It’s Love Triangle recap time and I am chomping at the bit to meet more rejectees who will hopefully shake some shit up.
Leesh, however, is not so excited. She’s not wooing over the idea of Kyle meeting his rejectee. She’s crying while looking through a… scrapbook?
What sweet hell is this? At the last dinner Yan made a point of saying they had only known each other for nine days when the rejectees swooped in and texted? If I had a scrapbook for every relationship I’d been in for nine days, I’d need a bigger book shelf.
Leesh is trusting the process which has literally never been trialled before. Good on her. But now they’re saying it’s been three weeks since they met? Fuck knows. That scrapbook is probably full, then.
Over to Yan, he thinks his fro will fall off his head if he goes on another date with a girl that’s not into him.
Our resident boring couple have started to crack. Madison is scared Alex will hurt her with his non-foot model Bec even after she did her whole IDGAF speech at dinner. Classic self-protection — I see and feel you sis.
The good news is, Madison at least knows Bec is a model so can prepare accordingly. Alex is returning from his date with the non-foot model.
He isn’t too enthusiastic for someone who just met a walking, talking Best & Less billboard who likes food and flamingos. Do I smell an act?
Madison is interested in how Bec looks because she cannot play the usual internalised competition game and go onto Bec’s Instagram feed and public Story Highlights to compare. She asks Alex if he was attracted to Bec and excuse me while I try and think of a non-foot model who isn’t attractive.
Alex says he was “not really” attracted to Bec and fuck off, sunshine. She is objectively hot and I can’t wait for you to watch the tapes back. You got a mental semi and I won’t be told otherwise.
He’s overplaying it now and saying talking to Bec was like chatting with “one of the boiz”. Bull-bloody-shit. This is why I do not trust nice-presenting, hot people. Or just people.
Now he’s saying there were moments with Bec where it was like “pulling teeth” and it would be better if he didn’t see her again. Why? Because you actually have a secret career aspiration to be a dentist and Bec actually got you going in a very real way?
Madison is calling BS and tells Alex she reckons there was a connection. ILY for being smart, Madison. You show him that intellectual stimulation!
But now they’re having the classic trust debate that only ever surfaces when someone is doing the dirty and wants to shift blame. You know, like when someone gets caught out cheating and gaslights the person accusing them by saying they should trust them.
Poor Alex has been out of the dating game so long that he doesn’t know the basic shit us unmarried people see right through.
They are fighting and it’s excellent to not be batshit bored by these two any longer.
Over to Madi and James who I am crowning as my favourite couple, not because I have an affinity for absurdly tall men but because Madi has proven she is the smartest person on this show. And for that she has been rewarded with a glate gentleman.
James gets down on his knees to give Madi a kiss on her way out to meet master-douche Daniel. Or bends so far down that he will use this upcoming alone time to see a chiro.
We’re reminded of what a turd Daniel was to Madi as she prepares to meet him. Imagine going on a date with someone you know you already hate. It’s just not something you usually know going in. And usually ends horribly. Or in really good sex.
But he has tattooed ankles and tight, cuffed jeans with knee-rips in them so I think it will just end horribly.
He is not what I expected. I was expecting at least another eighth of bro.
He has a big moustache and glasses and talks too much.
Daniel thinks Madi has good teeth. I am trying to locate something good that he has.
Madi asks Daniel if he wants to go on the date, which is ground that has already been covered but sure.
He says, “Fuck yeah” and all I can think is fuck no.
He proceeds to call her darling. Not good.
Interestingly, Madi thinks Douchey Daniel is warmer in person. Perhaps because she doesn’t strain her neck talking to him.
This guy can knock back a drink, can’t he? I hope the consumption doesn’t make him talk even more than he’s already doing.
We’ve all been on a date with this guy. The one who takes 80% floor time and doesn’t ask one question about you or your life because he’s too busy stroking his already-fragile ego.
He keeps calling her “babe” and it feels condescending as all hell.
What hurts me the most is guys like this can actually be successful in their one-night-stand endeavours. If they weren’t, they’d change tact. Don’t pretend you haven’t succumbed at least once.
I imagine this is why he has assumed Madi is into him.
Ly’s turn.
Danny walks in and says “I knew it” — turns out they actually used to work together but haven’t seen each other in around five years. How do producers figure this shit out? Like that’s a loose connection and one that wouldn’t come up in an application form, surely.
Ly thinks this is fate. I assume she wouldn’t have said the same thing if Ben looked like Chris Hemsworth, but sure.
“It’s just funny how life works,” she says. At least the producers are laughing.
Ly thinks she is clicking with Danny more than when she first met Ben. LY, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE MET DANNY.
Back to Douche Daniel, he reckons James’ name is boring.
Can someone remind this bloke that his name is Daniel? No shade, nice name, but it’s not unique enough for you to make a dig at a harmless name like James?
Madi serves him for taking a dig at James, reminding Douche Daniel that he is indeed an adult who doesn’t need to bring someone else down to make himself feel bigger. I can’t wait for Douche Daniel to see James IRL and realise he will never feel bigger than him.
Fuck, I love Madi. She is so sound. If James was my partner, I too would protect all six feet and seven inches of him at all costs.
“Daniel’s not for me,” Madi confirms. Too right sis.
