We’ve made it to the MAFS reunion dinner. Well done! Let’s see who’s broken up already, or at least if any of the rumours we’ve been hearing have merit.
Alright, the question on everyone’s licked lips has been answered: it’s been six weeks since the final vows.
Selin‘s back, saying she’s learned things about herself from this experiment which was 100% necessary. Bebe Al reckons he is now mature and doesn’t do shoeys. A shame he is still an animal:
Baby Seal (AKA Mitch)! He’s grown several whiskers on his face which makes me proud. Also making me proud is that he’s full of regret after gravely disappointing @badgalella.
This is exactly what we want from every ex – for them to know how much they fucked up. But did @badgalella succumb to the dumb? Will she succumb to the dumb?
Fuck. She took him back. The entrance! “We’re back baby…. and hornier than ever,” Baby Seal laughs. I guess a seal never changes his… follicles?
Apparently, Baby Seal called @badgalella every day. That feels a bit stage-five to me but @badgalella, on the other hand, is loving it. “We’ve had some time to get back to our roots. His roots. Root, you know?” says @badgalella.
“Really playing that ah, horny bride card aren’t ya?” Baby Seal responds. The evolution of this once-sexually focussed relationship is outstanding.
They look really happy. Like, a little too happy. Especially @badgalella. He must go down on her heaps because the level of enthusiasm here doesn’t make sense otherwise. Straight men, take notes.
Selina and Cody are also still together? Olivia and Jackson are also still obsessing over each other but you wouldn’t know thanks to her permanently disgruntled face.
Nice Guy (Jack) and Princess Bogan (Dom)! No dice? Fuck our lives. “It kinda fizzled,” explains Princess Bogan. “I’m left very confused,” she continues. Nice Guy is also “gutted”.
But there’s hope! “Never say never,” Princess Bogan tells the producers, who have asked her if a de-fizz between her and Nice Guy is possible. “The great Justin Bieber said it himself. I will never say never.”
Digging Princess Bogan’s outfit tonight – I feel ready to either sign up to ING or eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup. Of course Liv is talking about Dom. “I’d rather go for a colonoscopy than have dinner with her again, but here we are,” she says.
“I’m prepared for whatever’s thrown at me tonight. Hopefully no red wine because this Christopher Esber does not deserve that,” Princess Bogan says. How’s the fucking plug? There’s a very happy PR company sitting in their lounge room tonight.
Ballarat Paris and Brent still hate each other. She’s had her eyebrows done since we saw her last and obviously not by Kristin Fisher. Her dress choice has her looking like a straight-up Malibu Barbie.
“Since final vows, I found out Tamara tried to get with another husband,” Brent reveals. Brent’s seen the texts and I’d love to know how and why. Feels like power-producer energy.
Apparently, if Ballarat Paris’ messages went unanswered, she’d follow up with a call, but I also feel like Baby Seal did the dirty and deleted his correspondence with her. “I’ve said from the start, pick your battles – and tonight is definitely the battle to pick,” Brent teases. HERE FOR IT.
Holly! She’s dating someone! “I manifested this,” she tells us. She also tells us that she doesn’t have time for “bitches that want to start drama”. She’s first in and flapping around and talking to herself. Her fake sage is out and ready.
Regular Daddy (Anthony) is wearing a bloody vest. He then tries to fist bump Selin, so at this point, all he needs to do is whip out a fedora for me to revoke his daddy title.
Bebe Al has had a love heart shaved into his head. He’s very happy to see his ex-wife, who thinks love should be on the front of his mind, not the back. “Tonight I feel like I’m entitled to more of an opinion,” Sam teases. “I’m not holding back.”
Jackson and Olivia declare they have moved in together – yesterday. Just in time to shove it in everyone’s faces at the reunion! Definitely planned that way. Jackson says it’s a little beach shack of the Cenny Coast but if it’s the same place Olivia’s home visits were, it ain’t no shack.
He still hasn’t said “love” but Olivia reckons that “actions speak louder than words”. Holly clears her throat. Olivia is scared that people asking him that will scare him away. Doll, if that was a possibility, the extermination would’ve come from you and would’ve happened already.
Ballarat Paris walks in wearing the worst outfit I have ever seen. I didn’t see it full length before but it truly only gets worse with some kind of sequinned side-train. Bebe Al makes this joke (which I’ve been making all along tbf):
Ballarat Paris is telling the girls about being shat on during final vows. She reckons her vows were “nice” and that Brent “ran off”. Both of which did not really happen because she lives in an alternate universe. She says he has “little man syndrome” and that he’s “yuck”. Is Baby Seal even tall and does he even have a job?
