We were promised DRAMA tonight on The Bachelor Australia with promos running featuring lots of women gasping and Stephanie shrieking: “is he sending her HOME?”. To be honest, I thought Jimmy Nicholson was sending a shit-stirrer home, but the reality was way more emotional than that.

I’m Josie, Head of Editorial here at PEDESTRIAN.TV and also your recapping queen. I wear many hats, it’s what I do. Join me as I unpack this rather weird episode of The Bachelor Australia. (If you missed my recap from last night, check it out below).

We kick things off tonight in the Bachelor Australia mansion, where our outrageous queen Sierah is feeling pensive because she hasn’t had much time with Jimmy. Ashleigh, who copped the final rose last night, also thinks she hasn’t had enough solo time.

Both of them are gunning for that single date when a helicopter — brought to you by some product placement for Touchdown Helicopters, of course — suddenly heads straight for the mansion with Jimmy inside.

The Bachelor Australia
when I crash land into a mansion, I only choose TOUCHDOWN HELICOPTERS

Unfortunately for Sierah and Ashleigh, of the faves, Jay, cops the adventurous single date. Having the Business Lounge key, Jay already has a decent advantage and has had lots of sexy solo time with Jimmy, so there’s a few salty faces when she gets the one-on-one date.

The Bachelor Australia
hope it crashes

Jimmy and Jay fly their helicopter to yet another sludge-filled body of water, which The Bachelor Australia seems to have the monopoly on. A jet-skiing date is planned and for some reason, Jay has to be blindfolded throughout this entire experience.

The Bachelor Australia
hmm, inviting

The poor thing is completely nauseous, and spends the entire jet-ski ride trying not to paint Jimmy’s back with the Thai beef salad she had for lunch.

The Bachelor Australia
was that rump steak that just hit me in the eye

Because dates on The Bachelor Australia are not like normal dates at all, Jimmy then takes Jay to a dragway, because clearly the people at MG had decided there wasn’t enough product placement yet. Jimmy tells Jay that they will be competing in a “high-speed race”.

The Bachelor Australia
that’s an MG if you were wondering!

Far from being thrilled, Jay once again looks like the Thai beef salad is coming back to haunt her. Turns out she is not really into the idea, because she had a car accident a few years back and is still a little bit traumatised by it.

The Bachelor Australia
wow that soy sauce has really come back to haunt me

Jimmy helpfully explains that the MG is full of safety features, so what can go wrong! This seems to convince Jay, so in the race she fucking fangs it and smokes Jimmy completely. Car phobia what?

Now that the Need For Speed portion of the date is done, the pair get to cosy up… in the middle of the raceway. Once again, I’m wondering if this was allowed or if the Bachelor Australia producers snuck in and set all this up after the place closed. You’ve gotta admire their balls.

pictured: Daniel Ricciardo’s dream date

Jay says that having a real connection and interests in common is the most important thing for her in a relationship, saying “once the lust is over, you need that”. Good for Jay to admit that no, you don’t fuck like rabbits once you’ve been together for a decade.

The Bachelor Australia
fuck security is coming RUN

Meanwhile, I am sitting here smiling like a fuckwit because honestly these two are so cute. They have lots in common, including the fact that they both have Fijian heritage. After chatting about curries and rotis for a bit, they have a nice big pash — which they’ve already done in the Business Lounge, so this is nothing new — and Jay says she is “smitten”. I would say Jay has moved herself neatly into pole position here.

The Bachelor Australia
talk bula to me

The next day on the group date, the Bachelor Australia producers have once again let Osher out of his home in the wall of the mansion to get some fresh air. Turns out he has “planned” the group date!

The Bachelor Australia
can you believe they let me out twice in a week!

Finally, it’s time for the gals who haven’t had as much time with Jimmy to be part of a compatibility study, and at the end of the date, one of the gals gets the alone time with Jimmy. Rebekah, Stevie, Ashleigh, Laura and Sierah all get picked to be part of it. The others just get to hang around and watch.

Osher then says the girls will be represented by avatars, who will give their answers on their behalf so that it remains anonymous and Jimmy is picking blindly. Laura immediately gets hot under the collar over the wizard, because like any red blooded millennial her sexual awakening was Lord of the Rings.

thou shalt not pass without giving me some of dat ass

Sierah bursts into tears because she’s scared of clowns (fair). But her avatar ends up being the clown, ironically.

The girls have to answer questions about what they were like as kids, and if Jimmy decides it’s in line with his own experience, he asks the avatars to step forward.

The Bachelor Australia
this could be the mansion lockdown talking but that wizard could get it tbh

Ashleigh starts changing her answers to compete with Sierah, and obvs Sierah is off it, because she is off everything, but the others watching are too.

