The time has come for our love triangles to officially form and fester under one roof. I would’ve loved to have been in the brainstorm for this series. Did they just go around the room and discuss everyone’s worst nightmare and then decide to make a show about it?
Anyway. Lisa feels weird that she’s in love with Patty when he won’t be what she calls “man-agy-mass” with her. I feel weird that she’s in love with him, period. Madison and Alex are doing a puzzle which feels like a very suitably boring activity for them to do.
Bec arrives looking all hot-like.
I feel like the couples should be more surprised than they are to have someone moving in? Madison might not be surprised but my God, the girl is pissed off: “There’s no way I’m going to put up with throuple bullshit. No way.” She was so sweet when we first met her. It really didn’t last long.
Can someone tell Madison that she’s not expected to be attracted to Bec? I mean it’ll likely happen because the woman is a sweet goddess, but no one is asking her to be in a three-way relationship.
Madison trusts Alex but not Bec. Excuse me while I clench what’s left of the sisterhood.
Madison tells Bec that her and Alex are good so her being there is “not an issue”. Bec thinks Madison is “putting on a front” which is 100% what she is doing.
Our Aussie Milf Belinda has walked in and Erika is unbothered about it, as she is with most things in this Love Triangle experiment and likely life. Erika says she is chill about the whole thing because she was “chosen” first, but really she is chill because the thought of Yan being with someone else is relieving.
Douchey Daniel has arrived at Madi and James‘ place and this will for-sure be a dumpster fire. Imagine living with that bloke. A man who says “fuck” and “yeah” as if they are conjunctions such as “and” or “the”.
Madi isn’t about it and says “What the actual fuck” to sum up what she’s about to go through perfectly. She is uncomfortable. James is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable.
Douchey Daniel and his scarf are hoping James will “fuck it up”. Unlikely.
Twos are becomings threes elsewhere around Sydney and:
Leesh and Kyle welcome Elena into their Love Triangle house in the most unwelcoming fashion. Leesh thinks “a relationship is for two people, not three” and as the third wheel to many couples, I resent that.
Ly is excited to get to know Danny more, because apparently being colleagues with him wasn’t enough of an opportunity. I’m sorry, but if you don’t have the hots for someone when you worked with them, will you ever?
Patty has slammed the door in Daddy Dick Fingers‘ (DDF) face. Lisa is over the moon. 12 dicks!
Patty has whipped out an extra layer of dragon-slayer sass and says he will accept the presence of all 10 of this guy’s dick fingers, but decides they don’t have to get along. Daddy Dick Fingers is lovely and says he likes to get along with people (green flag, Lisa, take notes).
Patty and Daddy Dick Fingers are now doing push up competitions which is normal behaviour. I am worried for the hand dicks.
It’s turning Lisa on.
Patty thinks Daddy Dick Fingers has infiltrated his and Lisa’s “kingdom”. Every time I try to like Patty, which is already difficult to do, he whips out some fantasy bullshit.
Yan and Aussie Milf want to go on a date, so Erika joins them. Erika calls Aussie Milf “second-choice” — to her fucking face, no less — before asking her if she wants to pursue Yan. Aussie Milf points out the obvious, reminding Erika that she wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t.
Aussie Milf says she doesn’t have a type — as long as they make her laugh and don’t love themselves too much.
Erika doesn’t even try to be polite and violently fake coughs.
Yan thinks he loves himself a “healthy amount”. In 2022, he could very well be right.
Erika is going for the low blows now and says that Yan doesn’t want to “inherit” a family because he wants his own. “I never really said that,” Yan interrupts, even though he absolutely said that.
Elena thinks that Leesh has Kyle on a leash and I’m just mad I didn’t think of that first. Leashy Leesh. Love it. Thanks Elena. Leashy Leesh and Madison are having a vent. Which is basically Madison just venting. She’s pissed off about all the cups Bec leaves around the house.
Meanwhile, Alex and Bec are having a romantic chippies date on the beach. He reminds her that she’s one of da boiz because she’s similar to his mates. Bec is saying only nice things about Madison because she is an adult.
Daddy Dick Fingers has taken Lisa on a date because that’s what she deserves. But unfortunately she returns home to what she doesn’t deserve, AKA a pouting Patty on the couch.
Daddy Dick Fingers tells Patty that together, they could make a perfect sandwich for Lisa.
Patty thinks Lisa is loving having Matt here.
Um, look at the guy, Who wouldn’t?
Daddy Dick Fingers is playing relationship counsellor now, which is odd. He’s teaching Patty basic relationship tips so that Lisa can get what she wants out of this experiment.
