Brace yourself for the first two Love Triangle recaps for Season Two — a Stan series from the same evil (yet brilliant) minds behind Married At First Sight — because it’s already getting both sexy and awkward.
I’m Chantelle and I tend to recap dating shows like this one. Why? Probably because my love life is a big hot mess so it’s nice to judge someone else’s for a change.
Let’s tuck in. Needless to say, BULK SPOILERS AHEAD.
Love Triangle Episode 1 Recap
Heavens. It’s the first thirty seconds and people are already offering up their left nipples.
But not the Love Triangle Season Two singles! No! They’re perfect and have no issues with sacrificing body parts — obviously — even though their dating resumes are either a) shit or b) non-existent.
Ella May Ding‘s voice as narrator has arrived to remind us that even if you date someone who’s a Grade-A tosser, you can come out on top and find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Little reminder on what this show’s all about: six singles will have three days to text with their two potential matches. After three days they’ll chose one, sight unseen, before they move in together. Then the rejected one knocks on the door and moves in! Wild!
Let’s meet Jacinta. She’s pansexual and finds it smoother to date women over men. Her matches are Sheree and Nemo but she’s not assuming genders based off their names, and has even changed her name to Jay for the texting to keep her own gender ambiguous.
Nemo is a fish DJ and bartender which already makes me insecure and I haven’t even met the guy. He reckons he gets a lot of attention at the bar but doesn’t act on it.
“Nemo’s giving me very traditional hetero vibes. As in a straight man,” says Jacinta.
She asks Nemo how he identifies, which is straight, but he doesn’t ask her back.
Jacinta is finding Sheree — who also dates men and women — very sexy as Jacinta prioritises emotional intelligence, which Sheree is delivering in spades.
Moving on. Everyone meet Sam who is clearly getting the villain edit. If it wasn’t the music that gave it away then his personality should do it!
“Listen, I’m 35 years old. In 45 years I’ll be dead. In 20 years I’ll be irrelevant so enjoy the finer things while you can really enjoy them I guess.”
Sam thinks picking up women on Instagram is his forte. Like he literally said that. He speaks about women on Instagram as “markets” depending on geographic location and even flies women to Broome to spend time with him.
There it is. He’s 5’9 and I’m not being an asshole with what I’m about to say, I’m just stating the facts based on my own personal experience.
Sometimes you have short kings, and sometimes you have a short person who is overcompensating for an insecurity they have with being short. I don’t know which one Sam is.
“Girls that are younger than me is something that’s just came naturally to me,” Sam said.
Sam’s been matched with Emily and Sophie and he thinks he’s “coy”, classy and “understated” by saying “hello” as an opening message.
Emily is a PT in Bondi and you wouldn’t believe it, but she wears P.E Nation. She’s 36 which seems to greatly wig Sam out.
“Theres a few more K[m]s on the older models. She’s been around the block, so she’s going to have a bit more mileage.”
I say this is seriousness — is this bloke OK? You’re the same fucking age.
The first question he appears to ask Sophie is her age. Mate.
He then decides it’s rude to ask a girl her age. But also decides to lightly manipulate her into thinking it was her idea to tell him her age.
“26 or 27 would be ideal,” he says. Why bro?
She’s 26 so Sam will likely marry her based on some evolutionary need to be with someone who radiates peak fertility. I hope she takes all his money in the divorce when he realises that age is not a dictator of a healthy relationship.
Interestingly, Sam’s last relationship didn’t work out because of the age difference. But I’m sure she was hot and that’s all that matters, right?
Yay, we’ve moved on to comedian Nellie. She whips out some incest jokes straight away in reference to her hometown of Tassie and I love her already. She jokes about MAFS being the last resort in her love life.
She’ll be speaking to Daniel and Richard.
She has a mix of questions to ask, such as whether or not they’re sporting a schlong helmet or if they’d eat human flesh. I love her.
Daniel sounds like he has a big schlong, helmeted or otherwise and they have renamed him Big Roo. He also has big shoulders and gives Daddy Dick Fingers from Love Triangle Season One a run for his money.
Big Roo is a firefighter which is hot. Saving people is hot. Nellie thinks so too. She’s very excitable, isn’t she?
