Good news: we’re halfway through the experiment (thank fuck). Bad news: we’re also halfway through MAFS recaps (I’ll miss you).
Rupert is baffled that he butt-dialled his wife which is rich coming from a man who also dropped his wedding ring on the big day.
Dan feels good this morning even though Sandy moved out and heard about what he said the other night. He thinks it’s a non-event. The way he communicates is so sales speak it hurts.
The MAFS experts are happy to see Jesse and Claire walk into the dinner party hand in hand. They seem to really like each other and it’s just wild to me that you can get over someone making you look like a lemon on national television within a week. In what world?
Evelyn wastes no time telling Claire and Melinda about the butt-dial, and that Dan said his exes were better looking than Sandy.
Claire thinks Dan is 46. HAHAHAHAHA. He is 42 and if someone added four whole years to my age, I’d be livid.
Claire thinks Dan has been showing “disrespectful, gaslighing behaviour” and that’s an interesting observation, Mrs Kettle. Uh oh, now they’re telling Alyssa and we all know she’ll have opinions about this whether she’s done the same thing in her past or not.
Turns out Dan told Prince Eric (Duncan) to not tell anyone that he was out with Da Boiz.
Sandy has arrived alone and she looks damn stunning.
Evelyn is now going to tell Tayla what Hugo said on the butt-dial and I too would love to know.
Hugo laughs it off and says that he complained about the first two weeks with his wife and that’s all.
“Bullshit. Hugo, tell the truth now, please. Don’t make me go there,” Evelyn says. We need more Evelyns.
He tells her to “absolutely go there” in a way that shows he is not scared of what he said.
“You said you couldn’t stand her and you called her a cu-next Tuesday,” Evelyn claims.
Hugo should have been very, very scared of what he said.
Now I want to be clear before I fling around cunt jokes for the rest of this MAFS recap. Calling someone a cunt is vulgar, degrading and vile, especially (but not only) when a man calls a woman this. It’s insulting and never justified. Capeesh?
Hugo says he doesn’t “think” he called her that and Jesse is LIVING for this.
“So you did not say you would rather ANY other wife but Tayla?” Evelyn asks.
“Yeah I did say that when I was pretty drunk,” Hugo confirms. Hahaha, wanna blame the vape and maybe even Janelle while you’re at it, mate?
Tayla is pretty upset and reckons “Hugo wouldn’t know how to hump air”, whatever the fuck that means.
“I know that I’m blunt but I tell the truth,” Tayla tells Hugo. “And I have not said anything bad about you, I’ve had your back, even though you’re probably the most fucking annoying person I’ve ever met in my entire life.”
First thing’s first: she has definitely said bad things about him. Second: she has quite literally not had his back nor cared about it to make him sleep by a window. Third: I can’t confirm if Hugo is annoying just yet but I am CRYING over her saying that to his face. So’s Jesse:
“I’ve hurt his pride. I’ve attacked his masculinity,” Tayla assumes.
She thinks that he’s acting out because of the sleeping arrangements and no physical activity, and the fact that she basically called him a goat. But they’re saved by the bell that is Tahnee and Ollie!
LOL this all happened at Opera Bar and the only way this would be funnier is if it was at Coogee Pav. Hugo is stressed and please don’t break out into hives, babe.
He recalls complaining but not calling his wife a C-U-N-T.
He said he would believe the accusation if it was him calling her a B-I-T-C-H and um, neither are great, my highland goat.
Hugo is now ranting about Dan, likely to take the heat off himself in a very strategic yet unhinged move. He says Dan was banging on about just going through the motions and “that’s a polite way of putting it”.
He’s not done! Hugo says Dan also said, “I can’t stand her but we just say ‘yes’ to try and make it to the end. She is the last person I’d be attracted to. She’s 100% not my type.”
Our highland goat looks like he regrets this tangent.
MAFS expert John Aiken is confused that Sandy kissed and hugged her husband Dan when he walked into the dinner party.
