The final Love Triangle recap is here. Didn’t this show just begin? Anyway, I’m prepared to be not angry, just disappointed with what these people decide to do. I also hope James ‘fesses up to getting his god-given dick wet but I’m not holding my breath.
Before I watch this shitshow, here are my predictions:
- Madi will leave alone because she has respect for herself
- Yan will leave alone to proactively avoid rejection
- Kyle will choose Leesh, duh
- Alex will choose no one even though he really wants to hook up with Bec, but can’t because it’ll ruin his nice-guy image
- Ly will want to “see where things go!!!” with Danny
- Lisa will listen to her vagina and take the risk with Patty
- I will smash my TV screen
Let’s see how wrong or right I am.
We are being served with a sad montage of the once-happy moments between James and Madi. Before we learned he was a lying scumbag. And this is because James has not returned home after he was torn a new one at the Triangle party the night before.
She feels like an idiot. Let’s be clear here: he is the idiot. Madi is a certified fox.
Daniel is still living in the house and is keen to know how Madi is feeling. They are bonding which is unusual given their first phone conversation consisted of “fucks” and “yeahs”.
She tells her new BFF Daniel that James admitted to kissing the girl, but it’s the messages that are doing her head in. SAME. It’s the two faces for me.
Madi wants to speak to James. She’s all head-fucked because she still cares for James, which is an unfortunate side effect when your partner blindsides you.
They’re now reminiscing on Aussie Milf‘s menty B which was the most iconic moment of this entire season. She has confirmed that she’s off Yan after his true colours came out at the Triangle party.
Erika, however, is smug as shit. “I saw it from the start,” she said.
She walks down the stairs with Aussie Milf and asks Yan if he has anything to say for himself. He gives some speech with “obviously” thrown in several times for good condescending measure.
“None of us were exclusive. I don’t think I did anything wrong in that sense,” he tries to justify himself.
Aussie Milf’s face is every woman who has been told “but we weren’t exclusive” after a guy treats them like their girlfriend when it’s convenient for him.
Erika reminds Yan of all the times he lied about the events of James’ birthday bash. He keeps saying that he didn’t want to “do it in front of everyone” even though James wound up doing it in front of all of Australia.
Yan tells Aussie Milf to “get over it” and honey, get over your damn self.
The girls take their matching suitcases on their merry way, but not before Aussie Milf tells Yan that he doesn’t get to choose either of them.
“I wasn’t going to so that’s fine.”
10 points to Yan for wearing this Country Road jumper and not one of the copycat ones, though. IYKYK.
Yan tells the Love Triangle producers that he really wanted to meet someone on this show who he connected with. They ask if he had his time again what he would do differently. He says BE MATCHED WITH SOMEONE ELSE as if that would’ve awarded him a different result.
“I feel like I can walk away from this experience knowing that I tried my best.”
That was your best? Thoughts and prayers for your past, present and future girlfriends.
So the singles get to choose how they let their matches know about their decision. Damn it. I feel like there are going to be some copouts just like, you know, the real world.
Over at the Leashy Leesh, Kyle and Elena Love Triangle, Elena has cut her losses and knows that Kyle isn’t keen. Even though she probably never was either. “I’m ready to get out of this threesome that I was never invited to.”
She’s being friendly and asking Kyle where he’s at with Leashy Leesh. OK I literally cannot make this shit up and now feel like an asshole, but no word of a lie, Leashy Leesh is wearing the Ghanda version of the Country Road jumper. Likely from Erina Fair.
Kyle tells Leashy Leesh he wants to see how he feels over the next couple of days and if he misses her or not. Leashy Leesh is packed and I’m not sure why she was robbed of the bougie white suitcases Erika and Aussie Milf’s were obviously #gifted.
Ben is leaving Ly and if I didn’t know any better, I’d think they did the wild thing last night with that strong lean he is doing. It’s absolutely a hot power move when you’re actually attracted to the person.
Danny is being very unenthusiastic and telling Ly to follow her heart etc. I feel like he couldn’t care less tbh.
This Madison, Bec and Alex dynamic has to be the one that I could actually see being a legitimate throuple. Look at this fucking scene:
Alex looks dead inside.
Madison says she has been “like prepping for this day for like the last few days” and “kind of felt it coming that I was leaving today”. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to that. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
They say goodbye and there is not much left to report there because they are boring.
Now he’s in Bec’s room and why do I feel like they’re so much closer than he and Madison were out on the porch?
There’s also a lot more smiling.
He wishes he had more one-on-one time with her and has thought about what a future with her will look like.
