Holy hell — I’m so nervous for this MAFS reunion, I just may vomit.
We’re looking back on where it all started — when we were all hopeful and dumb — before jumping into one very dramatic intro. Where’s a popcorn-turned-spew bowl when you need one?
Oh cute, we’re reflecting on the 0.5 per cent of successful couples from this MAFS season.
“I feel like no one expected us to last,” Melinda laughs. Not sure what gave her that idea!
Was it when she said he was punching or when they fell to pieces over an open cupboard door? Anyway, she thinks they’re soulmates so remind me to revisit all the men I hated upon meeting.
Tahnee and Ollie are still cute as fuck even though, unlike Melinda and Layton, they actually liked each other upon meeting.
They’re moving in together after a weak text game during their long-distance stint. She uses Karen emojis which MAFS expert Mel Schilling would be so disappointed to discover.
Ollie reckons he would’ve been willing to move to a shed on a forbidden island for this woman and yeah, a Bondi studio checks out.
In other predictable news, Bronte has never been happier after dropping “dead weight”.
Aforementioned dead weight Harrison is loving the uncomplicated single life and I’m sure you fucking are, stripper tradie. He is also feeling “vindicated” and everyone (except my DC girlies) forgive me for the upcoming reference.
“Mamma Bear” AKA Melissa AKA Horny Mum is back in the house and I’m terrified for disposable dildos everywhere. She’s single and ready to mingle, and in other just spectacular news, hasn’t forgotten how to “woo”.
Jesse has reminded me of my own icks by throwing devil horns and engaging in air guitar.
Apparently he and Claire have been talking daily which is interesting considering how these two have been slamming each other in the media lately. “Maybe there’s still something there,” he says and surely fucking not.
Meanwhile, Prince Eric (Duncan) is staring into the abyss. Topless.
Alyssa is still blindsided and still has a child.
Prince Eric won’t say a bad word about Alyssa — out loud, at least. Well, yeah. Why would you ruin your glowing edit so late in the game?
Alyssa wants answers tonight so brace yourself accordingly to hear “I have a child” 132 times.
“He probably has something rehearsed that he’s told all of his other girlfriends when he’s broken up with them,” she says. Meow!
If you’re wondering what Lyndall has been up to since leaving the experiment, well, she has been #gifted a Mermade hair tool.
She’s also discovered that Cam — who she graciously dumped at the MAFS final vows — has been sexting another MAFS bride.
I am not inclined to care about this because it is Cam we’re talking about and he is single. But Lyndall says her relationship went down the shitter when Tayla arrived as a MAFS intruder and it’s all starting to make sense now. Is this why Tayla and Lyndall seemingly don’t like each other?
In other news, Cam’s let his hair down, literally, since leaving the MAFS experiment and seems happy to be out of the confines of the ever-depressing SKYE Suites.
IT’S TIME.
Jesse is walking in with “arms wide open” and it’s really hard to not break out into song right now.
Lyndall comes in hot (quite literally — that dress is fire) and tells Sandy and Jesse that Cam and Tayla have been exchanging nudes.
Ollie and Tahnee are here to liven up the mood. “Here’s our gorgeous Gen-X lovers,” says Mel and can she reference their generation one more time? I dare her.
I-Have-A-Child Barbie AKA Alyssa has arrived and is ready to trash Prince Eric.
“I’ve been hearing that he’s been living his best single life. Sashaying around the bar, hitting on girls,” she tells Tahnee and Lyndall.
Alright Australia’s most eligible Bachelor has arrived and Alyssa looks stoked.
Alyssa has an issue with the way he greeted her which is FUCKING RICH considering the way she just greeted him.
Horny Mum arrives and so does Evelyn, who is reminding me of the time I used Alpha Keri as shampoo.
Jesse and Claire are very happy to see each other which is still baffling me. “She looked hot as,” Jesse tells producers.
“It’s all coming back to me,” he continues and fuck, can this man stop making me add to my Spotify Liked Songs, please?
The girls are still talking about the sexting. Tahnee is still shocked by it. I might’ve been too if a) I didn’t currently work for a news publication and b) all these fuckers didn’t continuously spoil the show for me.
Lyndall reckons that Cam told the boys not to tell Hugo about the sexting/nudes and if it comes up tonight, Cam will shut it down completely. Lyndall wants to tell Hugo who surely couldn’t give two fucks?
Cam’s here. Lyndall gets up to greet him but when he gets to her, he turns away like the savage manchild he is.
How old is Alyssa? Genuinely curious.
Ollie questions Cam about Tayla. Unsurprisingly, Cam is defensive and reeks of any man who has ever tried to justify doing something that is shit. Don’t believe me?
Evelyn and her business partner Rupert look genuinely happy to see each other. Disney Daddy (Josh) and Horny Mum do… not.
A few more fallen MAFS tributes roll in: Shannon, Caitlin, Adam, Janelle and… Dirty Dan. How many of these fuckers are left? It feels like a high school reunion.
Bronte and Harrison have also arrived to show us what love shouldn’t look like, followed by Melinda and Layton to show us what closing a deal should look like.
