My nips are hard as icicles, my hair is snapping off at the ends and I have no feeling left in any of my joints. It’s winter babey! Meteorologists are reporting 2022’s whimsical girl winter is the coldest one in decades, so stop kicking your heater, she’s working just fine.

In case you missed it because your eyelids were frozen shut, Australia is undergoing not one but TWO polar surges right now.

Some parts of the country are braving blizzards while others are being blown away by crazy winds.

If the weather were a charcuterie board at a house party, it’d be a lovely wooden plank covered in hummus that your stupid housemate put in the freezer instead of the fridge. Maybe some eggplant dip if you’re blessed, but with the luck we’ve been having I would not want to hit up Vegas.

Brisbane is currently experiencing its coldest June since 1904. Similar story for Melbourne which is having its coldest days since 1982 and Sydney since 1989.

Basically, shit’s cooler than cool — it’s ice cold — and June is NOT supposed to be this chilly.

“It‘s usually the last week of June that we get temperatures as cold as this, so it’s unusual to have it this cold at the start of June,” said Bureau of Meteorology (BoM) Meteorologist Helen Reid.

“Dryness is adding to that sense of extra chill.”

While Brissy is braving temps as low as 6C, temperature predictions for other states are just as cooked. Frosted? Either way, shit’s fkd.

Sydney is having some historic frost with predicted lows of 7C, Melbourne is joining Brisbane with estimated lows of 6C and Adelaide is dropping it like it’s (not) hot with lows of 5C this week.

All five people who live in Canberra are going to be slushed and slurried by icy lows of -2C, but that’s okay because it’s basically like an iced-over version of Mad Max: Fury Road over there anyway. The wild scavengers are used to it.

Darwin won’t be so fucked over by the weather, but it will feel cooler there for the first time in forever with estimated lows of 19C.

And last but least, Hobart is predicted to get rain AND frost. The kind of weather that makes me want to Google real estate in Hell.

And that’s the historically cold weather for the week. Can’t wait to get arctic frostbite just by walking around in Sydney’s Town Hall.