Welcome back to another Married At First Sight recap where we will suffer through our 187th and 188th wedding for MAFS 2023. OK fine, it’s our seventh and eighth wedding for the season.
First up we have Caitlin and if I meet one more MAFS bride who works in the beauty industry I’m going to have nightmares about an eyebrow pencil going up my nostril and into my brain. Sorry, that was dark.
She’s a makeup artist but also a gamer. Not a regular girl but a cool girl! She says she’s attracted to men who look like they could ruin her life and girl, same.
Caitlin says she has bad taste in men. Don’t we all!
She then tells a story about a dude who took her back to his place and there was a girl in his bed. Was this … a proposition of sorts? Dickhead men are “why she’s here” on MAFS but I’m sure there’s another 10 of them on this show beb-face.
Next up we have Shannon who is the Aussiest Aussie who ever Aussied.
He says he is shy and doesn’t like being in front of cameras which is the biggest lie I’ve heard in my whole life. He is on a show watched by millions of people and has an IMDB page?
He describes himself as “cheeky” and so far I am unsure if he is an uncle which would be the only reason he could say that. Oh he’s a daddy and ISN’T HE JUST.
He was engaged for seven years but has only been single for 12 months? I’m sorry that is too soon. I struggle to believe you are emotionally available based on my own personal experiences with the freshly dumped and nothing else.
Cute wedding venue. I’d get married there if it wasn’t on the Gold Coast.
Shannon is saying his affirmations in the limo and not to generalise, but I didn’t pick him as someone who would gas themselves up with an “I am confident, I am strong, I am in peak condition.”
Quietly obsessed with Shannon’s parents:
Shannon’s at the venue which is giving him Santorini vibes — but he’s never been because he’s definitely a Mykonos boi. Can we fast-forward to his reaction of Caitlin, please? Let’s not drag this out.
Loving the banter between him and his parents. Would watch a show purely about that family. OK I think he is happy but I cannot confirm nor deny.
“She’s cracker. She’s good on the eyes.” I guess that’s a confirmation. “She’s a piece!”
Bad day to be a beverage because I just spat mine on the computer screen:
Why does everything Caitlin say sound so flirty? I love it.
Caitlin says that she assumes Shannon, like her, is shitting himself.
For a brief moment we think Shannon forgot the wedding rings, until Caitlin spots it in his suit jacket. He tells her to geddit, not like get-that-dick geddit, but get-that-spider-before-no-one-sleeps-tonight geddit.
They kiss.
The crowd goes wild.
Another MAFS wedding! How many more of there could there be? (At least three, not including this one, if you were wondering).
We have a Mormon from Utah. Growing up she wasn’t allowed “pop”, coffee or grog. She also wasn’t allowed to show any emotions that weren’t happy ones. This can’t be good for mental health?
Alyssa‘s life changed when she was 14 and her dad came out as gay. It sounds like she has “shied away” from religion after the way the community responded to her father’s sexuality.
She wouldn’t mind someone who is tall, dark and handsome.
Yeah, I think this guy from Summer Bay will do.
This is Duncan and there’s not much else to report on other than the fact that he is hot with a jaw.
His dream? To look at his wife from across the room and want to start a family with them. If he’s talking about the steps of impregnation, surely this is just a regular Saturday night. But with contraception!
Duncan wants kids and I want that for him too, purely so I can call him DADDY as whoever gave him that jaw intended.
Of course he’s heading to his own wedding on his motorbike. Can we not pretend this guy is edgy just because he rides vehicles that aren’t enclosed?
The MAFS experts are very excited about this pairing and I’m only telling you about this because John Aiken says Duncan can be “her port in the storm”. Dead.
Alyssa’s Man Of Honour is horny for Duncan and same.
There is some serious main character energy coming out of Alyssa’s limo. She says she’s never been able to just be herself in a relationship, but then mum chimes in with the profound and poetic one-liners best reserved for the likes of Grey’s Anatomy:
“You’ve always been able to be you. You’ve just never been seen,” mum tells her.
“And appreciated. And cherished.”
It’s all very dramatic.
I don’t think I’ve ever said the word “cherish” out loud. Even while listening to Madonna.
It’s time! He looks happy but also maybe slightly constipated? I hate myself for saying that.
Alyssa is stoked and, well, yeah.
If they forced Prince Eric to marry me I’d be over the moon too.
