I’m convinced that the people who go on Married At First Sight are not only eager for love, but also hungry for validation in the form of humping. No judgement, of course — I too am eager for both of those things, I just choose to follow such endeavours without cameras present.
Whether it’s after their MAFS season has aired or while they’re actually filming the damn thing, you can’t sit there and tell me that this show isn’t as borderline-incestuous as it gets on reality television.
Because of this, I demand a MAFS spinoff where all the unsuccessful brides and grooms — and we all know there’s a shitload of them — come together for yet another chance at televised love. Think of it like Bachelor In Paradise except with divorcees and optional bikinis.
Now hear me out: if the MAFS cast are going to be bumping uglies with cast members past and present anyway, it’s only fair that they do it publicly and give me something to write about in the process.
Thinking about it, the most recent MAFS cast seems to be the horniest to shit where they eat. I mean, we had Claire Nomarhas and Adam Seed commit the deadly vape-turned-kiss sin mid-season, as well as the infamous DickTime between Cam Woods and Tayla Wynter.
There have also been rumours around Tayla and Josh “Disney Daddy” White after they were seen arm-in-arm at Coogee Pav (lol), who is somehow the same man that admitted to kissing fellow MAFS contestant Lyndall Grace, who was also rumoured to have had a thing with Hugo Armstrong.
Has your head fallen off yet? We’re not even done.
Then we have the objectively hot and healthy relationship of Duncan James Simpson and Evelyn Ellis to come out of the show (which, this year, only had a 20 per cent success rate), not to mention Janelle Han and Jesse Burford who had a sneaky little Perth peck.
You guys: that’s just THIS season. In the nine MAFS seasons that came before it, it has become wildly apparent that affairs, cheating and couple swaps are all part of the incestuous parcel.
Remember Carolina Santos and Daniel Holmes from last year’s season? The rumours around Brent Vitiello and Ella Ding? What about KC Osborne and Michael Goonan, or Troy Delmege and Carly Bowyer, after their series wrapped?
I don’t know what to tell you: there are people every season who want to engage in hanky panky with anyone other than their husband or wife, even if they’re fans of monogamy. No judgement! The likelihood of me liking some rando that other randos decided I should marry is also low.
The proof is in the historical pudding that is the last 10 seasons of this shitshow. So forgive me for thinking we need a new television format that allows these people to lap up sloppy seconds and get a second fame wind in the process.
In the debut episode of Ollie Skelton‘s TOSSER podcast, Rupert Bugden literally calls one of the MAFS cast to see if they’d be keen to stage a relationship for publicity and it’s the easiest deal ever made. The comment section of the Instagram post thinks it’s Bronte Schofield and I’m not one to argue.
Such a format would weed out at least some of the MAFS people who are just doing this shit for staged pap shots, from those who actually like each other. Not all, but some.
Also, I hear there are trauma bonds from this show that us normies would simply never understand. Therefore relationships are better kept within the family, so to speak.
What would make this MAFS spinoff even more amazing is not only the amount of beef between cast members old and new, but the amount of exes in one vicinity. Remember when Alex Nation and Richie Strahan confronted each other on Bachelor In Paradise? Wow.
Imagine a Domenica Calarco and Olivia Frazer reunion in front of our very eyes, or Jackson Lonie dating other MAFS people in front of the latter? Tell me it wouldn’t be fantastic.
We need the entertainment and heaven knows they need the relevancy, so I really see no reason to not make Australia’s horny dreams come true.
So long as they all do mandatory STI tests on arrival.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
Photo: Levente Bodo / Getty.
