Welcome back to another recap of Stan’s Love Triangle which is quickly shaping up to be one of the horniest shows on television. Let’s dive straight in — and I say dive deliberately because things are getting real wet on this show.
The singles are piling into Airbnbs to share with their partners over the next six weeks and Lisa is so nervous she might poo.
She says she will share a room with Patrick because she is here for a reason (what reason that is, I cannot confirm nor deny). Meanwhile Madi is lugging her suitcase up the stairs like a peasant.
Yannick is reflecting on all the women who have thrown themselves at him in the past because of his “cheeky banter”. His words not mine. Erika confirms she is not attracted to him so it’s a good thing he forecasted rejection and suggested separate bedrooms to sleep in.
Ly is excited to give things with her orange-haired partner Ben a “hot red crack” and that’s not right, is it?
Ben and his hot red crack have arrived and Ly is a lot more excited to see him than she was last time.
Madison has entered a nice Randwick adobe to meet up with her hot-yet-broken divorcee Alex. Our resident Cenny Coast woo girl Leesh has also rocked up to Kyle‘s Airbnb in Manly.
James and Madi scored a pad in Bondi so it’s unfortunate they’ll be having a threesome with that dirty hoe La Nina. James popped a cork that almost took out Madi’s eye.
“I just saw my life flash before my eyes — and you weren’t in it,” she tells him. I’m pocketing that line for later. Brilliant.
Lisa has packed the essentials. Cetaphil and raisin toast.
And the same vibrator that she mazzed to Patrick with.
And “lubey lubey”.
She reckons one tube’s enough. TBC.
“I’ve got a man to fulfil the rest,” she says. TBC.
Lisa is saging the room with her makeshift pink meat-slapper. I think.
I don’t know. This woman is very interesting to me.
Patty has arrived and planted a kiss right on Lisa’s lips which is an ideal second-date greeting IMO. He tells the camera-person he is glad he wasn’t catfished by Lisa — an interesting word to use given no photos were ever shared for said cat to be fishy.
Sorry, this is the biggest fucking umbrella I’ve ever seen in my life.
Lisa has been popping farts already and is concerned that may have freaked out her dragon-slaying podcaster.
“Get used to it because I am a woman, hear me roar.”
I mean, fair? Women have buttholes too.
SURELY SHE DID NOT JUST POP ANOTHER FLUFF.
OK, it was the chair.
Meanwhile, Alex is a 10 but says things like “cheeky kiss”.
Madi has managed to get Alex to stay in her room, rather than separately in another room. He has busted out the Pinot and is ready to plant a cheeky kiss on her.
The camera-person has chosen a really inopportune time to lose focus on this objectively hot but objectively boring pairing. They kiss and if I was caught macking on camera this is the angle I would want it to be from.
Meanwhile Lisa is off it because Patrick is already in bed instead of taking her to town. I am getting the impression that if Patrick does not satisfy her within 48 hours, she will “look elsewhere”. I have not seen a slouch beanie since 2003.
Kyle is on the hunt for a red flag and he won’t have to look very hard once Leesh tells him about following her ex to Townsville.
Leesh is falling for Kyle already.
It is clear that Erika hates Yan’s guts.
He’s all g though because he gets to look at himself every day in the mirror. A damn treat!
Lisa is “sexually frustrated” because Patrick wants to “take his time” with getting intimate.
“I’m due for my period next week and I feel like I’m a bitch on heat,” says Lisa.
Oh honey, you don’t need to tell us twice.
Here, have a picture of a banana in a bowl.
Lisa has planned a massage and unfortunately for Patrick, it is not a foot one.
It is some kind of tantra thingy.
Oh my god, Lisa is the horniest person I’ve ever (not) met.
She has gotten on her knees and is looking up at him. What does this remind me of?
He definitely has a semi.
I think Lisa knows this.
She is now feeling the energy that is radiating from his dick.
The instructors don’t look impressed with their student.
I’m not sure what’s happening now.
The lightly-veiled air-touching has turned into interpretive dance.
Or an exorcism? I can’t tell.
“Many people have had orgasms just from this,” the teacher says. “Many people,” he reiterates.
INTERESTING.
Sorry doll but I don’t think Patrick is one of many.
I am howling:
Thoughts and prayers from Patrick’s family watching him crack a fat on national television right now.
“We think that’s probably a good ending,” the teacher says.
BAHAHAHAHA.
Not a happy ending but a good ending.
Madi and James are discussing big-spoon-little-spoon dynamics. He turns around to kiss her and says “no one’s the big spoon now”.
Madi responds: “I think this is when we become the fork.”
GEDDIT SIS. GET THAT 6-FOOT-WHATEVER-HE-IS SLICE.
Love this for her.
I hope her dirty dog cheating ex is crying into his unstained sheets tonight.
They’ve all received a message inviting them to a dinner to meet the other couples. Fantastic. This is where the magic happens.
I am pleased to announce that Lisa has successfully blue-balled Patrick so now he will likely want to have the fucc before his 48-hour time limit is up:
Oh, “other parts of their bodies decided to kiss”, according to Patrick. That’s one way to tell people you had sex, I guess?
According to Lisa it was “great” and they came simultaneously. Stunning.
