Welcome to your second MAFS 2023 recap. Tonight we’ll meet new muppets with plans to ruin their spouse’s lives. And ours for that matter.
Newlyweds and non-muppets Lyndall and Cam are waking up in Byron Bay which feels very suited to their long hair and nose rings. They seem to still like one another which is great for them but kinda shit for us. It will make for a boring honeymoon. Ah, to be kind and respectful on a show like MAFS.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) didn’t sleep together because his ego is too big for one bed. He’s calling her “wifey” (ew) and has gotten her coffee (yew). He assures her that he’s not a steaming pile of shit who’s dating a 20-year-old and she seems to be giving that notion a chance.
It’s time for more MAFS weddings. Joy.
As we briefly learnt in the last MAFS recap, Sandy‘s parents are Indian Punjabi and have very specific expectations of her. She is guarded and wants a husband who will see who she is underneath. She owns a dental business so they are pairing her with Dan, who wow — also owns a business.
Dan has a daughter who is a fully fledged adult. She is 16 which makes me feel like whatever eggs I have left need to hurry up and produce a teenager like, yesterday.
I regret to inform you that we are revisiting Jesse who I’ve seen too much of already and it’s only the second MAFS recap.
As you might recall, he seemingly hates women who exist and has a knack for generalising the gender. Don’t believe me? Here are Jesse’s icks, because there’s a lot of ’em:
- Girls who are addicted to their phones
- Social media
- Motivational quotes (same tho)
- Having hustle and grinding
- Saying “honey” or “sweetie”
- Talking and interrupting
- Starting sentences with “oh my god, babe”
- “Star sign chicks”
- Mirror selfies
- Dirt on the mirror
- Gym selfies
- Pouting
Oh my god babe, I can already count six things that would make Jesse hate me.
He has been single for seven years and I truly can’t imagine why!
Anyway, he would like to marry himself, it seems, saying he’d like to be someone who’s “a bit out there, a bit edgy”. It was really hard to write that without vomiting.
OK he’s being matched with a MAFS 2023 bride named Claire who seems phenom tbh. I am praying for her even though surely there can’t be a god if people like her husband-to-be exist.
Claire is Greek and loves cars. She gets told she’s a lot, a lot. Like she frequently gets told she’s a lot. I can’t imagine Jesse ever taking issue with anything she does. Perfect match! (This is sarcasm.)
Sandy needs to tell her parents about the upcoming MAFS wedding and is nervous as fuck. “As an Indian girl you are expected to be a little more subservient,” she explains.
Sandy’s parents won’t let the cameras inside the house. Fair. When Sandy comes out of the house, she’s pretty distraught.
“Mum’s like, ‘Why is she doing this to us’. I just felt so bad when mum was like, ‘If she’s going to do this, we don’t want anything to do with her,’” Sandy explains.
Sandy received a message from her best friend which turned everything around for her after that conversation with her parents. It says a lot of meaningful and impactful things, but this line really hit the most:
“Above and beyond everything, you are shattering the stigma of an Indian girl being raised to just be obedient daughters, and then obedient wives and daughters-in-law.”
It’s wedding time! First up is Sandy and Dan.
WAIT. DAN AND SANDY. Bahahahahaha. Speaking of, Grease is a movie that has not aged well.
It’s not long before Dan’s wedding guests, who have arrived first, realise that it’s an Indian wedding. Or, if you’re these two brunettes sitting up the front, “Indian or something”.
Honestly, from where I’m sitting, it feels like they’re having a field day with this which is really inappropriate. When Sandy’s side of the guest list come through, this is said:
Somehow it gets worse.
“Dan doesn’t know what he’s in for!” Brunette One says. “I don’t know if this is what he signed up for either,” Brunette Two says.
This is not funny. It feels like they’re insinuating that dating an Indian woman is hard work; a task of sorts. Way to judge someone based on a culture just because it’s not your own. I think they call that racism! You two are the only ones laughing.
Thankfully, not everyone at this wedding is fucked. Sandy walks down the aisle and if I could hug his reaction, I would.
Unfortunately Dan’s friends and their unsolicited commentary continue.
“She’s not what I expected.”
I’d love to know what the fuck they both mean. I don’t know what they were expecting, obviously. But there’s a chance they were expecting someone who does traditional bride things — like wear white down the aisle even though they clearly popped it years ago.
“Not at all,” Brunette Two replies. “I’m shocked!”
It feels like Sandy is picking up on the judgement.
“I feel really exposed, and I feel vulnerable, because coming in with my culture and not being what would be expected,” she tells producers.
Someone literally says “it’s quite…unusual” and I feel sick.
Dan, however, is an angel. “The whole outfit and all of the jewellery is absolutely incredible. I’m sure that’s all part of her culture and her heritage, which really excites me.”
It’ll always baffle me how such great people can have such shit friends. He’s probably rich.
It’s vows time and the brunettes have decided “she’s cool” upon hearing Sandy speak. I can’t help but wonder if this because she speaks fluent English and uses slang. What is happening.
When Sandy explains what red signifies (auspiciousness, prosperity, good luck and new beginnings), Brunette One decides “that’s beautiful”.
Sandy explains her journey to independence to Dan. Brunette One says “You go girl” in response and I truly did cringe.
I support Sandy but Brunette One has some explaining to do for her behaviour all of five minutes ago.
They yell out that she’s beautiful from the FROW of a not-fashion show. I cannot.