Bec is crying tears of gratitude. They are the type of couple I’d see on the Bondi to Bronte and hate immediately for having too much hot in one relationship.
Alex is now girlfriendless for a few days so can have longer showers and not be questioned for it.
Lol dead at the narrator saying that when Daddy Dick Fingers arrived, Lisa was “presented with an attractive alternative”. Also lol at his guitar case decorations.
Is this scene not the cutest thing you’ve seen throughout all of Love Triangle? If she doesn’t choose this dick-fingered angel I will be so off it.
She tells him that she feels like there will be people screaming at her to be with him and yes hello I am one of them. He is gone and she is crying and I’m confused, did she end it with him? Please no. Big mistake. HUGE.
She’s not with Patty and talking about the “memories” they made on the couch. I hope the production company isn’t expecting their bond back.
She says Patty is the best sex she’s ever had and that his penis fits her vagina like a glove. Like Cinderella’s shoe to the foot?
I will never look at a shoe the same again. OK, two thoughts:
- How can you know that if you didn’t have sex with Daddy Dick Fingers?
- Good sex is hate sex
OK good she’s taking some time to think about it. Patty gets up off the cum-stained cushions to leave her. Something he only ever threatened to do before today.
Lisa’s struggling to describe her relationship with Patty. I’ll help: problematic.
“I feel like I’m seen by someone. But that doesn’t mean that he is the right choice for me long-term, because I can see all the red flags as well.”
Well done, Lisa. Now go and collect your dick-fingered king.
Daniel and Madi are bidding each other farewell. Why am I now so obsessed with Madi and Daniel’s friendship? I feel bad for ever calling him a douche.
She’s gone to immediately message James and shit, take a breath first honey. I’d be practising this in my notes app for at least three days prior.
Here’s the message:
Savage. Not “hey”, we love.
“Firstly, you need to think and reflect on what you have done.”
Which is get your god-given dick wet.
“Your actions and words hurt me more than you will ever know.”
Because they all booshit.
“James, I let my guard down and you have completely broken my trust.”
And my faith in men over six foot.
“However, I do want to speak to you.”
Because the producers are forcing me.
“I need to know what’s real, what’s fake and I hope you can give me the answers I deserve.”
“Speak then xx Madi”
I’ve literally never signed off a message with my name but I guess when James’ phonebook is a stampede of conquests, one must do what they have to.
I love the way she says “send” like it’s an episode of The Circle.
Alright they’re meeting on a waterfront and I’m dying to see how they greet each other. A back pat? A wave? A nod?
“How you doing?” he asks, as if he doesn’t know that she’s doing horribly after the number he did on her.
I’m just happy he’s learned another greeting that isn’t “g’day g’day”.
“My turn to stand at the end of the pier, huh?” he laughs.
He is the only one laughing.
She wants answers and tells him to take it away.
“I need you to really know that my feelings and my care for you were real,” James claims.
WERE THEY?? Is this how you show someone you care? Good thing he’s not a nurse.
“And I’m so sorry. Obviously with my actions it’s very easy to think that that wasn’t real.”
“I think deep down I guess I had doubts,” he confirms.
So… don’t tell her that you think you’d be great together, then?
“So when did you decide that you didn’t want to be with me? Because on the way home that night before you snuck out, you were telling me how much you liked me,” she replies.
“I think in that moment, that is when I came to that realisation,” he tells her.
“So you’re saying, it was real, but then you go out and do that and then you realise in your head, ‘Oh maybe it’s not?’”
She thinks it’s “more of a bullshit excuse” and that it’s not adding up. It isn’t. If he realised he didn’t want to be with her, why did he tell her the opposite after the fact? She brings this up.
“All I’m saying is, obviously I don’t care about you enough, or I wouldn’t have done that.”
OH. MY. GOD. Like it’s true but fuck me, that is savage.
She laughs it off like a queen and tells him she still doesn’t feel like she’s getting what she needs from him.
“What… what do you need?” He is so confused. I wonder what his ATAR score was.
“Did you go back to her house?” Madi asks.
“Yes,” he replies and I PHYSICALLY CANNOT. Where’s an Aussie Milf when you need to scream YOU FUCKING LIARRRRRRR!!!!
“Did something else happen?” she asks.
“No,” he replies.
Oh. I thought for sure that meant he got the god-given dick wet.
“So then why’d you go back to the house? I can handle it. Just literally tell me.”
Now he’s getting defensive. Saying he just told her.
She walks away, presumably because talking to a man’s nipples would be weird after a certain amount of time.
