EVERYONE. It’s the last episode. I’m not one to self-congratulate (jokes, I love it) but I need a fucking medal for recapping an entire 36 episodes of this MAFS shit.
We’re reflecting on the MAFS wedding days when some people were stupid enough to think they’d actually find love. Also on the time when Disney Daddy (Josh) almost shat himself.
So many memories! Hugoat! Inaudible mumbling! False hope!
Ollie and Tahnee are up first and they’re in love!
Yay! Lyndall is Nicole Kidman levels of happy for them.
That is literally all to report from our golden couple before ocean-fucker Dan and Sandy take the couch.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling wastes no time telling them how disappointed she is in their shit excuse of a relationship.
Sandy thinks Dan didn’t come onto MAFS with the right intentions. Dan disagrees! Categorically! Hand on heart!
The butt-dial is brought up yet again because MAFS expert John Aiken would like to “examine that in greater depth”.
Thoughts and prayers for Hugoat (Hugo) because the MAFS experts are playing his voxie where he reveals some of the cooked shit Dan said about Sandy.
SCREAMING. This poor man copping the blame for something someone else said. Yes he dogged the boys but you can’t dog the boys if there’s nothing to dog them over.
“Stop looking at Hugo, I know what you’re doing,” Sandy tells Dan. “Stop intimidating him.”
Oh wow, Sandy is GOING IN. I love it.
“To be honest, I kind of led the charge with having my big rant and my big vent,” Hugoat tells John. “The guys kind of supported me and Dan, you mentioned that it’s friends at first sight and stuff like that and you might’ve felt a bit hard done by.”
Like every other idiot on this show, Dan does “not recall” saying the things he’s being accused of.
John is not having a bar of it and says Dan saying he doesn’t recall only suggests that it could’ve happened.
We’re moving on from the butt-dial. Once and for all? TBC.
Sandy is revisiting how fucked the events that followed her and Dan sleeping together were.
“You made me feel like shit,” Sandy tells Dan.
“The night before, before we went to bed, he was saying things like, ‘I don’t understand why you only want to get intimate in the dark, I’m not vibing with this, Sandy. I date girls who walk around in skimpy clothes.”
Oh my fucking god. Disgusting. This proves nothing other than the fact women likely date him for his bank account alone.
He is denying this (the comments Sandy made, not the suggestion that being rich is his only personality trait).
John doesn’t want to hear “no” from Dan anymore because he’s been tallying it up in the background and decided 733 nos is far too many nos.
“It dismisses her, it invalidates her opinion, her feelings, and it makes her feel small and insignificant.” John schools him. “It’s got to stop.”
Dan didn’t realise he was no-ing about town so it’s a good thing 2023 is the year of realising stuff.
John is proud of Sandy for taking the risk to be here. For love! We must do it.
NEXT.
Melinda and Layton. I’d think they were alternating successful couples and failure couples if this wasn’t the last successful couple. Two out of twelve, people.
Melinda is quickly reminded of the judgey toad she was on her wedding day. “Just a little bit,” she laughs.
Yuck imagine watching yourself kiss on TV.
The MAFS experts are proud that they pushed through hating each other to instead love each other. John, in particular, is proud of Layton’s resilience given he savaged his boardroom chat every damn week.
Melinda and Layton have set an agenda to go through all the things that make them fight including but not limited to cupboard doors and Harrison. Good luck to our power couple.
NEXT.
Alright Lyndall and Cam are up so hide your wives, hide your phones and hide your judgemental mums.
They’re still struggling to look at each other which tells us nothing considering they couldn’t even do that when they liked each other.
Cam is irritated that he has to share his feelings on the couch again. LOL.
Cam has loved being home and away from Lyndall and the experiment. LOL.
The MAFS experts think reminding these two blondies that they used to have sex might be fun.
Now they’re showing the brewing Dickmance between Tayla and Cam throughout the experiment, and how it conveniently coincided with Lyndall and Cam’s relationship issues.
You know what still sends me? Cam’s face when he tells Lyndall she’s probably insecure:
Lyndall is sad watching their relationship back and seeing how affectionate he was in the beginning. Cam? He thinks he felt pressured to be affectionate because of the experiment.
“I think affection and intimacy, especially affection, all flows naturally when you’re going down the path of falling in love with someone,” he says.
“And I’m sorry to say, but I just wasn’t.”
Lyndall thinks he’s full of shit because he was plenty affection during their MAFS honeymoon. I must agree.
The MAFS experts imply that they want to talk about the DickTime. But they don’t need to clarify because Cam has jumped in to do that.
