Bid farewell to your brain and life because the first Married At First Sight 2024 episode is here to ruin both those things for you.
I’m Chantelle Schmidt and while I don’t like to DickTime or fuck the ocean, I have dated my fair share of douchebags which makes me skilled enough to bring you these recaps for MAFS 2024. Thank you for coming along for the ride — it’s going to be horrible.
What happened on the first episode of MAFS Season 11?
The first MAFS cast member we meet for 2024 is Richard who I will be calling Dick for reasons I don’t have to explain.
He tells MAFS Season 11 expert Alessandra Rampolla that he’s worried what people will think about him “stopping so low into the bucket of reality television” and my word, the man’s both a poet and self-aware.
I guess that’s what happens when you hit 60 (just don’t tell him he looks good for his age).
“To them I say, fuck you all,” he tells Alessandra.
Next we have Natalie who says she is not like other girls because she is under the impression that “other girls” are “Bondi babes”. I personally like to believe that Eastern Suburbs nepo babies are 2% of the population to feel better about myself but go off, girlfriend.
MAFS 2024 bride Tori is given a cocktail of sexy-yet-demonic music and wants three kids to avoid the god-awful Tarago that we larger families have to unload out of like carnies.
Jayden is a kickboxer with a lot of hair and not a lot of socks.
This is the brother of Mitch Eynaud from Season 9, and I’m convinced he’ll be doing a redemption arc on behalf of his sibling. Jayden says he loves coming home to snuggles and back tickles and forgive me if I’ve been fooled by these fuckboy lies before, Tarzan.
MAFS bride Lucinda Light is singing her way to the MAFS Hen’s party and of course she’s from Byron Bay. This is what MAFS 2023 groom Jesse Burford would call “a crystal chick” and is her name actually Lucinda Light, or is this a stage name?
Lucinda lists out all of her preferences in a partner including the manifestation of a high-functioning erection and MAFS expert John Aiken nods in excitement.
Lucinda has whipped out her pen and paper to remember names (and to commentate on the outfits) of all the other MAFS brides who keep piling in without official intros.
Not MAFS bride Lauren, though. She gets a proper intro where she tells us about her sunburnt lips from Bali and that she’s not being tickled the way she wants to be tickled.
She’s our unfiltered queen and I’m not ready for her but I’ll spend my spare time preparing.
MAFS groom Michael is from Ohio and I’m dying to know whether these teeth are real or from Turkey.
He rocks up to the Hen’s night and the girls are confused before realising he is gay. Lauren thought he was a stripper.
Over at the MAFS bucks party, we find out a MAFS groom named Simon has been married before and has a child with that partner. Da Boiz start questioning him to find out what “he’s looking for in a girl” before he tells them that he is not, in fact, looking for a girl.
Watching these men backpedal is the funniest thing I’ve seen today.
Who are our first MAFS 2024 couples?
It’s time for the MAFS 2024 weddings.
Sara is a 29-year-old nutritionist so I’m betting she’s an Eastern Suburbs girlie who has enough money for a Virgin Active membership. But she can’t believe that she paid for the food on her last date because she also paid to get her eyebrows done and for birth control.
Sara’s been cheated on a fuckload by her ex who she dated for around five years, and she kept going back to him because he had a hold over her. Her D&M with Alessandra brings a tear to my eye and I hate that I’ve been recapping this shit for three seasons now and it still pulls on my heartstrings.
Sara wants a pretty boy so it’s a good thing she’s been paired up with Tim whose only flaw (so far) appears to be that he is from the Gold Coast.
I kid. He seems like a really nice guy and he wants to set up a school in Ethiopia because that’s where his adopted sister is from. They’re painting him as a well-travelled guy which must be true because he’s been to Bali. Sorry. He loves Colombia and what would you know, Sara lived in Colombia until she was five years old.
Tim’s also been cheated on by his ex! Looks like these two are made for each other and my faith is restored in the MAFS experts. For now.
Next to be married on MAFS 2024 is human sunbeam Cassandra who I smile just looking at. Sadly she lost her high school sweetheart in a motorbike accident which is so incredibly heartbreaking.
She admits it’s taken a long time for her to feel ready to give and receive love again, but that now she’s ready.