“He fights fires and I tell dick jokes on stage,” she explained. She’s imagining “The Rock with hair.”
Richard describes himself as “a cheeky fucking bastard” which is interesting. Only creepy fucking uncles say cheeky but go off, bastard? He doesn’t seem to really give any fucks, so he must’ve read that Mark Manson book at some point.
Sam has had some clarity around his superficial decision to go for women younger than him and has decided to choose Emily because it’s the “responsible” thing to do.
It’s time for them to meet! Wild. He’s worried she’ll be taller than him “with eyeballs popping out of her head”, because that would give him “the ick”.
Emily’s wearing heels and looks really tall so this is already destined to go badly. OK, she’s not that much taller than Sam but she does look like a damn supermodel.
The first thing he says to his new roommate?
“I didn’t realise you were gonna be this tall.”
“Well, I could say the same about you,” she replies and fucking serve him, queen.
Sam’s initial thoughts? “Pictured this short, brunette, personal trainer chick and I got like this, leggy blonde thing.”
You should be so lucky, mate. A lot of people would kill to have dinner with a leggy blonge.
Sam thinks Emily could be part of the Australian men’s basketball team and darling, have you never met a woman over 5’9? There’s quite a few of us out there! Even ones that are between your ideal age range of 25-27! I promise!
He asks for a “stiff” vodka lime and soda from the bartender, clearly trying to make her uneasy.
It becomes a ping pong game about height. Is she tall or is he short and so on. You’d think these people had just come out of the womb with their reaction to heights that aren’t their own.
Emily tells producers she goes for more “manly-looking” guys and honey, you’re not off to a great start here either. Maybe this is a match made in heaven (if they can get neck massages often).
Apparently eating on a first date is not Sam’s thing. He can’t fathom that his date would want to line her stomach.
Time for some more people to meet!
Sheree tells Jacinta she’s still discovering her sexuality and has never had a relationship with a woman. Jacinta has had a hard time in the past with women exploring their sexuality as she doesn’t want to be an experiment.
Nemo gives her buzz. They decide they like each other’s voices.
Time for them to put faces to the names.
Nemo has arrived and he is in love. TBF she is pretty amazing.
Nemo did what we all do and used the information he had on hand (her name, which wasn’t even her name, and occupation) to try and google what she looks like. She’s also stoked with how he looks.
Dan AKA Big Roo thinks Nellie sounds like an absolute ripper after their phone call. She’s giggling like a lil’ school girl and it’s decided: Nellie’s chosen Big Roo.
She’s really nervous he won’t like what he sees and I wish this woman could see what I see. She’s got everything.
Oh wow, Big Roo is exactly that.
He also has a very warm energy.
“He’s fucking massive!” Nellie said.
I think she said that she hugged his dick but I can’t be sure.
They’re already making daddy jokes.
Are these two… perfect for each other?
She stands up on the step to give her daddy a hug.
He says there’s no chemistry! What! No!
“It seemed like I was talking to a mate who was a female.”
Sam and Emily realise that heels add height and that they’re both 5″9 so they can, in fact, fall in love.
They do not kiss goodbye as they will reserve that for when she is wearing flats.
Nemo’s feeling pressure as the first guy that Jacinta has been with for a long while and considering women are better at almost everything, I’d be nervous too.
And that’s it for Love Triangle Episode 1! Keep reading for Love Triangle Episode 2.
Love Triangle Episode 2 Recap
Time for three more singles to meet their new roommates!
Alan is a 32-year-old sparky who is self-aware enough to know that he’s not a catch if he’s still single. Joking! He’s definitely a catch except for the minimal buttons he does up.
He’s been matched with Jess and Caity and his opening line is “u up”.
Lucky he has the cutest dog in the fucking world to keep him company because I have never, and will never, write back to a “u up” message — and it looks like these girls might be thinking the same, even if the promise of 700 new Instagram followers awaits them.
Caity has replied because she obviously has self-esteem issues. Joking! She knows this show will help her make a name for herself and this Sparky is the ticket there. Loves it.
OMG obsessed with her response, which is “Really? That’s your first message? Try again mate…”
SHOW him.
If you didn’t believe that Caity was “a country girl through and through” then, please, let her leather armchair and flanno convince you instead.
