The spooky season is well and truly upon us, which means it’s time to think of some topical Halloween costumes that will get you laid, or – at the very least – have something to talk about at your limited-gathering ‘party’.

Halloween might look a little different this year, but that’s no reason not to go ham on the special effects makeup and post about it for attention. (What? We all do it.)

If you want to dress up as something a little more creative than your usual spooky season witch / creepy doll / zombie / The Babadook, then worry the fuck not, my friend. PEDESTRIAN’s brains trust is here to help you out.

Presenting…. a bunch of topical Aussie Halloween costumes you can slip right into.

1. Karen from Brighton

All you need is a black Northface jacket (or cheapo alternative) and a frizzy blonde wig and you, too, can have done “all of Brighton”.

2. Swooping Magpie

Photo: Imgur.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that whoever pulls together a swooping magpie costume is automatically King Shit of the Halloween BBQ. It’s not an easy costume to make (I assume, because I’ve never actually made one), but fuck me dead is it a good one.

To make it topical for 2020, you could introduce yourself as FuckJerry and tell everyone it’s a hawk.

3. Andrew, who doesn’t run the press conferences

@jzandt

Saturday night bop. #fyp #foryou #australiangovernment

♬ original sound – triple j

Here’s a cute couple costume idea (or one for you and your housemate): Victorian Premier Dan Andrews, and journalist Andrew Probyn, who doesn’t run the press conferences. If you happen to have a female addition to your throuple and/or a female housemate, then she can be Katherine, who hasn’t had a question.

The rules of Halloween are that Katherine can’t talk all night. Sorry.

4. Toilet Paper

This is a real thing you can buy from the UK.

Remind everyone of the first few chaotic weeks of the pandemic by covering yourself in toilet paper. Hahahaha, remember when we all thought this would be over in a few months? Alternatively, remember when we all thought we’d be wiping our buttholes with cardboard paper because a few idiots bought every single 12-pack?

Anyway, toilet paper. Turn it into a dress, go as an empty shelf, or just buy a weird-ass single toilet roll costume like that one above ^^^^. Bonus points: if the party runs out of bog roll then you’ll automatically shoot to being the most popular person there.

5. The patch of grass from the MCG

God it looks sad. Bonus points if you can actually steal the patch of grass from the MCG. It’ll probably be quite easy after this weekend.

Hawaii Scott Morrison

Yes, Scott Morrison fucked off to Hawaii while Australia was burning LAST YEAR, but it was in December, so technically it comes under ‘This Halloween Year’, a thing I just made up. Like how the financial year is from July to June? The Halloween Year runs from November to October. This is Spooky Season Law.

Anyway, just get any old Hawaiian shirt and an air of incompetence and you’re good to go.

6. You, before and after lockdown

All of us, on the inside at least.

On the left-hand side of your body, you are clean-shaven, bright-eyed, and hopeful. On the other, it’s a foot-long beard with Pringles crumbs in it.

This Halloween costume is the most terrifying of all, because in a way, we’re all living it. Maybe it’s not a crumby beard but a food stain you can’t be bothered to clean up. A dullness behind the eyes. An energy that says, No, I will not go to Zoom trivia, just let me huddle in a corner on TikTok for six hours straight. It’s who I am now.

Anyway, happy Halloween!

Image: Getty / Pedestrian