Good morning (or good night if you’re nasty) to all my internet using friends. I turned my TikTok from extremely homosexual ADHD content to the most depraved heterosexual nonsense I have ever seen — which is saying something, given I went to an all-boys high school in western Sydney.

Yep, today I’ll be running you through one of the worst goddamn experiments I’ve ever done during my time at PEDESTRIAN.TV. Keep in mind I once watched the cinematic masterpiece Two Girls One Cup for an article. This here was worse, I’m telling you.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been tinkering away at a brand new TikTok account with the intention of landing on ‘straight TikTok’. So basically, the polar opposite to the TikTok many of us know and love.

No more clever, witty jokes or hilarious takedowns of men and their blunders. Instead, I’d be peeking into the other side of TikTok that some men (and potentially women) see every time they use the app. What lies beneath the surface? What horrors await? Take my hand. Let me show you.

@xoteam

@youneszarou

♬ kitty kat by megan – wnohyuk

I’m so sorry if you just watched that.

Look I have no idea what the fuck an XO Team is, and to be quite honest, I’m not going to even try and find out.

For some reason, a LOT of their content appeared on my ‘straight’ account, and I have never heard of them before this experiment. 27.7M followers though? And this is their content? I’m openly weeping in gay.

@xoteam

Поцелуются? ????

♬ Mamina pomada – Mikella & Gary Grey

And of course, a lot of straight TikTok is just young men making an absolute fool of themselves online by biting their lips and trying to be sexy.

I hate here, mum pick me up.

(Side note: 11.9M likes for a father-son TikTok that serves no purpose? Kill me.)

@in_the_nic_of_time

Reply to @balsam.al this took so long but here we go ???? #dad #trend #edit #MyBrawlSuper #notviral

♬ yeah hot people use this sound – cxaluv

Sure, all this shit is playful or whatever (I guess), but the more content I liked on my ‘straight’ account, the more things started to turn towards ‘lifestyle’ coaches and videos where toxic masculinity was at full force.

@_coachkyle

If you ever had… #dating #highvalueman #datingtiktok #howtotalktoyourcrush #howtogetwomen #redpillbluepill #alphamale #sigmamale #viral #fyp

♬ original sound – Coach Kyle

If you value your sanity do not watch the next one. It made me unbelievably angry.

And yet, this is a successful TikTok account that reaps in a tonne of likes. This content exists for someone out there, which is quite shocking honestly.

@highvalueldp

Biggest ????of all time❌ #bodycount #alpha #redpill #friendzone #alphamale #highvalue #kevinsamuels #redflag #stephiscold #highvalueman #coldmentality

♬ Sad Emotional Piano – DS Productions

Notice how all the ‘advice’ on these TikToks comes from straight white men? Why are we reinforcing this mentality that they are the only people who know about ‘masculinity’?

Women, queer folk and POC can offer such a richer definition of what it means to perform masculinity, and yet you’re listening to fkn Chris Pratt speeches and young boys with #alpha in their videos?

@mentalityvibes

Reply to @young_.avengers24 #chrispatt #motivation #perfect

♬ original sound – ????????????????????????????????????????????

This next one confuses me. What is the sign??? WHY was this made??

@derek_lifts

This got removed at 50k and i got blocked from posting bc of it, y’all blow it back up???? #fyp

♬ Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) – Edison Lighthouse

These people are making TikTok careers for themselves by being straight. Homophobic if you ask me.

@notbrookemonk

♬ Change ya life – Hey <3

I could honestly keep on sharing batshit videos, but it’s draining me mentally.

Here, have another fkd up video from XO Team.

Go straighties! Give us nothing!

@xoteam

FAKE BODY @youneszarou @benjikrol ????

♬ HAHA but NYAN – Hello, it’s Mii !