It’s time for our third MAFS recap and at this point, I’m prepared to be drowned in prejudice.
Before we get into more MAFS nuptials, we’re being treated to updates from the honeymoons.
Dan is a king who puts pillow forts in the bed for Sandy without her needing to ask.
Lyndall and Cam are being affectionate in Fraser Island. “He knows me really well and it’s all coming together,” she explains.
Coming together is all I could wish for them both. And the hetero female population as we endeavour to close the orgasm gap.
Jesse and Claire are having alone time after he shat on his new wife’s existence.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy/Harrison — who I almost forgot existed — are honeymooning in the Hunter Valley.
Bronte’s FaceTiming her kween of a sister, Kirra, who’s saying that Jessica (pink-dress woman who outed Bunnings Daddy’s dating history at the wedding) was shitty about not being in the bridal party.
Bridesmaidzilla?
“So she stirred shit to my husband after two hours because she couldn’t handle the fact that this wasn’t about her?” Bronte asked.
Bronte cannot believe it! She loves it! Reminder: Jessica was also on The Bachelors this year. I’d be jealous if I was on that car crash instead of MAFS too. But at least there were dudes to choose from.
Wait. Now Kirra — the woman that went bananas over the scandal — is saying Bunnings Daddy is a great match for Bronte.
Do they think what Jessica said was made up, or do they just realise dating people before meeting a stranger is not the worst thing to ever happen?
Either way Bronte’s over it and ready to see her Bunnings Daddy strip. Or something like that.
Wedding time!
First up is Tahnee, a 27-year-old PR manager who has definitely PR’d something at me at some point in my life. She is very familiar. And she’s a catch!
She’s being matched with Ollie, a 26-year-old voice over artist who plays golf indoors and appears to laugh a lot. He’s really happy to be here!
MAFS makes this couple relevant by showcasing their dating app struggles in the biggest push for Gen Z viewers I ever did see.
Tahnee thinks people aren’t honest with their intentions on the apps. But she is doing the Bondi to Bronte walk in this clip. Maybe if she widened her match radius she could find men that aren’t total asswipes?
She makes it sound like men are hooking up with her and “disposing” her which is relatable innit. Especially if you’ve been to Ravesis.
Tahnee is the most PR person I’ve ever not met which is unfortunate given Ollie is looking to go beyond the surface-level.
Tahnee doesn’t want a rogue man with a bowl cut and I appreciate her for keeping the standards both low and realistic.
They’re getting married at Carriageworks which surely blew the budget. Ollie introduces himself as “Oliver” to the bridal party instead of Ollie, which was unfortunate for him as now I’ll forever call him OLIVERRRRR as if I’m also performing an exorcism on him.
You won’t get this if you haven’t seen House Bunny and for that, I am sorry.
Tahnee is on her way and she is so PR it hurts. Like the post-show interviews will be so boring because she’s already seemingly so well media trained in crisis comms.
OLIVERRR says he doesn’t have a poker face so we’ll know if he thinks his new wife is a mashed potato (she isn’t).
Look, I’d say the bloke is pretty stoked.
Tahnee is also happy — almost as happy as her sister.
Tahnee is “like, so nervous”. She’s, “like, shaking”.
She says things like “Stoppppppp” and “Oh my god” so Jesse would despise her.
In OLIVERRR’s vows he says, “We will find comfort in each other, and I hope we fall in love too.”
Everyone acts like children and says “awwwww” in response. Imagine if that happened at a real wedding? You’d get bitch slapped. At this point we should just let the bridal party marry him considering the moisture levels on those seats.
I think this couple will make it to the end out of convenience and tolerance levels and then break up immediately after. Don’t get your hopes up!
Heavens I am so very bored by this union. They peck to consummate and it’s fine. Why is the celebrant American? Where’s this guy?
Next up we meet Janelle and what’s this? MAFS isn’t even pretending that she applied for this show.
“Janelle has been chosen by the experts to enter the experiment.” Loving this transparency.
We are a fly on the wall for her beauty vlog and this is a nightmare worse than my paralysis demon. She’s showing us one of her favourite looks ever, you guys!!! Yay!! Let’s go check it out!!!
They’re flat-out calling her a “beauty influencer” instead of a “beauty educator” which is apparently Bronte’s job. Maybe they couldn’t have two? I really feel for the predicaments of Rimmel and Maybelline choosing who to sponsor following this show.
Holy shit did she just do a hair flick? The confidence on this woman! I live.
Janelle became a beauty influencer when she broke up with her ex. A week later her following and income tripled and is anyone surprised? Success happens when you’re out to “win” the “who’s happier” contest. COME ON WE ALL KNOW IT.
She thinks the universe rewarded her for dumping her ex. It did.
She wants someone with a career, if possible.
So they’ve found her a crypto bro. His name is Adam and he was in a relationship for an entire decade which is longer than all my relationships combined.
He says he was “weak at the time” and “made a mistake” so clearly he got his dick wet by moisture that wasn’t from his missus.
