Good evening, my fiends, and welcome back to the mid-week highlight of our sad little lives: the MAFS boys’ and girls’ nights! As we are rapidly barrelling towards the hapless contestants’ final vows, the producers have seen fit to throw the equivalent of a flash grenade into the clubhouse: all the former brides and grooms are back, and if the length of Samantha‘s clip-on ponytail is anything to go by, it is going to be chaos.

First off, though, we have to wrap up everyone else’s “final dates” (still can’t get over how ominous that sounds tbh). What’s this? Patrick has finally consummated things with the sea witch?!

and yet he lives… the mortal is stronger than he appears…

Look, I’m happy for Pat and Belinda, but I am growing rapidly bored of the pervy approach to these gentle dorks’ sex life. Can we please stop asking who made the first move and whether someone finally got an end in? Please???

Downstairs Jake is running out of things to stress-tidy.

that’s it sweetie, zhuzh the pain away

You may remember that Bec had to bugger off last ep to take care of her sick dog in Perth, and it’s left Jake at a bit of a loose end. For some reason (nobility) he’s really clinging on to the hope that the two of them will work things out. I am just getting more and more baffled by his desperation for Bec, especially considering most of the population of Australia would happily chew a leg off to get in the same room as this magnificent hottie.

Oh, but look who’s swanning through the door! It’s Bec! She said she missed him heaps while she was away! A little time apart and a threatening letter from the MAFS lawyers can do wonders to throw your relationship into perspective.

yeah I like totally didn’t immediately forget you existed

Bec’s dog Oscar has a heart disease but no time to dwell on literally the most upsetting thing I’ve heard in the season so far, we have to go hang out with the polar opposite of a good dog: fucking Bryce.

In case you forgot, last ep Melissa accompanied him to Canberra to meet his “best friends”, who gave a completely unsatisfactory response to her questions about whether there was any truth to the whole “girlfriend on the outside” rumour.

Now Bryce is waking her up with the question no girl wants to hear: “So now you’ve had a night to think about it, what do you actually think about Canberra?”

it’s as exciting as you are handsome

She nicely sidesteps the questions by saying that she likes to visit. Good. For the love of all that’s holy, please do not move back home with this lying crab.

Back in Sydney, Alana and Jason are still sleeping in separate rooms despite both deciding to stay at the last commitment ceremony. Is there really any hope for our favourite root rats? Surely their brains are about to explode from unreleased horniness after so long apart?

all work and no sex makes lizard something something

Jason shows up in full yacht club fuckwit regalia, which really impresses Alana because of course it does. Aw, and look, the MAFS producers got her a little gift! Of a mid-range perfume. Wow. Okay. Where’s Alana’s Louis Vuitton key fob?!

No time to pout, it’s Bec and Jake’s final date and it’s on a BOAT. Hell yeah.

i want to go to there

Jake needs to know if Bec is actually into him, though, so he’s going to do his best to open up some lines of nautical-themed interrogation. What’s her deal! Is she in or is she out? Does she even like her noble himbo?

In true Ice Queen form, she initially refuses to give him anything approaching a real response. They try to talk logistics. She doesn’t want to leave Perth, so he’d have to move to be with her. Also, does she want kids? He wants to be a dad by the time he’s 35, which would mean getting her sprogged up by the time she’s 30.

She’s like, I just don’t look at time the same way you do. Of course she doesn’t! She’s an immortal ice creature from the depths of history! HOW many TIMES do I HAVE to TELL YOU.

once you’ve seen mountain ranges rise and fall motherhood starts seeming kind of trite

Let’s leave that particular miscommunication zone and go revisit Jason and Alana, who are on a strict date diet of No Bryce Talk Whatsoever. Over a violently purple drink, they try to work out what life will be like outside the experiment. They are keen to try to move in together! It’s cute, but how are they planning to handle the significant culture shock of moving from the Gold Coast to Brisbane or vice versa? Only time will tell.

what if I want to drink XXXX on the beach but you want to drink XXXX by the river???

In the meantime, the lizard has left his piéd-a-terrarium and returned to the marital heat mat. Finally! The root rats are back on their bullshit! The relief is palpable.

Enough of the romance, it’s time to bust up these cosy little couples into their gender-segregated gossip circles, with the welcome addition of aaaalll the previous brides and grooms. I’m just stoked that Bryce can’t talk Melissa out of going to this one. She’s contractually obligated, you pimple!

Liss is slyly provoking Bryce about what he’ll do if Pig Sam has a go at him at the boys’ night. I for one cannot wait to see the two worst people in the season go head-to-head again. Whoever loses, I win!

Melissa tries to tell Bryce to “be a bigger person” and Bryce looks at her like she’s speaking alienese again. Meanwhile Jason is crowing “Boys’ night! Boys’ night!” and telling the camera that having a few drinks is his “forte”. What a way to live your life.

