It’s commitment ceremony time and how are we up to Episode Nine of the Married At First Sight 2024 recaps already? Time flies when you’re surrounded by shirtless ironing.
Jack and Tori are preparing for the debut MAFS Commitment Ceremony, knowing full-well that the article in “the paper” will be talked about. I didn’t realise they were in their fifties.
Collins and Natalie are living separately and I can’t really blame the girl for having a brain.
The MAFS tributes start piling in for their time to shine hurt on the Ouch Couch. MAFS expert John Aiken is warning them that they will not get away with any shit tonight.
Tristan and Cassandra are up first and wow, this bloke knows how to talk, doesn’t he? Tristan is very nervous — bless him. And thank you for the free show.
“Our match has been incredible,” Cassandra tells the MAFS experts. She reckons their only hurdle is Tristan’s confidence and lack of affection.
“It’s going to take some time for him because he doesn’t have that self-love,” she explains.
“I hate myself,” Tristan tells the MAFS experts and yep, my heart is offically broken.
He says he hates the way he looks, thinks he sounds annoying and feels a lack of achievement.
I am very scared for him being on a national (and soon to be international) show where he’s essentially in the firing line for breathing?
Cassandra saves the day by listing out all the things she loves about her MAFS husband.
- Thoughtful
- Patient
- Generous
- Kind
- Hilarious
- Tall
- Fun
- Beautiful energy
- One of a kind
Mel encourages Tristan to swap his negative thoughts with Cassandra’s compliments. They both stay because they are one of our few chances at love this MAFS season.
Timothy, Lucinda and Lucinda’s earrings are up next.
She tells the MAFS experts how much she would like to have a pash-a-thon with her husband. Sadly he’s not touchy-feely!
Lucinda says she feels like Matilda, Timothy’s dog, wanting affection all the time. But she doesn’t want to get arrested for thrusting herself upon him!
They stay and they kiss — something tells me Lucinda feels more confident when there’s an audience to plant one on him because there’s less chance of rejection. I could be wrong.
Jack and Tori are next and like clockwork, the article from “the paper” (which is most definitely digital) has been brought up.
He tells the MAFS experts that his previous relationship was “very passionate” and I don’t remember anyone asking, but thank you for once again insinuating that you’re a king in bed.
Jack says they called things off with his ex-girlfriend anywhere from seven-to-nine weeks ago but John would like to know if Jack was still with her when he met the experts.
“Yeah, I could’ve been, yes,” he tells them.
“It wasn’t serious, it was a weekend, friend-with-benefits relationship,” he assures the MAFS experts. I mean, that’s interesting because I don’t ask my friends with benefits to come support me in tough situations (which is what Jack told me the ex-girlfriend did for him).
Tori doesn’t give a shit what Jack was doing before he met her and weirdly, that’s very fair. He obviously couldn’t have liked the girl that much if he dumped her to go on a TV show, so there’s no threat here. Unless he pulls a Grant Crapp.
John tells Tori she’s being defensive.
“I’m just sick of talking about it,” she bites back. “I’m not going to use all of my energy on a disgruntled ex.”
He likes to lead and “be the man” and is happy that this happened “naturally” with Tori, but he hasn’t had the chance to be the “fierce lover” he claims to be just yet.
“I’m a connection guy, it’s very rare for me to have an instant sexual connection.”
Alessandra calls him out because Jack told her something else during their meet-ups.
Timothy — a man who, as far as we know, also hasn’t slept with his MAFS wife — has some thoughts and thinks there are cracks in this relationship.
“Slow burn thing, doesn’t add up,” Timothy says out loud.
Dicky brings up a convo from the Bucks night where Jack said he wouldn’t sleep with his wife the first night. But Timothy did!
Tori and Jack both decide to stay but not before Tori tells everyone that the conversation off the couch was “boring as shit”. Sassy!
Lucinda’s shitty because she can’t even get a hug from a guy who bangs people on the first night. Her entire face has dropped, almost as much as her earrings.
It’s Tim and Sara‘s turn and she jumps in to dominate the conversation. I’m getting the vibe this isn’t her first couples therapy rodeo. I like those eyebrows.
John thinks Tim is intimated by Sara. Tim confirms he can get nervous about Sara’s reactions and reckons she’s a bit of a shit listener when he speaks about his emotions.