Olivia is very happy to see Nice Guy walk in alone. And so is… Sam? Who has become a touch horrific in the last six-eight weeks? Is she scared she didn’t get enough airtime and is coming in for one last influencer-provoked hurrah?
Sam is trying to put her unsolicited two cents in and Nice Guy shuts her down by saying he can’t wait for Princess Bogan to arrive and that he would date a girl just like Dom in the future. And he loves her to bits. FUCK HE’S GOOD. Who is this man and where do they make more of him?
Sam is still on her newfound warpath and is preparing for Brent to arrive. She tries to stick up for the sisterhood while simultaneously pooping on the sisterhood.
Question from Resting John Face: “Will Tamara give him some respect?”
Answer from her majesty:
Tamara did not even get up from the couch. So Brent declares war. She thinks he wears jackets too long for his “short body”. I’m not sure anyone should be taking fashion advice from someone wearing their Year 10 formal dress.
Olivia is saying she doesn’t have time to deal with Princess Bogan but is also making the time by asking the girls what Nice Guy said after walking in alone. And now they’re bitching about the nude photo again.
Selina, Cody, Matt, Kate and Jess all arrived. Maybe some other uneventful people too. Princess Bogan! Nice Guy is so stoked to see her. They embrace and it’s cute but meanwhile, Olivia has resorted to her pufferfish ways.
Baby Seal and @badgalella have walked in together. She is officially his girlfriend which I’m sure has her feeling through the roof. One person who is not through the roof? You guessed it.
“Ella and Mitch, they’re a bit strange. Like I’m happy for them, if they’re happy, whatever. But I don’t think it’s one of those relationships that’s going to last,” Ballarat Paris jabs.
Meanwhile, Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are falling in love all over again in the corner.
“Seeing Jack tonight, it makes me feel a little bit sad. But I don’t know what happened. It’s something I wanna bring up tonight, for sure,” Princess Bogan tells the cameras.
Everyone has moved on to whether or not Diva (Carolina) and Daniel are coming. Of course those camera hoes are rocking up. “Is she even still with that douchebag?” Holly asks Mr Moneybags (Dion). Sassy Holly!
And yes, they are very much still together and exchanging I love yous in the #sponno car ride. Diva wants to walk in last so that they can be the stars of the show. I don’t care about these two anymore, not that I ever did.
Mr Moneybags is the bigger person and greets them both. “It was weird. I think it was forced. It was just him trying to look like the good guy again,” Diva swipes. HE IS A GOOD GUY FFS.
“If I’ve got Carolina yearning for me, I probably wouldn’t say no,” says Matt, who is an interesting person to be commenting on this scenario. “But, at the same time, you’ve got to be respectful about it.”
Dinner has begun and so has Ballarat Paris’ superiority swipes. She tells Bebe Al that he’s being rude by standing over people while talking to them. He tells her that he likes to be rude and proceeds to burp at her.
“She’s got to keep her nose out of everyone’s business,” he tells the cameras. “No pun intended. Because I know what she’s been doing.”
Brent wants the table to go around and reflect on the most negative thing they have gone through in this experiment. Fucking hell. Jackson wants to do a positive and a negative, likely so he can declare his not-quite-love for Olivia once more.
Ballarat Paris is first and says her negative was leaving her puppy. Her positive was the mean girlfriends she’s made. Then Brent jumps in. “Was the negative not that you tried to pick up Mitch when we got out of the experiment and he rejected you?”
“I tried to pick up Mitch?” she responds. This is the classic question comeback for literally every person who has been called out on something. Buy yourself some time, cupcake.
OMG, @badgalella is chiming in: “We know, babe.”
“We know? What’s the supposed to mean, Ella?” Ballarat Paris asks.
Um, that they know?
“Ella, what’s the supposed to mean, we know?”
THAT THEY KNOW.
“When you texted me, I was obviously hanging out with Brent every day,” Baby Seal explains. “I felt the need, it’s something that just played on my mind.”
“That wasn’t even me!” Ballarat Paris bites back. “Sam was there as well, that was our mutual friend [who] invited Mitch and her.”
Brent’s not done. “But when he said he didn’t feel right about it, didn’t you jump in and say, ‘Just so you know, I feel no feelings for Brent whatsoever, and I know you’re with Ella but blah blah blah, you should really come it’d be a good time’? Don’t say no because I saw the message so…”
Hectic. Does she have enough teeth to lick while she thinks of her response?
“Yep! So if you saw the messages you’d know exactly what they said which is fuck all!”
“She texted me, we have mutual friends, but I still didn’t feel comfortable doing that,” Baby Seal tells the cameras. “There was some kind of intent behind it, something didn’t just sit right I guess.” Meanwhile, at the dinner table, Baby Seal’s new girlfriend is having a great old time.
