After a week of starvation, our Married At First Sight participants will finally be fed in the first dinner party of MAFS 2023. Let’s tuck right into the MAFS recap.
First we need to see how our couples doing.
Why am I not surprised that Lyndall and Cam are heaps wet again? Loving that post-coitus energy from these two.
Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan) can already see themselves falling in love with each other four days in. Whatever, report back to me in a week.
There are a few things Horny Mum (Melissa) wants to get off her chest and I really hope that’s a metaphor. She and Disney Daddy (Josh) have a chat and reach a common ground on what they want to share about their fucc-life.
Everyone else is happy except for Bronte and Bunnings Daddy (Harrison), considering he, you know, basically rooted and booted her. He has given her “the space that she requested”. Why is it so weird when he speaks formally?
Bunnings Daddy tells Bronte that he wants to “get to know” her which is an interesting thing to say after you’ve put your penis inside someone.
Claire is going to visit Jesse and fuck she’s a babe, isn’t she? The way she’s been able to hold her own with that donkey in her presence is truly inspiring.
Why do they look like they’re in the stock room of General Pants? Why has his beanie cracked a fat?
Jesse tells Claire that attacking her for being into astrology and crystals is the equivalent of her making fun of his taste in death metal, which she could’ve done but never did. She’s a better person than me.
They decide to walk in together tonight after their lil’ chinwag but she makes it clear that she was the one who had to initiate this conversation.
“I don’t chase girls,” he tells her.
BAHAHAHAHA. That would require them wanting to be chased by you, honey bun.
“It’s not about chasing it’s about being a grown ass man and taking accountability for your shitty behaviour,” she schools him.
Does Claire need a best friend? I’m available.
She’s rightfully annoyed at this Russel Brand-looking man with erect headwear.
Jesse says he considered coming to see her but every part of him was like “no way”. Now she regrets coming over.
She thinks he is a child. She would be right. I think they’ll be rocking up alone tonight.
Lyndall walks in looking like a hot Tinkerbell and Cam walks in looking like a hot… chippy.
Speaking of tradies, Bunnings Daddy is looking for low-carb beer options and this checks out; his pantry is 100 per cent full of BSC.
Bronte is telling Lyndall about pink dress AKA Jessica from her MAFS wedding day. Who isn’t her friend anymore, apparently? Sorry Jess. That’s what you get for being the messenger! The woman will always looks like the bad one, hey.
The women are seeing Prince Eric for the first time and someone’s going to need to steam clean that couch immediately.
Everyone’s getting competitive, making me wonder if people only get in relationships to show them off. It would account for all the times I’ve had to endure “we” in a sentence as if being an individual is no longer a normal thing.
The relationship Hunger Games include Ollie and Tahnee who appear to be covering up proof that they are getting it done behind closed doors. There is a hickey on Ollie’s neck but he maintains he was “assaulted by a razor”. That would be an interesting lawsuit to have againt Schick, wouldn’t it.
Horny Mum walks in with her Disney Daddy and poor Melinda is sweating at the thought of hearing about their hanky panky.
Claire has walked in alone and can someone give Lyndall a pat or something?
Claire’s telling the girls what happened at the airport with Jesse — where he shooshed her — but I’m too focused on Bronte’s face. She really does look like Ines Basic now — but like, a nicer one.
Jesse is here and the boys think he looks like Johnny Depp which is an interesting human to be compared to in this scenario.
Claire rises above like the human angel she is and walks over to hand Anko Jack Sparrow a beer. But he can’t even talk to her? This guy is such a lemon that I do not want to make lemonade out of.
Poor girl. I hope he feels like a right asshole watching this back. She is embarrassed even though Jesse is the only one who should feel that way tonight. And not just about his behaviour.
Now everyone’s seated for din dins and, of course, Jesse and Claire are right next to each other. Jesse wants someone to kill his ass. There is so many jokes I could make here but I would get sued.
Jesse is the type of person who pauses so he can land on the most complex words in the dictionary and sound smarter. And it’s really fucking annoying.
Bronte can tell Claire isn’t being herself, which is a sad side effect of someone shitting all over your entire personality.
Meanwhile, Jesse is possessed by the demon that is himself.