They now think they are the king and queen of this experiment because they have bumped uglies. OH MY GOD. Patrick has just likened a figurine that’s bending it back and busting it open to Lisa.
“I remember this look!” he tells her. “But where?”
“Last night!” she reminds him.
Alex and Madison have arrived to hopefully offer some wholesomeness and knock these two horndogs down a peg.
“We did tantric yesterday!” Lisa and Patty tell them and fuck, at least buy Alex and Madison dinner first. They point out the figurine’s likeness to Lisa and then tell the PG-rated couple about Patty’s big, fat boner.
Madi is uncomfortable.
The rest of the couples enter the room and heaven on a stick, James is one tall specimen, isn’t he.
The couples are talking about disagreements they’ve had so far.
For Madi and Alex?
Almond or soy milk.
For Patrick and Lisa?
“The biggest disagreement we’ve had is who’s on top.”
Please shut up. You fucked— well done. No one cares.
Except maybe Alex who is somewhat interested. Given he was in a relationship for 10 years before this, I’m not surprised that he’s keen to broaden his knowledge before getting intimate with Madison.
“Everyone seems to be doing amazingly wall!” Alex says. Tell me he’s from Malbourne without telling me he’s from Malbourne.
Yan and Erika are yet to arrive and I don’t feel like she’s trying very hard to tolerate him.
Yannick has gotten Madi a drink and… none for Erika. I quite enjoy this after Erika shits on him 24/7.
Wait, he’s from Balmain? I definitely picked him for Bondi.
Erika’s pissed off that she had to get herself a drink. Maybe don’t be such a toad, then? She thinks this is another one of Yan’s ego tricks.
Yan just said, “You meet me once, you’re going to remember me, right?” to some of Da Boiz. He really makes it hard for me to be on his side.
Ly and Lisa ask Erika how she feels about Yannick choosing her. She replies simply, “Nup.”
Nup is not a feeling but go off sis.
Lisa tells Erika that she would swipe left on Patrick on a dating app… but she loves his personality. Which is dragon-slaying and peach emojis. To be fair she did rub one out without ever seeing the bloke.
And he is standing right next to her while she is basically telling Erika that he is shit-looking.
I don’t care how good or shit anyone’s personality is, overhearing you’re unattractive would be dogshit.
Patrick is talking about licking the soles of Lisa’s feet. They also have a safe word. This is both soon but also likely necessary.
Madi is calling bullshit on our horny king and would be mortified if James spoke like this about their sex life. Very fucking valid point.
Patrick is playing a weird game of which couple will snap like Gretchen Weiners first.
He thinks it will be Erika and Yan, who he has decided to call “blue wiggle” and “red wiggle”. Original.
Madi is back to put this flog in his place and suggests he and Lisa might crack first because things are going so well early on.
Patty says if he and Lisa don’t get along then they just “make up”. Madi asks Patty is he thinks that’s “healthy”. I love her.
He says he is toxic and Lisa is alkaline so they’re balanced? I’m so glad James is taller than everyone else so that we don’t miss these phenomenal reactions on his phenomenal face:
Meanwhile, Madison and Alex clearly have nothing more interesting to say to each other than “stop it, you”. I am counting down the days until we find out Madison is a burnt bridesmaid who hates the colour brown.
Lisa is passing around a crystal lucky dip like she’s at some kind of school fete. Her horny king Patty gave Yan and Erika a rock he found in the front yard, telling them it is a “special” and “unknown rock”.
“The fact that no one has had sex is a joke,” says Patty, who thinks he is in a power couple because he made a girl cum.
It’s the next day and Madi is giggling. Oh! Perhaps Lisa and Patrick were the first of the horny dominos to fall and now everyone else will follow suit.
“We shared a bed,” Madi laughs. “And practiced safe sex.”
Amazing. But confused about how that worked logistically? I hope she likes belly buttons.
Oh wow, another couple bites the sexy dust: Alex and Madison.
Of course our cheeky divorcee is the type of guy to say they took their relationship to “the next level”. How sweet and not at all boring as shit.
Yannick thinks he was personality catfished by Erika. Not sure about that. He thought she was going to be “feisty” and “fiery” and I think she’s done what she said on the tin.
He tells Erika they’re caught in a “negative space” and she says they would be in more of a positive space if he wasn’t so into himself.
He thinks that’s a really mean thing to say (it is) and she proceeds to look up the definition of “self-centred” for him.
This is so patronising. I’m dying.
He says he wouldn’t have 20 friends if he was self-centred. Lol, well done for keeping count doll.
He takes a stab at her because she’s still in her PJs even though the day has well and truly began. This has shat her up the wall, perhaps because this is her regular attire?
She is now laughing at him like a condescending devil wearing pyjamas and tells him to “shut the fuck up”.
So romantic to really go for the jugular and character assassinate while serving up a piece of humble pie to her famous-looking boyfie.
He’s off it and has stopped entertaining her behaviour to instead walk along Bondi Beach. In a basketball singlet (not from Kuta) and Ellesse shorts which are absolutely sending me.
The episode finishes with a zoom shot of the ugliest effing rock I’ve ever seen.
See you next week (Love Triangle airs Thursdays on Stan at 4pm AEDT) for more boners.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her here.