Crypto Bro is wearing a green velvet blazer and whatever, as long as it’s not the hot-pink getup Jesse was wearing at his MAFS 2023 wedding. He doesn’t know his left from his right so therefore Janelle’s brothers have decided he is too dumb for his sister.
Crypto Bro turns around and seems happy.
“Holy shit. She was stunning,” he says (she is). Janelle’s also “really happy”.
Crypto Bro says that he knew he was gunna marry her from the moment he laid eyes on her. This is not funny to me. We have heard this joke before. Surely the producers approve these? Worth it for Janelle’s laugh alone tbh.
He talks about mistakes and regrets and I must know what these are. Did you shop instead of adopt? Did you once own a fedora?
Can someone remove the stick from Janelle’s brothers ass?
Someone stop him from doing a murder.
Reception time.
Crypto Bro’s trying to explain his business about competitions, which just sounds like a gambling venture to me. Have fun ruining people’s lives!
Oh wait, he wants to launch a podcast? Get in line sugar. Janelle decides to be open minded about his non-existent career.
Over at Tahnee and OLIVERRRR’s wedding, we now know that Tahnee’s vocabulary is 90% made up of the term “good vibes”.
They’re talking about good movies like Get Out which everyone knows is a good movie. You are not connecting.
OLIVERRR felt a lil something when he pecked Tahnee. In your heart or your eggplant, sweetness?
Back to to the other, equally-as-boring MAFS wedding.
Janelle’s brother is on the warpath. They think Crypto Bro might’ve been arrested and wow, that escalated quickly. I think he can’t keep his dick in his pants, other people think he gets cuffed for public indecency. I guess this is the result of trust issues, huh?
Crypto bro says he was engaged and he cheated. KNEW IT. I don’t want to generalise men but fucking hell, just surprise me. Just once.
Josh and Jordan (Janelle’s non-crypto bros) are not impressed. But they somehow let Adam tell Janelle instead of telling her. Love that.
Holy shit was an Andrew Tate / pyramid scheme joke just made? Don’t love that.
I fell asleep a bit because this episode is doing nothing for me and it turns out OLIVERRR and Tahnee are kissing during their first dance. Sure.
Janelle and Crypto Bro are sitting by the fire and he’s def gunna tell her he’s a dirty dog. He tells her and she thinks that given he cheated 10 years ago, it’s not a reflection of who he is now.
I am glad to hear this, considering 2013 was the year I took annual leave to do MDMA at 11am.
Janelle asks Crypto Bro if his career is stable and he says he manifests his life? Oh dear. Where’s our gal Holly when you need her? She thanks him for being honest which is code for “kill me now”.
Janelle’s worried that he’s 35 and doesn’t have a solid career which I have taken as a personal attack given I savage people for coin instead of saving lives.
It’s the morning after and shock horror, there’s such a good vibe (!!!!) wherever Tahnee and OLIVERRRR are staying. They don’t know where Fiji is. Which is where they are going for their honeymoon for good vibes!!!!
I reckon Tahnee would meet her email exclamation quota for the week on any given Tuesday.
Vibes are a bit shitter over in bed with Janelle and Crypto Bro. She digs for more information about his “little competition business” and look, I too would like clarity on what the fuck that is.
“You worried that I don’t have money or something?” He asks. He thinks it’s a red flag and he’s being quite defensive. I get it but also it’s an interesting response.
“I’ve always been the one to help them and guide them in their career which is something I don’t want to do. I don’t want to mother another partner,” Janelle tells producers.
Fucking word to your mother. Meanwhile, Cyrpto Bro is raging if anyone has a jungle gym for him to take it out on?
Tahnee and OLIVERRR are busy shitting all over the budget used for Fiji.
They “were just like, shocking” at tennis too. They got “oily” messages too and OLIVERRR is clearly very horny for Tahnee.
Meanwhile, Janelle and Crypto Bro are still talking about their jobs and as someone who flipped 9-5 the bird, I resent this.
Janelle doesn’t think asking about a career is that weird. True?
She explains why she’s interested in his career stability (it aligns to her aspirations for the future).
But he has investments and crypto! But won’t tell her. If I had investments and crypto, I wouldn’t parade that either. Not because it indicates I have money, but because it indicates that I am a wanker.
Crypto Bro explains it’s more important for him to know a person outside of their career. Also true? I see both sides.
Could he be insecure about where his career is at right now? Sure. Should she be judging when he’ll have a similar career as her after this? Maybe not.
She says sorry. We like Janelle. She is a good communicator, takes accountability and apologises. Can’t wait to see her at commitment ceremonies.
It’s raining “woooowww” and “amazing” in Fiji, where a dicking has almost definitely happened.
“Me and Ollie were intimate last night,” Tahnee explains in a speech she rehearsed earlier.
She’s “chuffed” about the presumed penetration.
It’s OLIVERRR’s turn to chat sex. “Yeah it was good, what’d Tahnee say, she say it was good?”
Dying. We love a self-aware king.
“I was very fucking chuffed about it,” she confirms and why am I horny. Tell me what this king does to make you so chuffy!
Maybe we’ll find out during the next MAFS recap given honesty boxes are on their way.
This writer will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