Jessie is a dot dot dot user (otherwise known as an ellipses) and a winky face girl. Here I was thinking it was only hetero men that used such punctuation. What a joy to see this from the other side.
Jessie is really going hell for leather on the innuendo considering she has not met this man and does not know if she will despise the ground he walks on.
It’s basically soft sexting now.
Next Love Triangle single is Tamera. She thinks that she could be on the cover of Vogue and walking Victoria’s Secret’s runway. She says no one approaches her because she’s so attractive. She is also a content creator.
She’s been matched with a photographer (match made in heaven IMO) and a tennis coach.
She is crafting a novel to send both of them.
She asked them three questions but to explain it with three “deep” reasons why for each answer.
The photographer showcases how deep he can go while the tennis coach does… not.
She’s off it and thinks he is a “typical boy” but fuck me dead, I couldn’t even give you a favourite colour let alone a deep reason for it. But looking at Jackson’s intro, I think he’s probably a baby boy.
Next Love Triangle single is Sulei who has a wonderful mullet and terrible pickup lines.
He is a social worker and seems really kind. He says he has a lot of insecurities about the way he looks and hates the feeling of rejection. He’s been matched with Lili and Lisa.
His opening line?
Lisa has replied with Ed Sheeran, Britney Spears and Ariana Grande and Sulei is off it because people with mullets are too cool to listen to commercial radio.
Lili has replied with Getaway Plan, Tonight Alive and Thornhill.
Lili has pink hair, tattoos and most importantly: a laptop sticker that says “Daddy”.
She’s being flirty and Sulei is sweating up a storm.
It is beyond me that strangers can get this sexy before meeting each other.
He has woken up to 22 messages from Lili, including that she is a “hardcore vegan” and “passionate feminist” and “can’t stand the idea of another fuckboy”.
Lisa has sent just one message like a woman who knows men freak out over more than one message per day.
“Lili’s pushing me closer towards Lisa,” he said.
Dunno what the fuck is going on over at Alan’s place but can you two settle down? At least take her to dinner first.
Holy shit I think these two are going to have phone sex.
OMG the “hiiii” from Jessica on the receiving end is so sexy — I am screaming.
They like each other’s voices. That has sealed the deal for Aaron and he’s ready to meet her. As am I!
OK here she is and why is his facial expression so… flat? Oh dear. He hates her.
She’s cute!
He’s a “little disappointed”. What is wrong with people?
“I’ve dated blondes usually,” he tells her.
She tells him that he’s her type. “I go for dark features, tatts — just that fuckboy look,” she laughs.
Sulei has called Lisa and asked her out for drinks. I like this guy.
OMG they’re so cute and I want them to get married and have kids (if that’s what they want) immediately.
He thinks she’s gorgeous and she thinks the mullet suits him! Yay!
She basically manifests them falling in love within the next four weeks.
“I don’t know if I would say I have high hopes,” Sulei tells producers. “But my hopes are very high.”
Tamera thinks the there’s a lot of “commorities” between her and photographer Sam. “I don’t even know if commonorities is a word,” she said.
Meanwhile, Jackson the tennis coach is giving shit all. So she’s asked Sam for a date instead and basically forced him to buy her flowers.
I feel as though she has high standards and neither are going to do it for her.
There are so many fucking people on Bondi Beach — what a shit place to meet. Now all of a sudden the flowers are making sense.
Oh dear, no flowers. Or height.
“He’s definitely not my type looks-wise.”
She orders coffee which is basically code for “we will be friends and only friends”.
Sam however gets a beer with a tequila shot in it.
Honestly I think he’s pretty hot. I’m sure if she doesn’t want him then someone else in the group will. Let’s manifest that.
She gives the date a 2/10 and good luck over the next six weeks with that attitude, sis.
Alan is trying to convince Jessie that he’s not just about “ploughing through girls”. He tells her he cancer when he was around 15-16 and didn’t go on his first date until he was 21.
He says this is why he gets sensitive when people think he is an fuckboy, because they really have no idea.
They appear to be bonding and we could be on here. “I find myself really drawn to her,” he said and yep, that’s what happens what you give someone a chance, people!
Love Triangle is available only on Stan every Thursday.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram or TikTok for more Love Triangle thoughts, feelings and opinions throughout the season.