Can someone tell me what Jesse looks like that isn’t Johnny Deep, a pirate or Russel Brand? I say “what” because I’m not sure what he reminds me of is a person.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy are bonding over making Jesse and Claire uncomfortable.
OK, Claire is airing out the insecurities that Jesse shared with her and I won’t lie, this feels a bit wrong even if he is a fuck stick.
“I got told that I am too strong, confident, independent for him,” Claire tells Bronte and Bunnings Daddy.
“And he can’t bring to the table the things that he wants to bring to the table because I already have them and so then he would feel — I believe you used the word, was it ‘pussy’ or ‘needy’?”
Meow!
It’s his turn to speak. He said the wedding was “amazing” but the moment he realised he was about to enter “challenging territory” was when Claire had the audacity to speak too loudly in an airport.
“That’s just who she is,” Bronte says. I’m not sure if this is a compliment or an insult.
“Bronte is 100 per cent the enemy,” Jesse says and I’m scared he’s going to kill her ass on the way out. He says he would rather have a bath with a toaster than listen to her. I mean, what did the toaster do to deserve that? Don’t let it be a SMEG.
Jesse proceeds to tell the interrogating couple that is Bronte and Bunnings Daddy that Claire was loud on the plane as well.
Jesse informs them that he’s not attracted to “loud people” (even though he asked for an “out there” person). He explains that loudness makes him withdraw.
Enough of that binfire of a couple for a second.
Sandy is telling Prince Eric that she is a oral health therapist but he thought she said “old hip therapist”. I’d make fun of him but honestly, I’m just glad to learn that he has a personality. Because let’s be honest, with that face, it was up for debate.
Now Prince Eric thinks Sandy drinks children! OK maybe it’s not personality and just shit hearing.
Melinda tells Bunnings Daddy (of all people?) that Layton is everything she asked for but she’s not attracted to him and his chest tatts (she didn’t say the last part but one can assume).
Horny Mum does not understand because Layton can breathe and therefore he can be sat on.
She’s reminiscing on the sex talk they had at the Hen’s — a core memory that Melinda has blocked out for her PTSD recovery plan following the incident.
Horny Mum tells her to be open and it’s really hard to not make jokes.
Horny Mum tells Melinda that if she fucks Layton she might be more attracted to him. Not true! Just ask Bunnings Daddy.
She says Layton might blow Melinda’s mind and then points to Disney Daddy. He looks over to see what’s happening and she says “nothing!”
Norti Horny Mum.
Bunnings Daddy is telling the story about his wedding and pink dress so that he can control the narrative.
Alyssa is not buying it and is going to speak up. Does she REALLY need to clink her glass for that?
If someone clinked their glass to ask if I was OK I’d fucking lose it. Walk over to her you numpty?
“No pressure but I would love to hear your story,” she tells Bronte. And the entire table.
Bunnings Daddy says nice things. Melinda is not buying it and doesn’t see what pink-dress would’ve gained from talking shit (a recognisable face). She thinks he’s sprinkling “Harrison shit” in people’s drinks. And they’re drinking it! A drink spiking storyline! What WILL they think of next?!
Bronte says she hasn’t seen any proof? Has she not? I remember several screenshots and I’m not even married to the guy.
He tells Melinda that he didn’t give 20-year-old a solid no. But he didn’t lead her on either.
Melinda basically thinks that Bunnings Daddy doesn’t need to be on a show to find love if he’s such hot shit outside of this.
Her advice to Bronte is “Run… fast” — which is something she surely would do if she wasn’t, you know, on a show promising thousands of new followers for every extra minute she hangs around.
Bronte tells Bunnings Daddy that the whole wedding-day ordeal still plays on her mind.
He said there are things about her that play on HIS mind in the most well-timed and truly fucked deflection I ever did see.
Now Bunnings Daddy wants Bronte to prove how invested she is. Uh, what? She invested her vagina into your life, mate.
He says she’s not giving anything. She gave her vagina!
“I just want you to show me that you want this,” he tells her. VAGINA.
Bronte is tearing up. When your eyes are that blue u can really tell when they’re red, can’t ya.
I love it when all the girls pile over and make it SO obvious that she’s upset. Nice work, team!
See you for tomorrow’s MAFS recap — the ranking task is back to ruin any egos and relatively stable couples.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
