Someone Had To Tell Them: The Sassiest & Most Satisfying MAFS Expert Takedowns Of 2023

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If there’s one thing Married At First Sight is good for other than ruining your life for two whole months, it’s shining a light on shitty behaviour.

And while every episode brings up something new for us to talk about, reflect on and make damn sure we don’t replicate in our own lives, it’s at the Sunday night Commitment Ceremonies where the MAFS experts really let it rip.

Someone’s got to pull these people in line, right? And with all the Commitment Ceremonies for 2023 now behind us, there’s no better time to look back on the best MAFS expert takedowns of MAFS 2023.

Harrison and Shannon get schooled for getting their dicks wet

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Cast your mind back to the second MAFS Commitment Ceremony when Harrison Boon and Shannon Adams were seemingly the only shitheads in the experiment. Throughout the night, it became clear that both men had slept with other people in the lead-up to their time on the show.

When Harrison admitted to sleeping with one of the many women he was seeing prior to coming on the show (but not the day he packed for MAFS, to be clear), expert Alessandra Rampolla told him he needed to get his head out of his ass and also out of other people’s legs. OK she only said the last part.

“The place where your brain needs to be, perhaps shouldn’t be between someone else’s legs and body,” she schooled him.

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But it wasn’t over then and there. When Shannon also admitted to sleeping with someone else (his ex) in the lead-up to the show, John reached his finger-to-forehead limit.

“Two guys that have applied for an experiment that over 10,000 people have put their hands up for and a week before coming in, you’re hanging out with an ex. That is unacceptable,” John Aiken told them.

John also noted that if the experts knew this during the application process, there was “not a chance” Harrison and Shannon would’ve made it on the show.

“It’s selfish behaviour, it’s disrespectful. It is beyond belief that we’re sitting in an experiment where we’re matching people who are with other women before the experiment’s started,” John continued.

Considering where the both he and Shannon’s relationships ended up, I think the MAFS experts may have been onto something.

John tells Dan that his prioritisation of the ocean is stupid

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Dirty Dan. A man with many faces but only one true love: the ocean.

Basically Dan Hunjas was coming across as some sort of angelic moneybags before he dropped a bomb that he wasn’t attracted to his wife, Sandy Jawanda, who just may be the most attractive woman on the planet.

He proceeded to have sex with her the following morning and this is where his behaviour really went to shit. He started disappearing for hours on end, insinuating that Sandy wasn’t active and showing off his ex-girlfriends to the other MAFS contestants to make the point of how Sandy wasn’t his “type”.

When it came time for the MAFS Commitment Ceremony that week, rather than Dan hold accountability for really despicable post-sex actions, he decided to instead use the ocean as the main obstacle he has with Sandy. That obstacle being that he’s obsessed with it and Sandy couldn’t go in it.

The best part? John shut that nonsense down quick-smart to Dan know that the love of the ocean is not an important element in a relationship.

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He went on to say that values and communication styles (and literally anything else) are more important than a shared love of the ocean. “Yeah, ok,” Dan replied, likely because there’s no way to rebut the absolute truth.

Jokes on Dan, though, because he has to live with the fact that he’s parting words on this show were: “The beach and the ocean’s calling me, I have to go home.”

Alessandra giving Harrison’s ego a check

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Remember way back when Harrison got the number of another girl while out and about with Dan? Putting to the side that SURELY Dan was also playing up (one would think, now that we know what we know), I feel like the whole storyline was all worth it just for the exchange with Alessandra on the couch that week.

At the time, Bronte Schofield basically had no dramas with the phone number situation because she thought things like this simply happen to attractive men like her MAFS husband.

“So what you’re saying is because he’s good-looking — to some people — it’s not his fault?”



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Sometimes it’s the smallest digs that hit the hardest. And it sent everyone in the room (including Bronte) as much as it did everyone at home.

Alessandra, you fucking queen. Literally.

Mel tells Tayla this isn’t a made-to-order husband service

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intruder Tayla Winter came in hot with her expectations of how her husband should be. She told the MAFS experts she had a very clear type which was a “man’s man”, something she sees as a “football guy” or “typical tradie”.

Obviously this is very backward thinking and being a tradie or into football doesn’t make you more masculine by any means, and MAFS expert Mel Schilling was quick to point out that this show doesn’t give its brides made-to-order husbands.

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Why would Tayla not just stick to Tinder where she can find plenty of tradies leaning against their cars with fishing rods and footballs? Instead, she chose to come on a show where they could choose literally anyone they wanted for her. Makes sense!

Alessandra tells Crypto Dog to not insult her intelligence

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When Adam Seed cheated on Janelle Han with Claire Nomarhas, he decided everyone and everything else needs to be blamed rather than him taking accountability.

When he tried to justify his actions by saying he was drunk, Alessandra jumped right in and put him in his place.

“Don’t insult our intelligence,” she told him in extremely queen areas.

John added salt to Adam’s self-inflicted wound by telling him that he’s just going to wind up making the same mistakes if he doesn’t start owning up to his shit.

Then, to make things even better, Adam left the Commitment Ceremony and literally not one person followed him while everyone flocked to Janelle.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.

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