Welcome back for another MAFS recap. Thank God the heteronormativity hellhole will not have any more newcomers after tonight.
We kick things off with Matt watching his wife Kate sleep.
He says: “she’s a very sexy woman.” Kate said they just pretty much just went to bed after the wedding night. Kate’s going to try her darnedest to start liking her husband during their honeymoon.
Dion and Diva have also woken up in the same bed where they are doing normal morning things such as not watching each other sleep. They confirm the didn’t have sex and that Dion is a snorer.
Dion is still thinking about Diva’s 16-year-old son. He wasn’t prepared for a “such a young person to have such an older child”.
Diva is confused that Dion has more suitcases for the honeymoon than she does. It turns out he collects sunglasses and Diva now knows that he is Mr Moneybags.
Meanwhile, Nice Guy and Princess Bogan have spent the night apart after she tore him a new one at Kate and Matt’s wedding.
She maintains it was funny. He maintains it was embarrassing.
She says sorry for making him feel shitty and doesn’t end her apology with a “but”. He accepts it and they hug and make up.
The experts have matched their final MAFS tributes: Daniel and Jessica.
Daniel’s a 31-year-old PT from Queensland. His parents separated and then Daniel and his siblings lived with his father who was an alcoholic. Daniel says his dad was aggressive and an unstable person. Daniel didn’t have a relationship with his mum.
Daniel’s brother took his own life when he was 21. Daniel was 17.
He wants to start a healthy relationship and says that his sister’s daughter, Astaria, is the most important person to him. Astaria thinks Daniel’s new wife will work at a watch store. It’s very wholesome.
Jessica is 27 and likes to stay positive after facing a lot of life adversity. She lives with the ‘rents who she says are her best friends.
Her sister passed away after battling breast cancer when Jessica was 12. “It completely shaped me, I had to grow up a lot quicker,” she explains.
Jessica has a fear of abandonment as a result. She attaches herself to people and has a hard time letting go.
Please don’t do these two dirty, MAFS experts.
Kate and Matt are in Berry and he feels like he’s in The Notebook because there’s a rowboat in a pond and it is raining. He’s hopeful things will get romantic even though it was over for these two as soon as she saw him.
Kate has never seen The Notebook for an unusual and undisclosed reason and she has an issue with the big clock on the wall.
Jessica is looking phenom as she prepares for her wedding to Daniel. He wants to build the family that he never had and to find someone where they “just vibe”.
Jess and Daniel are about to get hitched. Daniel turns around and weirdly doesn’t look stoked?
I guess it’s the nerves because he tells the camera she’s hot and all that jazz. She feels hopeful too. She says very sweet vows and so does he. They do a little peck to fake officiate the thing and he says sorry for his “dry mouth”.
Kate and Matt are now going for a little dip in the pool, not the pond, while La Niña sorts her shit out for a hot minute. Kate pretends she is having fun even though she is not feeling like herself.
Kate gets her kit out but decides ankle deep is deep enough for this pool playdate. Matt continues jumping in and splashing around. She continues to hate her life.
Jessica and Daniel are sitting by themselves because Big Bad Rona stopped any guests from attending their nuptials. I feel bad that they only have each other to talk to.
They start talking family and Jessica tells Daniel that her sister passed away. He tells her that his brother also passed away.
Daniel calls his sister and niece to give them the DL. She is stoked because he loves brown-haired girls, otherwise known as brunettes. Daniel feels a lot of pressure and is worried that Jessica will leave him and that Astaria will have no one to meet at the end of this.
Diva and Mr Moneybags are in Gerringong on NSW’s South Coast. I’m sure they’ll be pissed to find out they’re not staying in Dovecote.
They are now eating oysters and the Honeymoon Box AKA the Honesty Box has been delivered by the MAFS experts.
Diva says her ex cheated on her. She went through his bank account and found out he was a regular at a “mature ladies brothel”.
Diva tells My Moneybags he is not her usual type. She thinks there’s potential but she’s not attracted to him yet.
Mr Moneybags is attracted to Diva but is sad that she did not want to buy this Tom Ford showbag from The Easter Show.