Ollie catches Dan up to speed, but Dan doesn’t think anything bad was said. Idiot.
Evelyn dives right in and tells Dan to own up to his shitty behaviour. Dan plays dumb and says he told the boys about his “misalignment” with Sandy.
“Somehow I don’t think you’re going to tell the truth here Dan,” Evelyn snaps. Fuck she’s good.
Why does Dan look so evil? Even without a plastic water bottle in his hand?
Dan says Rupert asked if he has a type and in case we all didn’t know by this point, “That type is someone who’s quite active.”
I. PHYSICALLY. CANNOT.
“Someone who’s into, you know, fitness.”
Thanks Dad, we know what “active” means even though we’ve never heard it used and abused this much since you came into our lives.
“Sounds like Sandy,” Claire says. Clearly he doesn’t know squat about his wife.
“Cut the shit,” says Evelyn.
Dan says he had no “ill intent” only to be reminded by Evelyn that she heard the whole damn butt-dial.
Dan asks Evelyn what time the conversation was, which is irrelevant but anyway.
She says it was between eight and nine (is this not too early to be that drunk?) but Dan reckons he wasn’t even there at that time and decides to bring Prince Eric into it for some reason.
“You just shouldn’t talk about your partner in a derogatory way where they’re not there,” Duncan says. I mean you probably shouldn’t do it when they’re physically there too, but go off, human.
Now Dan would like to ask Prince Eric about the “tonality” he used at Opera Bar. Prince Eric says that both Dan and Hugo could’ve had a nicer approach to talking about their wives.
Now Dan is accusing Evelyn of “fabricating” the butt-dial and I’m not going to lie, it’s a pretty convenient mistake to have happened. Do I think Evelyn heard what she heard? Yes. Do I think Rupert called her on purpose? Also yes.
Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) has thoughts and doesn’t believe that Dan should be “crucified” for having a type.
“It’s a boys club. Why don’t you all just go and butt-fuck each other?” Claire asks. Woah!
It’s Hugo’s turn to try and weasel his way out of the butt-dial.
He says he doesn’t remember calling Tayla a cunt (even though he probably thought it). He blames being drunk because Crypto Bro (Adam) isn’t here to do that anymore.
Ollie says Hugo said he’d rather be with any other wife but Tayla. But apparently there are other times Hugo spoke highly of the woman who more or less called him a goat. Hugoat.
Meanwhile, Alyssa and Prince Eric are having energiser bunny sex which makes me sad, namely because I am not Alyssa.
Even Bronte and Bunnings Daddy are having “hot sex”, but this one does not make me sad, namely because I think the clit would never be found.
Dan takes Sandy aside and rattles off some BS about hearing her, seeing her, and feeling her because he learned it in a Sales 101 class. Now he’s saying he wants to spend more time with her and do something “active” together.
They’ve returned to the table only for Dan to out-Dan himself.
“We did have a beautiful, intimate moment this week,” he says. “Sandy and I had sex.”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Sandy explains to producers that sharing intimate details is a boundary and betrayal for her. Dan continues to tell the table that their sex was “nice” and I truly hope no one has even described sleeping with me as “nice”.
Sandy tells Dan that he’s making her feel like she’s not good enough. But Dan? Oh! He reckons he is putting in effort and that would require you to be at home for more than one hour a day, sunshine.
Evelyn’s back in fine form. “Dan I heard you say you don’t give a shit, you don’t need to be here,” she tells him.
He repeats this back to her to buy some time. “Maybe I did say that,” he eventually replies.
Evelyn asks him for a chat and I am HOWLING watching him trying to bullshit our blunt queen.
Dan tells Evelyn he loves Sandy and she calls him out on it. “As a person,” he clarifies.
She slaps his wrist one final time by reminding him that this isn’t the way you treat someone if you love them.
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR EVELYN, PEOPLE. The queen we didn’t know we needed. See you for the next MAFS recap where Dan will hopefully cop it big time.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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