MAFS‘ final vows! Where has the time gone? Two months of our lives we ain’t getting back, people.
Everyone’s packing up shop. There are a lot of soccer ball bags being used for packing purposes. Where did the extra baggage come from? Right, you all dated people who gifted you brand-spanking-new trauma.
They’re sad. I’m sad that the couples were able to see each other after that rollercoaster dinner party. That’s too much opportunity to chat about final vows and what they’re going to say. Don’t love that.
Jackson is getting emotional about saying goodbye to Olivia. TBC if they are happy or sad tears.
Brent is refusing to say goodbye to Ballarat Paris ahead of final vows. Makes total sense.
Selina is taking Cody home because border restrictions have been lifted. Her house is very adult compared to his, with an adult bed and adult linen, but his living quarters are not hard to beat.
Jackson is reflecting on when Olivia said and did things that didn’t make him want to cry. Oh, Olivia’s from the Cenny Coast? I hope our paths don’t cross at The Beery when I’m home for Christmas. Also, is she loaded? What is the beachside home she has?
Cody is meeting Selina’s mother, Teresa. I’m not going to make the obvious joke. Teresa has ditched her “regular schmegular mugs” for the occasion and has whipped out the special teacups instead. But Cody breaks them.
Teresa tells him he’s “clumsy” and doesn’t handle things well without thinking them through properly. IF ONLY SHE KNEW. Selina thinks the broken teacup is a bad omen. Cody admits Zac’s going to have to move if things with Selina progress. That would not be the worst thing in the world.
Brent’s hanging with his legend of a mum. She’s wearing a fedora which makes me feel a certain kind of way but I’ll allow it because they’re outside and sun safety comes first.
Mum wants to see Brent walk away from Ballarat Paris, just like the rest of Australia. “If he’s not happy, fuck Tamara.”
Yeah! Fuck Tamara!
Cody and Selina are peace outting. He has given her a parting gift, which is an adoption certificate for a sea otter. Don’t love him, but that’s a pretty cool gift. Especially because it’s a running joke between them.
He’s also gotten two plush-toy sea otters – one for each of them – which can be reunited when they see each other again. Into it? Look at Cody communicating! Through toys.
Jackson is teasing a belly button reveal one last time while chatting to his family about Grudgey McGrudge Face. Mandy is concerned. About Olivia. Not his inability to do up buttons.
As Olivia and Jackson get ready for vows, they are pretending they have doubts and questions. “Everything about my wellbeing hangs in the balance of what Jackson says,” says Olivia. Healthy.
She is now reunited with Jackson and his balls. She says he radiates warmth and is even-tempered, and makes her feel worthy. His eyes are welling up.
“During this experiment, I feel as though I have been accused by others of being a vindictive grudge-holder with an agenda for revenge – and you could potentially be put off of me because of it.”
“I’ve been attacked and pushed to breaking point, but never once by you,” she continues, making it clear there’s a yes-be-with-me-forever speech incoming. “My dad said to me once that if it’s right, it will be easy, and this advice has echoed in my mind ever since I met you. Jackson, I love you.”
WE HAVE AN L-BOMB, PEOPLE.
Jackson is into it. He kisses her on the lips, which is basically confirmation he’s committing to her. It’s his turn to speak.
“Throughout all the good times we have shared, there have been some moments which have really made me think about us moving forward,” he explains.
“The way, at times, you have responded to challenges of the experiment, and some of the snide comments that you have made along the way, don’t sit well with me.”
“I need to be brutally honest with you.”
“Seeing you under the pressure of this experiment has not always brought out the best in you, and it leaves me worried that your tendency to hold grudges might one day end up with you holding a grudge against one of my friends. I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I have to choose between you and a friend.”
But he says despite all that, he’s so grateful that he met her. Here we go.
“I want to make you feel special every day, just like you deserve. Although I am not at the ‘I love you’ stage just yet, I want you to know that I am definitely on my way there.”
“And when I do finally say it, you will know that it’s sincere it that moment, that I will love you with my whole heart. I’m so excited to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.”
