Last week on The Bachelor Australia we saw some cocktail party drama when Steph called Holly a cunt, Holly confronted her, Steph denied it, etc. Apparently there is more drama this week because Jimmy Nicholson himself boots out a contestant for stirring up shit, but that didn’t happen on tonight’s ep. Boo.

What did happen was… a lot of strange stuff, including a date with Jimmy’s super-cute best friend who I am now in love with (sorry Jimmy), a jacuzzi, and women dressed up as animals.

I’m Josie, Head of Editorial here at PEDESTRIAN.TV, and I’m gonna take you on a recapping journey through tonight’s ep of The Bachelor Australia. Let’s begin!

At the mansion, a group of girls are chatting about the fallout of the Steph calling Holly a cunt drama, and I’m definitely feeling like this is foreshadowing that the Bachelor Australia producers have forced Jimmy to take Steph on the solo date today. He must, because imagine everyone’s faces when that happens.

On cue, Osher appears from where he sleeps in the living room walls to announce — a single date!

The Bachelor Australia
will you guys sign my petition asking for an actual bed

Steph announces that she needs this date because she loves… aviation. Honestly, this woman has gone from saying a) she’s dated pilots and hated all of them because they’re dirty cheaters to b) dropping random Cessna single-propeller facts into conversation with Jimmy to flex her apparent knowledge of aircraft. And now she’s claiming aviation is a huge personal passion of hers? I can’t keep up!

The Bachelor Australia
but wait you literally said 2 mins ago you hate all planes

In a shock move that no-one saw coming (everyone did), Steph’s name is on the date card, and everyone’s excitement is obvious!

The Bachelor Australia
hopefully this dislocated jaw conveys… something

Jimmy says he’s chosen to bring Stephanie because “she’s mentioned to me that she loves airplanes”. So I’m guessing he caught one of the 8,000 references she made at the recent cocktail party.

They’re going to do a flight simulation, and Steph is confident that because she’s boned some pilots and also had a housemate who was a pilot, she will be able to nail this simulated flight and not crash into a simulated mountain.

The Bachelor Australia
excuse me while I do a simulated vomit

Lucky none of the other girls are here, because Steph and Jimmy definitely have a vibe, especially when a simulated fire begins in their simulated plane and simulated panic ensues! After the flight simulation they go to a hotel (!) but just when you thought it was gonna get horny, they have separate rooms. Dear The Bachelor Australia, why must you taunt us like this.

my key is hidden under your key hehehe

They have a date on the balcony of the Maritime Museum. This seems like an odd location. Sure, the view is nice, but I’m genuinely wondering if the Bachelor Australia producers even got permission for this, or if they ran up the stairs in the dead of night and set up the cheese and champagne once the joint was closed.

quick run before the security guard sees you

During the D&M, Jimmy finally bites, asking Steph about how she’s dated a pilot. She quickly corrects him to: “A FEW PILOTS”. Seriously hun, do you want a medal? Why is this such a badge of honour for you? Anyway, Steph straight up tells him that most pilots cheat, but says she hasn’t painted him with that brush. even though she has, to-camera, many times.

Ever the diplomat, Jimmy says he takes marriage really seriously which I read between the lines as “yes I fool around because I’m young and single but if I was married I wouldn’t fool around anymore.” Seemingly happy with that, Steph gives him a smooch and seemingly happy with that, Jimmy gives her a rose.

lets get this done before security kick us all out

The next day, the Bachelor Australia producers allow Osher out of his wall cave to attend the group date.

I haven’t seen sunlight in 28 days

The girls are at Avalon Beach for some kind of lifesaving date. Jimmy even gives us a slow-mo Baywatch run, as a treat.

Speaking of treats, Jimmy has brought a mate named Fin along, ostensibly to help decide which girl is the best match for Jimmy. But Fin just looks like all his Christmases have come at once.

omg chicks HahaHAHa

(All my Christmases have because Fin is … extremely cute. In a very white, tall, boring way. And I just found his Instagram page. Life is good!)