The gals are all looking VERY sparkly and gushing about their dates. Belinda remains very impressed by Patrick’s big teen movie romantic gesture (remember the euphoniums?). The boys only want to know if Pat and Bel did it. Yes! Obviously!

*jubilant lizard noises*

Everyone cheers, and no-one asks if the sex was any good because MAFS’ approach to sex is nothing if not bureaucratic. Contractual obligation met! End of story!

Hahaha at least we get to see Alana say that she feels like a parent. “A weird sex parent,” she clarifies.

whatever blows your skirt up, babe

Ah finally, here comes Coco to chuck a white jumpsuit-shaped spanner in the established social machine. Oi! MAFS! We don’t need this recap of her little flirtation with Cam! We all remember that traumatising kiss! She just hopes she doesn’t have to get stuck into things with Cam’s former bride Samantha.

Samantha, meanwhile, has bigger fish to fry: she’s “somehow” received some “bombshell news” that she needs to tell Melissa.

listen up children, mummy’s home

“I have some information tonight that Liss is not going to like,” she says. Apparently Samantha is also from Canberra, and because there’s only about eight people in Our Nation’s Capital, she’s heard some shit about Bryce from one of his “closest friends”.

“If I didn’t let her know this I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight,” says Samantha. I am simultaneously frothing for this impending drama and deeply upset on Melissa’s behalf. Has anyone been put through the emotional wringer as much as this poor extraterrestrial being? It’s not fair! Someone do something!!!

Omg Jo is back too! I forgot about her! Everyone is so excited and it’s soooo cute.

~reunited and it feels so good~

Over at the boys’ den, we are being subjected to Bryce repeating that he is “falling in love” with Melissa. Gag-inducing. Rage-inducing. Give him the Razzy cos this is the worst acting I have ever seen, and I saw Catwoman (2004) in the theatre.

a worse performance than Halle and 100 times cattier

Thank god the tedium is relieved by the appearance of James, Brett (who gets a big cuddle from Jake and Pat), and Russ, who’s accompanied by his traditional clown music. Leave my dream husband alone, MAFS!

oi how sick are bikes hey

The escapees get briefed on what’s been happening since they’ve left. Bryce has to explain about the girlfriend rumour, which makes him go fluorescent pink. A great sign that he’s telling the truth. Also trying to make an important distinction between a “girl” on the outside and a “girlfriend” on the outside? Suss as hell. Fall down a hole, you cockwomble.

Bec is telling the girls her version of events and Melissa is trying to explain that it was hurtful to hear the rumour so long after the events had (supposedly) happened. She says she still believes Bryce. Whatever – everyone still loves her, regardless of how delusional she might be.

“I think one thing for this whole experiment that us girls have 100% agreed on is how lucky Bryce is to have you,” says Bec. Royalty recognise royalty, even if one is an elemental being of ice and ancient malice and the other is an extraterrestrial empress stranded far from home.

despite your barbaric customs, we are not so different, you and I

Anyway forget all that, here comes Samantha to drop the bomb. She says that since she’s been back in Canberra, she’s heard a BUNCH of rumours about Bryce having a girlfriend outside the show. Not just outside the show – she’s in Canberra, WAITING FOR HIM.

him?

“I’ve heard it from one of Bryce’s closest friends,” Sam tells the camera. “I have seen proof. I’ve seen text messages. I do believe it, yeah.” THE JIG IS UP, YOU BRICK MOTHERFUCKER. Mum’s coming for you!!!

She says that she simply has to tell Liss, because otherwise she couldn’t live with herself. She just has to find the right moment.

got something to tell you babe meet me in the toilets later

Meanwhile Pig Sam’s arriving at the boys’ night, which is being held in – sorry, what the fuck is this venue called?

isn’t that when you lift a bloke off the bed with your Kegels

Bryce immediately starts pouting, while simultaneously telling the camera that he’s “a lot more mature than half the boys here”.

you’re mummy’s big mature boy, yes you are

I just cannot force myself to care about the simmering tensions between these two. They’re sitting on opposite sides of the room with their respective henchmen and shooting dirty looks at each other. Pig Sam learns that Bryce has continued being a fuckwit even after the Pig’s departure, and he decides that’s the ideal point at which to start hassling him.

Of course it’s Patrick, eternal dark horse shit-stirrer, who leans forward and is like, So do you two want to clear the air?

Bryce is forced YET AGAIN to recount the many confrontations he’s had with various MAFS participants. Pig Sam has clearly been preparing for this moment.

“How do you feel like you’ve handled yourself since I left?” he asks, doing his best Daddy John impression. “Because it seems like 90% of the people at this table have a problem with you. How do you feel about that?”

Bryce is scarfing down bar snacks in a vain attempt at nonchalance. “I don’t care,” he says through a mouthful of flatbread.

