Our first Married At First Sight Commitment Ceremony. Christ. If you thought the other MAFS recaps up until this point were cooked, this will likely do a number on you. I hope.
It’s “decision day” and why do we pretend that anyone from the MAFS cast would leave before they gained at least 10K Instagram followers? You’re no one until your double digits, right? (I, also, am no one.)
Speaking of influence, Tahnee has made the team at Mermade Hair very happy after Ollie told her she looks like a… mermaid on national TV.
Christ Prince Eric (Duncan), put a shirt on.
Disney Daddy (Josh) is protecting his penis while he and Horny Mum (Melissa) try and move forward from their last argument.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) are arguing again and save it for the couch, kids. Meanwhile, Shannon is living proof that exes really do take a toll on you.
Jesse has also taken on a different form with not one, but two (!!!) man buns. He looks like a hipster dinosaur.
It’s time for the MAFS brides and grooms to check in with Da Boiz and Da Galz ahead of the MAFS Commitment Ceremony. No seriously, can someone check on Shannon?
Lyndall isn’t going to hang out with Da Galz prior because she knows something! She heard something that she’s going to tell everyone at the MAFS Commitment Ceremony!
“If I said nothing, I would feel guilty about this forever,” she tells producers. Oh fuck, Channel Nine are going to wait until the last three minutes to reveal this, aren’t they?
In they come.
Jesse and Claire are first to the Couch of Ouch? Great! Alessandra tells them they are “lukewarm” and oh my word, Lyndall is STRESSED.
Jesse has gone straight in to relay the story of Crypto Bro (Adam) and Claire. If there is a story? Crypto Bro’s telling Jesse that he’s paranoid.
Lyndall is not functioning.
“Adam!” she interrupts him. “I’m sorry,” she continues. “I really need to hear from Jesse what happened.”
Jesse continues to tell us all what we already learned in the last MAFS recap.
“I was on the phone to my best friend, Ash, who you met at the wedding, and her boyfriend, Nick, who live together,” Claire tells Jesse, all smug-like.
Claire reckons that couple on the phone is looking after her dog, so they were having a convo. Whether it was about the dog is unknown. I hope it’s a corgi.
“Yep, cool, so why couldn’t you tell me that in the moment?” Jesse asks. I mean, sure.
Claire says he was “elevated” — well his hair sure is tonight — and demanding.
Jesse says that when he thought it was Crypto Bro, he “saw red” and went to knock on Janelle and Crypto Bro’s door.
“I said something along the lines of, ‘Who the BLEEP were you on the phone to BLEEP’” I can only imagine the bleeps were “fuck” and “cunt”. The only reason I think this is because of the reactions.
Lyndall! U k sis? Fucking hell.
Lyndall’s ready to say something!
Well, actually, she’s not because she requires a pep talk from the entire room.
“I don’t think Jesse is entirely wrong in what he assumed,” she starts saying, making it known that she still disagrees with the way he went about it (e.g. likely calling Crypto Bro a cunt).
“That night we were all having fun and I may have misheard and it might’ve been a joke but I did hear, when I picked up my things to go, Adam turned to me and he said, ‘Don’t go. You know that if you go, I’m gonna go home with Claire,.”
I love that she can’t even look at anyone when she says this.
Janelle? Not impressed.
Jesse? Impressed.
Claire? Uncomfortable.
Tahnee and Ollie? Children.
Crypto Bro’s convinced he wouldn’t have said something like that but Jesse’s convinced he did.
Claire thinks she should be trusted as a MAFS wife and being affectionate is just the way she is.
John tells them that they need to make a decision.
“This experiment has brought out the worst in me,” Jesse tells the MAFS experts before unveiling his “leave” decision.
He is breaking down and it’s really quite sad. Claire strokes him? She wrote stay and can someone tell her it’s not a tattoo stencil?
Like clockwork, Janelle and Crypto Bro are up. Janelle likes Crypto Bro and needs receipts before assuming anything. This non-eventful MAFS couple also had sex which is fine. They both choose to stay which is also fine.
Tahnee and Ollie are next to teach these Gen Xers wassup.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling wants to know about the first time they “clasped” eyes on each other so we’re off to a horrific start.
Fellow MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla points out the obvious which is that they have fucked. Tahnee says it’s been “maybe a little too good” ever since they popped their relationship cherry on the honeymoon. Horny Mum is controlling herself relatively well.
In the biggest shock twist of the MAFS season so far, Tahnee and Ollie both choose to stay.
Next up is Melinda and Layton and I’m weirdly keen for this? We don’t see enough of them and they seem to be getting along?
Maybe they had sex?
There it is! She confirms they did the hanky panky a few days ago. “And we have ever since,” she laughs. And Layton? He really laughs.
“The attraction just came,” she explains. “And like, it came a lot.”
They are surrounded by children but choose to stay regardless of the other eight toddlers in their presence.
Alyssa and Prince Eric. I’m bored already. Not even going to waste my finger muscles.
Dan and Sandy. They’ve been pashing.
Sandy likes him, which scares her — a fair emotion given one of their wedding guests ends up being his girlfriend.