Horny Mum thinks Melinda and Layton must be having good sex to have made this work.
Wow, Lyndall’s really telling everyone about this sexting thing, isn’t she?
Hugo is in the house and Cam wastes no time planting the seed and telling him that he’ll be in the crossfire tonight.
But Cam does not clarify why because that would be a very mature and adult thing to do. It’s also unfortunate because Lyndall is absolutely going to jump in and tell the poor goat.
She grabs Hugo to have a chat and Disney Daddy is also there to supervise?
“Cam has been sexting Tayla,” she tells him, noting that it started in the experiment.
Did it, though? You’re a couple of doors down from one another — if you want to see each other nude, just knock on the door?
I know Hugo is bewildered by this information as he has has reunited with his hives.
Tayla hath arrived.
Everyone’s watching how Cam’s going to greet Tayla because, thanks to Lyndall, the whole group knows about her extracurricular activities before she even arrives.
I’d love to know how Lyndall found out about the nudes because while yes, it sucks that Cam was interested in someone else behind her back, it also sucks that something as private as sexting and exchanging nudes is public information without, I’m assuming, Tayla’s permission. I could be wrong, though.
Melinda is convinced something is going on because Cam was gifted a “double-caressing” from Tayla. This chick has done investigative work on a cheating ex before, tell me I’m wrong.
Dinner is served! Not served-ed. But served.
Melinda would like to address the sexting elephant in the room. “This sexting shit it’s all I’ve heard about,” Cam responds.
“After the final vows I went back home, obviously, and was having a bit of friendly banter with Tayla,” he continues.
“It was nothing serious, it was just a friendly chat.
“I’m a friendly person.”
“So if you call that sexting then sorry, I’ve sexted,” he says.
“I don’t see why this is a big issue because what happens outside of the experiment is not really anyone’s concern,” Cam concludes.
“Correct,” Harrison agrees. As if this isn’t a thinly veiled way of Harrison suggesting he’s been seeing people since he bailed on MAFS.
Lyndall is off it.
“Um, it is a bit of a concern, if you were the person matched with Cam and he’d made several weird comments throughout the experiment, and I witnessed several weird things from Tayla that never really made any sense until this sexting thing was brought to my attention,” Lyndall says.
Lyndall also says she knows they were talking before final vows.
“No we weren’t,” Tayla chimes in.
“You had each other’s number. I saw you texting her,” Lyndall bites back.
Harrison says he’s talked to other MAFS brides since leaving and doesn’t understand the issue.
“Yeah but did you joke about having threesomes with those women while you were in the experiment?” Lyndall asks Harrison.
“Did Cam?” Harrison asks.
“Yes,” Lyndall alleges.
IS THE THIRD PERSON LYNDALL OR SOMEONE ELSE?
I NEED TO KNOW.
MELINDA NEEDS TO KNOW.
SANDY NEEDS TO KNOW.
“He did,” Ollie confirms.
Dogging the bois! Love it.
Cam says he was simply making a joke and I’m actually surprised he has made it through this century alive.
Tayla is having an absolute field day.
Rupert is appalled!
Aren’t there rumours about Tayla and Rupert dating now as well? I simply cannot keep up with this incest activity. I guess publicly humiliating yourself on national TV creates a bond like no other.
Alright back to the current drama. Finally someone asks Tayla her opinion.
“We’re friends. I saw his [BLEEP],” she confirms.
Fuck. Or should I say:
I would love to know what Tayla calls a penis.
Dick? Schlong? Chunky monkey? Peen? Thor’s Hammer?
One must have this level of detail. Whatever she said, it’s sent the entire MAFS dinner table:
Um, but why is Lyndall surprised?
“But guys! It was funnyyyyy!” Tayla tells the MAFS dinner party.
Melinda tells Tayla, “It’s insensitive to someone who still has feelings and was hurt.”
Tayla is confused because Lyndall doesn’t want to be with him, so why would she care if someone else saw his chub?
“Yes I saw his willy,” Tayla confirms.
SCUH-REAMING. The one penis synonym I didn’t guess.
“Who cares?” she laughs.
“We FaceTime every day,” she continues.
Interesting. Doesn’t he work “out remote”? Could be wrong.
HEAVENS TO BETSY.
“I liked it,” she whispers to producers.
“So you’re FaceTiming Tayla with your clothes off?” Alyssa asks.
“Yeah. Um. So. Um,” Cam tries to respond.
“I’ve ended up on a night out in a nightclub where I’ve FaceTimed and I’ve got all my clothes off. In a night club. Yeah.”
“I’m not FaceTiming any of my mates… in the nude,” MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla tells her fellow therapists.
He doesn’t see what the issue is when he was “naked in a nightclub in front of every other man and his dog”.
“This was never a relationship. This was an experiment. It was never any relationship. I was in an experiment.” Cam tells producers. Hoo boy.
“If you wanted a fairytale ending, get a job at Disneyland,” he says. I’m sure Disney Daddy resents that, wherever he is.
Lyndall has one last thing to say because sis loves getting the last word, doesn’t she?