“I got me dick out. At the nightclub.”
FUAAARRRKK.
“Yes, so we understand,” Mel replies. The difference in eloquence levels is stark. “Thanks for sharing!” she tells him.
JOHN IS LIVID.
Mel would prefer to learn about Cam’s relationship with Tayla, not his dick. They’d also like to know why he was on DickTime with Tayla in the first place.
“I really like Cam, as a friend,” Tayla says.
“We get along really well. There’s not much to it. He’s up in Darwin, I’m down in Tassie. It hasn’t been explored yet,” she continues.
Homegirl gone and stepped in it.
“Not that it is going to be explored!” she tries to correct herself.
Look, she might’ve gotten away with this one if her reaction wasn’t, um, this:
Can we talk about Tayla’s hair going into Layton’s face?
I hope he copped some in the mouth.
If your gob is permanently open like that, these things will happen to you.
“I didn’t mean to say that,” she laughs. Then Rupert butts in (audibly for once):
“I said that if Cam was in Tassie, then perhaps, but he’s not,” she clarifies.
“Nail in the coffin” Cam reckons. The eloquence. I live.
Cam maintains that “the core of the issue” with Lyndall and him is that he just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
“I so wish that we’d all known that,” Alessandra Rampolla reprimands him.
“So why did you stay as long as you did?” Alessandra asks. Valid fucking question that I too would like answered.
In summary: Cam does not give a shit about anything and therefore Lyndall would like Cam to do better, be better and have some “fucking integrity”.
In other news, Melissa thinks Lyndall is going to be the change we want to see in the world.
NEXT.
Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan) are up and she seems in better spirits, doesn’t she?!
It’s been a long intermission between the Alessandra and Alyssa showdown, but we’re back on.
“Have you had a chance to reflect on what happened last night and process all of that emotion?” Alessandra asks Alyssa. If there was an answer to this question I missed it.
Duncan thinks Alyssa came at his character by telling him to take his mask off.
Layton, I do not want to see it, you were literally there.
Alyssa felt like she didn’t know who Prince Eric was because he pulled the pin on their relationship after telling her he wanted to work through it.
Duncan disagrees. “That is not fair. Relationships are not black and white,” he says.
We’re playing the tapes back to be reminded of all the times Alyssa told us she had a child.
She is sad watching this back because it sucks to see a relationship crumble before your very eyes. She was very hopeful and is self-aware enough to know that she could’ve done better in the relationship.
“I do regret a lot of things through this experiment and I never wanted to hurt Duncan so I really am sorry,” she says.
He says some more predictably perfect things. To the point now where I’m like… shut up I don’t believe you.
She hopes he finds his person.
It’s our last couple. Thanks fuck.
I hate bubble dresses, sorry not sorry, Claire.
They’re being cute straight away so I think we know what we’re in for: a total stitch up. Why did they not change the edit after they trashed each other publicly?
Claire is grateful she was matched with someone like Jesse who could give her a chance after being gaslit, publicly humiliated, disrespected and cheated on. Uh, yeah, that’s like the perfect outcome, sis.
They’re watching the tapes back and my heart is really breaking for Jesse having to digest this all over again.
Remember when Claire made him feel crazy for suspecting something? When she made him feel needy and insecure? ROUGH.
It’s hard enough to play back events like this in your own head let alone actually seeing it on a big screen.
We’re all very sad watching this back. Even Mum and Dad!
We’ve moved onto their recovery phase now, which was short-lived thanks to that stripper tradie dude (who we miraculously haven’t heard from tonight).
Claire is disgusted in herself. Honestly? Good. I would be too. But I also wouldn’t do it.
Adam’s also had time to think about the damage he’s caused. He understands he did Janelle and Jesse dirty. Well done, I guess?
Jesse accepts Adam’s apology but doesn’t want to be his future bestie.
What has Jesse learnt for this MAFS experience? To trust his intuition. Dead.
Also that he’s a better guy than a good guy. I live!
Claire regrets hooking up with Adam. I’d regret that even if I was single, sober and vapeless.
Claire says she loves Jesse as a person which feels like a friend- zone speech IMO.
He doesn’t have any parting words for Claire because she’s coming to Perth?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
THEY HATE EACH OTHER NOW?
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THE REUNION AND NOW?
I truly need to know.
Anyway, that’s fucking it. If you need me, I’ll be asleep and poor until MAFS returns in 2024. I appreciate you for joining me on this journey for yet another year.
I’ll probably do some other shit on my Instagram or TikTok until then, if you care. No hard feelings if you don’t.
