Consider your life officially over because Married At First Sight Australia is here. I’m Chantelle and while I don’t smash wine glasses when petulant children piss me off, I do know what it’s like to date a douche. I assume that’s why I’ll be writing your MAFS recaps for 2023.
Welcome to our first one! I’m so sorry that you’re here.
Our first MAFS bride Lyndall was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when she was three weeks old. She thought she was only going to live to 32 years of age, but a new drug was approved which added 40 years to her life expectancy. We like Lyndall.
Melissa comes in hot to let all of Australia (and the world, did you see that opening hype reel) that she’s a “freak in the sheets”. She says she’s sassy, loud, spicy and loves role-playing. She’s “not a regular mum”, she’s a freaky mum.
I do enjoy Melissa’s unashamed passion for coitus. I do, however, hate they way she accentuates her vowels.
Sex is huuuge for Melissa. She’s soooo excited for her wedding and she cannot waaaait. She is enjoying her last night of freeeeeedom! I feel like I’m in an episode of Glee. Animated people belong on Broadway and nowhere else.
Our first MAFS groom is Cameron and he’s a chippy from the NT. He works in remote Indigenous communities so he struggles to meet chicks, aye.
He’s really attractive and appears to be a big sun-kissed angel who’s good with his hands — if you can get past the off-centre messy bun.
Let me tell you this now: positioning your man bun in the middle of your head does not make you better looking if you’re a donkey. Oh look, it’s a guy named Jesse with a centred man-bun. I remember him from this god-awful trailer which actually made me wish I could suffer from selective memory loss.
Jesse says he is confident because he is an individual? Like literally everyone on this universe. Inspired. I hate him because he has a problem with women who breathe, listing out 172 things he would prefer the vaginal population didn’t do.
He’s a marriage celebrant. He must vomit at every marriage he celebrates, considering, you know, women attend those things.
Sandy was born in Australia to first-generation Indian Punjabi parents. She feels like a 20 year-old in the dating world because she’s never had a partner. “It’s time for me to live for me,” she cries, explaining that her parents aren’t on board with this experience.
Duncan reckons he “works hard, plays hard”. Why? Because when he’s not working he — wait for it — goes to the beach. Wild! Play harder, Duncan. I don’t care how objectively hot you are.
Jesse — the man that will pick apart every trait of a female — has taken a likening to Duncan’s jaw.
A guy named Harrison has arrived and from his first line at The Buck’s Party, it’s clear he thinks he’s hot shit. “I’m a bit upset they didn’t take me over to the Hen’s,” he laughs.
Harrison describes himself as “adventurous” and “spontaneous” just like every other heinous man on Tinder who thinks they work hard, play hard.
“If you find a better guy, I’ll beat him by 10 per cent,” he says and I simply must dunk his head in a sink until his personality changes. Cheesy pick up lines are just the beginning! I shall name him Bunnings.
Bunnings was cheated on but is glad it happened while he is still “young and hot”. I want to hate him, and I do, but this is something I would also say as a defence-mechanism. I’ll allow it.
“Imagine it happened at like 40 or 50 when all my options are gone,” he laughed and as someone who will be 40 or (possibly) 50 in my lifetime, I resent that. “Let’s do shots, let’s get fucked up,” he says, diverting from the behaviour of any stripper I have met, ever. And regrettably I’ve met a few.
Did I mention that Bunnings is a stripper? He’s a stripper. He hasn’t said it on the show yet but I know this from reading the important news over at Daily Mail.
Back to the Hen’s, Melissa is telling more people that she loves a good dicking. She says it’s because “these baby cubs” need to see “where the mama bear comes from.”
Comes from? Moving on.
A new MAFS bride. Melinda has four businesses, so I have absolutely no idea why she is on this show. Jokes. Rhymes with shromotion. Women are either intimidated or inspired by Melinda, apparently.
I’m inspired by the health of her plants but intimidated by whatever she killed to decorate her couch.
She makes the mistake of talking to Freaky Mum, who is telling Melinda she wants an older man. Why? Because younger men, well, those are the things she’s been “fucking on a weekend basis” already. I blame her for any man who has ever called me vanilla. They were probably hot on the heels of this mamma bear.
“They’re my fuckboys,” she tells Melinda of the younger men. I’ve never heard such a literal use of the word fuckboy.
