I’m so excited for this Love Triangle recap that I just may do a nervous poo.
Shit: there is one week left of Love Triangle. Double shit: Patty is still here.
Lisa has reunited with her brain cells and thinks Patty’s ultimatum-swinging behaviour is concerning. More importantly, Daddy Dick Fingers looks cute in a beanie, doesn’t he?! I hope Lisa makes him little baby beanies for all his little baby finger dicks.
Daddy Dick Fingers and Patty are lying on lounges in the same room, silent. It’s really uncomfortable. Daddy Dick Fingers is staring at the walls, Patty is assessing the girth of his thumb.
Lisa walks in to summon Pat for a chat. I abbreviated his name for the rhyme alone. Sue me.
Lisa puts her foot down and tells Patty that ultimatums are shit and I couldn’t be more proud. I was worried that a promise of exclusivity would make her too excited to care. Not that I can relate or anything.
They agree to let Daddy Dick Fingers stay in their Love Triangle share house while they repair their relationship, and probably because he wouldn’t be able to find an available room in this cooked rental crisis anyway.
Patty is willing to put the past few days behind them “for the betterment of the morale of the house”. Who gave this bloke a thesaurus?
Patty thinks he is a stone and Daddy Dick Fingers is a “flimsy straw”. It’s the worst and most confusing comparative metaphor I’ve ever heard in my damn life.
Over at Alex and Madison‘s House of Boredom, Alex tells Madison that he knows how she’s been painting Bec (as the devil) to the others.
Madison says that when she caught up with Leashy Leesh they were both frustrated and angry about becoming triangles. I only saw Leashy Leesh nod in fear but go off sis.
Bec has arrived — into the actual house and not just the dining room (does the girl no longer live under this roof? I’m confused) — and brings up what Madison said about her.
“Yeah, we’ve already been through that,” Madison interjects. Meow!
Bec says she didn’t come in all ‘imma-steal-yo-man’.
“You did come in fairly hot in my opinion,” Madison replies. Never have truer, literal words been spoken.
Alex has now jumped in to defend Bec and ooft, if Madison wasn’t pissed off before, I’m sure her boyfriend defending another girl over her will be the flimsy straw that breaks the camel’s back. Madison feels like a punching bag.
Things seem pretty hunky dory in the households, though, with Douchey Daniel joining James and Madi for a pantless coffee while Lisa violently props her leg on the table to apply sunscreen.
Aussie Milf‘s body is just like, so relaxed now. No literally, that’s what she said.
Ben has planned a pretty picnic for Ly but he can’t predict the weather. If history is anything to go by, it’s going to be dry conditions. He wants to get their relationship back to where it was before Danny rocked up, which if my memory serves me correctly, is a low bar.
He has brought a guitar and surely this will be horrible because singing to someone is only cool when there is a crowd. He starts busting a rhyme and I haven’t rolled my eyes yet so I guess it is OK. Ly is pretending to be interested but is saved by the bell dog. It did not spark any romance or feelings in the fanny.
James is hung-daddy which is interesting given he is a tall glass of water who could just consume himself and hydrate. He went out for his 29th birthday drinks with some of the other people from Love Triangle last night. SURELY THIS IS WHERE THE SCANDAL HAPPENS.
Madi decorated the house with balloons and went all out for her king on his birthday so he wants to return the favour. He has set up a candlelit… snack? She says James looks like a porn star on the couch and I’m immediately reconsidering my disinterest in adult films.
Side note: why is there a vase on the couch? Must be a porn thing.
James tells Madi he wants to continue things with her after Love Triangle finishes. She tells the producers she can see herself falling in love with him. V cute. I’m smiling on the inside.
Douchey Daniel is also doing fine.
Douchey Daniel and James have gone out for a coffay and immediately after, a senior producer has come to speak to Madi. She tells Madi that she knows they all went out for James’ birthday, but that James and Yan stayed out after curfew.
The Love Triangle producer asks Madi if she knew that. “I went to bed…” Madi replies. Why is my heart dropping? Fuck fuck fuck.
The producer sighs. “Ok.”