It would appear she is being paired up with Tristan, a 30-year-old event manager who seems very likeable thus far. He calls his mum a queen and why am I crying without a simultaneous shedding of my uterus lining. He used to be overweight so still carries some of those insecurities today.
It’s Tim and Sara’s wedding day and the best man, Ben, is already making me nervous and it’s got nothing to do with that haircut and cross-body bag making him look like he’s about to hit Defqon.1.
One of Sarah’s friends laughs in relief when she finds out Ben isn’t the groom and that’s not very fucking nice. Imagine that! Don’t you think this guy has felt second fiddle to his objectively good-looking best mate for years? Way to play on his insecurities, doll.
When she sees Tim, though? It’s all, “Yaaas daddy” and “Well, hello.” Something like that.
It’s time for the very telling turn-around moment and both the bride and groom make faces that could be confused with ample constipation, so I think we’re golden!
He speaks a bit of Spanish to impress her and good thing he said something nice because she actually understands it. They decide it must be true love because she’s from Colombia and he’s been there.
Tim licks his lips to give his presumably Bondi babe a Julia Gulia-approved church kiss.
Over at Cassandra and Tristan’s wedding, Tristan is thinking out loud and speaking a lot because no one else is doing it for him. I like it! So entertaining! He’d put his foot in it a lot, I would imagine.
He realises that the bridesmaids are not in fact his bride before Cassandra arrives.
They meet and the reaction is nice, warm and giggly. She calls him the BFG and I appreciate the Roald Dahl reference. I am smiling like an idiot watching this and hate myself for it. They are really cute.
Tristan then throws his back out to kiss Cass and it’s not dissimilar to that scene on The Kissing Booth.
The MAFS wedding photoshoots are happening which means one thing: foreplay.
Tim tells Sara AT THEIR WEDDING RECEPTION that he was going to propose to his cheating ex-girlfriend this year.
As someone who was cheated on in a three-year relationship, I don’t think six months is long enough to be free from the wounds of that shit.
“I need your help,” Tim tells Sarah.
“To get over your ex?” she asks.
This is his response:
“No, no. Not like that, what the hell,” he reassures her while not really reassuring her.
Tim reckons he’s over his ex and I’d be off it if my ex was over me six months after we dated for six years.
Over at Tristan and Cassandra’s wedding, it’s time for her dad’s speech.
Dad says a very beautiful speech about Cassandra’s mum who passed away in 2020 and I am in tears watching at home. Something as big as your wedding day without someone you always imagined would be there for it is heartbreaking. Dad finishes by saying “mic drop” and what a king.
The Best Man speech from hell
Speaking of words of affirmation, it’s time for Tim’s bestie, Ben, to come back from Defqon.1 and deliver his best man speech from hell.
“He’s quite fond of experimentation,” Ben says. Oh dear.
“Is road head safe?” he asks.
Did he literally just tell the wedding guests that the groom copped a gobby in a moving car?
“I hope so,” laughs an older gentlemen who I hope for Tim’s sake is not his dad.
“Is it ok to get head in the ER since you crashed your car and you’re here now anyway?” Ben continues.
He then goes on to list out many more experiments that Tim has undertaken.
He then tells a story about how Tim packed food for a music festival and ate rancid, 4-day-old chicken.
“Tim is a wonderful human being — he radiates charisma like the sun — and Sara, you can find solace in the fact, rancid or not, Tim will still eat you.”
Holy shit. Lots to unpack here including allusions to manky flaps and the assurance that homeboy loves the cunning lingus as much as he loves receiving it in dangerous situations.
Sarah asks — begs — someone to make another speech. What did we learn here? They might speak Spanish but it doesn’t mean they abide by Best Before dates.
It’s MAFS honeymoon time. Already! Cassandra and Tristan are off to the McLarenvale wine region near Adelaide and Sara and Tim are in Fiji — which somehow requires a snow jacket.
Tim tells Sara she needs to relax because she wasn’t getting a boner over the taste of the Don Julio tequila. Now she’s off it and he tries to laugh it off.
“It’s not a joookeee-ah!” Sara tells him.
Now he’s saying he never told her to relax and wow, took one whole episode for a storm out and gaslighting to occur.
Tomorrow night is Lucinda’s wedding so we can all skip the Macca’s considering she’s guaranteed dinner, a show and dessert.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Tell her how much you hate her MAFS recaps on Instagram here.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.