Freaky Mum tells Melinda she’s going to “bang her husband”. As in her own MAFS husband. Freaky Mum’s husband. Not Melinda’s husband. But I don’t want to speak too soon.
MAFS experts Mel Schilling and Alessandra Rampolla have arrived to the Hen’s Party looking fucking fantastic, if I do say so myself.
“You are in for something big,” Mel tells her veiled tributes.
It’s matchmaking time.
Lyndall says if you connect with someone you should just “grab it” and “enjoy it”. I’m not sure what “it” refers to but I’m glad Freaky Mum isn’t in the room right now.
Omg she’s getting matched with Cam and I love this for her. It’s not every day you find a long-haired man that actually has a soul.
It’s Bunnings’ turn and god have mercy on the soul he’s paired up with. His head is so far up his own ass that he’ll probably find a way to cheat on his bride with himself.
Surprise! Bunnings is a dad. Stripper Daddy? Bunnings Daddy? We’ll let that one marinate. He loved his baby mamma and proposed to her but they have since split. He’s had situationships since and considering he lives in Sydney, that checks out.
Looks like Bunnings is being paired with Bronte, a woman who was subject to Freaky Mum’s casual dick chat but didn’t get a formal introduction from MAFS editors just yet.
Bronte has a solid family who really back her and it’s lovely to see. MAFS Expert Alessandra reckons this pairing is going to be a passionate one, likely because Bunnings Daddy/Harrison looks like the type to overcompensate in areas that could include the bedroom.
Cam’s heading to the wedding in a Cruiser — a car, not the liquid of underage drinking’s past — and I predict we’ll hear him say “How good’s this” and “She’ll be right” at least 98 times throughout this season. Take a sip from your liquid Cruiser whenever he does, maybe? Your life.
After scoping out what Lyndall’s friends and family look like to try and get an indication of how she might look, Cam swings around to see his wife for the first time. Like it’s a literal swing. There’s a bit of a pause until he actually smiles. But when he smiles he genuinely looks happy.
Lyndall tries not to vomit on him. Or her Bec & Bridge dress. She likes his man bun, moustache and eyes. Cam thinks Lyndall is “gorgeous” (she is). She reminds me of Thumbelina.
Cam tells Lyndall there is “a dash of naughty” behind his “big blues” and “dimples” during their vowels. Meow!
Cam also reveals he has a “21-week-old”. I had to count my fingers to calculate how many months that translates to, which is unforgivable.
21 weeks is five months.
Your DOG is FIVE MONTHS OLD.
Why are people so intent on counting their children’s age by the most nonsensical metrics available?
Lyndall tells Cam she’s not here to fuck spiders. He responds as if she said she’s here to fuck him.
Anyway they seem like they will be great together but I’ve been fooled before. They seal the deal with two kisses. It’s fine.
Meanwhile, Bunnings Daddy has hayfever.
He cannot imagine anyone not being attracted to him. He should meet me. He wouldn’t have to use his imagination.
Bronte’s sister tells Bunnings Daddy that he’s a lucky man, to which he replies, “She’s not doing too badly herself.”
The bridesmaids are now nervous and rightfully so.
Bronte walks down the aisle and Bunnings Daddy looks a bit “she’ll do” about it tbh.
“You literally took my breath away,” he tells her. The common connections they appear to have include married parents and being hot.
The celebrant (who I feel like I know para-socially after all the MAFS weddings) asks if anyone has any objections to the union.
They zoom in on a chick who seems to be considering it.
Her name is Jessica and she’s “Bronte’s friend” slash “Girl that producers planted for the drama.”
Meanwhile, Lyndall and Cam are acting like children.
Cam dips her for a photo and says “I got you”. It must be like a man holding the passenger seat to reverse because she’s all hot and bothered and “melted” over it.
They both like red Thai curry and therefore are meant to be. She acts surprised that he likes country music when he says things like “how good’s this” and “she’ll be right” and literally said he was a country boy in his vowels.
Bunnings Daddy goes over to semi-objector Jessica to tell her that he loves her dress. This is a set-up if I ever did see one. She is not even a bridesmaid or family.
Jessica tells him that Bronte’s a good girl with good intentions; that she’s here for the right reasons. “Would you say that you are?” she asks him. “I hope so,” she answers for him. Conveniently, he says he’s getting pulled away so must excuse himself.
