It goes without saying, but Katy Perry should be made a permanent judge on MasterChef Australia. Channel Ten absolutely needs to make this happen. I don’t care what it costs. I don’t care if they have to sell the Como Building or whatever to make it happen. It needs to happen. Never before, in 12 years of this accursed show, has the potential for such glorious, magnificent chaos ever been so fully realised. Katy Perry swanning about the kitchen trying her best to put the cooks off, and succeeding effortlessly I’ll add, is the best thing the show’s ever done. In fact, forget the cooking, I’ll watch the rest of the season if it’s just Katy sneaking up behind Sarah Tiong to hornily whisper time updates to her. That’s television at its most deeply compelling.
Better still, Katy Perry used her time in the MasterChef kitchen to basically do whatever the blue hell she wanted. And top of that list, apparently, was “break the fourth wall.” Because she did exactly that. A lot.
Like, a whole lot.
As in, I went back through the episode and counted how many times Perry stared straight down the barrel of the camera.
And it was 23 times.
Twenty three. In just under an hour of screen time.
I’m not kidding. Count them all out.
1) The time that she absolutely rumbled poor Reece with a gluten intolerance fake out.
2) The time where Simon‘s pissy little portion sizes demanded a knowing wink to the audience.
3) When Sarah Tiong‘s pork was so good it shattered the wall.
4) When Katy Perry decided to let all of Australia know that she loves her meats sweet.
5) When Katy, foolishly as it turns out, wanted Poh‘s spices to “give me the kick.”
6) When even a global megastar couldn’t resist the chaotic charm of our beloved Poh.
7) When Reece’s cakes were so goddamned good the 1 million-odd people watching at home simply had to know about it.
8) The time she made direct eye contact with the camera while singing her own song which is also the theme song of the show.
9) When Melissa Leong handed her a bottle of HP sauce and Katy threw out a “HP Sauce babes” in a remarkably good Australian accent.
10) When she tried really, really hard to ignore the camera but simply could not.
11) Seriously, Simon’s portion size? It was small as at shit.
12) Rustling Sarah Tiong’s jimmies yet again.
13) When Perry flirted with the idea that “I like spicy food suddenly” might mean “I will be able to handle a full-on Rendang.”
14) When she realised after eating said Rendang “I will not be able to handle it,” and experienced spice up the nose for the first time.
15) When even dying of spice wouldn’t stop Katy Perry from finding the camera like a goddamned pro.
16) When Simon finally won her over by bribing her with treats.
17) The third or fourth time simply looking at Reece turned him to putty, and Katy tipped her hat at the camera to acknowledge it.
18) When she returned to get revenge on Poh for burning her mouth out, but did so in song form.
19) Shortly after improving her soon-to-be-released single “5 Minutes To Go,” which will likely top the charts here in about a month or so.
20) That time she was a poet and did not even know it.
21) That time there were only two minutes to go.
22) The time when, as the clock expired, Katy Perry was absolutely done waiting around and was extremely keen to eat.
23) And that time where she still found the dead centre of the camera even after absorbing a full episode’s worth of MasterChef chaos, because she Katy Perry is an insane delight.
Also, as a bonus, the time she caught Khanh laughing at her after she called herself a “basic b.” Not because she broke the fourth wall or anything. Just because it’s probably the greatest moment MasterChef has ever put to air.
They say in TV you’ve gotta maximise your minutes. And if that’s true, this is an entire textbook on the subject.
More Katy Perry, please. Bring her back. Fly her out now. Petition to Government to waive her quarantine, I don’t care. Make it happen.
I take back everything I said about Twist Week. That absolutely ruled.