“The reason we know is because they were with two girls.”
Please, no. I expect this from Yan but not James. This is such a Bondi thing to happen.
“We also know that they exchanged numbers with these girls,” she continues. “And we also know that they went back to those girls’ respective houses.”
OH. MY. GOD.
HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO MADI. The one who made it very clear her last seven-year-long relationship ended because the dirty dawg cheated on her? I can’t. I hate this.
“Obviously I don’t know that or I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, would I?” Madi tells the Love Triangle producer.
This is killing me. The vacant look in her face when she finds out she’s been hurt again by someone she trusted again. Do cheaters not understand the deep-seated humiliation they impart on someone when they do this?
The producer tells Madi she would not normally bring this kind of information to her attention, but because it’s a dating show and it impacts her relationship with James, she thinks Madi deserves to know.
My heart is fucking ruined. Watching Madi listen to the producer, but not really processing what she’s saying because she’s processing that she’s been taken for a ride by a nice-presenting player? Heartbreaking.
Madi is tearing up and quite frankly, so am I. If anyone’s been in this same position, they know the exact feeling.
Why why why did he do a half-assed candelit snack and say he wants to have a relationship with her if he’s been off fucking someone else??
“It’s all good,” Madi tells the producer.
“It’s not all good,” she whispers back and I am here for this sisterhood support. Beautiful.
“I’m just exhausted,” Madi cries.
Aren’t we all. Can people please do better? Please.
Before James gets home (it kills me that he’s going to walk through any minute now), Madi asks the producer for all the details of that night.
“I’m not sure. It’s something you’re gonna have to ask James,” she responds.
He’s walked back in and it’s interesting that I no longer want to watch porn that features him.
She sits both Douchey Daniel and James down and tells them the conversation they need to have is a serious one. Daniel, who I have dropped “Douchey” off because he has been out-douched, is invited because he’s “going to find out anyway”.
“I need you to be completely honest,” Madi warns James. I love that he just had a coffee and is now nervous because it’s not a great combination for the anoos.
“So you and Yan snuck out on Saturday night,” she says.
THE WAY HE FUCKING LOOKS DOWN AT HIS HANDS LIKE HE’S BEEN CAUGHT OUT I CANNOT.
“Mmm,” he replies.
“You stupidly were talking to girls about being on a dating show and you got their numbers and you went back to their houses.”
Poor Daniel.
“Didn’t go back to their houses, but we did meet a couple of girls,” James tries to clarify.
She asks James to ploise explain.
“We did meet two… British girls.”
Not sure why their nationality is relevant, but anyway.
“The producers know that you went back to their houses,” Madi reminds him. Serve him sis.
“I didn’t go back to anyone’s house,” he says. “I went back to… my brother’s.”
Didn’t love the pause but OK James, I’m listening. Restore what little faith I have left.
He says Yan told him about the messaging. This is not glate. Is he going to play the “I was so fuck-eyed I can’t remember” card?
Madi wants to see the messages from our Brit girl. He goes to grab his phone, so surely there is shit all in the thread and he’s going to clear his previously untainted name.
He hands it to her and says, “That’s the start.”
THE START? Hell. How long is the thread? I thought Eastern Suburbs dudes just left people on read. I mean he’s technically Melbourne but he reeks of Bondi.
“You’re joking me,” she says, as she scrolls. And scrolls. And scrolls.
“Is it bad???” Asks Daniel.
“It’s literally like, ‘I definitely do not regret it. I had fun, it was lovely to meet you,” Madi reads.
Regret WHAT?
“Woah woah woah, if I was you I would not have given me your phone,” she continues.
Oh GOD, what is it?
“You just said, ‘Obviously we probably won’t be dating on the outside [of] this experience. Saturday is a good example of that.”
I don’t know how James has managed to do it without wearing a fedora, but I genuinely can’t look at him right now.
Now Madi’s reading messages about him not being able to leave her to go hang out with the unnamed Brit because it would ruin the show.
He’s really coming across as someone who desperately wanted the nice guy edit for Love Triangle and played the part perfectly. There’s a cute word to describe someone who does things like this. Rhymes with Hunt.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Madi asks, and I too would like to know this, James. We were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!
