It’s the final (vows) countdown. Bring it on MAFS. Gimme your best.
Olivia is gone but not forgotten. Nice Guy feels upset that Liv relayed Princess Bogan‘s comments about their fucc-life over dinner. He’s also stressed about the long pause Princess Bogan gave when he asked about their future. But she doesn’t know why she paused! Their farewell is killing me. They’re so sad and same.
@badgalella and Baby Seal are waking up separately after she expressed her feelings to him at the final dinner party. He’s walking in to bid his final farewell while looking like a downright lad. “Morning! What’s happening?”Baby Seal sure is spritely today.
@badgalella tells Baby Seal she wants more emotional support from him. Rather than trying to meet her halfway, he just tells her that maybe he’s not the right guy for her. Then – in true Baby Seal style – he says it’s given him a lot to think about before final vows. That’s a thinly-veiled threat, no? I see no kisses goodbye. God forbid he show his wife some PDA as they head off to spend time apart.
Cody‘s pondering on a beach that’s undoubtedly full of the white beachy blondes he loves so much. There’s so much looking back on everyone’s relationships but thank you, I’ve recapped every damn batshit episode and am up to date.
Selina‘s at mum’s place. Oh hell. “Let me tell you the truth. I’m not really impressed. At all. I can tell that he is not really into you. He’s not really keen to show me that he really loves you.”
“I think you love him more than he loves you. I can see that. I can feel that.”
“You deserve more better, Selina.”
Selina nods to her mum but tells the camera: “The truth hurts.”
Baby Seal is wearing sneakers to the beach which just shows the way his brain does, and doesn’t, work. We’re reflecting on the first time @badgalella smelt him and when there were no known issues around kissing in front of the cameras. Meanwhile, @badgalella is telling her super cool Melbourne parents about her super normal needs. Dad is the logic, Mum is the emotion.
“I truly do believe any man is lucky to have me and if they don’t see that, well that’s their loss,” @badgalella tells the camera.
PREACH, SIS. YOU ARE HEAVEN.
Nice Guy’s back home.
You know what that means!
We’re reflecting on Nice Guy and Princess Bogan’s first root and everything that came thereafter. “We definitely went through the happiest of happies, but also the hardest of hards as well,” Jack explains eloquently. “I want this. I could fall for this girl.”
Meanwhile, Princess Bogan is just terribly afraid of failure. This is far better than last night. Why? Because there are actual question marks around these couples’ futures. Also, no Olivia.
Selina is looking like a DAMN DREAM for final vows and Cody looks fine considering she wasn’t around to fix his hair. They both look really happy to see each other. He’s going first.
“Selina, firstly, I owe you a huge thank you. I am truly grateful it was you I got to share this experience with. You certainly made an impression. I was stoked to turn around and see your enthusiasm, the energy you brought, and the smile you wear so well.”
“BUT…”
“What I’ve had to really consider over the last few days is, despite everything we’ve been through together, are we really suited to each other? And are my feelings for you strong enough to put the work into this relationship on the outside?”
“After all is said and done, after facing the good times and the bad, learning every lesson and confronting nearly every emotion under the sun, I’ve realised that you are someone I care so deeply about, someone who I want to be around, and more importantly, someone I want to build a future with.”
“I’ve entertained so many exciting possibilities in the future. Everything from travelling the world to furthering careers and building a home together.”
HUGE WORDS COMING OUT OF CODY’S ONCE INOPERABLE MOUTH.
“So in saying that, if you’ll have me, I want more than anything to continue this relationship with you.”
She’s happy now.
She tells Cody they have been on a rollercoaster ride and I’m thinking The Demon or Giant Drop are suitable here because they’re both fucked. She says she was hoping for someone who would love her unconditionally and support her through highs and lows. Kinda like a rollercoaster, I’m guessing?
