Everything You Need To Know About The Shit-Hot Features & Eye-Watering Price Of The iPhone 14

iphone 14
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Apple has officially unveiled the iPhone 14 — the shiny new toy in the company’s lengthy list of devices. So what makes it so special? What colours does it come in? How many dollarydoos will the devices set you back? Don’t worry, we’ve got you sorted, but without all the technical jargon that scares the kids.

The geniuses from Apple unveiled a boatload of new products during a massive fuck-off event on Wednesday (super early Thursday for us Aussies) coming later this year. They are the iPhone 14, iPhone 14 Plus, iPhone 14 Pro, iPhone 14 Pro Max, Apple Watch Series 8, Apple Watch Ultra, Apple Watch SE and AirPods Pro 2nd. So yeah, a lot going on.

Here’s your four-minute explainer on the new iPhones and what they can do:

New iPhone 14 Functions:

Get excited friends, cos’ the iPhone 14 will have a longer battery life than… the iPhone 13. You didn’t think we were getting Nokia-brick phone levels of decades-long battery life, did you?

The camera will reportedly take sexier pictures in “bad lighting” and will also take said pictures faster. Never miss a concert moment that you want to capture again.

Apple is also making a bold step into the future by removing the SIM card for something called an “eSIM”. Goodbye physical SIM, I will absolutely not miss you.

The most exciting feature though is the Emergency SOS satellite function that will allow you to have phone service just by pointing to the skies. Finally, I can update Grindr from the middle of the Simpson Desert!

Apple has nixed the notch (that black space at the top) that they should have gotten rid of centuries ago, but only for the iPhone 14 Pro and iPhone 14 Pro Max. In its place will be what Apple calls a “Dynamic Island”.

The “Dynamic Island” is a pill-shaped little banner at the top of the phone screen that will house notifications, allow you to use Face ID, show you what song is currently playing and a heap of other things. Finally no void-like black space on our devices (if you fork out extra dosh).

The iPhone 14 Pro and iPhone 14 Pro Max will also have enhanced cameras compared to their less expensive counterparts.

In sad news for the girlies with large hands, there won’t be an iPhone 14 mini. Apple really said “you’ll take the massive phones or suffer”.

Friends, I have tiny pockets. Phone too big.

iPhone 14 Sizes and Colours!!

The big news in town is that Apple is bringing a new colour to its selection: purple.

The official colours for the iPhone 14 and iPhone 14 Plus will be Starlight, Midnight, Blue, Purple and Product Red.

The colours for the iPhone 14 Pro and iPhone 14 Pro Max will be Space Black, Silver, Gold and Deep Purple. It’s clear which phone is the favourite daughter of the company.

gizmodo iphone 14
Look at this smexy array (Source: Apple/Gizmodo). 

Well, it’s not really purple. It looks more like a deep-space grey. Or a cloud hovering over a field of lavender. Or a photograph of McDonald’s mascot Grimace that’s been found in the dusty rubble after World War 3.

The iPhone 14 will come with a 6.1-inch display and the iPhone 14 Plus will come with a 6.7-inch display.

Same thing goes for the iPhone 14 Pro, which will be 6.1-inch and the iPhone 14 Pro Max which will be 6.7-inch.

Each phone has its larger older sibling (which is what I tell myself to differentiate between all of these different phones).

iPhone 14 Prices & Preorders

Here are the official prices for all the different iPhones:

  • iPhone 14: $1,399
  • iPhone 14 Plus: $1,579
  • iPhone 14 Pro: $1,749
  • iPhone 14 Pro Max: $1,899

You can preorder the iPhone 14 and iPhone 14 Plus from September 10 on the Apple website. The iPhone 14 will reportedly ship out on September 16 while the 14 Plus will ship out on October 7.

Preorders for the iPhone 14 Pro and Pro Max will also be open from September 10, with ship outs for both being slated for September 16.


While you save for these pricey pieces of technology that will shatter instantaneously in the slightest gust of wind, have some memes!

See you in the Apple store folks! (I’ll be on my Android and making all the in-store display devices play Lady Gaga‘s critically acclaimed album Artpop, but you’ll still see me there.)

If you don’t want to buy an iPhone 14 outright, here are the cheapest plans available for the new smartphone:

Cheapest 24-month iPhone 14 (128GB) plans

Cheapest 36-month iPhone 14 (128GB) plans

Cheapest 24-month iPhone 14 Plus (128GB) plans

Cheapest 36-month iPhone 14 Plus (128GB) plans

Cheapest 24-month iPhone 14 Pro (128GB) plans

Cheapest 36-month iPhone 14 Pro (128GB) plans

Cheapest 24-month iPhone 14 Pro Max (128GB) plans

Cheapest 36-month iPhone 14 Pro Max (128GB) plans