Daniel is obviously extremely uncomfortable and gives them their space. “Come ‘ere, give me a hug.”
“Don’t bullshit me saying you do want to be with me on the outside when you’re messaging a random person saying that you don’t,” Madi blasts him, justifiably.
He is literally just hanging his head in shame, likely because he knows he has just become the most hated man in Bondi. And there’s some stiff competition at Ravises alone.
James. Say something you coward.
Why does every guy who ever gets caught cheating say this? Not glate, Jameslivia. Not glate at all.
He walks outside for some air?
And now it’s the Triangle Party. Fucking hell. The couples have noticed that Madi’s place card for dinner isn’t near James’.
“I’m really hurt by James because I’ve been cheated on in the past,” she tells production while getting ready.
“My biggest insecurities coming into this was being blindsided by somebody I trusted. And that is exactly what James has done. And him knowing my past as well and going out and doing this, it’s unforgivable to me.”
My heart is breaking. Somebody mend it. But also don’t because I trust no one. NO ONE.
Madi wants answers. From Yan. I’m not confident she’ll get ’em from that sausage.
She walks in with Daniel and obviously everyone is confused. She sits down and I can see her holding back the tears and I am fucking dying inside for her. Anyone who has been here knows what a horrible feeling this is. To have to sit there and pretend like everything’s fine when it’s absolutely not.
She tells the table what the Love Triangle producer told her about the night of James’ birthday.
“And then I read the messages today and they were pretty fucked up.”
I wish I had a ball to put in Madison’s mouth. She reminds me of a turning clown head at a carnival.
Madi confirms that this all happened TODAY and that she hasn’t seen James since he walked out.
Elena makes a valid point by saying it’s not just a mistake, but a constant couple of days “of an affair, I’d say”.
So fucking true. He can’t blame this on a drunken mishap. Or that him and Madi weren’t exclusive yet. HE TOLD THIS GIRL HE WON’T BE WITH MADI AFTER THIS SHOW BUT TOLD MADI HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER AFTER THIS SHOW.
“This is why us females have trust issues, you’ve just proved it.”
Patty is wondering if James will “have the balls” to show up. “I’m not surprised at all by James’ actions. He’s the tallest guy here!” says Patty.
Interesting. What does height have to do with it?
“Which means he’s more full of crap than anyone at this table!”
Well not after that coffay and interrogation, but cute creepy uncle joke nonetheless.
Patty’s out with his threats again and says he’s going to ruin Yan’s life. I will not interfere.
Yan walks in with his two semi-girlfriends and Madi tells him she wants to chat. He immediately shits bricks.
Yan just says that he and James went their separate ways and he knows nothing about what happened after that.
Meanwhile, back at the table, the group is filling in Aussie Milf and Erika on James’ birthday night.
Yan is busy talking to producers.
When asked if he’s waiting for James so that he can corroborate their stories he says: “No, it just so that I don’t have to throw him under the bus if I don’t have to.”
Thanks for clarifying that, Yan. He guilty as fark.
Yan claims he did not exchange a number with anyone. “No because that wasn’t the intention of the night. The intention was to go out and enjoy the night for James’ birthday.”
Sounds like you got the job done, hey boiz?
Aussie Milf is rightfully interrogating Yan about the night in question. He plays innocent.
Lisa tells the her fellow Love Triangle folks that Patty said he’d be exclusive with her if she told Daddy Dick Fingers to leave. Daddy Dick Fingers says it’s blackmail and Leashy Leesh wholeheartedly agrees.
“She deserves the best,” says Daddy Dick Fingers. To the whole table. I love this. KING behaviour. “Who’s going to give her the life that she deserves?”
YOU. YOU. YOUUUU. Please you.
Daniel has found someone who will call him “darling” back. Her name is Elena and they are now sitting with each other and furiously flirting.
Patty is pissed off that Yan is “getting away” with whatever it is he’s getting away with.
He starts questioning him.
Yan is dodging all the questions that come at him like he definitely went to law school. Or has been caught cheating before. Either or.