After the quiz, the girls have to write a letter to Jimmy about how they envision their future. I’m howling imagining the wizard telling Jimmy he wants Jimmy’s baby.

Turns out the avatars don’t read the letter, but Jimmy actually reads them out loud. Laura is mortified by her chicken scratch handwriting and Sierah’s nervous because she drew a “dick and balls” on hers. This feels very on brand.

The Bachelor Australia
hmm maybe I shouldn’t have added the squirting cum

The wifey music is playing for the wizard/ Laura, I think Jimmy is vibing on her. Meanwhile Rebekah’s letter says she doesn’t “need a big house or lots of money”, so maybe Jimmy and his loaded Northern Beaches family aren’t for her. Ashleigh’s letter is really sweet, funny and honest.

The Bachelor Australia
…is that a cum-squirting dick

Jimmy says two letters really resonated — the letters from the pirate and the wizard. So we as the viewers know it’s between Ashleigh and Laura. He goes with his gut and picks the pirate, which is Ashleigh. Sierah says that Ashleigh sucks. Once again, very on brand for her.

new plan I draw a dick and balls on her FACE

Ashleigh and Jimmy cosy up for some solo time, and a large wine. They start talking about kids — Ashleigh says she’s heading for 30, so she wouldn’t want to wait much past 30 to have a baby. But Jimmy says he’s not looking to have kids for five years. Jimmy says there’s a three-year terrors in relationships, and you have to get past that before you have a baby.

Really, it’s quite a serious convo to be having for a first one-on-one chat. There’s no fun flirty vibes, like he’s had with literally everyone else he’s had one-on-one time with. It’s a convo I had years into my relationship with my partner, yikes. There’s no kiss, no rose, no real vibes.

At the cocktail party, Ashleigh is put on the spot about her time with Jimmy. She says the convo was great and just flowed, and honey — what convo were you in??? Then the other women ask whether she got a rose and it’s… crickets.

The Bachelor Australia
if I steal a rose from that bush does it count

Sierah, Tatum and Laura, all renowned relationship experts, agree that its not a good look for Jimmy / Ashleigh that she didn’t cop a rose or a pash during their solo time. Everyone’s wondering where Jimmy is and he’s outside having a stress-walk in the garden.

brb going to vomit on the stairs

Apparently the chat with Ashleigh rattled Jimmy a bit and made him realise the gravity of his situation. As he says, he has one shot to get this right and pick the woman on The Bachelor Australia who he thinks he sees a future with. Evidently after his chat with Ashleigh, that’s not her.

Once he appears inside, he immediately takes Ashleigh inside for a chat. She says that she loved getting to know him but the dramatic music is… ominous. (So too are the constant cuts to the other women gasping.) Jimmy says that he wants there to be a spark, but that’s missing. Then he utters the line: “I see us as being really good… friends”. Credit to Ashleigh, she doesn’t cry or throw a drink on him. Instead, she very maturely hears him out.

The Bachelor Australia
welcome to the most polite rejection of all time

He says he’s wanted to be completely honest during this Bachelor Australia experience, and act with integrity. So as a result, he thinks it’s best that she leaves as he doesn’t see a future with her. She says that she respects that, he’s a “good guy” and totally understands, and I don’t know if it’s PMS but I’m genuinely tearing up over this convo and the fact that it’s such a vulnerable and yes, honest chat happening on reality TV.

it’s okay maybe they’re just going outside to look at the MG

Jimmy gently tosses Ashleigh into a limo while the other girls sit and speculate about what has gone down. Before they can delve into any wild conspiracy theories, Osher quickly jumps out of the wall to explain what’s happened and that Ashleigh has gone home, adding that there will be no rose ceremony tonight.

Everyone looks shocked and upset, except Sierah who thinks it’s awesome that they are all safe tonight. Maybe everyone was thinking it but doll, pick your moments!

this is my sad face

Anyway, I don’t know whether I love or hate this. On one hand, I felt it was pretty brutal for Ashleigh to have that conversation play out on TV. Jimmy could have taken the easy way out and just not given her a rose at the the ceremony. Then she could have avoided us all watching her get told she was friend material and nothing more.

But the more I think about it, the more I respect Jimmy for not taking the easy way out. Ashleigh deserves more than that, and deserves to know how Jimmy is feeling and that they are not, sadly, on the same page. After all, she did sign up to be on The Bachelor Australia, so you’ve gotta expect that some vulnerable moments — whether positive or negative — will be aired on national telly.

So while it wasn’t the drama we all thought it might be, I do think this episode showed us Jimmy’s true colours. He is a decent guy, he did a hard thing, and I hope he enjoyed a very large Newcastle Pour of Shiraz after he went home that night.

Join me next week for more recaps of The Bachelor Australia!