Diva thinks that girls have pretended to be attracted to Dion all his life because of his money. She then thinks the cameras aren’t rolling so says that exact thing to his face.
“Do you think you’re that hot that people can’t be not attracted to you at first?” she asks Mr Moneybags.
Mr Moneybags says it’s a real kick in the gut because she knows shit all about his previous relationships and financial situation. This from a man who flaunted his eyewear collection to her.
Jessica and Daniel are sitting outside where she tells him she will wear trackies at her “real-life wedding”.
He’s wigging out.
I’m thinking this is the equivalent of your partner talking about their future as if you’re not a part of it.
He’s totally thrown off so heads to the dunny.
Daniel’s stressed about Jessica thinking this is a fake wedding which is exactly what it is. He thinks this means she’s not serious about their fake union. He is now not getting “the best vibes”.
Daniel returns to the love seat to tell her that he’s put heaps on the line to be here. She confirms that “real wedding” means one with family and no cameras.
“Calm down about that,” she tells him. She wants someone who talks to her and communicates these things, which I feel like he did within the next 30 minutes but anyway. As you were, sis.
She keeps saying he “cracked the shits” which is a surefire way to make someone actually crack the shits. Jessica says she will always be completely honest about her intent. He understands and thinks he’s been an idiot.
I think it’s fine, Daniel!
You are not a piece of shit!
Jessica and Daniel are now waking up in the same bed which is good areas to be in. They understand each other’s needs now (do not walk off) and that they can now move on.
They’re straight off to their honeymoon at Kangaroo Valley so that all the couples can get the same shuttle bus together from NSW’s South Coast > Sydney CBD.
Daniel teaches Jessica how to do a landscape paintings. She asks if his parents were artistic which makes him open up about his alcoholic father. He explains art was his coping mechanism.
He confirms there is no relationship with his parents now and she’s very mindful of whether or not she’s overstepping her boundaries. I think we like Jessica?
“He’s like a really remarkable human being,” she tells the camera. Agreed sis. Be kind to him. They decide to put their painting on eBay.
On Wednesdays Kate wears pink and she is celebrating her longest relationship yet. Matt asks about Kate about her dating history over dinner. She says she’s dated a lot of guys but has never had a serious relationship.
She has made the interesting decision to emphasise her vowels to explain this.
“Like I’ve never had anyone call me their girflieeeeeeend. I’ve never been in loooooove,” she tells him.
“You know, I’m good enough at seeeeeex, but I’m not good enough in a relationshiiiiip.”
He appreciates her opening up (her vocal chords) and assures her she will find love — even if it’s not with him.
Jess has invited a wombat over for her candlelit dinner with Daniel.
She’s hoping that an intimate connection will happen naturally and part of me is jealous of what she will be connecting with.
Things kick off swimmingly before the Honesty Box arrives. Jessica says Daniel is good looking but not her usual type. She likes Mediterranean men. He is physically attracted to her but she is not his “dream girl”, even though visually she’s his type.
That doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense. Like there must be something very specific about his dream girl that she doesn’t have.
Jessica gets an AMA card! She asks Daniel what he would change about her physical appearance. He knows this show well enough to know that no matter what he says he’ll look like a dick answering this.
Daniel decides not to answer which Jessica decides is hurtful in and of itself. He says he would like to avoid the opportunity to “double-hurt” her feelings.
NOT KNOWING WOULD KILL ME.
Side note: I feel like we didn’t know Jessica’s profession until now.
Jessica has decided Daniel got flustered and had another “tantrum”. I am glad she has not experienced actual tantrums because this ain’t that.
“Looks like we’re ending the honeymoon how we entered it,” Daniel tells Jessica. These two aren’t very good at communicating so far which is a real shame given how promising it looked.
Jessica tells him goodnight and they sleep separately. This is a shame for his abs which really deserved to have cheese grated on them tonight.
Daniel has now become part of the Blair Witch Project. He heard a spirit named Jess on the phone “going off” about him.
Tomorrow night looks fucking lit though. Al does another shoey and Princess Bogan calls Jess a “petulant child” for some reason.
YES. LET’S RAMP THIS SHIT UP.
P.S I miss Holly.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.