James has the audacity to show his face.
Oh he’s being all “Yeah I’m alright” because he is so the victim here.
Yan tries to pull him away. “I just want to go and check on Madi, I’ll be one sec.”
Oh no you fucking didn’t.
He asks to talk. She says, “Yep.”
I hope he has been rehearsing this speech all day. Not that it will matter. She ended it with a guy of seven years for doing this, you’ve done it within a couple of weeks. Is it really that hard to keep your dick in your pants for a six week Love Triangle experiment? I hate that this is a rhetorical question.
“I know I left in a bit of a hurry today,” he says after taking a deep breath. Uhhh, ya reckon?
He says he was “quite confronted” and didn’t know “how to process” everything that was going on.
“The only reason I’m here tonight is to come and speak to you.”
“I just want to let you know, my actions were very fucking poor. And I genuinely am sorry.”
“Seeing you today, hurt, hurt me.”
Nawww, u k hun? Eat a dick.
“And I would never wanna put anyone through that again.”
Is… this a thinly veiled way of him telling her he’s not even going to try and get her back?
“I guess what I want to know from you, is there anything you want to ask me?”
She’s smiling, but in a pissed off way, shaking her head in disbelief.
“If you didn’t want to be with me, just say it!”
“Obviously something did happen that night. And I don’t care, there’s nothing that can save this, so you might as well just tell me.”
He has conveniently lost his words again.
“Come on! Just give me the fucking truth! We’re done now, it’s fine.”
“We did kiss,” he responds. “And I’m aware that that’s not acceptable by any means.”
“You went back to her house. It’s a known thing!” Madi reminds him.
His confused lying face is so transparent.
“I stayed with my brother and Greg.”
“I know that it sounds fucking bogus because I’m aware —”
Madi is not loving this. “What do you mean?! But why would she want you that badly if you only hooked up with her?!”
Interesting. I am taking this as a sign James is good in bed. Which also just makes me sad that his presumed inclination for doggy could not be matched with common decency.
James doesn’t know. He doesn’t know much, does he? I love watching liars trying to scramble their way out of shit.
“She said to me that she’s never been attracted to someone so much on the first time seeing them.”
“Oh my gooooodd. Are you FUCKING kidding me? You’re not god’s gift.”
BAHAHAHAH. Tell him, sis. Although it pains me to say if I saw him out in the wild, I would think he was.
“You’re wearing the skivvy I gave you for your birthday, have you got no shame?”
Fuck I love her.
“You have absolutely killed me inside. It’s not a TV show to me. I can’t,” Madi tells him as she walks off.
He has decided to sit down at the table which is just another lie, isn’t it. Thought you only came to speak to her? That’s done. Now kindly fuck off.
Aussie Milf is asking James if there are any other girls he’s been speaking to / potentially fucking while on Love Triangle. He said no but christ, who knows, really. I’m so disappointed, thought he was a real one. Aussie Milf asks if Yan knew about the girl James was with on the weekend.
“He was with me,” James confirms.
“We both kissed these two girls, myself and Yan.”
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
Aussie Milf screams. “You’re such a fucking liar!!!”
“In that moment I lied, because James hadn’t got here yet,” Yan tried to defend himself. Poorly, I might add.
Erika has thoughts. “So Yan, let me ask you a question, you would have not said anything to either one of us if this situation didn’t happen?”
Erika, I appreciate your sass, but please don’t act like you’re affected by Yan hooking up with someone else. One would think this made you happy. One less puzzle to do with him.
Yan shifts the blame, a predictable move from a lying man. “Look at Madi, she’s obviously uncomfortable. You guys don’t give a shit about how she feels.”
Big no, Yan. Don’t try and act like you care about how Madi feels. If you did, you wouldn’t have covered James’ ass a whole of five minutes ago. Erika agrees and Aussie Milf’s face is the only good thing I need to happen in my life this week.
Patty is having the time of his life.
Same.
Wow, that was a lot.
Next week is our final episode of Love Triangle. Will we find out if James did in fact get his god-given dick wet? Time will tell.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.