They have an awkward goodbye and Madi confirms her door (and legs) are closed when it comes to Douche Daniel. She’s never been more excited to get back to her man-bunned stallion.
Ly returns to “Benny” who is making her spaghetti because he is an orange-haired angel with soul.
She tells Ben that Danny is someone she knows. Ben thinks she has “a look in her eyes”. For Danny and not for him.
Ly goes to fist bump Ben and he pushes his glass into her hand. I hate fist bumps and appreciate Ben for only partially partaking.
Over at Yan and Erika’s pad, Yan is reminding us that girls “throw themselves” at him. Because we are water bombs, apparently.
Erika couldn’t give two shits about Yan’s upcoming date and reminds him that there is no spark between him and her. The savagery — I live.
Belinda has arrived to hurl herself at Yan. I guess she looks like someone who wants to go to Disneyland would?
Belinda is attracted to him which is a good start. Is she drunk?
Not because she is attracted to him but because she is giggling a lot.
She thinks Yan’s ‘fro is “cool” and proceeds to ask if he does OnlyFans modelling.
I can’t tell if she’s off her head via beverage or just general existence.
Yan is vibing though, but makes it clear that he would’ve had a spark with “a tree” after his time with Erika. The bar is so low.
Belinda tells Yan she wants to get a magic wand tattoo near her vagina.
Yan is surprised to hear this from a woman whose dream is to go to Disneyland and whose idea of a good conversation is town planning. “IN your vagina?” he confirms.
I don’t know if that is physically possible — cannot confirm nor do I want to — but to be fair, the woman does mumble.
He said because she’s from Canberra that he pigeonholed her. Hehe. He said it, not me. Do people from the ACT not have Disney fetishes? Someone please let me know.
Yan tells Belinda he is feeling good because there is “flirtatious banter”. These are two words I never want to hear on a date. Or two years into a relationship. Or ever.
She says she doesn’t like kids but… she likes hers. That’s one way to reveal you’re a mum, I guess? She is also divorced.
She said she didn’t tell him earlier because she didn’t want to sound “like a fucking 40-year-old lady”.
Yan is a bit off it because he doesn’t want to “inherit someone’s family”. Can someone tell him that after 25, you really don’t have much choice in the matter?
Oh wow, she said her Instagram handle is “Aussie Milf”. Do not search this. I just did and really wish I hadn’t.
They end the date with a kiss which means shit all because him and Erika did the same thing. It’s almost an indication that this too will be a dumpster fire.
Kyle is about to go on his date with rejectee Elena and keeps banging on about how hot he thinks she will be. Confirmed: she is hot.
Kyle clearly does not know how to talk to hot women because has forgotten basic speaking skills while trying to talk to Elena.
He’s back on his 5/10 bullshit and asks if she would swipe left or right on him.
She says she loves what he’s wearing and… he’s easy on the eyes. Did he just fish for a compliment?
Kyle comes home to tell Leesh that Elena is amazing but she’s not Leesh. Cute but I am not surprised.
Yan’s back from his date as well and Erika asks how his date was even though she is not even mildly interested. There is literally nothing else to report on there.
Lisa’s turn! I really hope she likes her new match and realises what she’s been missing.
She gives Patty the talk about monogamy but has a really interesting time trying to pronounce it.
“Do you want a managymass relationship,” she asks him.
He’s doing a tremendous job at not laughing.
“I do want a monogamous relationship,” he replies, smiling — likely laughing at her on the inside.
She’s ready to meet Matt and says if he is blonde with blue eyes she will be weak at the knees. This is perhaps the most PG thing she has ever said in relation to shlong.
Matt is cute. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. I think.
Hot but not in a threatening way. We love a spanner!
He is her type but also perhaps everyone’s type.
Back at home, Patty threatens to leave Lisa if she kisses the beautiful, hot man. He has packed his bags in preparation which is rich coming from a man who isn’t ready to be exclusive.
Meanwhile, Lisa and Matt bond over 1967 and dick fingers. They decide to name him Daddy Dick Fingers and all I can think about is that SATC episode where Samantha says a dick can’t do what Maria’s fingers can.
Daddy Dick Fingers to the rescue, I guess.
Anyway, a nickname is born. These people truly make my job so easy.
Matt tells Lisa he would not freak out if Lisa called him daddy in the bedroom.
She tells him that if a man doesn’t like a freak in the sheets they can get fucked. God she’s good.
Lisa’s smile is telling me she is horny for his dick fingers.
She’s arriving home but pushes open the door into the suitcase and Culture Kings box Patty has packed.
Patty asks if she kissed Matt.
She says no. Because “there is only one Patrick and I’ve fallen in love with him.”
Fuck. I need a moment. This is not what I was expecting.
No! Daddy dick fingers! Surely you’re at least curious!
Patty leans over and kisses her and I too kiss someone if they told me they loved me but I didn’t want to say it back. Sorry.
What am I meant to learn from this? Exchange horny messages with a man who slays dragons and you shall fall in love? I mean it kind of worked for Princess Fiona so maybe Lisa’s onto something here. But Shrek also had dick fingers. So I’m conflicted.
11 hours later and Daddy Dick Fingers is at the door.
Holy shit all the rejectees are MOVING IN with the couples.
I am so excited for next week’s episode of Love Triangle. What a mess.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.
