We’re three nights down for our first MAFS 2024 episode recaps and I want to congratulate you all for making it this far. We’re all as fucked as each other, and for that we must stick together through this shit.
Sara and Tim are getting along awfully well considering the man has proven himself to be a gaslighter who engages in illegal road activity.
Meanwhile, Tin Man Timothy has proven himself to be a real man because he is painting his toe nails a nice shade of pastel blue.
Before we jump into more weddings, MAFS expert John Aiken has rocked up to Michael‘s place to deliver some “disappointing and shocking” news (that will shock no one other than Michael who is hearing it for the first time).
John tells Michael what we all know — which is that his husband-to-be houdini’d with nothing more than an email to announce his departure.
Michael is sad about the prospect of sleeping diagonally some more. But the good news? They’re going to find him a new match! They’re pretending that they might not find someone who is a perfect fit, as if an imperfect fit isn’t exactly what they’re looking for.
Our newest MAFS couples
Time to meet “Not-like-other-girls Natalie” again, who this time has a bird to really hammer home her uniqueness.
We are once again led to believe Natalie is different because she has eye wrinkles (?) and plays video games.
Natalie’s dad passed away six weeks ago — like Tin Man Timothy’s, as we learned in the last episode two recap — and while that sucks (and I can personally relate), I’m a bit confused about production timelines here.
Anyway, that’s not a convo for right now. Natalie’s being paired with a trivia host and yep, I felt my hymen grow back just writing that.
While I hate trivia, this man, named Collins, does seem lovely so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Collins believes he’s never gotten past a first date because he gets friend-zoned but I think it’s because he’s a trivia host. I could be wrong.
While Collins has never been in a relationship, Natalie was once in a seven-year one so I’m sure this pairing will be horrid for at least one person. I also feel like they’ve leaned on the Belinda and Patrick MAFS 2021 prototype?
You wouldn’t believe it, but producers have cottoned onto the fact that he’s related to someone from the MAFS archives but it hurts John to even say his name.
Baby Seal Mitch is preparing Jayden for the big day and I’m please to report he’s still as folicle-less as ever.
We are being reminded of what a pest Baby Seal was to illustrate the fact that his brother Jayden is nothing like him! It’s nice to be reminded of the horniest MAFS wedding I ever did see, though.
“Go big, don’t wig,” appears to be their brotherly word of affirmation.
More about Jayden, who I suspect will be a key player this MAFS season: Jayden was mentally preparing to propose to his ex before he more or less found out she was sitting on several other dicks behind his back.
Eden looks like she’ll be perfect for him because she lives on the Gold Coast, like Jayden. Also she is pretty.
She’s so unfairly hot that MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla is trying to figure out what must be wrong with Eden to be… single and/or on MAFS.
Turns out Eden’s ex-partner cheated on her with her LIFELONG BEST FRIEND.
The only person she trusts now is her dog. Or baby bear. I’m not sure — his name is Cub and he can think with his red rocket, if he likes.
Tonights’ MAFS weddings
Collins is lint rolling away any trivia questions that he had in mind for the first date with his new bride. Very interestingly (for a trivia guy), he does not know that “intrigueness” is not a word.
After figuring out that childlock was likely put on by producers, he makes it out of the car and by the water where he will be marrying his cosplayer.
Said cosplayer keeps tripping over on her way to her trivia host and this is a fucking stitch-up if I ever did see one. Did they have to make her walk so far in heels?
No real bride has to walk this far. Imagine.
Oh dear, they’re carrying her down the aisle because the plan to give her shoes a size too big for her has paid off for production value.
At this point, I don’t think she’s clumsy — they’ve just given her demon shoes. She keeps calling herself a dork and fuck, we get it, darling heart. You’re a dork!
Collins is very happy and thinks Natalie’s smile is “joyous”, while she thinks her husband — who has just moved to Sydney, presumably in order to prepare for his new influencer career — is “cute”.
She’s excited to be his first relationship so she can blow him.
