MAFS Recap: Dan’s Officially A Beast-Mode Wanker Who Compares His Wife To Other Women For Fun

Let’s see what our new MAFS fuckface Dan has to deliver tonight, shall we? But first, let’s check in with some couples who actually give us hope!

Tahnee and Ollie are happy and their friends and family notice that.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
ily too

Cool. Where’s the drama at?

Cam‘s worried his mum and Lyndall‘s mum will fight about the non-hug. What a storyline.

Cam’s mum finds Sydney “depressing” and honey, wait until you see the rental prices.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
breathing in unresolved mould makes me sad

Lyndall’s mum is sorry for pressuring Cam into giving Lyndall a hug. He talks about being in a fan-forced oven and crumbling if someone pokes him.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
luckily for you, I wouldn’t give that a poke

Mum and son go for a yarn and a beer outside. He comes in to tell Lyndall that she might be insecure.

He loves saying it.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
lol you’re insecure

Lyndall hates hearing it.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
that woman will not be my mother-in-law

They have an agreement of one piece of affection a day. I haven’t been in a relationship for a hot minute (anyone available?) but that feels like an odd agreement to have to make.

“You seem to believe everything your mum says,” Lyndall says to Cam.

“So do you,” he snaps back. Lyndall says that’s because her mum’s a “good person” which Cam sees as an attack on his mum. They’re not having sex for a while.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
have fun with Alessandra’s dildos

Why does Bronte always look so immaculate? I would need four entire tubes of slick sticks to have my hair look like that.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
good for you

Uh oh, Bronte’s sister Kirra is in the house and she is very fierce, so I’m looking forward to this.

Bronte brings up the phone number exchange.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
I will find you

Bronte pulls out the “I know Harrison is a good-looking guy” line again and please, please stop talking about his looks even if they’re the only things he has.

Meanwhile, Sandy is waking up without her active husband Dan. He’s gone for another active run or active swim or active gym session. Sandy’s going to Claire‘s place for advice.

She tells Claire that she and Dan slept together. Claire is saying a lot of things about Dan that could also apply to the way she’s treated Jesse, TBH.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
oh me oh my, I can’t stand liars!!

Speaking of, she’s thinking of Jesse while drinking from her niece’s tea set.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
what is this, a mug for ants?

They’re going to go and play squash — a game I don’t like to play, watch, or recap.

The girl could’ve at least put her hair up for the occasion? Jesse is a better person than me because if someone said “Anthony Murray” instead of “Andy Murray” to my face, they’d be in the bin.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
you are banned from the Australian Open

Meanwhile, Lyndall and Cam are having a scintillating conversation where he promises to exist and touch her sometimes.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
I feel so untouched

Tayla literally can’t even look at Hugo after he put her second-last in the ranking task.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
you’re dead to me hive boy

Sandy and Dan are fighting again — I think it’s about the gym and running and day spas. He tells her he is not going to sit on the couch all day and watch TV and she tells him to stop implying that’s what she wants to do.

He keeps shutting her down.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
this is useless

“Sandy, if I spent that time at the gym as what you do on this fucking couch, I would be absolutely shredded and ripped to no end.”

What a dickhead. Why is he swearing? Why is he humiliating her and making it seem like she’s this lazy slob just because she doesn’t go for six-hour runs?


He says he’s in “beast mode” and LOL.

“When I’m running, I’m only running with people who can keep up with me,” he tells her.

“I’m not gunna fucking slow down, seriously,” he continues. Sandy’s face says it all.

mafs recap mafs 2023 MAFS Australia
eat a dick

Side note: What kind of work Dan does to go for daily six-hour runs? I can hardly fit in 20 minutes on a cross-trainer.

Claire is now taking Jesse guitar shopping and wow she’s really going all out, isn’t she? True story: when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me he got me a lot of flowers and took me on an all-expenses-paid ski trip to Perisher. Do you know what else he did? Continued to cheat on me.

Ollie is hung-daddy because he went out with Hugo, Rupert, Dan and I’m pretty sure someone else’s name was said too. “Not good,” Ollie says.

u got a Berocca?

Rupert accidentally butt-dialled Evelyn. “Naturally I’m listening in,” Evelyn tells producers. AMAZING.

She heard what Hugo and Dan were saying about their wives and this cannot be good. I love that it wasn’t even Rupert saying smack on the butt-dial.

next time tell the boys how hot u think I am

“I kind of had a feeling from the ceremony that Dan was a bit of an asshole,” Evelyn tells producers and OH MY GOD WHAT DID HE SAY. She says the butt-dial really “cemented” her assumptions.

She wants to tell the wives because she thinks it’s fucked.

I cooked it

Claire bought Jesse some guitar picks which let’s be honest, costs shit all. She also got him a crystal which is just rude. It’s a rock that rhymes with chameleon and will help him step into his power, something he likely had before he was cheated on.

my fave!!!

They bond. And if their hugs are anything like Sandy and Dan’s, coitus is on the cards. I am scared for Jesse.

should we lie down

Evelyn is paying Sandy a visit.

We have confirmation that Dan is the devil because he is drinking water from a plastic bottle in a place that has a tap and glasses. This is also an interesting way to “relax” on a couch.

you’re tacky and I hate u

Evelyn tells Sandy that Dan went out drinking with Da Boiz. He told Sandy he was with his daughter which is a low-blow lie. Maybe he hasn’t been on six-hour runs after all?


“He was insinuating that he was too good for this experiment and too good for you,” Evelyn tells Sandy. Evelyn also said he was “boasting about how hot his ex-girlfriends were” and showing all the boys photos of them — information she received straight from Rupert.


Sandy is distraught. She says she put so much on the line to be here and always tries to respect others. She says her father’s biggest concern was that she’d be disrespected and “that’s exactly what happened”.

bc he’s a dirty dog beb

“I’m just broken,” she cries.


FUCK YOU, DAN. I can’t wait for Evelyn to rip you a new one at tomorrow night’s MAFS dinner party.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.

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