“When I first met you I got nothing but warm, fuzzy, optimistic, genuine vibes,” she tells him. These are not the vibes I got (aside from fuzzy) when meeting him via screen but anyway. She thinks a future with him looked adventurous and full of laughs.
“Throughout this experiment I’ve seen you grow and evolve tremendously, and words cannot describe how proud that makes me feel,” Selina continues.
“HOWEVER.”
“There have been times when I felt really hurt and let down. I never thought coming on the experiment I’d cry so much and have so many moments where I felt so alone, when you were right there by my side. I find you hot and cold, warm one day and then distant the next,” she explains.
“I’m constantly stuck in a cycle of confusion and unease. Never in my life have I had to question time and time again if a partner was into me until I met you.”
OOFT.
“You’re a very difficult man to read.”
“We’ve had some shocking lows and blows, but to your credit, you’ve stuck by my side through it all, when you’ve had so many opportunities to write ‘leave’ every week.”
BARE MINIMUM.
Sorry but really? We’re congratulating him for… not leaving? For furthering his upcoming influencer career?
“And you have shown me that you are kind, loyal, respectful and honest. Because of all this I ask that you stand here and continue this one-of-a-kind, incredible relationship with me, so we can share and create more memories, grow with one another and live our BEST LIVES together outside this experiment.”
Look, not a couple I saw working out after he made so many colossal mistakes but sure. Let’s fast forward to the reunion where you reveal you’ve broken up, yeah? Just glad the sea otters get to be together again tbh. But apparently Selina and Cody are going off to buy a house, go travelling and have like, 10 babies.
THANK U, NEXT.
@badgalella’s all dolled up while wearing a white-blouse sitch to get ready. Hope the Napisan’s at the ready. Really not sure which way this one’s going to go but Baby Seal has forgone the turtleneck, so I’m hopeful he won’t be a norti Wiggle. She’s scared shitless. I’m scared shitless for her. Baby Seal scares me.
They hath reunited and she asks if she can hug him. He allows it.
She says she felt chemistry and calmness when she met him. The past week has made her feel uneasy, but she knows for sure that she missed him.
“When I first met you I had the idea of the kind of guy you were, based on your looks and my life experience. But you have profoundly proved me wrong. You are intellectual across all areas, loyal, you show respect, you have ambition, you are resilient, you take risks, you have integrity and confidence within yourself.”
I’ve been watching a different show that didn’t include intellect or respect.
“BUT.”
“As the time has gone it’s obvious that we have different needs that need to be met. Different expectations. I tell people how I feel and I need to not worry about it being too much.”
“Having a disagreement during our relationship shouldn’t mean endgame or “I’m done’.”
“What my gut and instincts push me to question is that maybe you’re not ready. You’re not ready for the level of commitment that I am searching for.”
“But I am fearless when it comes to matters of the heart and for me, Mitchell, I see potential in us and I’m willing to take the risk beyond this experiment and see where it could go.”
DANG NABBIT. He doesn’t even look happy.
“You are worth keeping my heart open for. You are worth the risk.”
He responds, “Well said. Well said.” His apparent intellectuality is a lot for me right now.
His turn. Joy.
He tries to convince her he came on the experiment to find a real relationship with someone he could build a future with. But he was hesitant and cautious. But when he turned around on their wedding, his worries peace outted. He says their honeymoon, tanning dates (??) and water fights were really memorable for him.
“You excite me, you bring me out of my shell and you constantly give me a new perspective on life and the things around me.”
“Although you and I started off strong, we definitely hit a few bumps along the way. And all these bumps seem to have a common theme.”
“You saying that I don’t show enough affection.”
“You not feeling good enough.”
“Not feeling secure.”
“Having this idea that I’m just going to up and leave when things get tough.”
“You’ve continuously told me that you don’t think that I’m ready for a relationship. If I’m not ready for a relationship, then what do you think I’ve been doing here, the entire time?”
“It’s difficult to see a bright future with you, when it seems the longer that we spend with each other, the more difficult the relationship gets.”
