Welcome back to another Love Triangle recap, where fats may be cracked and hearts will hopefully be broken.
Lisa has invited Erika and Ly around for a cheese board. There is not a Madi, Madison or Madidaughter in sight. Maybe lactose makes them fart or something.
Lisa tells the girls she has no issues with Patty. Interesting. I can think of a few:
- Says “slay” too much
- Treats his sex life like it’s a competition
- Dresses like he’s in Miami, bitch
- Exists
Erika is not buying it that Patty is issue-free, likely because she despises her partner and his fro, but maybe because Patty is a certified flog.
“Do you find him to be on the same page as you?” Erika presses Lisa.
Lisa says they are on the same book but different pages. But getting closer to… PAGE 69.
Fucking hell. Are we 17?
To be fair, Patty surely isn’t the type to do the right thing and willingly muff-dive, so simultaneous oral might be the compromise that has to be made.
Erika and Ly laugh politely about the 69-ing even though they probably swallowed vomit thinking about Patty and Lisa making an IRL cancer symbol. I think Lisa makes them feel like Charlottes after many years of thinking they’re Carries. Happens to the best of us.
Ly asks Lisa how she can “up it up” with her red hot crack Ben. I can only assume this means how she can find out whether Ben’s carpet matches the curtains.
Lisa our sex therapist has now whipped out the sage for help collectively manifesting dick for Ly.
“Yeaaah, amazing” says Erika, who is not at all amazed.
Ly doesn’t know how to hold the sage stick so lets all collectively pray that Ben’s body parts receive stronger confidence.
Ly is manifesting an orgasm.
She said she’s never had an orgasm before and someone assist Lisa immediately. That woman is about to have a heart attack.
Lisa whips her sage back, likely because she doesn’t want to taint it with edging.
But her sex therapy class is not over.
Lisa introduces the girls to a bag of “fun toys” in a voice that was not fun to hear.
Oh great, it’s the same vibrator she used to rub one out over a guy she had not seen nor met.
She confirms it’s clean but I’m not sure that makes this situation any better.
Ly explains that she’s never used a vibrator before and honey, that’s probably why you’re not experiencing a world of wet.
Ly’s curious about the mazz wand and decides to explore said curiosity by… touching Lisa’s vibrator? Now Lisa jokes about whether or not it is clean. I’m not laughing.
Ly asks if the whole thing goes “inside” you.
Lisa is having the fucking time of her life but restrains herself from explaining whether or not she is a g-spot gal or clit queen. Proud, I guess?
“It’s the quiet ones you need to watch out for,” she laughs.
Over at another house where sex doesn’t dominate every conversation or charcuterie, Madison and Alex are being boring.
I sense she is starting to resent Alex for being nice and boring even though he is a snack.
Madi says everything’s going really well but I’m not buying it after the tone in which she told him she was making tea.
Holy shit he just told the producers that Madison doesn’t stimulate him “intellectually”. Well yeah. That would require you two to talk about anything other than how good things are going.
He is caressing her knee crack because if you can’t stimulate intellectually then you may as well try and and stimulate physically. Also a rule people use for one night stands, I think.
Ly is taking Ben salsa dancing to see if it gets her wet. She wants to feel horny.
What does Ben want? For Ly to look him in the eye and think, “shit, this is good.”
She does not think this. She thinks she’s drier than a nun’s scalp and needs some water to hydrate her vaginé.
Patty’s back on his dragon-saying bullshit and wants to “expose the fence-sitters”. To be clear, Patty thinks that people who aren’t boning down every night are being fake.
Lisa is more focused on her relationship with Patty because she is (relatively) normal. She thinks her and Patty are going somewhere as a couple but honey, that place is a sex dungeon.
Ly is telling the dinner table about the “Dildo-ing, vibrating” at Lisa’s house.
Erika confirms it was a used vibrator and this is kind of cooked detail that everyone needs to know.
Madi is unimpressed by both the pre-loved equipment and not being invited out for camembert.
Madi and Alex have arrived to dilute this sexy cordial and say lame things like “we took our relationship to the next level”.
Lisa commences her next sex therapy session and asks what “base” the couples are up to. I hope she left her sage stick at home.
She is very proud of her patients who have kissed.
Alex has an announcement: “We’ve hit a home run as well.”
What I would’ve given to hear Alex say “WE FUCKED” but to be fair, Lisa presented the opportunity for him to speak in his native tongue.
Yan has been wanking which is understandable when your fake girlfriend looks up dictionary definitions just to patronise you. I would die if he used basketball socks for the mess.
Patty and Lisa announce they are going seven days without sex and it’s cute that they think anyone will care.