“Aww,” replies Olivia. They kiss and at this point Jackson’s balls look safe from a cuddle. Olivia wants babies.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are gearing up for one final cunt-down. I don’t know why the producers are even entertaining a forever outcome here.
“I’m not sure if Brent will like what I have to say,” Ballarat Paris teases. “There will be some touchy subjects in there for Brent.”
Hell, they don’t even hug hello. I can smell the hostility from here.
She’s going first. She can’t believe they’ve made it to this point. She says she showed her real self and all her flaws from the get-go. Not untrue?
She continues by saying there were heaps of times they could’ve called it quits. “We can say, out of all the couples, that we really did put our all into this journey,” she tells Brent.
Let’s get touchy, shall we?
“The truth of the matter is that, from day one, my intuition was telling me there was something not right between us,” she explains.
“So many times I think back to how you acted, and what you didn’t say, that caused unsaid awkward tension. You were putting on a brave face and using your ego as a protective shield for insecurities in a relationship.”
“You have made me realise that materialistic things in a relationship don’t really matter to me.”
“Being with you made me feel homesick,” she continues. “It made me feel out of place and miss what I left behind.”
“I don’t see a future and I feel the best path for me is the path alone, I’m sorry,” she continues.
“If you take any advice from me it’s just to be yourself. And that you’re enough.”
Brent’s turn! Let it rip, brother.
“Two very stern yet similar souls met their match the day we got married,” he tells her. “We clashed from the beginning and that was half the fun.”
He’s saying nice things and I’m confused. “Tamara, you have this great ability to get people excited about almost anything. You have the ability to light up a room when you walk in.”
“Our relationship is capable of great things when we are thoughtful, understanding, kind and genuine. But we often had to hit rock bottom to get to this place. Unfortunately, the downhill spiral to the bottom was filled with disrespect.”
“Closer to the end, as the stresses of the experiment really started to wear us down and that homesick feeling set in, your true colours showed. You became vindictive, spiteful and self-absorbed.”
“I was made to feel like a fool, chasing you around for the smallest amount of decency and respect that anyone in the world should show another human.”
“The screaming, the breakdown of communication, the refusal to give in or let go, and eventually the inability to be kind, destroyed us. And you never took part for your responsibility in our shitty fate.”
“Time and time again, I would be the one coming back to you, trying to find some middle ground. No matter how hard I tried to mend things between us, it felt like you were only ever thinking about yourself.”
“Tamara, after all we’ve been through together over the last few months, I finally have the clarity I’ve been lacking for so long now.”
Is he…. going to shit on her?
“I’ve seen the real you. The one who doesn’t respect me or anyone around her.”
“You don’t have any real loyalty to anyone, and I realise you lack all the qualities I’m looking for in a partner. You are not God’s gift to humanity, so stop looking down on everyone. I don’t even know where you get the confidence to do so.”
OMG. I just scoffed.
“So on that note, good luck… and good riddance!”
He just threw his speech cards on the ground and walked off. It’s so dramatic and performative but I’m so into it.
My mouth just opened. Literally. This is GREAT.
Ballarat Paris is having a good, final teeth-lick while she comprehends what just happened.
“I don’t think I’m better than anyone else, I just have confidence in who I am,” she tells the cameras. “What Brent said to me is something I get told by insecure people all the time.”
Alright, darling. Please remind of us all the ways you’re the queen of the castle.
“The way I’m happy with myself, I think it upsets other people.”
“Brent thinks he knows the real me, but he doesn’t really.”
“I just needed to leave. I needed to say my piece and leave,” says Brent, adding that he doesn’t need to ever see her again. But that’s absolutely what he’ll have to do for media obligations.
“The fact that she can say, ‘You’re enough’,” Brent laughs. “Thank you. Really heartfelt! But I don’t need to hear that from you anymore.”
“I’m definitely walking out of here with my head held high, with integrity and with no regrets.”
Tomorrow night we have final vows for Princess Bogan and Nice Guy, Selina and Cody, and @badgalella and Baby Seal. I have little hope for any.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps / what she should do with her life next on IG here.