Ballarat Paris now thinks it’s hilarious that anyone would think she’s shoot her shot with a Baby Seal.
Brent will not let this slide. He says he hasn’t messaged any of the other wives which, up until this dinner party at least, might be half-true. “No I didn’t invite Mitch to dinner,” Ballarat Paris defends herself. “I thought Mitch and Ella broke up!”
Why… is their relationship status relevant if it was just a friendly meeting?
“So just just admitted it!” Selin jumps in. “You put your foot in your mouth.”
“You just said you thought they broke up so clearly you were just trying to get in on it. She wanted a piece of Mitch! That’s what she wanted! Sorry! But that’s what she wanted!”
“So Mitch showed you that message?” Ballarat Paris asks. “OK Mitch, you wanna tell Brent that you called me a 2am in the morning?”
“We know!!” shouts @badgalalla, laughing. “When I called Ella at 2am, when I called Dion 10 times?” Baby Seal adds. Everyone’s laughing. “He called all of us, babe!”
“I don’t feel threatened at all because Mitchell has totally reassured me to not ever feel threatened by you,” @badgalella tells Ballarat Paris, quite condescendingly. “I’m not. It was a whole situation, Like he called everyone, not just you.”
“That’s… fine. Like I don’t think that’s an issue?” She responds.
“Yeah, it’s just yeah.” Mitchell says… to no one really.
“I don’t think Tamara sent those messages so innocently to Mitch,” @badgalella tells the cameras. “Her intentions aren’t genuine ’cause yeah, she probably thought that Mitchell didn’t tell me or call me 10 times as well. Tamara’s a snake, full stop.”
Back to the game, apparently? Mr Moneybags is up! “Give a speech, because you’re good at that!” Diva jumps in. Al is having a great time, as always.
Diva is resisting her ice princess urges and will not let it go.
“Negatives? Jeez there’s been a lot!” Mr Moneybags tells the group. Everyone laughs, except for Al who bangs his head repeatedly on the table. But he’s looking at the positives instead. “I’ve left the negatives out of my life.”
“No, the negatives left you,” Diva responds.
“Oooh,” says Daniel because he is her only support network.
“I can stand here and say to every single person, bar a couple, that I love you all so very much, and let’s look at the positives in life!” Everyone does a cheers to celebrate that cushioned dig.
The table had moved on to talk about dating lives post-show. Kate is not dating anyone. “Can we kindle the flame over here maybe?” Mr Moneybags asks, referring to Matt. “There was no flame!” she laughs.
“I tried to start the fire! I got the fire lit!” he laughs.
“None? Zero?” Matt asks. “Oh come on,” she tells him. “Not even a spark?” Matt tries.
The experts and concerned about Olivia because she is not ruining anyone’s life. Jackson is proud of her for keeping it zipped even though she thought she might’ve been a bit too fuck-eyed for that. But Holly is in deep thought. Probably about the time Olivia took Deep South Daddy’s side.
“I think Olivia’s being a little bit smug,” Holly tells the cameras, adding that Dom filled her in on everything about the photo. “I am team Dom. What Olivia did is unkind, uncalled for, mean and bullying.”
“So Jackson, I know you got this beautiful relationship, you know, like, that’s… well done,” Holly says. BAHAHAHA.
“I remember one of the things that you said – I think it was the first week or the second week, because I was only there for two couches – was that you love the way Olivia speaks to other people, and her kindness and her warmth.”
“Unfortunately, when you weren’t there, we didn’t get that. That second dinner party, I was broken, I was in a toxic relationship, and I came to you guys for support. I didn’t get that!” Holly continues.
“On top of that, what you did to Dom, sourcing a photo and showing it to everyone was really unkind. Liv, why is that you won’t apologise to Dom for the photo?”
“Because I’m not sorry,” Olivia replies. There it is people. Still the undie stain of this experiment.
“I don’t see the power in it when she posted it herself,” Olivia continues.
@badgalella is not having it. “Come dinner party, every single person on the entire table knew but me. Whether I was your mate or not, it’s an explicit pic. Like I woulda been like, babe I don’t know you but there’s a pic going around. It just comes down to who you are.”
“It would hav been easy to knock on my door. My door has my name on it,” Princess Bogan reminds her. “Why would Liv knock on your door?” Jackson asks.
Olivia has polluted Jackon’s once female-empowering soul because he replies, “It’s on the internet?”
“It’s not,” Princess Bogan says. “Eugh, google it, it was on there!” Jackson bites back. “It’s not intimate! How intimate is google?”
