Tonight we’ve got another MAFS dinner party which is good given shit got very boring last episode. Drink up and let it rip, heteros.
We kick things off at our latest tributes’ honeymoons. Kate is still hating her life after Matt gets “the guns” out because the sun is also out.
Daniel is wearing a robe with hopefully nothing underneath it. He is recovering after Jess stormed out because he wouldn’t tell her what he would change about her physically.
It also turns out that Jessica must be related to Selin, because she told Daniel that he does not have balls and is a little bitch.
Jessica is “not ashamed” of what she said even though she should be (and will be once the MAFS experts get a hold of her).
She does not like how flustered or frazzled Daniel gets and says she usually likes people who don’t let their emotions overwhelm them. “That’s just not Daniel,” she explains.
Mr Moneybags is still trying to make Diva happy despite her telling him that women pretend he’s hot because he’s rich.
Baby Seal is ironing topless and I am pleased to report he has grown body hair in the shape of a snail trail.
Selina and Cody are having dramas. Selina thinks Cody is being hot and cold after he wouldn’t hug her. She doesn’t feel like he wants to be here and is more interested in talking about yoghurt than their relationship.
Selin is pissed off with Regular Daddy Anthony for putting his feet on the coffee table. She feels sick thinking about it and literally everything that else that he does. “The fact that he was breathing annoyed me,” she says.
I don’t know what Regular Daddy’s been doing differently other than being forced into fake tanning but I have to say he’s looking extra daddy today. Meanwhile, Matt is cutting his face with scissors and it’s making me very nervous.
Matt feels he is in the friend zone but is hopeful for intimacy and wants to hold Kate’s hand when they walk in.
He tells Kate she looks good in her dinner-party dress and she says, “Mmhmm”. Wasn’t appreciation of her looks what she wanted? These people, I tell ya.
Jessica and Daniel are fighting about the aircon and she uses it as an opportunity to call him sensitive again. He thinks Jess hates him. I think he is right.
The dinner party has begun and Bebe Al‘s spark is back after him and Sam did the wild thing. Princess Bogan can immediately see the fucc energy so questions Sam about whether or not she’s been getting it done. Sam confirms they had sex.
Bebe Al tells the boys he “consimicated”. They fist bump because that’s the only way they know how to communicate on this show.
“The one-eyed snake got some action,” Bebe Al tells the boys and I may never visit the Australian Reptile Park again. Nice Guy refers to Bebe Al’s dick as his “little gentlemen sausage” and I may also never eat again.
Da Boiz are now teaching Bebe Al how to kiss and it is atrocious to witness.
“You really are an endangered species and you must be protected at all costs,” Brent tells Bebe Al. Hard agree.
Kate and Matt walk in and Princess Bogan is stoked that they are “holding haaaarnds”.
@badgalella and Selin are also bewildered by this handholding. Matt tells them about his honeymoon being like The Notebook, but conveniently leaves out the part that didn’t include any love or romance.
Mr Moneybags walks in wearing the worst jacket I have ever seen which is unfortunate considering it probably cost a shitload.
Ballarat Paris is also appalled by his costume.
Bebe Al is doing a speech for our new guests but his voice sounds like he punched a pack of darts at Beach Road last night. He declares “INITIATIOOOON” and his shoes are off.
Matt does a shoey and is proud of himself for taking orders from someone 14 years his junior.
Sam is OK with it.
Kate is not.
Jess and Daniel have arrived. Al is immediately threatened by how hot Daniel is and tells Daniel that he loves his teeth. Sam thinks Daniel’s clothes are too tight and that he is punching.
Princess Bogan does not like the vibe of Jessica and Daniel. Side note: Mr Moneybags’ disco bomber is apparently a Balmain jacket. I still hate it.
Jackson decides to dish out more unsolicited advice after Jess says she was a “wet rat” on her wedding day with Daniel. @badgalella wants to know how things are going but Jess will not Daniel speak.
Jess keeps saying “crack the shits” to explain her time with Daniel and it’s pissing me off. Do we need to send her and Baby Seal to the library where they can learn a) some new words and b) how to properly speak about your partner?
Princess Bogan reckons Daniel is a “poor bastard” and Ballarat Paris is trying to see how he is coping dating a retail assistant.
Jess uses the opportunity to talk over Ballarat Paris and Daniel by asking how Diva is finding Australia (where she has been living for over a decade).
Princess Bogan is having none of it and Daniel is slowly falling in love with her because she “sees through Jess”.
Jess hates Princess Bogan and thinks she is trying to be the fourth expert. Princess Bogan calls Jess an “immature princess” to the camera and “childish” to Jess’ face. Jess has CRACKED THE SHITS and walked away.
Meanwhile, Cody doesn’t know if he can continue to pursue a relationship with Selina, even though he is the one wearing a zebra shirt. Selina is crying and he says, “See what I mean, that’s what does my nut” to the table.
I hate Uncle Jaime Cody!
Jackson and Olivia are yet again worried about a relationship that is not their own so they ask Selin and Regular Daddy how they’re going.
Regular Daddy says he’s making a lot of effort. Selin says she doesn’t know what she likes about Regular Daddy. Lovely.
Selina and Regular Daddy bond over their spouses being losers. Selin can see what’s going down. She thinks Anthony’s shit stinks and is sick of hearing about how much of a gentleman he thinks he is.
Selin tells the table that she doesn’t think Regular Daddy going to get her Macca’s in the rain is that great (it is).
She then says he sent her the receipt and his bank details so she could pay him back. Hahah, I’m sorry Regular Daddy, but just cop $5.50 for the Happy Meal. Selin’s tanty is not worth it.
Regular Daddy tells Selin does not have the capability for a relationship.
WE LOVE TO SEE HIM STICK UP FOR HIMSELF.
Daniel is quickly becoming a shell of a human but is hopeful Jess and him can work it out. He wants her to touch him on the shoulder.
Ballarat Paris is worried about him. So is Princess Bogan. Princess Bogan is thankful for Daniel’s veneers because if his white teeth didn’t exist, she wouldn’t even know he was there.
Princess Bogan has decided it is her place to tell Jess to sort her shit out and talk to her husband.
Jess is not impressed this conversation is being had with her again. Princess Bogan calls her a “petulant child” and demands that she outlines what her issues are with Daniel.
Selina pushes Jessica for an example of what she’s “been through”. Jessica tells the table that Daniel is “emotional” and gets “flustered” and “the aircon thing”.
PRINCESS BOGAN IS ON FIRE.
NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT MENTION AIRCON AROUND PRINCESS BOGAN.
Princess Bogan then asks the room to raise their hand if they’ve ever not gotten along with their partner.
Dead. Can you imagine this happening at an adult dinner?
Jessica walks away. “She tires me. She’s boring. I’m done with that bitch,” she says to the camera.
Daniel’s losing the shreds of hope he had left. Diva talks to him about not being attracted to Mr Moneybags because he is not tall.
Diva asks Daniel who is the most “his type” in the room. He points to HER.
WELL, WELL, WELL. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.
ARE THESE TWO FLIRTING?
Daniel says that the people have been matched up together is “interesting” and this is subtext if I ever did see it.
Diva is loving it. She’s catching what he’s putting down.
She tells him she’s here if he needs someone to talk to.
Oh, this is ON.
Tomorrow night it looks like there are multiple “Leave” cards. Good! Get these people off my damn screen.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.
