Are we ready? These MAFS recaps are coming to an end so enjoy them while you can. Also taking suggestions for what to do with my life once this is over.
Selina and Cody are going plant shopping?
@badgalella and Baby Seal are fishing?
Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are… grassing?
Ballarat Paris and Brent are generally hating each other. There’s no question mark here because this is to be expected when someone shits on your existence.
Brent has ripped their names off the door. So moody. For a man. But not for a woman. Right, Ballarat Paris? She has seen the sign and thinks it’s “dramatic”. Wonder how the property manager feels.
Turns out Jackson and Olivia do get to have a final date. Balls! Jackson has now just given up on shirts altogether after struggling to do up his buttons. And because his wife cannot be trusted with apparel.
Jackson is taking Olivia to have an outdoor bath surrounded by white roses while he makes her dinner. Christ, not the Hannibal Lecter mask again. I literally had nightmares last time she slapped on a Garnier.
He gets her a diamond necklace because he wants to keep her keen before springing the hard-hitting questions on her.
He tells her about his ex and please don’t tell Olivia her full name. He says the ex didn’t get along with his friends. He is worried this will happen again with Olivia who is Grudgey McGrudge Face.
Olivia says she’s had issues with her exes’ friends in the past. And that if she has issues with Jackson’s friends, she just won’t want to be around them. Joy! What every partner wants to hear!
“Just because you like people, doesn’t mean I have to like them as well,” she tells him. She says she wouldn’t want to come to social events that the friends she didn’t like were at. What a promising future they’re looking at.
Boiz Night and Galz Night has been announced. Given so few couples made it to the end, the producers have invited past participants to make numbers. Bebe Al is pumped.
Will Daniel come? “He’ll get his head ripped off his fucking shoulders if he comes,” Baby Seal says. Just make sure the new head is proportional to the body, beb.
Da Boiz have the whole venue to themselves which they make look like a treat when in fact it’s probably because of COVID-19 restrictions. They’re all wearing buttoned-up shirts except for Jackson.
Over at Galz Night, OLIVIA IS WEARING A POO-BROWN DRESS.
They’re at one of the venue’s Brent co-manages. Ballarat Paris is persistent about him just being “just a hospo person” who “waits tables” and makes funnies at his expense.
It’s clear Daniel and Diva are going to arrive at one point or another. They think they deserve a prize for still being together two weeks later. She poses for their Instagram hard launch.
Yes! Holly! Missed you beb. She has faith in the universe to have taken care of her Galz. She tells mirror Holly that she’s looking good. Everyone is very excited to see her. Selina thinks it’s like “seeing Christmas day”. Appropriate.
Kate‘s in the house and I’m sure she’ll be just a ball of fun. So’s Sam but please can no one act excited because she’s been gone 60 seconds.
Ah, fuck. Selin. Forgot about this chick who is quickly declaring drama.
She dives straight in to ask about the retreat. Proud of Da Galz for shutting that shit down like a Windows 95 monitor. Selin literally pats the table to try and get their attention.
Now she’s clinking her glass to get a response from someone – anyone. She thinks they are being disrespectful and childish for not engaging. Someone play the tapes back and show Selin what disrespectful and childish behaviour looks like.
Regular Daddy is in the house after a WWE match. He looks a good amount of daddy aside from his Kmart flanno. You can just tell with those vibrant reds, you know?
Bebe Al worms his way into the venue. No, literally. We even get a glimpse of his red g-banger.
Selin says she wore her evil eye necklace to protect her against “the bitches”. Again, let’s discuss disrespectful and childish behaviour, shall we?
Now she’s going off at Ballarat Paris for yelling – like she does to Brent, according to Selin. “You’ve led him on!” yells Selin.
Ballarat Paris doesn’t think Selin should get to comment given her duration in the experiment. There is a lot of yelling, only further cementing Ballarat Paris’ disrespect for the hospo industry.
She puts her back to Selin because she “can’t be fucked” listening to her shit. Now we’re having another “you’re yelling” match and I’m having serious retreat flashbacks. This is just what Selin was angling for, probably.
Sam brings up that Selin didn’t even sleep in the same room as Regular Daddy. Selin asks why Sam is bringing that up. Rich coming from a woman who continues to bring shit the fuck up.
“Fuck you Selin!” says Ballarat Paris. “Who the fuck does she think she is?” Now Selin is watching the girls bitch about her while she scoffs on a taco.
