Good Tuesday to you, my MAFS-obsessed brethren, and welcome back to final vows week! Last night we got to see Alana make all my drama-hungry dreams come true by changing her mind at the absolute last minute and tossing her speech cards into the Bondi wind! Can anything on the program tonight possibly top that? Do let us find out.

It’s time for the rest of the survivors of this carnival of indignity to pack their stuff and get the hell outta Dodge (the hotel tower). They’ve got to head home and decide whether they want to turn their fake marriages into real boyfriend-girlfriend situations. Once again, Jake looks exactly how I feel:

disassociation never looked so good

He’s still trying to cope with his ice queen bride Bec telling him at the dinner party that she didn’t really see a future with him. Do you know who does see a future with him? ME, but no-one bloody listens to me, do they!

Both of these criminally good-looking creatures are unsure about… everything. Jake’s devvoed about getting so brutally rebuffed at dinner (and all those other times), but he still really likes her, for some reason (trauma). Bec is doing her best to pretend that she likes him but as we all know she is an eldritch ice being whose blood runs as cold as a frozen-over sea and as such, cannot like any one or thing. It’s not her fault!

unhand me, mortal

Meanwhile Georgia is reeling from Liam‘s assertion that none of his friends would like or accept her. It’s not great timing! They’ve been doing great up until last night, and now, after that hectic bombshell, Georgia has to go home? I am not predicting that things work out well for these two. Considering that cursed video of Jason, Georgia and Johnny hanging shit on Liam, maybe it’s for the best.

The pair sit down to try to hash out what happened last night. Blah de blah it made her feel insecure! He doesn’t understand what the big deal is! They are both upset! It’s not a fun discussion to watch and it does nothing to assuage my feelings of foreboding. At least they’re both wearing pink so it’s a nice distracting aesthetic?

Hubba Bubba never looked so good

Georgia has a pretty little cry about just wanting things to be good between them again. Yeah, yeah. Get to the good shit, MAFS!

In the holiday den of the sea witch, Belinda and Patrick are packing up the accoutrements of their journey together: Patrick’s art supplies, and Belinda’s many lairy jumpsuits. It’s a surprisingly emotional time, because these two, despite definitely being cast as comic relief, have actually forged a genuine connection with each other. Bel doesn’t want to leave her courtly lover!

I will think of you whenever I send a sailor to his doom

Ah well at least I don’t have to feel any sense of trepidation ‘cos they are definitely going to stay together. The only variable is how unhinged their final vows are gonna be. Fingers crossed for another Black Swan moment.

I will accept a Jellicle Cats number also

Liam’s back on the farm and having a heart-to-heart over a bowl of corn chips with his mate Cat, who looks like she’s never taken a single iota of shit from anyone in her life and I would very much like to be her best friend.

no

He’s like, Wee woo boo hoo, Georgia takes too long to get ready! And Cat is like, My beloved idiot friend; have you considered that this is simply what most women must do in order to be accepted by society in general, particularly if they are, for example, ON TELEVISION???

…oh

Cat is astonished to hear about how callous Liam was with Georgia’s feelings at the dinner party. There are those self-destructive impulses again! At least he realises how much of a fool he’s been. He says he’s falling for her. She makes him feel safe, and he’s never felt that in a relationship before. Is it going to be enough to rescue the pair of them? I have my doubts but we shall see.

Omg shut up, shut up, we get to hang out with Georgia’s mum who I had COMPLETELY forgotten about and who DEFINITELY needs her own show. Like now.

the content writes itself, honestly

Georgia needs some kaftan-clad maternal guidance. Her mum is not super impressed to hear that her nice pink daughter has been told she’s “too glamorous” to be accepted by her future husband’s friends. She says, quite accurately, that if you’re going to spend your life with someone, you better be sure that they accept you – all of you – the way that you are.

Also, Georgia has never been an insecure person, and she’s somehow lost all her confidence and gained all this anxiety! Mum thinks that this is Liam’s doing but I suspect it has more to do with, for example, BEING ON TELEVISION.

you know what always cheers me up? a $400 muumuu

Patrick is back in Melbourne and struggling to adjust to life without the overbearing high weirdness of the sea witch. He’s mad about her – he just wishes she’d tell him that she’s into him, too. Aw, Patrick! The sea witch may not know how to communicate human emotions, but she still loves you in her own way!

Belinda is returning her crushed velvet figure skating ensemble to the closet and reconnecting with her many items of cat-themed decor. The gal is nothing if not consistent.