They both live on the Northern Beaches and it’s nice to see reality TV progressing from their stock-standard Bondi pairing.
Alyssa says she’ll be adding Duncan to the family chat. He says “looking forward to it” which is a blatant lie. No family chat is fun. It’s just logistics and baby pics.
Back to the other blonde and the other hot guy: Caitlin and Shannon.
Shannon is freaked out that Caitlin is a chick version of him because there’s so many SIM-U-LARITIES.
WALL DONE. WALL DONE.
We’re at the honeymoons where Lyndall and Cam are so wet.
Jesse is pissed off at himself for being turned off by everything and anything women do. Claire is the only woman in pissing distance so he has been pissing on her out of convenience. But he’s having a moment of clarity.
He goes to talk to Claire and they’re not killing each other just yet so I have hope.
Jesse admits to Claire that because he feels like she has a bigger personality than him, he can feel himself “shrinking” around her. I know that feeling. But also, no one should have to dim their light to make someone else happy.
Side note: he looks so much better without a man bun. And without lying to himself.
Jesse tells Claire that “she don’t need no man” and is gassing her up. “But I feel like I’m going to bore you. Everything about me that we share in common, you are just more of.”
Am I feeling what he’s saying or is the soft music manipulating me?
He feels he is quite feminine and his loudness is where he can tap into his masculinity. I’m not a man but I feel like I understand what he’s saying.
“What I want to deliver, I feel like you’ve already got the package. I feel perhaps down the line you just won’t have a need for me.”
He says relationships like this eventually make him anxious and clingy. I’m really feeling this and not rolling my eyes as I usually do when Jesse breathes.
Claire is sad that he feels inadequate and says, “This is why it’s so important to communicate”. 100 per cent. She — and us viewers — needed to know this to understand, as much as we can, what this binfire behaviour is a reflection of.
Where are our MAFS newlyweds Caitlin and Shannon honeymooning? So glad you asked. Right here:
Here’s some of Shannon’s best commentary summarised:
- “This is a whole lot of couch!”
- “Look! Macaroons!”
- “Everything’s got this funky lil’ dude on it.”
And Caitlin’s:
- “I feel out of place.”
- “Rich people things!”
- “It smells like expensive.”
- “I’m too poor to be breathing in this Versace air.”
I love them. Shannon reads out a quote from Audrey Hepburn and for a hot second there he thinks the icon is a living, breathing person who actually sent that note to them.
Can’t decide whether to say “bless” or “surely not”.
Good thing Caitlin is educating him. “She’s ace to talk to!” according to Shannon. He is out-bloking himself.
Over at Cam and Lyndall’s honeymoon, the cursed honesty box has arrived. One of the questions is whether there’s anything about Lyndall that concerns him, and every year I am impressed by the producer’s savagery.
Cam explains that the life expectancy of people with Cystic Fibrosis concerns him, which is understandable. If you’ve ever lost someone well before their time (which he has), it’s terrifying to get close to anyone again.
“The worst thing now is that there’s something that I can’t do to help you out through this,” he explains to her. He seems really supportive.
“I do care, so much about Lyndall,” he tells the cameras. “That’s hard to talk about too,” he adds, likely referring to the passing of his friend.
Lyndall talks about all the treatments she did before the new medicine — which increases her life expectancy by 40 years — was approved for her to take.
“I can finally do this without the guilt or the worry that I’m not going to be okay because I know I’m going to be okay,” she explains to him.
“I’ve got ya,” Cam says and watch out, our girl’s gunna slip off her seat.
Bunnings Daddy/Harrison and Bronte‘s turn. Is it weird that I’ve missed these two?
Bunnings Daddy has clearly had a few at this Hunter Valley wine tasting and mouths to Bronte, “Oh my god you’re so sexy this is killing me.”
Is it just me or did all of Australia just collectively dry heave?
“It’s taking everything to not jump over this fucking chair right now,” he tells her. “Especially with a couple of wines in me.”
If you’re saying this to a woman before you’ve slept with her, it can make her think that you only see her as something your penis can go inside. Facts.
Bronte laughs it off because what the fuck else are you meant to do when someone’s imagining you naked? (Other than cry, of course.)
In other horny news, Lyndall and Cam have engaged in the fucc.
I hope they had time to put their hair up prior.
Lyndall says “they went straight for the home run” and heavens, please tell me there was a warmup.
“Yeah, we shagged,” Cam confirms.
