Welcome back to your MAFS 2024 recaps, this time for Episode Five — which basically means we watched this dumpster fire full-time this week. Wow!
First up is Richard aka 62-year-old Dick who wants everyone to fuck off with their ageist comments about how hot he looks for 60. He’s a motivational speaker and you know what, I’d be motivated by his “fuck you all” approach to life.
He lives with his daughter Roxy who suggested he apply for MAFS after dating apps did shit all for him. He wants someone who likes the beach and music which is a tall order!
He’s being paired with Andrea who is 51 and has two motorbikes and two human kids, too. She’s very fucking cool and I have a feeling I’m really going to like her.
Andrea ended her last relationship after watching MAFS and finding out what gaslighting is. That’s funny because I also watched MAFS and have never been more confused about the definition of gaslighting. Anyway, now MAFS owes her.
Next MAFS couple!
Lauren works in PR and they’re making it seem like she’s perpetually off her head. She’s funny and, honestly, chaotic in a way that as a viewer, I am here for. She doesn’t want to be paired with a vegan and you know what, I respect that.
She’s being paired with Jonathan who is a health and wellness business owner. Why do I have a feeling he’s both vegan and sober? It all seems above board with Jono until he mentions an ex that he says he should’ve married. Oh no.
It’s their wedding day and Lauren has overslept. She calls herself “crazy” a lot which makes me sad as I’m always asking people to not call women crazy.
Lauren puts on her MAFS wedding dress which will have the boomers in the wedding party asking, “Where’s the rest of it?” while laughing ferociously.
Before Lauren gets in the car to a wedding she’s already late for, we witness the most unsettling MAFS scene so far as she applies fake tan while wearing her very-white wedding dress.
Lauren’s running late and the car is not making it out of her driveway. I’m 99% sure MAFS producers chose a cooked driveway for the loosest MAFS participant on purpose.
She also forgot her bouquet so she’s going to pick them from some poor sucker’s garden instead.
It’s one stitch-up after another because they’ve made damn sure Lauren won’t be holding onto the handrails that’ll keep her, you know, stable.
As expected, Jono’s sister does not appreciate the uniqueness of Lauren’s dress.
“Wow, she’s actually good-looking,” says Jono, as if he hasn’t seen how hot all the to-be influencers generally are on MAFS.
Lauren likes him too even though his “hands are really sweaty”.
Lauren reads out her vows which she wrote when she was off her tit. Jono’s sister is concerned.
Time for Andrea and Dick’s wedding. Andrea is getting ready and will give her daughter, Evie, $20 if she calls Dick her new dad.
Dick arrives on a motorbike and I don’t know why this scene is so funny to me.
“You’re my new stepdad,” Lily tells Dick upon arrival. Mum better cough it up!
Andrea walks down and Dick is stoked. VERY STOKED.
Is anyone else in tears watching these two? It’s so wholesome. Plus, I think anyone who has a single parent is resonating with MAFS‘ decision to have an older couple in the mix.
They kiss and it’s very sweet, the crowd goes wild etc.
Over at Lauren and Jono’s wedding, Jono introduces his new bride to a friend. How do they know each other? They once dated a pair of sisters at the same time. Lauren asks if they had a foursome and as someone who has three sisters, I resent that way of thinking.
They’re getting along well though! He digs the chaos.
His stepsister does not. She goes to sit by Lauren who points out her beautiful cross necklace on top of her “gorgeous set of tits”.
“Jesus and cleavage! Oh my God,” Lauren continues.
Lauren then tells Steph about all the bruises she got in Bali — which is huge because I’m a believer that what happens in Canggu, stays in Canggu. She refrained from any mentions of Finns or Black Sand, so I guess that’s good.
It’s time for their first dance, which would’ve gone smoothly if Jono didn’t, as he said, have to try and hold her up. To her credit, girl’s got moves.
It’s the next morning and Lauren is comparing Jono to a one-night stand. You know, the morning after, where you feel a bit confused about who they are and where they came from.
It’s MAFS honeymoon time and it would appear that Andrea got some Dick this morning. We know this because she giggles. Love this for her! Dick, however, refers to it as “spontaneous combustion” — which is the only name I will use for penetration from here on in.
Meanwhile, Lauren has made the cardinal sin of deciding her new husband is “too nice”. She thinks he is “a thousand years old” because he’s never played Fuck, Marry, Kill.
So she makes him play it… using her bridesmaids as the subject. He dances around it, likely because this feels like a trap and he doesn’t want to be mean or sexualise her inner circle, considering they are, you know, married.
She thinks he needs to be “tougher”, perhaps like the meat in her mouth.
Later on, he puts a piece of hair behind her ear and she wigs the fuck out, because that’s just too bloody nice, isn’t it.
He notices she’s repulsed by him and asks if everything is okay.
She calls him too nice so he lets out a swear. “Are you fucking kidding?”
He then tells her to stop looking at him like he’s a “pussy” and if he’s trying to prove how not nice he is, he’s doing an OK job at it.
Tomorrow’s a MAFS dinner party and it would appear there is a scandal and a Houdini! See you there for another MAFS recap.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Tell her how much you love/hate these MAFS recaps on Instagram.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.