OK so Jessica’s Sydney friend has been dating Bunnings Daddy for the last month-and-a-half. I appreciate her for not using weeks as a metric here. Then this is said:
Jessica says that he’s been “planning a future with this young girl”. When did she go from being your friend to being a young girl? Imagine describing one of your friends as a “young girl”. So odd.
Now she’s a “blonde girl”. Thoughts and prayers for our nameless young and blonde girl.
Jessica also tells Bronte that Bunnings Daddy has a kid. I don’t have any infants but I’m not sure that was Jessica’s place to tell Bronte. Cocky or not, I’m sure he would’ve gotten around to it by the 15th minute of knowing her.
If he can pull himself away from flirting with Bronte’s mum, that is.
Apparently Bunnings Daddy joked about how good of a scandal it would be if he got the young/blonde/friend girl pregnant before MAFS. I scoffed. But Bronte? She… inhaled.
Bronte’s gonna confront him. She comes right out and asks, “Who’s the 20-year-old you have on the outside?”
He denies it vehemently. She presses.
“Um, look. Um. I was seeing a number of girls before I came into this.”
DEAD. Including or excluding your clients, Bunnings Daddy?
“I’m a single guy in Sydney. And yeah, like, I didn’t know if this was going to last a week, a month, the entire experiment, that I would see them again. But I’m not in a relationship with anyone. They are just people that I was seeing.”
Unpopular opinion but I kind of get it. I feel worse for the chicks he was seeing. And not because they spent time with him. But because if I went on a few dates with a guy and found out a week later that he was getting married?
I’d never speak to him again by sending him a novel-length message telling him I’ll never speak to him again, and then speak to him again three-four weeks later when I was two wines (or lines?) deep.
Bunnings Daddy said there is someone he’s had a crush on for ages, and they “connected” a week before doing this. If she is 20, how long can that crush really have been without being wildly problematic. Think about it.
Now he tells Brone that she’s blindsided him. The audacity. He thinks Bronte’s “attacking” him for simply wanting the truth.
“The person you’re talking about really likes me, OK?” he tells her, condescendingly. “I might’ve said things that would soften the blow of ‘I’m doing this and we catch up later, great’. So I just didn’t want to be an asshole about it.”
Bronte says that if she finds out he’s lying about this, then it’s going to be hard to come back from it. (He is definitely lying about this.)
Meanwhile, Lyndall is going to tell Cameron about her Cystic Fibrosis. (He will definitely be understanding about it.)
“I have a chronic illness called Cystic Fibrosis. I don’t know if you know anything about it,” she tells him.
His reaction points to this bringing up something personal for him.
“I know about it,” he tells her. “We had a mate pass away. She had it back in Grafton.”
Oh no. My heart. MAFS 2023 producers really did their research here.
He clarifies one of his mate’s girlfriend’s died from CF. “It touches home. I know what it does and how deadly it is,” he tells the cameras.
Lyndall tells him about Trikafta and how it’s going to extend her life expectancy by 40 years.
“I’m so happy for you,” he tells her. I can’t help but think about how this would also be as upsetting, knowing there was something that could’ve helped his friend.
They kiss a few times.
Bronte’s sister is losing her fucking mind over the news about Bunnings Daddy. Bronte keeps saying this is her worst nightmare but I’d like her to report back to me after experiencing a sleep paralysis demon.
Bronte cried during Bunnings Daddy’s blabber but not because she’s touched. Because she’s butt-hurt. It’s actually very sad even if she probably is influencer-hungry. Someone tell her that the worse someone treats you, the higher your chances are of a following count over 400K.
Tomorrow night on MAFS we find out if Bunnings Daddy has enough tools in his tool box to save this relationship. Sandy and Jesse will also get married but not to each other — thank fuck — although that would’ve made for a good MAFS recap.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Tell her how much you hate her MAFS recaps by sliding into her DMs here.
More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV
A Perth Nightclub Shared A Pic Of MAFS’ Cameron Hooning With Jesse To Prove He Flat-Out Lied
MAFS Fans Have A Message For Cam: C U In The NT
MAFS Recap: Resident Manchild Cam Won’t Touch Lyndall Outside Of The City Confines, Either
MAFS Recap: If Cam Wants Another Job, Surely There’s An Erotic Novel In Need Of A Cover Model