Back at the mansion, a bunch of other gals do a workout and have a sponsored Starbucks coffee when suddenly Steph walks in with her rose. Sierah is looking daggers at her. She tells us that they are friends but she’s massively jealous of Steph’s date. She asks Steph how she’s feeling about her connection with Jimmy, to which Steph retorts “better than I do about yours”. Ouch.

fuck I walked into that one

Back at the beach and it’s relay time! Because as we know, group dates on The Bachelor Australia aren’t dates, they are tough physical challenges not unlike those found at the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, designed to put these women to the ultimate test. I can’t say I’ve ever done a lifesaving relay on a date. Maybe I just haven’t lived?

Anyway, the girls team up with one team unfairly getting Fin to be their first runner. Desperate to make up time on the other team, Holly throws herself into the water, swallowing half of Avalon Beach while she’s racing.

The Bachelor Australia
wow tastes like money

She feels sick afterwards, as anyone who’s ever been dumped by a wave can probably relate to, and has to go to the lifeguard station. Jimmy visits her there, and explains using his volunteer lifeguard expertise that she needs to go to hospital via a conveniently placed MG car in case she’s ingested water into her lungs.

how reliable are MG cars hey Holly

Meanwhile the girls are hassling Fin about Jimmy, and tbh Fin for The Bachelor Australia 2022. I’m aware that he is a basic-ass loaf of white bread, but he is a babe.

The Bachelor Australia
Brb going to pretend to drown in Avalon so Fin can save me

Fin tells Jimmy that Tatum is a standout, and I suddenly have a fantasy of them falling in love and running away together. In this fantasy, he’s telling Jimmy that Tatum is a standout for him, not for Jimmy.

The Bachelor Australia
can I please have Tatum

But instead, Jimmy crushes my dreams by taking Fin’s opinion on board and giving Tatum a rose. Once again, in my mind Tatum is secretly upset because what she really wanted was to go behind the lifeguard tower and make out with Fin, and now she has to hang with Jimmy for another weekend instead.

The Bachelor Australia
*screams ‘FIN’ internally*

At the cocktail party, the girls dress up as their spirit animals for something different. Can we just give Lily a rose already for dressing up as her toy cavoodle, Pixie-Jean?

dear Channel 10, make Lily and Pixie-Jean dual Bachelorettes in 2022

Or Sierah, who comes crashing in as a phoenix because she’s “risen from the ashes” but says she was gonna be a koala because she likes sleeping and has “definitely had chlamydia”. Wow.

the flames represent my burning vag

Some of the more inventive girls abandon The Bachelor Australia unofficial girl code and organise a series of mini dates with Jimmy — Carlie does a full wine tasting, and Ash and her perfect dancer’s butt take Jimmy into the jacuzzi.

will you accept this ass

The others are jealous that they didn’t think of this, and Sierah says it’s making her horny just watching them.

Laura climbs into a tree, gets yelled at by one of the Bachelor Australia producers and then crawls along the grass to spy on Ash and Jimmy.

me after 0.5 champagnes

The girls / animals are slowly losing the plot, which Steph blames on the full moon but I’m gonna go ahead and blame the copious amounts of champers.

The Bachelor Australia
me after 0.75 champagnes

Shoutout to the Bachelor Australia producer who thought of these costumes, this rose ceremony looks fucking ridiculous.

The Bachelor Australia
this is normal

Sassy Voiceover comes courtesy of Ash who is very pleased that she thought of the jacuzzi trick. And Sierah who of course thinks the idea was BS. And Laura, who seems to be regretting her choice to climb a tree and instead wishes she’d thought of the sexy jacuzzi instead.

what have I done

Osher does that Sad Maths but only one girl is leaving tonight. Lily cops the first rose, probably because she was one of Finn’s favourites. Frontrunners Carlie, Brooke and Jay follow in quick succession. Now Ash thinks she might have gone too far with the jacuzzi. She says she feeling anxious as the names go on, but she cops the next rose. Phew!

how could I ever doubt you, sexy jacuzzi

As the girls are whittled down, it’s the poor Mouse who gets left out. According to Osher, her name is Elena, but we haven’t heard from her once during this season of The Bachelor Australia so forgive me for not knowing.

The Bachelor Australia
fuck I knew I should have picked ‘sexy cheetah’

Apparently in tomorrow’s episode of The Bachelor Australia we are finally going to get some more drama, with a girl being kicked out for starting a fight with another contestant. Bring it on.