Rancid Tim would like to fix the fact that he told his wife, Sara, to relax and then gaslighted her by saying he didn’t tell her to relax. He apologises, she apologises (unsure what for) and then they engage in a consensual hug.
Time for a new MAFS 2024 couple! Our first bloke — and I say that intentionally — is 51-year-old Timothy who considers himself a 4/10 with an (apparently) great personality. Of course someone who works in sales would say that.
He got a new tattoo recently of the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz because he protects himself by pretending he doesn’t have a heart. Doll, you would not be alive without one of those.
Sadly Timothy has lost both of his parents and his brother, meaning he has no immediate family who are still alive, which is just so incredibly heartbreaking.
Timothy is being paired with the one and only Lucinda Light whose biggest fears walking into a relationship are not emotions but sharing “the shitter”.
“That is not sexy to me,” she tells MAFS expert John Aiken.
Lucinda reckons she is just as “earthy” as she is “spiritual” and “a bogan” — in fact, she is “all the things” and wants to give Australia “the best love story ever.”
I too would like her to give us that but first she has written a poem to the matchmakers which includes but is not limited to asking for a husband with a “high-functioning erection”.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling thinks Lucinda is the Dorothy to Timothy’s Tin Man and I may vomit even though she could be right.
Next MAFS wedding will include Jack from the Gold Coast. He is a personal trainer with a man bun and undercut, so sadly I hate him already and not just because he reminds me of something rhyming with Shmarrison.
Jack considers himself an alpha who likes to control situations, and in bed he is a self-proclaimed “dominant lover”. Heaven help us. He’s not vanilla but more like a mixed-flavours Cold Rock ice cream, it seems.
He thinks he’s not a fuckboy because he’s in his thirties but personal experience tells me that this is what fuckboys say right before they do fuckboy things.
They’re pairing Jack with Tori — another control freak — because they need to ruin at least one couple’s lives on purpose.
But control and a raging sex life aren’t the only thing Jack excels at — he’s also a demon for canned tuna and look, in a financial crisis, same.
It’s MAFS 2024 wedding time!
Tin Man Timothy is nervous about being paired with someone who meditates so it’s a good thing they paired him with a tree-hugging, meditating, earthy, soulful namaste-er from Byron Bay.
Anyway Lucinda is walking down the aisle radiating all things positivity and meditation while having a good ol’ perve on Tin Man Timothy’s ass.
He turns around — obstructing any previous anal view — and says “holy shit”. I haven’t decided if it’s a “wow, she’s stunning” which would be the correct response, or if he’s scared of her headwear.
It’s very awkward.
Tin Man Timothy soon finds out Lucinda is from Byron Bay and that a chicken may have been sacrificed for their nuptials.
When the storm erupts he is excited to get the fuck outta there and heavens to betsey, I hope a labour doesn’t also erupt on the TV screen.
The whole bloody wedding is washed out and of course Lucinda sees the positive in it, but before long the sun’s back out and another sacrificial chicken is whipped out in time for vows.
They kiss and it’s quite sweet even though I feel like this could be a dumpster fire.
Tori is about to walk down the aisle to Jack, but is worried about the telling facials her family might make.
Turns out Tori needed to be more worried about mum eye-fucking Jack over his probably-fake teeth.
Tori has walked down the aisle, everyone seems happy, and mum and daughter and battling out who gets to eat tuna with Jack for eternity.
He says all the right things but I’m not fucking buying it. He says he will “sort her out”, which is a good indication that this man will be both backward and a damn nightmare.
All of Jack’s friends are clients (I’m guessing of the gym variety) and Tori’s bestie Lea smells brine-flavoured red flags because he doesn’t appear to have any real friends. Only those he’s financially obligated to associate with.
Meanwhile, during Lucinda and Tin Man Timothy’s wedding photos, Tin Man Timohty does not like touching his wife’s forehead but Lucinda is loving life.
“I hope we have a beautiful, sensual, steamy, exciting love life,” Lucinda says and I need to hang out with this woman so I can extend my vocabulary.
She also wants to take in his “quintessence” which is, in fact, a legitimate word in the dictionary.
She asks him where his family is to which he replies with potentially the most heart-dropping moment I’ve ever watched on this show:
“Unfortunately mum who was my best friend, passed away 17 years ago, along with my little brother. I lost dad about six weeks ago,” Tin Man Timothy reveals in his wedding speech, and it’s remarkable that he holds himself together during this.
He said after losing his dad, he realised he was alone. I am no-joke bawling.
“I think he’s really brave,” Lucinda tells producers.
“She’s a good person,” he says.
They have cute little pecks by the fire and it’s quite sweet. Look I really hope it works but I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t.
Over at Tori and Jack’s wedding, Tori’s bestie Lea is overcome by a weird feeling about Jack. She shares the “orange flags” with Tori, saying that there’s something reserved about him.
“For me, it’s like, ‘Why is everyone here a client of yours?’” Lea tells Tori.
But Tori has orange flags too, OK! She didn’t even ask what gym Jack PTs at! SHE’S A MONSTER.
Jack continued to say some fucked up shit to his contracted friends like that he’ll lead her the right way because she’s younger than him. The music tells me he is en route to ruin her life.
First though, they’re off to Vanuatu because nothing gets the juices flowing like some exposed torsos.
It is revealed that although Jack is “kinky” like Mr Grey, he is not kinky for Tori, who he has been vertically making out with during their honeymoon.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Follow her on Instagram here.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.