It’s a great visual.
Then Sam says this:
Sam, “weird” is not a good word to use here. She says the necklace looks like what Ursula captured Ariel‘s voice in during The Little Mermaid. Sam then replays the scene and consequently ruins my favourite Disney film in five seconds flat.
Regular Daddy is in deep regret after discovering wife-swapping was an option if he was cunty enough to do it. Mr Moneybags has arrived but says he is not interested in hearing Daniel’s “verbal diarrhoea” and that’s an image I didn’t need. Not the veneers!
Jess has the audacity to arrive, likely so she can criticise bitches big and little. Selin jumps right in and tells Jess that Daniel was hooking up with Diva.
Jess pretends to give shits but surely she does not give any shits after her 72-hour marriage with him. Meanwhile, Daniel arrives at Boiz Night for an unbuttoned bro down with Jackson. Bebe Al is shook.
Daniel tells everyone he’s been spending 24/7 with Diva and when someone asks if they’ve rooted, he confirms they have. Mr Moneybags tells Daniel that Carolina threw away a diamond and picked up a rock. Daniel is the rock.
Daniel says this is not the Golden Globes and that Mr Moneybags’ speech can suck a big fat one. Something like that. Mr Moneybags says real men do speeches. Daniel said that if he had the chance, he’d do it all over again with Diva.
Da Boiz are unimpressed. “If it were up to me, I’d grab him and throw him the fuck out,” says Brent. Daniel’s unbuttoned bro AKA Jackson says the problem is no remorse. Who does he think his wife is?
Meanwhile, at Galz Night, Diva is walking on in. Why would ya tho? Like, who’s going to talk to you? Oh… Kate, apparently?
Diva feels a bit awks that no one wants to speak to her after she stomped on Mr Moneybags’ soul. She is literally only there to declare that she’s still together with Daniel. It’s so obvious. She tells Da Galz of their budding relationship:
- They’re “pretty strong”
- They’ve spent 24/7 together since experiment
- He has a key to her home
- He’s moving to Sydney
- They’re officially “boyfriend and girlfriend”
I don’t like people who list out positive things in their relationship. Tell us about how his dilated eyes freak you out!
Da Galz are angry about a message Diva sent Mr Moneybags saying that this experiment is “just a show” (it is). She tells them she will run her messages past them in future. It’s very smart ass areas and I LOVE IT.
Back to Da Boiz. Daniel is trying to engage in conversation with anyone and specifically addresses Baby Seal but uses the name “Mitch” to do it. “I don’t wanna talk to you, bruh. I don’t rate ya,” Baby Seal responds.
Bebe Al asks Daniel is he’s in love. Daniel says it hasn’t been long enough for that. Then Baby Seal says… this:
YUCK.
NO.
P is for pussy, right? YUCK YUCK YUCKETY FUCK.
I am sad that our kween @badgalella is dating this douche monkey.
Baby Seal says Daniel should just have his “fun” and move on. Is this how he views women? Now he’s just being the fucking animal we know him to be. He slaps Daniel’s back with his finds and says, “It’s all good bruh!”
“You don’t know anything about our relationship so don’t say disrespectful shit like that,” Daniel says. “I’m out of here, man. You’re such a dickhead, hey.”
You’ve done some questionable things Daniel but here, you are not wrong.
“You say that shit in the real world, you’ll get knocked the fuck out. You don’t say that shit about someone’s girl.”
Well… you don’t say “that shit” about a girl – any girl – period. Don’t love this mentality. So problematic.
Baby Seal is really on fire. He’s now having Daniel’s wine because apparently he is not lit enough already. He tells Daniel, “You ain’t gunna do nothing! Piss of bruh!” Gross. He thinks he’s so ~tough~ and so ~cool~. He calls Daniel a “clown” and a “peasant”.
“You’re such a little jealous kid,” Daniel responds.
Baby Seal no likey. He says his relationship with Ella is “brilliant” and “genuine” and that he didn’t need to cheat on someone to achieve that. Can’t wait for some women to come out of the woodworks and prove otherwise.
Daniel’s fucked off now. “He’s scum. Who does that? He knows nothing about us,” he tells the cameras. “I’m going to home to MY girl, Carolina. Happily. I’m done with these dudes. Losers! Losers!”
Sunday night the experts visit for the very last dinner party and make the couples answer questions about their relationships in front of everyone like the sadists they are.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.