“I’ve had to live with this person 24/7. I’ve had to have my hardest moments with him and have very little support. I have thrown my heart out on the table trying to get this to work and I could never understand why it didn’t. But I know now,” she begins.
If it wasn’t Tayla, it would’ve been someone or something else. Let’s be honest.
“I really, really shouldn’t try so hard to be with someone that doesn’t care whether they keep me or not. I know exactly who I am and what I deserve and that I’m so big and bright and bubbly,” she continues.
Alright enough of that. Let’s move over to another shit couple.
Harrison is sitting on something that he no doubt wants to use to take down his MAFS ex-wife.
“I found out about Bronte messaging a girl I used to see before I came into the experiment,” he says while holding up a piece of paper.
“In a very manipulative manner, Bronte asking for information on our quote unquote relationship. It’s a clear violation of my privacy,” he continues.
Bronte knows what Harrison’s up to because she somehow lived with the man previously. She wants to beat him to the punch.
She tells the MAFS dinner party that after the experiment she started thinking about this girl and thought, ‘Fuck it, I’m just gunna message her.’ Something like that.
“Just asking the nature of their relationship, prior to the experiment,” she continues.
Harrison is confused because he believes it “wasn’t an issue” for their relationship. “Yes it was,” Bronte bites back.
“The next person that interrupts me, it’s really not going to be good,” Harrison tells Bronte.
“You went looking for something that you could bring into the reunion that you could use to attack me,” Harrison claims.
Alyssa tries to butt in and Harrison literally, no word of a lie, says, “Excuse me, talking.”
He has the audacity to tell Bronte she should’ve used the effort she applied to investigating his prior relationship into working on herself instead.
Caitlin tells Harrison to hire a builder for all the work he needs to do on himself.
Harrison would like to show everyone what he printed at Officeworks earlier.
Everyone thinks it’s hysterical.
Including Bronte.
I love that everyone is just so fed up with his shit that his receipts have become comedy.
Cam is tampering with evidence and has folded up the receipts into a paper aeroplane.
Is that the last we’ll see of Bronte and Harrison? One can dream!
Alright, Alyssa is jealous of the two happy couples in the experiment. The whole two of them. Out of twelve possible ones. TWELVE.
Melinda asks Prince Eric how he’s feeling after discovering he couldn’t, in fact, be part of Ariel’s world.
He tells Melinda final vows were pretty rough and Alyssa is hating it.
Prince Eric says he tried to reach out to Alyssa after final vows.
“He googled a response on what to say when you break up with a girlfriend, right?” Alyssa chimes in.
She claims to not remember what Prince Eric wrote in his post-dump text (sorry).
That is absolute bullshit, girlfriend. If there is anyone out there who doesn’t read a breakup message 127 times, I’d love to meet them.
“I said that I’m sorry, if you would like to talk I will make myself…” Prince Eric begins to remind her.
“I will OBVIOUSLY make myself available” she cuts in, emphasising the “obviously” part.
He points out that she clearly remembers what he said to know that.
“100 per cent,” she confirms.
He’s confused why he’s reminding her of something she already remembers. She tells him to “go ahead” but he’s still scared shitless of her.
She has been sitting on this rehearsed speech of hers and lists out all the reasons why she‘s hurt.
I love that she keeps giving Prince Eric permission to talk and then proceeds to cut him off. Jokes! I hate it! It’s fucked!
How funny is it when exes cement and validate the decision you made to break up with them? She’s not doing herself any favours here.
“For the last month of the experiment, we had a really hard time,” he reminds her.
He also tells her that every time he talks she just talks over the top of him. Not untrue. “There’s no point in me talking,” he tells her.
“You dumped me, bro,” she tells him and HOWLING. Bro. Brooooo.
“You broke my heart,” she continues. Just a notch louder and it would’ve reminded me of Aidan Shaw on Sex and the City.
She makes the most dramatic exit and there it is. She has a son! Not just a child, but a male child!
She’s coming back. She always does!
“I want to know, at what point in our relationship did you think no, this is not going to work?” she asks / tells him.
“I think we were really good at the start,” he responds.
He tells her there were hard parts among the good.
He says he expressed his concerns at the last MAFS dinner party and that their final date wasn’t so crash-hot either.
“The last month of the experiment, to me, was not a healthy relationship,” Prince Eric says.
“I don’t think, although you’re an amazing person, that we are made for each other.”
“TAKE OFF THE MASK, DUNCAN,” she snaps.
Please, for the love of clean drinking water, let this be over.
Here are a few more things she says to him:
- “Be authentic.”
- “Be genuine.”
- “It’s bullshit!”
- “I don’t even know who you are, honestly!”
Wowza.
“Go live your best single life, telling everyone that you’re single and that you’re not married anymore. Go and do that,” Alyssa concludes.
To be fair, it would be really fucking hard knowing that women were about to be all over him the minute this show airs, especially when she has feelings for him. This is just her insecurities surfacing. Look at the man!
Her insecurities are talking again (I think) because she says she dodged a bullet. I mean, I’ve never been so sexually attracted to ammunition before but go off sis.
ONE MORE EPISODE. They’re going to play the MAFS tapes back tomorrow night and I am ready.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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