[mournful Russian circus music intensifies]

Anyway distance is working a treat on the sea witch’s watery heart, and she has realised the depth (lol sorry) of her feelings for her handsome nerdy knight.

Meanwhile Bec is catching up with her mates in some sort of Western Australian executive heterotopia.

as warm and welcoming as a snowdrift

She needs some external opinions on her relationship, although I seriously doubt anything is going to change her mind about her beautiful himbo husband. She’s been done with him from MAFS day one! Stop trying to fight it, babe!

Her mates are like, Look if you’re not mad into it then don’t drag things out. She still thinks she’s 50/50. Let me help: you don’t like him! You like being mean, hot and imperious and that is as it should be! Let it goooooooo, your majesty!

don’t tell me what to do, worm

In Melbourne, Jake is balking slightly at the thought of moving to Perth for a woman who has consistently been indifferent towards him at best. He needs kisses and affection and to not be called boring, and sometimes Bec provides those things! But sometimes (most of the time) she doesn’t. For some reason he still thinks she’s worth fighting for. I just cannot understand it!

blink twice if you’ve been brainwashed, babe

However I do like that he’s listing her independence and how she’s challenged him as positive attributes. More straight blokes appreciating challenging women, please! No this is not a self-serving request! How dare you!!

Even though I am absolutely sure that it’s the end of these two it sure is nice that MAFS has provided us with some very fanservice-y shots of Jake walking in slow motion down a petal-strewn path.

thank you for the new mental screensaver

Here comes Bec, looking exquisite and cruel and saying something in the voiceover about having made a decision that took the whole experiment to make. Ya don’t say.

avert your eyes, puny human

“You look amazing, as always,” says Jake.

“You have a tie on,” says Bec. Couldn’t sum their relationship up better if I tried!

Okay it’s vows time. Jake’s like, You seemed too good to be true! And then… you actually were. Savage. He talks about how rude and cold she was to him, and how he closed off in response. Does that mean he wants to call it quits though? You must be new here. Of course not. Blee blah bloo he wants to stay with her because she makes him feel the full spectrum of emotions. “There’s even a part of me that’s in love with you,” he says, to which I scoff aloud.

awk-waaaard

Bec’s vows are all about how Jake can’t take a joke. Lighten up babe! Calling you boring is just the ice queen’s way of telling you she loves you! It’s been a real rollercoaster, and one she’s thought about getting off a few times. She loves how caring, calm, steady and in tune with his feelings he is. HOWEVER – Jesus Christ the music is so loud it’s going to blow my speakers, I need these to listen to Kate Bush, MAFS! – however, in the hardest decision she’s ever had to make… she wants to stay together. Are you fucking kidding me?!

“You always say if you’re in, I’m in. So here I am letting you know I’m in,” she says. “100% I’m in.”

uuuugggghhhhh

Look – whatever. Jake’s happy and he deserves happiness. I am so tired and emotionally battered at this point that I just… whatever. God speed to you both. Don’t move to Perth.

It’s Georgia and Liam’s turn now, and there were a lot of slow-mo shots of a ring falling to the ground in the MAFS previews so my hopes remain subterranean. They’re both saying stuff in the voiceovers about having time to process and making the right decisions and whatever but I am completely distracted by the Great Gatsby-ass venue they’re doing the ceremony in. Look at those peacocks!

as always, restraint is key

Georgia stomps in looking like a sullen 21-year-old on Say Yes to the Dress whose mum told her she wasn’t allowed to wear her pink Converse under her wedding gown. It’s a fabulous look for her and I demand more of it.

god mum you’re such a bitch

Too bad, we have to watch Liam deliver his vows, complete with their contractually-obligated “however”. Blah blah, good thing bad thing, blah blah. Do you think they get coached while they write these, or do the producers just give them a template? At least we can rely on sartorial distraction again, ‘cos that cream linen suit is nice.

scusi where 2 cop

Oh it’s so cute, he actually says “I love you”!! I think he’s the first one to just straight up say the three words, instead of being like “I am falling in love with you” or “I could see myself at some point possibly eventually considering loving you in some way”.

Anyway it’s Georgia’s turn. She says a bunch of nice things and then lays into him for what he said to her at the dinner party. He hurt her! He humiliated her! He degraded her! And then when she tried to talk to him about it the next day, he gaslighted her! She’s not standing for that behaviour. I’m not 100% sure we watched the same interaction but like okay, pop off I guess?

AND ANOTHER THING

She says he acts like that because he believes he doesn’t deserve to be loved, and he self-sabotages. This speech is full of A-grade lines actually: “At some point in your life you must realise that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life. Because sometimes you need to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve.” A standing ovation for this master orator! Can we get her a job writing for the White House or something?