“I reckon the experts have nailed this one.”
Wow, everyone’s fucking!
Including Bunnings Daddy and Bronte. I hope she got some level of stripper entertainment.
But it is … not sunshine and orgasms in the Hunter Valley.
“Last night we slept together and then the chemistry’s just changed,” Bunnings Daddy explains.
“Sometimes it’s great if it’s done straight away and the chemistry builds even more, and sometimes it takes it away.”
Uh….. what? Does he not class this as “right away”?
You toss.
“Sometimes the hotter the flame burns, the quicker it burns out,” he tries to justify.
I don’t want to hear it.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy have been a slow burn IMO given, you know, he has a rumoured 21-year-old secret girlfriend at home.
Bronte is struggling to wrap her brain around what happened.
She says she needs mental stimulation as well as physical and he apparently said, “Oh I don’t need that, I just need physical.”
Much confuse tbh.
They’re having the post-sex chat which literally every man hates unless it’s about them getting the job done. Which is rare.
Bunnings Daddy doesn’t want to talk about it. “To be honest with you, I just want a bit of time apart”, he says.
They’re not showing their faces when these audio bites come through though, so I don’t believe he said this to her face tbh.
“I don’t think it met either of our expectations. it was so rushed and there was no emotions in it,” Bronte explains. Some would say she just flat-out confirmed a jack-hammering. And by “some” I mean “me”.
She decides to stop talking to avoid crossing boundaries. Too late sis. I know he’s an Energiser Bunny now. No turning back.
“Basically I know his favourite sex position before i know his favourite colour,” she wraps it up.
Doggy for sure.
If that wasn’t enough, the honesty box is here to fuck up Bunnings Daddy and Bronte’s relationship just a little bit more.
“Do you feel any sexual chemistry with me?” Bunnings Daddy reads out.
She said for first impressions, yes. “I don’t want it to just be about sex,” she says. She wants to start from scratch when it comes to the rooting.
Does Bunnings Daddy feel the sexual chemistry, after trying not to dry hump her at a cellar door?
“Look, not at the moment. We had a lot of chemistry at the start but it’s not there now, he says.”
He says it lacked a bit of passion.
“I just need time to find you sexually attractive again,” he says.
“For days it’s been ‘you’re hot, you’re sexy’,” Bronte snaps at the camera.
Apparently he’s been going on about how hot she looks in activewear, and that’s a real gift innit. Personally, I look like I’ve rolled around in oil and electrocuted myself when I walk out of the gym.
“I feel like you’re getting a bit emotional,” Bunnings Daddy tells her and YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I FEEL, MATE? Like this is an attack.
“I don’t know where all these hysterics are coming from,” he says condescendingly.
IF YOU TELL A WOMAN YOU’RE NOT ATTRACTED TO HER AFTER FUCKING HER WHAT DO U THINK WE’RE GOING TO DO? JUMP FOR JOY?
Also she’s being pretty fucking calm considering. Gaslight much?
Claire and Jesse are having drinks and Claire is hopeful that the relationship can be salvaged after he opened up.
She tells him she doesn’t want to feel like she’s too much and it seems like they can get along now. Yay!
Spoke too soon. Honesty box if here to fuck shit up.
He asks her what her dealbreakers are and she says normal things like “emotional intelligence” and “effective communication”.
Then Jesse starts discussing his icks which is probably a mistake given he says “star sign chicks” again. It’s the way he says it that really irks me, like it’s soooo annoying to be into astrology.
She points out what we already know (but he doesn’t) which is that he is “really close-minded”.
She continues to reason with him but he continues to swear and get riled up.
She is confused by him because she hasn’t said jack shit about his love for death metal.
She asks Jesse what her most endearing and annoying traits are.
The most annoying? “The random comments on everything,” Jesse says.
He asks her if she would like an example in the most cunty fashion.
Then he mimics her and makes fun of things she’s said, proving only that he is an insecure asshole.
“Yeah, nah you’re not my person,” Claire decides. She’s upset and fuck, who wouldn’t be after that absolute roasting?
Claire is leaving.
Jesse is a loser and that is all. See you at the next MAFS recap, if I make it to Sunday without my brain falling out of my skull.
In the meantime get around our new We’ve Done The MAFS podcast where me and my roomie Jules tear this week’s eps apart. Listen below and follow on Spotify here.
This writer will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