John says Sara does a lot of the talking in the relationship and essentially tells her to shut up and listen moving forward.
They both choose to stay and I feel shortchanged because I would like to know if they’ve rooted, please.
Next up is Ellie and Ben who appear boring (but apparently are not so boring — major MAFS spoiler here).
Ellie reveals that they hit a road bump when she found out that Ben doesn’t know if he wants children. I understand the being unsure thing, but it kills me that at 39 he can be all “yeah maybe” while women just don’t have the same luxury.
They will stay but likely continue to wear condoms for the sex they may or may not be having.
Lauren and Jono are up and confirm that P went in the V on the wedding night. I thought that was obvious from the morning-after energy but anyway.
Lauren’s going to try and be more vulnerable because she usually finds it “horrific”.
They stay to open up some more.
It’s Eden and Jayden‘s turn and I am TERRIFIED for what more might come out of this Paddle Pop Lion’s mouth.
They look too close for a person who just found out her partner slept with his ex-girlfriend’s best friend.
Jayden tells the experts all about a cheating ex-girlfriend in order to try and justify the blasphemy that’s about to come out his mouth.
“I basically thought I would do the same thing back to her,” Jayden explains.
“I’ll give you another chance but I’m going to do the same thing back to you.”
“I’m going to sleep with someone – a friend.”
John’s processing what we have had days to process.
Jayden has now realised, after talking with Eden, that it was the wrong thing to do. He suddenly regrets it (now) and that’s an interesting turnaround.
John tells him that the admission is “unacceptable” and “toxic”.
“It doesn’t matter how hurt you are,” John reminds him. “That behaviour in a relationship is totally unacceptable.”
Eden is worried how Jayden will react when she makes a mistake. She wants him to think with logic and not emotions moving forward.
They choose to stay. Did Eden do that just so he doesn’t sleep with her bestie? Time will tell.
Natalie and Collins are up and here we fucking go.
“I’ve tried, I really have,” Collins reckons.
The experts ask what affection he’s showed Natalie.
“I haven’t done too much,” he replied and that doesn’t sound like trying, doll.
He then says that Nat’s grief (she lost her father recently) has been a huge part of this experience and that she’s not present for long enough at a time.
I will throw my computer. Blaming her grief?
John tells Collins that, “Grief aside, to the best of her ability, she has been present.”
Collins is confused about this grief thing. “I don’t think it’s grief aside,” Collins bites back.
“You can’t just put grief aside, I’m sorry. This is a huge, huge factor,” Collins continues.
“No one is saying that the grief is not playing into this,” John says.
John confirms that it’s Collins’ lack of effort — not Natalie’s grief — that’s getting in the way of this relationship.
They’re having a bit of a battle now because Collins wants all the answers. Doesn’t he know that therapy is thinking you came to a conclusion even though they spoon-fed it to you with strategic questions?
John basically tells Collins he needs change his existence.
Collins apparently wants to move in with Natalie. How does she feel about that?
“I don’t trust him,” she says, and you know what, Nat? You and the rest of Australia!
She doesn’t think there’s a connection. Collins does and by that, he means he wants to stay in the experiment.
“I feel awesome hehe,” Collins laughs. “She’s good fun, she’s a top, top lady. She’s got a heart of gold, she’s so pure, hehe.”
John says it sounds like he’s describing his mother.
Natalie says leave and I’m happy about the prospect of this sit-down comedy no longer being on my television screen.
The gasps and laughs and over-exaggerated shock gave me a fucking headache. It actually felt like I was in Year 11 drama class.
John says rules are rules, so the pair must stay and try and work on it. Say it with me: poor girl.
Last couple (thank god) is Dicky and Andrea.
They’re happy and everyone’s happy for them, but no one quite as much as Mel.
Dicky hasn’t felt this way since his twenties and I think it’s very damn wholesome.
I spoke too soon. Dicky tells everyone they root two-to-four times a day, every day, and that it’s “full on”.
Dicky and Andrea confirm they are staying, with Andrea doing so through song.
From tomorrow night It’s fucc week on MAFS so strap in (and strap on if that’s more ya speed) for your incoming MAFS recaps.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer.