Despite all that, though, she is willing to give him another chance and forgive him. She says he’s never been loved so he doesn’t know how to be loved. She asks him to be open to love, and not let it walk away. I think she may have pushed things a little far here with her linen-clad lover.

Cowboy Jesus, give me strength

“Yes, I love you,” he says after a deep breath. “But hearing those vows – you don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.” Yikes!!! She says she’s sorry. He tells her not to be. He just thinks it’s a massive slap in the face to get to the final vows and suddenly be told that he’s all these terrible things. She drops her cards on the floor because she is nothing if not High Drama. Wow. Kill me, MAFS, why don’t you.

“Ball’s in your court,” she says. “What do you want to do.”

“You know – I am sorry for what happened at the dinner party. But I’m not going to cop that when that there is an outright lie. So – don’t forgive me. Don’t. As much as I want to make this work, that just shows that you don’t know me. And I’m not going to have a partner who doesn’t know me. So let’s just call it quits.”

“Fair enough,” she says, and he walks out. There it is! I’m dead! I’ve died from it. RIP me.

byeeeeeeeee

Oh, and here comes the promised ring drop! Man, did everyone on this season take a prop-work theatre class before they started shooting? Regardless, I am loving every second of it (from beyond the grave).

and byeeeee to you too

I do not think Georgia was really expecting that reaction. Maybe she was too honest, she muses quietly. She really wanted it to work, and all she did was adore him the whole experiment! She says she doesn’t regret what she said but she also spends a lot of time crying on the nice chequerboard floor so I’m not super sure about that.

she’s not mad! she’s laughing, actually!

Aw jeeeez: “I’m so sad,” she whispers. “Because I love him too.” Heartbreaking! And we don’t even get closure – there’s an ad break and then we’re dumped straight into Bel and Pat’s segment with all the grace of a sunburnt belly flop into a still lagoon.

Haha at least we’re treated to Patrick confidently asserting that he’s a 6/10 in a casual outfit and a 9/10 in a suit. I’m not mad and I refuse to refute that claim. Confidence is the sexiest look on any guy, after all!

007 is that you????

He’s slightly concerned that Belinda’s feelings will have changed. You sweet, stupid man. She’s spent the last week drifting tearily from room to cat-themed room and pining for him!

also her drowned Victorian debutante redux has brought me right back to life

I’m very excited for this low-stakes section of MAFS, because I have never been more sure of the outcome of anything. If these two break up I’ll fire myself. Out of a cannon. Into the sun.

They meet up under a flower-bedecked fig tree and are so cute and comfortable with one another that I want to cry. Instead of looking nervous and awkward they’re just like Omg hi how have you been!

I started playing this really cool game, you’re gonna love it, it’s called Magic: The Gathering

Belinda volunteers to read her vows first, and they are ADORABLE. She loves that Pat has been so patient and respectful. She loved how romantic their last date was (hello, euphoniums!). She loves that when they finally had sex it was magical!

and if there’s one thing the sea witch knows it’s magic hehe

Here’s her contractually enforced “but” – ah, she was just worried sometimes about whether they’d last in the real world. Not any more!

“I’m so grateful that you’ve come into my life,” she says, choking up. “And you’re someone I will always adore. I want to work through whatever life throws at us.” He’s the best teammate she could hope for! Omg, is she going to say it??

“Patrick,” she says. “I want you to know that I’m falling in love with you.” YES GIRL. BROADCAST THOSE FEELINGS!! “I’m walking away with a husband, a lifelong partner, and, finally, love.” Pashes! Pashes all round!

pash pash pash pash!

How is Pat going to top that?! Fortunately it’s not a competition and all I am here for is confirmation of what I already know: he thinks she’s the one for him. She’s the nicest girl he’s ever met, and he never wants her to change. “You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been, and I can’t wait to grow old with you,” he says. “I can’t imagine my life without you. And today I can finally tell you, Bel, that I am in love with you.”

More pashes! More!!!

PASH PASH PASH PASH!!!

Can someone please link me to these guys’ Patreon or something? I want to subscribe to Belinda and Patrick content for the rest of my life. What a delightful breath of fresh air they are in the otherwise sulphurous hellscape that is MAFS.

And that is where we leave things for tonight! A fitting final palate cleanser before we descend back into the shit pit of the VERY LAST dinner party (for real this time???). Everyone’s back in the same room and according to the previews, Bryce is only looking redder and more guilty by the second. I simply cannot wait. See you then!