Patrick says he doesn’t sway from what he believes to be right, which is usually always wrong.
Patty reckons he wants to make it to the end of Love Triangle with Lisa… but threatens he will move out if he sees something he doesn’t like. Mate. No. You have a woman somehow getting wet over you even though you keep telling her you’ll leave her if she steps a foot out of what you consider to be a line. Come to the table.
Patty is taking out his aggression with push ups. Meanwhile, Daddy Dick Fingers is unloading the dishwasher like an acts-of-service love-language king.
All three of them are now in the kitchen, and Lisa is marinating raw chicken while talking about Daddy Dick Fingers’ potential elephant schlong.
It’s a really comfortable day to be an enlarged roll of Glad Wrap.
Lisa says if Patty wants to be exclusive with her vagina he needs to step up and be exclusive with her heart. She just wants Patty to tie her down. I believe it to be a thinly veiled metaphor for him committing to her as a boyfriend, but these two have a safe word so you never can be too sure.
Patty thinks he is a third wheel and says he wants out. Lisa is fucking fed up and FAIR. “You can pack your fucking pack your bags and get the hell out of here,” she tells him before storming away from her uncooked chicken.
“If it was that easy to throw away, it can’t have meant that much to you,” Daddy Dick Fingers tells Patty. God he’s good. Please Lisa, pick him, choose him, love him.
Lisa is considering a questionable earring choice while thinking about what a loser Patty is.
Unfortunately she thinks Patty not wanting to be exclusive is a reflection of her. And Patty not wanting her. But it’s a reflection on him. And his ego.
She is visibly upset and we’ve all been here. It sucks.
The couples have been invited to a “triangle party” and please, please, let some people have the hots for the rejects that aren’t theirs.
Douchey Daniel has been friend-zoned so is keen to see if there’ll be any “nice girls” there, which was utterly predictable, fuck yeah. James, who has let his hair down, is playing wingman immediately once he sees Douchey Daniel checking out Elena.
Oh wow. Lisa is going in with Daddy Dick Fingers. And no Patty. And she chose to wear the earrings.
Erika is telling the girls that Lisa likes Daddy Dick Fingers and can’t fault him.
Madi is over the damn moon.
Madi is leaving nothing to the imagination with her reaction to Daddy Dick Fingers and Lisa walking in together.
“YES! SHE CHOSE THE OTHER GUY!”
If a literal standing ovation for “the other guy” doesn’t tell you that Patty guy was a doofus, I don’t know what will.
Madi grabs Daddy Dick Fingers straight away.
“WEELCCOOMMMMEE!” Madi greets him.
“Please tell me you fucked off Patty!”
Matt is stoked that he was able to “get rid of the devil”.
Ben is an aware king and can tell this can’t have been easy for Lisa. He asks her if she’s all good, probably because he isn’t right now.
Madison is back to villainising Bec. Who just may be the sweetest girl on Love Triangle.
Kyle is telling Alex that Madison has been gasbagging to Leashy Leesh about Bec. And that apparently Bec “dragged” Alex upstairs. Alex is quick to tell Kyle that “is not the truth at all”. Alex is worried about his green-eyed monster.
Ly is sitting on Danny’s lap. With Ben right next to them. It is not nice. She’s into it and feeling good.
Patty is in a car and likely on his way to the party.
Not loving this.
The reactions to his entrance say it all:
Ben pulls Patty to the side and reminds him that he is running away from commitment.
Patty says he is not running away. Patty very clearly ran away from man-ag-a-my.
“There is another guy in my house, flirting with my fucking woman,” he tells Ben.
So much wrong with this. She is not your property. And you. WON’T. BE. EXCLUSIVE.
Lisa has pulled him aside. Patty doesn’t like that she flirts with Daddy Dick Fingers. “I don’t like other guys talking to you,” he says, as if it’s a warning. This is so possessive I can’t.
“So you’re telling me, if I tell you I’m exclusive with you right now, you’re going to tell this guy [Daddy Dick Fingers] to fuck off?” he asks her.
“CORRECT!” she yells at him, because it obviously didn’t get through to him the first 102 times.
“I’m exclusive with you,” he responds.
What a toss. Only committing to a certified angel when you feel like she’s halfway out the door?
And that’s where it ends?!
Something happens next week that looks seriously fucked up and wow. Love Triangle just keeps getting better, doesn’t it. Can’t wait to see what that scandal is. Will we find out that Erika is pregnant with Yan’s hatechild? That Bec has experienced some Daddy Dick Fingers? You just never know with this lot.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.