She reminds everyone she’s a dork for the 117th time before a boat of Daily Mail paps zooms past during their nuptials.
Not Like Other Girls Natalie then reveals she is a Taylor Swift fan, funnily enough, like many other girls. So’s Collins. He’s even got Taylor tix! Which he shouldn’t have revealed because now he has to go with her.
Collins asks whether he should kiss her on the cheek (face ones) or lips (face ones) before she consents to a lippy smooch.
“That’s a good lady,” Collins tells producers about a girl named Vicky or Nicky or a name that is most definitely not Natalie.
Meanwhile, Jayden and Eden are preparing for a marriage where everyone will hopefully keep their genitalia in their pants.
In good news, Eden has actually decent friends that don’t fuck her boyfriend.
One of them is giving her a pep talk before the aisle, and we love her because she genuinely cares about Eden.
“She deserves the very best and I hope that’s what she gets.”
It’s wedding time and Mitch is giving his commentary including but not limited to the fact that Jayden is “shitting himself”.
Mitch is also reminiscing on the time he and Ella Ding smelled each other on their wedding day. He has some regrets about how that all turned out which is a good thing.
Eden looks fucking phenomenal and the experts really sort these Eynaud kids out, don’t they?
Jayden is very happy with his match, obviously.
Eden tells Jayden he smells nice and Mitch is TRIGGERED.
Eden reveals she has another man in her life who is hairier than both Jayden and his Baby Seal brother, Mitch. So Jayden will have to be number two to her dog/baby bear, Cub.
They are very sweet and there is vibes, so I hope they last longer than three months outside of the experience when their DMs overflow. I also hope that none of her bridesmaids sit on Mitch and rotate after the wedding.
It’s wedding photos time for Collins and Not Like Other Girls Natalie, where he is trying not to drop her on the floor.
“You could say that I fell for you,” Natalie laughs. He also laughs, which is good because the predictability of that comment would’ve personally made me do the opposite of smile.
They’re at the reception now and Natalie tells Collins how cold she is and he says he’s cold as well instead of giving her his jacket.
Natalie asks Collins if he’s a dork so she can confirm she is a dork again.
He confirms he is actually super duper cool and hip because his favourite band is Green Day. Natalie has seen them live eight times which is eight times too many if you ask me.
Natalie thinks that in a year she will be famous like Green Day. They have 5 million followers, though, and she’s getting 100K from this show, tops.
Collins is somewhat alarmed by Natalie’s energy levels, it seems, and tells producers “This is a lot.”
Over at Jayden and Eden’s budding MAFS love story, he’s concerned she doesn’t like him and has judged him based on… I don’t know. Either his job or physique or both or none at all.
They find out each other rarely drink and that’s probably a good thing given they’re being filmed and poked and prodded for D-R-A-M-A.
“Her friends are awesome,” says Mitch and I fucking knew it. Sexy time could be had.
Everyone really likes Jayden and you know what? I do too. But he’s not so sure, confiding in his brother about the uncertainty he feels.
Mitch is talking him through it, saying Jayden needs to “trust the process” and “open up” which is, you know, interesting considering Mitch did neither of those things.
Eden tells Jayden that she likes him and it’s a good thing those are waters in their hands, because this feels like the exact scene where Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles) vomits on Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger).
Mitch is regretting fucking over Ella while watching his brother fall in love with his new MAFS bride.
Back at Collins and Natalie’s wedding, she’s feeling “ooey gooey” inside and nup, I’m done. That’s enough.
Ah fuck. She’s performing the cardinal sin of too much too soon, giving him a necklace that magnetises to her matching necklace.
“Will you be my player one to my player 2?” she asks.
“Wow,” he replied. “What a day!”
Collins fears there may be too much energy in this relationship and has prepared a speech to let Natalie know that he is a “slow burn”. She nods and then goes to her room to cry.
Tomorrow night in the land of MAFS episodes the honesty box is out! And an overprotective…. cousin? See you tomorrow for another recap!
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Follow her on Instagram.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.