That’s it for Madi? Is that the last interaction we see between them? Fuck! Have they had to go to media commitments together? Have they been forced to post photos of them together to Instagram? Or did they makeup? I need a reunion.
Kyle is contemplating long-distance with Leashy Leesh and says she can be “a bit full-on”. How I dream of my future husband describing me!
They want to continue their relationship and literally no one is surprised. Can’t wait to see them both at The Beery sipping on their vodka lime sodas.
Ly is meeting with Danny and does this mean no Ben? There needs to be commitment ceremonies because I keep getting confused.
He tells her he finds the way she eats a quarter of her food cute. And also likes the way she burps, I guess?
“I really want to try, Ly.”
“You were definitely a surprise,” she tells him.
“You always showed this caring side to me,” she says before breaking down. “Our bond’s no doubt is very strong…”
“The thing is, I don’t know if it’s strong enough”
She says sorry and they hug outside Footlocker. Then he leaves her crying in the middle of Pitt Street Mall and has the audacity to walk straight past Aesop without going in.
Alex is checking out a fireworks spot for NYE while thinking about Madison’s jealousy issues. He’s not confident he’s making the right decision so I hope whoever he chooses isn’t watching this back.
Here’s Madison. They hug each other hello but I feel like she kept angling for a kiss greeting and didn’t get it. Now she was to wonder for the rest of the speech if he’ll choose her. He sounds so deflated.
He airs his concerns about the jealousy.
“Yep,” she replies. “I guess I had a few concerns as well.” Meow!
“There was a time where I felt really alone and I was just trying to explain to you how I felt, and I felt wrong for feeling how I felt.”
“At the time it was really hard for me and I didn’t feel understood at all. But I think we navigated through that the best that we could.”
He says the connection is strong blah blah blah. “I would love more than anything to continue to be with you and be in this relationship with you outside of this experience, if you’re willing to do that with me.”
She says “of course” and they kiss. He thanks her for being her and she thanks him for being him. He tells Madison she looks pretty and she says he looks pretty. Why do I feel like their entire relationship is just them repeating what they say back to each other?
I’d say I’m so bored I could die if I hadn’t watched Sex & The City and feared falling out of a window immediately afterwards.
Lisa is the last one and there’s a reason they’ve put this at the end, I can feel it.
Daddy Dick Fingers walks up first and I hope this isn’t like the Bachie where the person they reject is first up to the chopping block.
“I feel like you’re the underdog that everyone is rooting for,” she tells him.”You’ve stuck by my side throughout this experience and that opened up my eyes.”
“When the going gets tough, you’ll be there no matter what.”
Unlike Patty who will pack his bags. Continue.
“It opened my eyes up to realising that maybe I was blinded a lot of the time by Pat.”
I am obsessed with the direction this is going in.
“Obviously I want to leave here with someone where I can form a future with them — children and marriage.”
He chimes in to tell her that they have similar values, beliefs and what they want in life.
“Absolutely. Um. But,” she replies.
Surely fucking not.
“Everything you were saying to me is what I wanted to hear, and I don’t know if that was enough.”
Deep breaths, everyone. I am so off it.
“I don’t just want someone, I want the one.”
Heavens. And we think Patty is that? OK. Sure. He will leave you the minute he feels threatened, which he will because you have options, but go off sis.
“I understand. And I hope you find everything with that person.”
Daddy Dick Fingers’ DMs are open ladies, go at it.
In walks Patty wearing his best Miami-bitch outfit and I already feel sick about the exchange that’s about to go down.
He can’t even look at her while she expresses her feelings so we’re off to a phenomenal start.
“What’s the question?” he asks her. Gross. Gross gross gross. What a fun life filled with digs to look forward to.
She asks him if he’d be willing to meet her timeline with getting married and having kids. She doesn’t want to waste her time and as someone who’s no longer a spring chicken, I fully relate.
He tells her she’s as beautiful as the first day he met her.
“One thing about me, and you probably know this, I like to do things on my terms,” he laughs.
Oh, WE KNOW.
“Three weeks ago you looked me in the eyes, you held my hand, and you said I love you,” he tells her.
Here we fucking go. He’s absolutely going to say it back and it’s the biggest main character energy I’ve ever seen.
“Well here I am, looking you in the eyes, right in front of you, saying I love you too.”
Sounded rehearsed and I’m not buying it even though she is absolutely loveable.
He says he promises to be there for her (doubtful) and is “open to having kids”. I still feel like he dodged that question?
Lisa is happy someone loves her and thinks everyone should do this experience.
If it means I’ll end up with a clown like him, I’ll pass.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.