MAFS 2023 produced two couples out of 12 potential success stories, so now there are fresh divorcees out in the wild, single and ready to mingle.
And you bet your ass they’re going to be hitting the apps.
Now the last thing I would want is for you to stumble upon one of the many desirable MAFS grooms (sarcasm) unprepared, so I’ve compiled what I believe their Tinder profiles would look like based purely off my imagination and personal baggage.
Layton and Ollie will not be included for obvious reasons.
Harrison ‘Bunnings Boofhead’ Boon
Tell me Harrison isn’t the poster child for ‘that guy’ on Tinder. You know exactly what I mean when I say this — the guy who tries to appear equal parts wholesome and good in bed.
Think a pensive mirror selfie for one photo and then a shot of him hanging out with his son for the next. I imagine there would be a shot of him at the Coogee Pav too, where he’s conveniently standing next to the shorter friend. There’s probably a dog selfie in the mix for good measure.
His bio definitely includes a winky face and his Instagram handle, which brings me to why I think this bloke is peak Tinder in 2023. He would absolutely find a way to take the chat to Instagram so he could fire-emoji react your Stories until you die.
Hugo ‘Hugoat’ Armstrong
Hugo strikes me as the type of human (not goat) whose chat would be so good, you would work up the date so much in your head that even if it was shit IRL, you still walk away holding onto the idea of him.
I imagine his bio would be witty or have something to do with his mum’s opinion of him. Might not be original but I believe it to have a pretty high success rate.
His photos would be a real “cool uncle” vibe with a bunch of shots of him holding babies, accompanied by a photo of him at the family Christmas where he towers over everyone.
He is the type of guy we all swipe for thinking he’ll be different when, in fact, he is exactly the same. The suit that he rocks up in doesn’t help matters.
Dan ‘Ocean-Fucker’ Hunjas
Dan would have the shittest profile. I just know it.
It would be an alternation of him being at the ocean or at the casino. There is no in between. I also imagine his Tinder bio would say something like, “Looking for someone who enjoys adventures 🌊 and the finer things in life 🍷.”
He would be solo in every photo as to not reveal his height. His opening line? Likely something cringe like, “Hey gorgeous, I love your smile! How’s your week been so far?”
Cam ‘Manchild’ Woods
Cam would be appealing on the apps — I know this because when I first started writing about this show before it aired, I was like ‘ooh he looks like a vibe’.
I obviously hate myself for that now so will attempt to counteract my previous behaviour now.
Cam’s profile would showcase a bare minimum effort to reflect his personality and love language accurately. The bio would probably be “🍻?” accompanied by real true blue photos.
I can really see it:
- Selfie with dog in the van
- Holding up a fish in a tinny
- Sitting in camping chairs around an esky with da boiz
- Open road
- Scenery
- Sausage on grass with no context
When it comes to the chat, you’ll have to do all the work here, I’m sorry. He might kick things off with a “how are ya” but you’ll need to ask if he wants to go out for a drink and when you do, he’ll reply “sounds good”.
Expect to not know where you stand in the lead-up to the date, on the actual date and after the date.
Josh ‘Disney Daddy’ White
You can’t help but let out a “bless” when stumbling upon the profile of this certified daddy thanks to the wholesome assortment of photos from Disneyworld, PAX and various kids’ birthday barbecues.
The Coogee Pav shot where he looks like a completely different person throws you off but it’s too late for Merivale to intervene because you’re already invested.
His bio is full of rom-com movie references, personal love languages and the statement that he’s here for serious relationships only. You don’t have time to read a whole novel so you match with him in the hopes that you will not eat this sweet, angelic man alive.
He immediately starts up conversation with perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar and sends follow-up messages should you not reply.
Shannon ‘I have no words’ Adam
Shannon would be catfishing on Tinder with two photos at max — one of which is probably a gym selfie with his head cut off, the other wildly pixelated as the result of cropping his ex out.
His bio would read something like “new to this whole dating app thing! be gentle with me haHAA 😂”, making any person with half a brain repulsed in the process. He would also make a comment about liking “natural” girls but you’re smart enough to know this guy doesn’t know shit about the injectables industry.
You almost decide to swipe right before remembering you have standards — a good thing considering how the chat would go.
He’s the type to come in hot with an “ello ello” and, at first, seem extremely communicative and even — I hate to say it — cheeky. Then, the day of your date that you’ve organised, goes AWOL. Wonder why!
Adam ‘Crypto Bro’ Seed
The first thing you’ll notice about Adam is his assortment of party shirts and his inability to wear a trucker hat correctly.
The second thing you’ll notice is the fact that every photo (that’s not a self-paid for “modelling” shoot) is a selfie because others don’t take shots of him willingly.
The third thing you’ll notice is a vape popping up in every other pic.
You might decide to give him a chance because all the London, Mykonos and Ibiza photos give you the impression that he is well-travelled. Also, you’re just curious as to how douchey someone with their StarNow profile essentially on Tinder could possibly be.
He starts talking immediately after matching and comes across as a smooth operator at first. That is, before you realise that he doesn’t know the definitions of words before using them.
You entertain it anyway because the grammar and spelling is above average for men on the platform, so understandably you’re pissed off when he blocks you after you ask him something as normal as what he does for work.
Rupert ‘Inaudible Mumbler’ Budgen
Rupert has nothing in his bio alongside a photo of him at a Sunday session. He’s wearing sunglasses and sitting next to a mate but, because he’s only posted one photo in total, you have no idea whether or not he is the hot one.
Mans is not self-aware or courteous enough to crop.
Rupert will sit in your matched list collecting dust because he can’t think of an opener to get the convo rolling.
Duncan ‘Prince Eric’ James
Duncan has the perfect assortment of photos that leaves no questions unanswered. He has a full-length photo to showcase his height, a shot with the boys to show he’s well-liked, one with the family to show he’s a man of values and one doing a coastal walk to prove he is outdoorsy, fun and active.
His bio is an assortment of emojis because he is a man of mystery and wants you to find out more by actually striking up conversation with him. He’ll do a few polite exchanges before asking you on a date and keeping your interest where it needs to be.
The whole time you’ll be insecure and wondering if you’re good enough for him because he’s a 10 and you’re a six at best. Will you go on the date and be bored shitless? TBC.
Jesse ‘Celebrant’ Burford
Jesse would have a profile that becomes a case for the FBI as you try and figure out which version of him is the most recent because of the disparity between photos. Does he have long hair or short hair now? Facial hair or not? You know the one.
Photos would include a death metal concert where he’s probably throwing devil horns and another of him being a marriage celebrant. I’m sure there’d also be a photo against a graffiti alleyway but I cannot confirm nor deny such assumptions.
Jesse would say hello around three-to-five hours after matching and make you feel like he was genuinely interested in your life by asking a bunch of questions. I think he’d also be the type to ask what your relationship was like to try and eliminate any further assholes in his life.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