“And the more I realise, that maybe I’m not the right person that you’re looking for, or the person that you need.”
“How can we walk out of here together as partners, when at the moment, I don’t see this as a substantial relationship?”
DUDE.
“What I need now, is to go back to my life, to my family, my friends.”
“It’s only then that I’ll be able to make a decision that could affect both of our lives. What I can’t do, and what I won’t do, is stand here and be forced to make a decision that I’m not yet ready to make. I’m sorry, Ella. But right now, I just can’t give you the commitment that I know that you want.”
UM, WTF. Hasn’t he just been on the Goldy? What is this horse-shittery.
“I know that this is not what you want to hear. What I ask from you today is patience, but all I can be is honest, and this is how I feel.”
THE AUDACITY. To leave her hanging like that. Be patient? As in… wait for him? No sir-ee.
“Wow,” she responds. “Throwing your own lil’ spanner in the works. I’m not surprised – making no decision.”
TELL HIM SIS.
“Decisions are difficult,” he tells her.
PLEASE DROP HIM.
She tells the cameras she’s devastated after giving this relationship her all.
“He’s asked for patience, but, to me, he’s just keeping his options open.”
GOOD GIRL. THAT IS 100% WHAT HE IS DOING.
“I just think it’s a copout. Like, that’s not good enough after everything we’ve been through.”
DEFINITELY A COPOUT ELLA.
“It’s just disappointing that it’s not enough for him. It’s pretty hard to imagine life without Mitchell right now, yeah.”
She says this which makes perfect sense but also no sense at all:
“I’m disappointed in him, after everything. Fuck my life.”
THANK U, NEXT.
It’s raining for Princess Bogan and Nice Guy’s final vows. I feel bad Matt didn’t make it to this point, because these are The Notebook areas he so desperately craved.
They’ve stitched Princess Bogan up with this wooden plank just waiting to eat her stilettos. “I’m coming!” she tells him.
“You are not barefoot!” he laughs.
The bottom of her dress is getting so fucked up. Lucky she doesn’t own it. They’re so happy to see each other. Please work out! They’re ready to read their vows but Tim Bailey has forecasted thunderstorms.
“I can wholeheartedly say that I could not have made it through this experiment without you,” Nice Guy tells Princess Bogan.
He says he’s felt every emotion possible, but always knew she’d be there by his side and put a smile on his face. He says she has made this experiment one of the most incredible experiences in his life. “Not anything else – you.”
“So, Domenica, I would love to continue this relationship with you on the outside world. Because I truly do believe we have something great.”
NO BUTS! NO HOWEVERS!
Her turn! Please don’t break his heart.
“What a bloody incredible journey we’ve been on,” she tells him, noting that they bonded since day one. “You said in your wedding vows that you wanted someone to challenge you, and I know I did just that,” she laughs.
She says she never gave up, always had hope, and fought to grow their relationship. “But it’s no secret that we have struggled throughout this experience.”
“We’ve had some amazing times that I’ll never forget. But I can’t deny that at this point in the experiment, I thought my feelings would be much deeper than where they are right now.”
FUCK. Jack can’t even look.
“I know what it feels like to walk away. It’s an all-consuming decision that can completely change the course of your life. Throughout the entire experiment, I never gave up hope. Even through the toughest of times, because I wanted to believe that the chemistry we shared from day one meant something, and I don’t want to walk away from you leaving any stone unturned.”
YAY!!
“You are a one-in-a-million guy,”
PREACH.
“I’m hoping that we can continue what we have into the real world.”
“Because right now, it is too special to let go.”
I’m not crying but I’m not, not-crying.
He ditches the umbrella for The Notebook moment Matt deserved.
They are very happy because they deserve love even if they aren’t in it yet.
Sunday night we have a reunion dinner party, where we find out Ballarat Paris has been texting another husband. Wonder who it is? I bet it rhymes with shaby sheal.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps / what she should do with her life next on IG here.
