While I enjoyed the chaos of having three Bachelors (yes, even the suited-up fuck boy that was Felix Van Hofe), I think we can all agree that The Bachelor Australia is on its deathbed. It’s lost the plot. Do Not Resuscitate (unless it’s for Bachelor In Paradise).
All this being said, rumours are swirling this week that The Bachelor is ready for yet another comeback tour in 2024 à la John Farnham, even after it received the lowest television ratings in the show’s history this year (even lower than Jimmy Nicholson‘s season of The Bachelor which was about as exciting as waiting for a kettle to boil).
Indeed. TV Blackbox reported that Warner Brothers had begun advertising for Sydney-based casting producers to work on a “returning large scale reality dating show”, including two roses in the imagery. Predictably, people started going wild assuming it was associated with the dying franchise.
But here’s the thing: while I do think The Bachelor needs to hang up its loafers, I also believe that Bachelor In Paradise was one of the best shows to ever grace our screens. It’s not a porque no los dos thing, though — we need to fuck off The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for a few years to instead focus on the glory that is Bachelor In Paradise.
There are enough horny has-beens who have been ready to jet over to Fiji since the last season in 2020, I’m sure. Why should we rob them the opportunity to get publicly humiliated on national TV in the name of relevancy once more?
We shouldn’t! And here’s why:
The show is equal parts brutal and horny
Bachelor In Paradise is so much hornier than The Bachelor for many reasons — the most obvious being that the show’s premise is to throw a bunch of almost-naked, familiar faces into a Fiji resort with the hopes they’ll find love. To make matters hornier and more brutal, people keep coming (no) through that door to test current relationships.
It’s like Tinder except you see their next best thing right in front of your fucking face. Given the best part of The Bachelors was Jed McIntosh getting rejected, at least Bachelor In Paradise is more indicative of the hell us singles face in the real world.
We’re invested in their love stories
There’s a reason people like Matty J and Sam Frost were such successful leads on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. We saw their public humiliation play out in front of our very eyes, so it makes sense that we also want to see them bounce back and find love again.
But when you multiply that by 10-20 people? That’s where the magic will happen.
Also, remember when Alex Nation and Richie Strahan were cast on Bachelor In Paradise? Phenomenal areas. If we were witnesses for the first part of their love story, of course we were going to be frothing over their post break-up conversation.
Bachelor In Paradise unearths assholes
We have Bachelor In Paradise to thank for scrapping the idea of Ciarran Stott was a sincere tattooed angel looking for love and instead introducing us to reality TV’s most notorious root rat. Timm Hanly also disappointed me (and Brittany Hockley, no doubt).
There’s something about reality TV that can bring out the worst in someone. Sure, some of these people were nice and normal when appearing on TV for the first time. But going back to normal life, experiencing a rise in social media numbers and people recognising you on the street? That can seriously boost someone’s ego. And elevated confidence ain’t always the best thing.
This show is phenomenal because it jumps on these people who now think that the sun shines out of their ass, torpedoing any former image we had of them being our future spouses.
It’s kinda incest
Strangers falling in love is cool and all but the incest drama of Bachelor In Paradise is unparalleled. From the minute they walk through the door, the likelihood that people in that resort have already hooked up is high.
Remember when Ciarran’s ex Renee Barrett rocked up but he was hooking up with someone else in paradise? I mean, I think he was. From memory he caused a lot of damage in that place.
Even if they haven’t hooked up, they’ve been Keen’s Curry Powder to make it happen at wherever they’d envisioned crossing paths — you know, influencer events or prioritised blue tick DMs.
There’s a decent success rate
Let’s do the maths:
- There have been seven seasons of The Bachelorette and only one couple is still together: 14.28 per cent.
- There have been 10 seasons of The Bachelor and five couples are still together: 50 per cent.
- There have been three seasons of Bachelor In Paradise and two couples are still together: 66.66 per cent.
From where I’m standing, Bachelor In Paradise is the most successful Bachelor program for delivering happy couples. That’s not why we watch it but thought best to include.
Bachelor In Paradise is just… cooked
And last but not least, Bachelor In Paradise is lit, which is probably why the show has been on ice over the past couple of years. Sure, COVID played a role, and there was also ex-participant Jamie Dornan‘s plans to sue the show, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Australian television’s chastity belt was also taken into account.
And let’s be honest, the third and last season of Bachelor In Paradise was a fuckboy in TV show form. It is my belief that Ciarran did to Bachelor In Paradise what the turkey slap did to Big Brother.
But if The Bachelor still gets a look in within Australian television’s conservative landscape even after Felix’s stint this year, then there just might be hope for Bachelor In Paradise yet.
So Channel Ten hear me when I say this: use your budget on the right Bachelor show because I don’t really think you can afford another failure.