Disney Daddy and Horny Mum. This should be interesting. I can’t wait to see what Alessandra says about this.
Horny Mum explains that she’s taken sex out of the relationship while she gets to know Disney Daddy (and what he does for work). Alessandra is worried that coitus is a big part of who Horny Mum is.
Disney Daddy tells them about what he saw in the wedding video, and how Horny Mum hoped he had a big “hammer” like Thor.
“I want you to like me for me, and not because I have a penis,” Josh says.
Look I laughed at this, probably out of discomfort, but I feel what he’s saying. There are many times where I’ve just felt like an orifice. THERE I SAID IT.
Alessandra asks Disney Daddy if he enjoyed the sex.
“Yes, yes I did,” he replies and as if you’d say no.
Mum and Dad will be staying.
Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) and Bronte‘s turn. Bronte says she’s cried lots this week and it’s been pretty shit, but Bunnings Daddy says it hasn’t been “that bad” for him if he’s “being honest”.
“I haven’t seen Bronte for a couple of weeks so it’s kind of been like a holiday,” he tells the MAFS experts.
He says being alone is better than being together because they just fight all the time.
John’s asking about what happened at the MAFS wedding and lordy, can we just move on from this already?
“I haven’t given anyone the full story of what happened while I was single coming into here,” Bunnings Daddy says. He thinks it’s no one’s business.
Oh, the girl came over to help him pack for MAFS. But he wants everyone to know that he DID NOT have sex with her. That day.
Bunnings Daddy explains that he was single before he got fake-married. “I just didn’t feel the need to be faithful to someone I didn’t even know,” he tells the MAFS experts.
Alessandra is not a fan of this man. She tells them that pink-dress Jessica is a good friend to tell Bronte the information and that it’s no wonder the 20-year-old was hopeful for a future with Bunnings Daddy given they were sleeping together right up until the wedding day.
“The place where your brain needs to be, perhaps shouldn’t be between someone else’s legs and body,” Alessandra schools him.
She asks him why he’s here if he can find love on his own. “What do you need us for?”
“I kind of resent the idea that I don’t deserve the opportunity to have a relationship because of what I was doing a week before coming into here,” Bunnings Daddy says.
Alessandra tells Bunnings Daddy that he’s been minimising his role in the demise of the relationship.
“All the drama that has ensued germinates from your choice to continue having relationships while you were applying for the experiment,” she says.
Bunnings Daddy is not happy. He thinks he’s putting in 100 per cent and Bronte’s putting in zero.
Lyndall is very vocal tonight, isn’t she? She tells Bunnings Daddy that he should feel remorse and doesn’t get to decide when Bronte feels better.
Bunnings Daddy reckons he feels bad but lol, surely he doesn’t. We all know that. John’s serving him some home truths in the most John way and Bronte is tearing up.
Bronte says that her mum didn’t raise a quitter (I hope she doesn’t vape) so she’s staying.
Harrison wrote “leave” because he doesn’t want to live alone anymore. But too bad because the rules / punishment declare that they must stay and endure this horseshit for at least one more week.
Cam and Lyndall’s turn. I’m asleep already. Wait no, Cam’s hairstyle has woken me up.
They discuss how supportive Cam has been of CF and that they’re really happy. Then they jumped on the 333.
Shannon and Caitlin. I’m so nervous I may poo.
Shannon jumps right in and says that he might still love his ex. The way John has reacted, I have a feeling Mel may have sharted over this information.
Shannon saw his ex about a week before he came onto MAFS. And he had sex with her then too.
He feels guilty! He feels like he’s wasted the MAFS experts’ time! And the MAFS cast’s! And Caitlin’s!
Melissa says Caitlin deserves more than crumbs.
Poor Caitlin has been in this position before. Haven’t we all! She was cheated on with her partner’s ex.
“It’s like being slapped with all my traumas at once.”
Caitlin thinks Shannon wants to leave his ex in the past but John’s chins have a different opinion.
John needs to talk now. Great! I love it when he talks because a lot of the time, it means that he takes his index finger off his forehead for a hot minute.
“Two guys that have applied for an experiment that over 10,000 people have put their hands up for and a week before coming in, you’re hanging out with an ex. That is unacceptable,” John says.
If they’d told the MAFS experts? Their answer would’ve been “not a chance”.
“It’s selfish behaviour, it’s disrespectful. It is beyond belief that we’re sitting in an experiment where we’re matching people who are with other women before the experiment’s started,” John continues.
“You’re saying ‘I wanna fall in love with someone who’s gonna give up everything to be here’ and you’re not 100 per cent committed to it.”
“That’s bullshit,” Bunnings Daddy chimes in. Omg amazing television tonight.
“I made that commitment the minute I walked down the aisle,” Bunnings Daddy chirps.
John tells him they wouldn’t be here if they’d known: “And the fact that you can’t see this Harrison, is a big problem.”
John wants Shannon to bite the bullet and make the call on what he wants. He chooses to stay because he is a lemon and Caitlin also chooses to stay?
John tells ’em to suck it up and figure their shit out. Intimacy Week next week, fam! Or Fucc week! See you for the next MAFS recap.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
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