They are proud of themselves and Madi is not. “Who gives a fuck?”
Say it louder sis.
Lisa confirms they have been having amazing sex daily and that her “vagina’s pretty much turning into burlap.”
MADI’S FACE.
Heavens to betsy, Lisa says her nether regions are feeling like sandpaper. I guess her and Ly have something in common after all.
Madison takes a second to not bore me by making a face.
“I’ve never had a guy in my entire life make me wet like he does,” Lisa tells the table. Wow. Fantastic for her but confusing for me.
Madi still hates Patty which is understandable. She says that people who are actually good in bed don’t need to advertise it. Absolutely right. That is little testicle energy.
Yan confirms week one of his new and unexciting relationship was ass. Because Patty wants to catch a live one, he baits Yan by asking if he would trade in Erika for the other match.
Lol he basically says yes with a side of light tact because he was absolutely forced into this uncomfortable situation. I do not blame him.
I hate Patty. So does everyone else at this table but Lisa, I feel.
He says he sparked controversy night one because he was BORED. The people he thinks are boring? The same ones who stood up to him at dinner.
Patty says he gets Madi and Madison mixed up all the time and same tbh. You know you’re worthy of TV when you get cast alongside someone with the same name as you. You’re worth the confusion.
Speaking of Madi, the beautiful shit that comes out of her mouth is almost as brilliant as that blazer.
What hurts me is that what she’s saying should be completely normal and expected, but because she’s surrounded by tools, she is somehow the voice of reason.
Lisa assures everyone that Patty is a good person behind closed doors. It is literally my worst nightmare to be dating someone where I have to convince people they’re not an asswipe all the time.
Ly tells everyone (including Ben) that they’re not vibing romantically. Everyone claps for Ben and Ly to kiss like they’re on a primary school quad.
“Tell us what those lips do,” says Lisa and knowing her, she’s likely not talking about lips on Ly’s mouth.
Ly wants to find loooooovee and a best frieeeeend so I hope she gets that along with orgasmmmmms.
He’s a bit stiff that Ben and not in a way one wants to be stiff.
HERE. WE. GO.
The singles are getting messages from the people they rejected. For many people in the room (Yan, Ly) this is great news. It’s also great news for Lisa she just doesn’t know it yet.
Our rejectees all want to go on a date. Or be on a show that’ll give them Hello Fresh sponsorships. TBC.
The current matches are quaking in their boots. I LOVE it.
Yan is on cloud fucking nine for someone to like him as much as he likes himself.
Can we talk about the fact that woo girl Leesh and Kyle have contributed shit all to tonight’s episode?
Madison is trying and failing to pretend she would be cool with Alex getting along with his rejectee Bec. Who’s going to tell Madison that Bec’s a model and not the foot kind? Here’s hoping they stimulate each other intellectually.
Ly is now trying and failing to convince us that she cares about Ben’s feelings in this situation. Is he OK, though? Like seriously.
Someone check on our hot red crack.
Ben gives Ly a nice guy speech and now it appears that she could be getting the level of moist she so desired, mentally at least.
Oops, spoke too soon. She is very down to meet Danny boy.
Yan reminds everyone that they’ve only been with their partners for nine days and should chill out. What an opportune time to either a) not have had sex or b) hate your current partner.
I’m so excited for Lisa to meet someone else. I just feel like he will be so amazing. Not that the bar is very high.
Patty, however, is off it. He says he would be “fucked up” if Lisa and her rejectee connected. I see the classic fuccboi gameplay using sudden vulnerability and I will not fall for it. Again.
Meanwhile, Alex has one hell of a staring problem doesn’t he.
He is hellbent on proving to Madi how invested he is in the one-week-and-a-half relationship. Even though I’m pretty sure he thinks she might be dumb.
Alex is now meeting Bec and fuck me dead, she is very hot. Like, objectively hot. Alex damn well knows it too.
He is staring which should mean nothing when it comes to this stare bear but he has also lost his words. Unfortunate for a man who has intellectual stimulation as a high priority of his relationship wish list.
They’re connecting over weird things that aren’t intellectually stimulating, like the fact that Alex has six pairs of flamingo socks.
Bec is 28 which is 83 in model years.
She thinks Alex is attractive, which is true, but is also a great sign given the 6’5 megababes she’d work with daily.
Alex likes her, it’s obvious. She says she is “intellectual” (poor Madison) and “mature when it counts” (whatever the fuck that means).
Next week our singles meet their could’ve-beens and holy shit I totally forgot about that douche Madi was speaking to. I can’t wait for this carnage.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.