This is a shame. I thought there was hope for him yet. Olivia is so happy with her influence.
Selina wants to speak. “So it’s the fact that it hurt her, it was shown, and it fucking hurt her. And our actions, hurt this beautiful girl, and that’s why we need to say sorry!”
“Yessss!” Selina adds.
Cody’s unwavering support is really shitting me up the wall right now.
“It was the sharing of it! It wasn’t that your friend found it or that you showed us, it was the fact that it hurt her!” Selina continues. “That is what I’ve been trying to say for the last eight weeks,” Princess Bogan adds, defeated.
“I don’t feel like I need to apologise though,” Olivia reinforces. “I choose to keep my mouth shut.”
Princess Bogan has something to say. “When something has affected you the way it has affected me and my stress levels, and leading up to that and having to walk into a room the following day knowing that this had all happened and people are all talking about you. It’s really hard,” she explains.
“Actually, you know what, Dom, you can’t sit there and talk about stress levels when I have felt personally, physically unsafe in your presence. You literally stood across a table and fashioned a fucking weapon!”
“I did not fashion a weapon” Princess Bogan reminds the table. “I did not fashion a weapon. No, no, no no. And I didn’t say it was acceptable either and I apologised.”
“She didn’t apologise to me, and that’s the thing. Like I have no interest in kumbaya, so,” says Olivia.
“Olivia needs to apologise. The fact she wouldn’t, all it does it make me feel sorry for her.” @badgalella tells the camera. “All it does it scream ever louder the reflection of her, and her personality and her morals and her values. Her actions just reflect who she is.”
Diva is pashing Daniel and telling him she loves him. She clearly doesn’t know how to shove a relationship down people’s faces while she is banned from using her Instagram.
Daniel is off it that he’s at the end of the table. Carolina asks his permission to start drama, so Daniel uses that as his own ammo to go over to Baby Seal and start some of his own.
“Daniel, took ya a while!” Baby Seal says upon Daniel’s arrival. Daniel demands an apology. “Mate, I’m not saying anything,” Baby Seal responds. “I tell you what mate, I give you this. If I had the chance again, I wouldn’t have said what I said.”
“But you did say!” Diva jumps in. “Be a man and apologise for it!” @badgalella tells Daniel he’s not gonna get what he wants. I mean, if anyone knows about not getting what they want from Baby Seal, it’s her.
Side note: Bebe Al is drinking water straight from the jug.
Mr Moneybags has jumped in now. “You wouldn’t have made it anywhere if you didn’t steal someone else’s wife, because your wife didn’t want anything to do with you!”
Jess loves it, almost as much as Daniel overtaking her as a the shit spouse. “Exactly Dion.”
“Listen!” Carolina demands. “I never had anything with Dion!” To which Nice guy responds:
Diva says they never kissed or held hands, presumably while thinking about the time Daniel held both her butt cheeks.”Thank God we didn’t!” Mr Moneybags retaliates. Nice Guy is laughing and having a very good time but also where is this hand? Please be on Princess Bogan’s knee.
“Relax,” Daniel tells Princess Bogan out of nowhere? “Or not.”
“I’m very relaxed,” she responds. “You don’t want to see me not relaxed.”
“We definitely don’t because you smash glasses when you’re not relaxed,” Daniel bites back in the most predictable way ever.
Dom doesn’t react. She tells Diva she did not react. Diva congratulates her for not reacting.
Mr Moneybags asks Diva why she torments Princess Bogan and that he’s sick of her bringing up drama. Daniel says he’s sick of Mr Moneybags because he’s fake, even though we know full-well his Gucky and Bal-marhn are very real.
“I’m fake?!” Mr Moneybags asks Daniel. “Mate, your teeth are more fake than anything I’ve seen in my whole entire life. Where’d you get those done? Bali for two dollars?”
OK serious question, does Bali do veneers? I thought Thailand was the go-to? Either way, it would definitely be far more than 20,000 Rupiah, but go off Moneybags.
“Every second we entertain the two fools,” Brent says. “The more time we give them air time.” Daniel has gotten up and says, “You’re all, you’re alllll fake!” Daniel is really la-me, isn’t he?
Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are flirting harder than a dick that’s ready to go and we love it.
Now they’re having serious post break-up chats. There seems to have been miscommunication around being too friendly and therefore the relationship being over. He says they are the best of friends because he calls her every second day.
Princess Bogan thinks it comes down to different love languages, even though that sounds corny.
“I hope Dom and Jack don’t give up on love,” Holly says on behalf of the entire country.
THAT WAS A LOT. Tomorrow night we watch the tapes back because the memories of these people cannot be trusted.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps / what she should do with her life next on IG here.