Oh look it’s time for Jesse’s wedding.
Oh look, my hymen just grew back.
He’s wondering if his new wife will be “so hot” (she is). She walks down the aisle and he’s fucking stoked, telling the camera that “She’s ungodly hot.”
I can’t gauge what Claire’s thinking just yet.
Oh, she’s happy? She thinks Jesse is “good-looking” and “cute”. It’s funny how we view people on the outside before we discover their turdy insides.
They bond over their heart tattoos that are either on fire or in nooses. Romantic!
Her vows are amazing but he wants to use his to unearth skeletons. Everyone is scared including me because surely there’s not more red flags up this man’s butt.
Oh. He admits that his jaw clicks loudly when he eats. She proceeds to click her jaw at him and it’s very fucking weird.
Nope, just got weirder. He clicks it back at her.
I wonder if this will constitute as foreplay later on.
Anyway, this is not what I’d want to be happening on my wedding day or frankly, at all. This guy, however, is loving it.
Jesse starts breaking down when talking about his struggle to find love. I am also now crying, and I don’t even have an upcoming period to blame it on.
She wipes his tears and it’s very supportive — or “siiiiccckk”, as Jesse says. And don’t forget! She’s so hot! I hope she doesn’t start sentences with “omg babe!” because that would be unfortunate for all involved.
He is LMA? Luckiest man alive, apparently. This is not an acronym people use, I am sure of it.
Stop trying to make LMA happen. It’s not going to happen.
Claire goes in for the kill and Jesse stands there like a corpse. Cute!!!!
We’ve moved onto the reception and Claire is feeding Jesse like an adult baby. Jesse is really turned on by it? “What a sick chick,” he says. It is kind of sick. Not cool sick but fucked-up sick.
Claire asks Jesse when his birthday is and oh god, this is going to be carnage. She clearly wants to know what star sign he is. It’s so obvious because this is the only reason I ask someone this question.
He says it’s July 2nd.
“And you’re a cancer?” She asks.
Oh god oh god oh god.
He smiles?
Maybe it will be OK because she’s ungodly hot?
I’m not yet convinced.
She asks if he knows about star signs. He looks like he’d rather be literally anywhere else.
He is trying not to laugh / do a murder.
Heavens to betsy, Claire’s pulling a crystal out of her bra. I’ve heard heterosexual men make jokes about crystals before and I just KNOW this is going to make his skin crawl.
It’s happened. They’ve moved into “ick territory”. If you’ve been there you’ll the disaster that lays ahead.
He now hates everything she says and does.
Like… asking what his favourite chips are. (They’re Grainwaves.)
Fucking weird areas at that MAFS wedding. Let’s head back to normal civilisation.
Sandy thinks Dan is amazing and she’s able to be herself with him. He says even though her parents aren’t here, he’s there for her and has got her back in this. He makes her feel “accepted” and it’s really beautiful areas.
Speaking of beautiful, is Sandy not the most stunning woman you’ve ever seen? It’s out of control.
Back at Jesse and Claire’s wedding, she has the audacity to revisit spirituality. Oh hell she got him a crystal and that’s definitely going to conveniently lost at the wedding and never seen again.
She tells him it’s for transformative moments and fuck, he doesn’t like that, does he!
I actually think he might cry. Or spontaneously combust.
But wait, we’re flashing back to a one-on-one with MAFS expert John Aitken where Jesse reveals there’s even more deal breakers:
- Cross fit
- Power lifters
- If you say you love dogs
John points out the obvious which is that Jesses list of dealbreakers rules out every living, breathing human and he will never find love like this.
Jesse assures John he is ready to put everything into this MAFS experiment and commit, though. John is unusually happy about it.
Back to their wedding now, Jesse decides Claire is too hot to disregard because of her interest in spiritual geology.
“Let’s have a smooch,” he says and I’m equally parts entertained and dried up.
She says “OK” which is entertainment if I ever did see it. She’s clearly neither here nor there about it.
It’s PG and we have moved on.
I don’t know where Dan and Sandy stayed for their wedding night but it appears they were so excited to share a bed that they did not bother… making it.
They’re honeymooning in Singapore and there’s nothing like an airport to test a relationship! Best of luck!
They hold hands and I like them together. Singapore Tourism must be thrilled.
Claire and Jesse are off to the Whitsundays and I bet Jesse is chomping at the bit to see his hot wife in her hot swimwear while being hot.
Aaaaannd we’re back to the ick. Jesse thinks Claire is a bit high-energy but what the fuck, was that not what he said he wanted?
YOU ASKED FOR SOMEONE “A BIT OUT THERE”.
They are now sitting in silence after Jesse told Claire to “shoosh” multiple times throughout the day. He told her to use her “indoor voice” and ooft that would’ve shat me too. How annoying are people who take issue with your personality?
He tells her that she doesn’t talk too much but maybe feels the need to talk during some moments.
“I should just what, shut up?” she asks.
“Maybe nothing needs to be said in those times,” Jesse responds.
Now she’s second guessing when she should talk. How loudly she should talk. I fucking hate this for her. It’s a downward spiral of anxiety and losing yourself in the process. Who’s been there! I have!
You’re perf the way you are honey.
Tomorrow night we have more MAFS weddings, including our youngest couple yet? Huh? Is this something the network should be using as a selling point? Weird. See you tomorrow for another MAFS recap where we may or may not cry out of sheer secondhand pain and embarrassment.
This writer will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
