Hello and welcome back to another MAFS Australia recap, where tonight we basically watch two people impregnate each other with their eyes.

The second MAFS episode kicks off with Brent and Tamara (Ballarat Paris Hilton) waking up as husband and devil for the first time. Unsurprisingly, it seems they slept separately and that Brent’s dreams of being Little Spoon remain unrealised. They have, however, progressed to the level of pet names. She is “Cupcake”. He is “Underwhelming” (but yet to hear it to his face).

mafs australia recap
can u ever just be whelmed?

The match-made-in-hell are still hung up on the upside-down knife saga from their wedding reception, but Brent feels sexual chemistry brewing as a result of their undying hatred toward one another.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
Hate-fucking: it’s a thing

I can’t argue with this one – I’ve despised a lot of people before I dated them.

Meanwhile MILF Selin has forgotten she got married and overnight, has decided DILF Anthony is a bit much in the gentlemen department, and that she can, in fact, feed herself with her big adult hands.

mafs recap 2022
humour me daddy

Anthony is also wearing a Bintang shirt which is concerning.

mafs anthony 2022
gimme the Arak

I hope his board shorts aren’t below-the-knee.

Domenica has been paired with a guy named Jack, who I can hardly remember from last night’s MAFS episode. Domenica is called Princess Bogan by her friends, and look if she’s a fan of it, which she says she is, I have no choice but to call her that too. We delve deeper into her divorce after two whole months of being married, but all good! She’s ready for love with a man with a dog!

mafs domenica 2022
leashes do it 4 me

Well what do you know, Jack has a dog! He’s been told he’s “nice”,  which is 100% what you call someone when you can’t think of a more interesting adjective to describe them. I don’t make the rules.

jack mafs 2022
nice

Next pairing is the objectively hot Ella and the objectively hot Mitch. Ella’s 27 and has been single for nine years, but she’s dated a few deadbeats throughout said decade.

Mitch doesn’t like nightclubs or festivals, reckons he’s not confident, and is super skeptical about the experts and this whole show. Wild behaviour! We cop the same shirtless shots of Mitch as we did last MAFS episode, which is OK based off the fact that his board shorts aren’t below-the-knee.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
i’ll allow it

In Mitch’s 1:1 with John Aiken, they bro-down about why someone this pretty is on a show like this.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
o really u need our help

Over to Princess Bogan and Nice guy Jack’s wedding, he reacts to seeing her for the first time with not one, but two rows of teeth!

mafs jack 2022 australia
*smiles in nice*

That’s joy if I ever did see it. She reckons he’s perfect too. They’re both vegetarians! Both Italians! Both love dogs!

Okay, what the fuck. There is a little dog in a little tux and it’s a lot.

dog mafs 2022
move bitch get out the way

It makes their love of dogs an acceptable storyline for the show for this reason, and this reason alone.

dog mafs wedding aus
break his heart and i break u

The objectively hot Mitch and Ella meet at the end of the aisle and can’t stop listing all the objectively hot things that they like about one another, including but not limited to: smile, height, “great figure”, grooming, eyes and scent. You could cut the sexual tension with an upside-down butter knife.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
les bone
MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
hehe ok

Mitch gets down on one knee and proposes to her during the ceremony, which is weird given he was able to fully bypass this step by doing the show? Someone hand the pretty boy a manual.

They go straight in for the pash during the photoshoot, and make it super awkward for the photographer who got the shot five hours ago.

mafs photographer mafs recaps 2022
i dont get paid enough for this shit

Why do I feel like I’m watching two teenagers? I’m not comfortable.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
an appetiser for l8er hun

Back over at Princess Bogan and Nice Guy, is it just me or are we starting to feel sibling vibes up in here? She’s hung up on the meaning of “M” as she had a psychic vision of the letter, and concludes that it’s because he lives in Miller’s Point.

And because his surname is Miller. And because they’re on a show called MAFS. And because they’re having Macca’s for their morning after breakfast.

domenica mafs 2022
M for marriage!! For man!!!

They also have a sneaky pash on their photoshoot, which is fine.

Princess Bogan is overly worried about dropping the Divorce bomb. But hear me out, if you’re worried about what people will think about you being married before, it might not be the best idea to do that on national television, for all your future husbands to see? Just a thought.

The objectively hot couple continue to talk about how objectively hot each other are over the dinner table, and that’s about it.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
is ya carpet groomed like the curtains

There was some mention of being into personality but I’m not buying it. She’s starting to catch feelings based off how badly she wants to root, so naturally is cynical about it all.

Princess Bogan takes mum to the side to tell her about the D-bomb, but mum is too busy planning their entire futures together and talking about what a good spawn she’s created.

mafs jack mum
“have i told u about that time we went to Jamberoo?”

Back to the eye-fucking, Ella FaceTimes her mate to tell her how good her husband smells, and stops trusting him based off how perfect he looks and smells.

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
babe if it ain’t Lynx Africa it ain’t it

He says he’s done Tinder etc but hasn’t found anything substantial over it, but she can’t hear anything over the overriding desire to get him naked. I’m not sure I’m meant to feel this horny watching a primetime TV show?

MAFS Recap: Two Objectively Hot People Refrain From Rooting For 90 Schlong Minutes
*Manifests boyfriend dick*

I’m also not sure I want them to work out as much as I want them to just bump their pretties. But we may have to endure the MA15+ teasing a little longer, because Ella’s got a three-day rule, even if Mitch does have a torso without hair follicles.

mafs australia recap
baby seal, reporting for duty

Does anyone feel like these two are going to baby seal the deal, only to find out they have shit all in common? Can’t wait to see this all unfold.

mafs australia recap
lololol i’m not that kinda girl

Back to more substantial relationship development, Princess Bogan finds a way to ditch her new mother-in-law and find a moment alone with her husband. She did it. The baggage bandaid is off. There’s a pretty deafening silence but he proceeds to act exactly as a nice guy would.

mafs australia recap
imma be so nice to you later

But… also how I feel any person would and should react to it? My first question would be how much money they wasted on the wedding, out of sheer curiosity. But I guess I’d do the standup things if MAFS cameramen were hovered around me too?

And that’s that. A fairly non-eventful episode with two hot people having the hots for one another and a mum gas-bagging about her great her procreation skills are.

Tomorrow night on MAFS we’ll witness some more marriages, followed by honeymoons and that damned honesty box, which will likely ruin lives. In the meanwhile, here’s hoping the objectively hot people have objectively good bangs.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.

Image: Channel Nine