It’s MAFS Commitment Ceremony time and I can’t wait for Crypto Dog (Adam) and Claire to get ripped a new one.
MAFS intruders Evelyn and Rupert are being awkward in the lead-up to their first Commitment Ceremony and I think Tayla still hates Hugo. Janelle is still very confused about her husband who is a “barking dog who doesn’t shut up”.
What’s going on with Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan)? You can cut through the tension with a kettle.
Claire is contemplating her life choices while drinking a coffee for ants.
Jesse is reading the letter from Claire. Probably for the 17th time. Is she scared that he will write leave and John Aiken will go against the rules yet again and let him go?
Janelle wants to sit next to Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) and that can only mean one thing: she’s lost her fucking mind along with her standards. Joking! I wouldn’t sit next to my cheating-dog husband either.
But now they can’t use Bunnings Daddy as a pillow fort because Janelle and Crypto Dog are up on the Ouch Couch first. It’s awkward mostly because MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla is essentially wearing the same thing as the MAFS bride.
Janelle is quickly in tears. Alessandra asks Crypto Dog why he cares more about Jesse than his own wife.
Crypto Dog says he was drunk and Alessandra asks him to please not insult their intelligence.
Lyndall says Crypto Dog hit on someone else when he left the bar.
“I’m a flirty guy, alright?” he tells the room and yuck please never be in the same venue as me.
Sandy has seen damning messages from Crypto Dog and Alyssa is having fun being a kettle. MAFS expert John tells Crypto Dog he makes shit choices and he’ll continue to make shit choices if he doesn’t start owning up to said shit choices.
Janelle wrote leave in the biggest leave I ever did see.
Adam also chose to leave because he doesn’t want to hurt Janelle any more. How noble of him. He walks off because he can’t hack the pressure that he brought onto himself. Farewell, pest.
No one follows him and everyone supports Janelle. Lol.
Prince Eric says he and Alyssa aren’t good anymore. Alyssa is crying because she may have lost a Disney Prince. If I disappointed someone who not only looked like that but spoke up about toxic masculinity, I too would be shitty with myself.
“I don’t understand how he could still be in contact with Adam after knowing what Adam did to Janelle and knowing what Adam did to Jesse,” she says. Did she expect everyone to cut contact with her when she had an affair with someone else’s husband for several months? Truly, I’d love to know.
Prince Eric proves he is an angel once again by handling the situation perfectly when he very well could just say she’s a… hypocrite.
Layton and Melinda are up and this chick needs more airtime. He is falling for her and Mel can’t see her life without him. She likes him to piss hard and fast. They stay.
Tahnee and Ollie are up and they’re both staying, duh.
Bunnings Daddy comes to the couch alone and surely this is an ideal situation for him? MAFS expert John said earlier that Bronte was sick, which is why she’s not here tonight.
“She goes through a lot more at that time of the month,” Bunnings Daddy says.
SURELY. FUCKING NOT.
He says he’s not a voice for “endo-do-metriosis” (not a word / condition) or “a woman’s biological functions”.
OH MY GOD. I am screaming. He is smiling like a child. Is this for real?
“She’s in a lot of pain and gets very emotional and crying,” Bunnings Daddy says while… tearing up? Is… he crying? What the fuck is happening.
He says it’s very hard to see her “like that”and I’m not sure what I just watched but they both chose to stay.
Rupert says he feels chemistry with Evelyn and where when how? Super boring areas but they both stay to try and figure out how to have a conversation.
Dan is going for six-hour runs so Sandy would like him to be at home a bit more. He’s missing the sun, sand and surf which feels like a motivational quote in an Airbnb but go off Daddy Dan. You can afford it, no doubt.
John says they seem like just mates, if that. Dan says he’s not sexually attracted to Sandy right now. He says that sexual chemistry isn’t there because the sexual tension needs to build? Um. It’s been three weeks?
They both choose to stay but I don’t have much hope. Sandy is pretty upset because hearing someone isn’t attracted to you is the worst shit ever.
Tayla and Hugo are up and kill me now because these two are cooked.
She’s pissed off because Hugo called her “adorable and cute”. She would prefer to be called “smart” and “quick” and “driven” and something tells me that would’ve pissed her off too.
She takes about 30 minutes to answer whether or not she’s attracted to him which says it all, really.
“My type was definitely football guys and you know, typical tradies,” she says.
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling says she does not create made-to-order grooms.
Tayla’s annoyed that she laughs at his jokes but they both choose to stay.
Lyndall and Cam are up and Lyndall is about to lose herself in the moment, she owns it she better never let it go.
Cam wouldn’t hug Lyndall because he felt pressured by Lyndall’s mum to do exactly that. Are they five years old? Why is another generation asking them to hug? Why was Lyndall’s mum there? Isn’t that meant to be a part of the show, like, later down the track?
Lyndall is crying because she feels un-huggable.
John tells Cameron it’s a cop-out and who the fuck is Cameron?
“I should’ve just done the hug, but I didn’t,” he says.
Why are we having a discussion about a hug that never happened? This is a really stupid moment for this program and I’ve seen dumb shit on it, trust me.
He promises to pull the head out of his ass and give his wife hugs. They stay.
Jesse and Claire are up.
Jesse looks like a tradie in that shirt, no? Except with highlighter yellow instead of mustard and with electric blue instead of black? OK I guess it’s nothing like it.
Everyone attacks Claire for lying. Sandy tells Alyssa, the hypocrite, that Claire has come forward and held herself accountable and what the fuck more does she want? I have to agree here. Stop flogging the cheating horse.
Claire starts crying and please don’t vomit, sis. Your throat scares me.
Claire is hyper-conscious about Jesse still caring about her. He says he can give Claire his forgiveness and friendship but he has to do right by himself, so he’s leaving. Power to Jesse.
Claire chose to stay to try and earn back Jesse’s trust. But she doesn’t want him to feel like he has to stay if he doesn’t want to. She wants to make him feel like he’s deserving and worthy.
He feels “a bit grumpy” about the whole thing. He’s “exhausted” even though Claire might still have gas in the tank. “I don’t have the same steam,” he explains. He’s a shell of a human because he’s been humiliated like this before.
John commends Jesse for maintaining kindness. Word. This is sweet. John wants him to stay to see what happens.
Was it just me or was that MAFS Commitment Ceremony… boring?
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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