“Have you had a look in the mirror?” says Sam. “Have you thought maybe – I’m the problem here?”

Bryce is being obnoxious and making clumsy cracks about how his nose has broken all the mirrors in the apartment. Shut up, you unfunny dick. James is like, Hang on, let’s be constructive here – Bryce, do you have anything you want to say to Sam?

“I got nothin’,” he sniffs. “I don’t need to say anything to Sam.”

that’s the last time I try to bail you out you pink fucking ingrate

Pig Sam is like, “I think you do. I think you’ve carried yourself like a cockhead through the whole experiment.” Hahaaaa. “You came at me hot and heavy when I first got here, and then you’ve done exactly what you called me out for.”

Bryce is like, Well you’ve only heard other people’s version of events, and Pig Sam suggests that other people’s versions are certainly more trustworthy than Bryce’s. Quite.

Okay blah blah they’re bitching at each as per usual, things are escalating, the tense piano music is on. Bryce is like MY WIFE and Pig Sam is like I bet she doesn’t even LIKE you, and then hints with dark glee that Liss is about to find out some Serious Shit about her Brick Idiot Husband from the gals. It’s such excellent classic villain mugging that I find myself almost liking Pig Sam. At least he has the inklings of some perverse kind of charisma, unlike the terracotta smear over there.

*static*

Anyway that’s enough to make Bryce spit the dummy and leave. “Where’s ya backbone?” calls Pig Sam. Bryce is furiously pulling his mic off in the foyer AGAIN because he’s never had an original thought cross his atrophied brain in his entire life. He flounces off into the night. Bye bitch!!!

“What a fucking loser,” chortles Pig Sam at the table, while Bryce stalks around the plaza looking close to tears. Johnny and Jason have come out to try to give him a pep talk.

I am soooo sick of this guy’s every tantrum being catered to and cooed over. He’s never going to learn to act right if you keep rushing to coddle him when he chucks his toys out of the pram! Just let him suffer in his toyless surroundings until he learns to go pick them up himself like a big boy!

he’s a MEANIE who’s MEAN TO ME and it’s all HIS FAULT

Meanwhile Pig Sam’s inside doing this gross dirty bad man tongue thing that is… doing something… to my hindbrain… hang the fuck on, am I getting horny for Pig Sam?!

hmm.

Bleuuurgghh let’s not look too closely at that particular impulse. Despite Youth Pastor Johnny’s best efforts, Bryce refuses to go back inside, and speeds away in a cab to pout in solitude.

Over in the girls’ wine club, everyone is stoked about Belinda’s developing bond with Patrick. Yeah yeah, whatever, how are things with Melissa and Bryce? She tries to insist that things are good, that she’s falling for him – but Jo wants to know if Bryce makes her feel like he’s reciprocating those feelings. Liss thinks he does! Oof, who’s gonna tell her?

Just as Samantha is about to broach the difficult subject of Bryce’s magnitude of fuckwattage, Coco’s outfit arrives. How convenient.

aaaaand cue the jumpsuit

Samantha is completely unwilling to play the HEY BABE game with Coco and Coco doesn’t really want to get into shit with Samantha. Good. Everyone still wants to know if Coco and Cam got together. Sounds like they had a few dates and then things fizzled out. Samantha’s not jealous, but she is… thrilled that things didn’t work out between them.

ohhhhhhh that’s like so sad and crazy that it didn’t go to plan wow so surprising so tragic

Forget all that, no-one cares: DROP THE BOMB, MUM!

Ugh yawn, we have to spend more time in the boys’ room while everyone debriefs about Bryce’s abrupt exit. I don’t caaaaare, you guys! I don’t care! “He’s gone-zo,” smirks Pig Sam. Ha okay I’ll allow that. See me round the back of the pigsty later, you naughty little swine.

Finally, though, FINALLY, we are getting into the juicy juicy goss we’ve been promised. Poor Liss is explaining how nice it was to go to Canberra and see Bryce’s friends and address some of those girlfriend rumours. She says he’s reassured her, and she has to take that on face value, and she doesn’t want to end up looking like a fool (god, my little black heart is breaking), when Samantha at long last makes her move.

“So I’ve come in here actually, Liss, with some information from Canberra,” she says. “I’ve been wanting to tell you. I don’t know if you know about a girl back in Canberra that he’s been talking to and messaging.”

“Oh, shit,” says Jo. My thoughts exactly!

“He has been messaging her quite frequently…”

“Wow,” says Bec.

“…and tried to get time off to go to the rugby with her. And he said that he has to do this show for his exposure, for his career in radio. Basically she’s waiting for him to come off the show, still. And this is a week and a half ago that I heard it from one of Bryce’s very good mates, Jason.”

expardon me

“Jason?” sputters Melissa. “Jason who I just caught up with in Canberra?’

“He had all the messages,” says Sam.

Melissa’s like, But I literally just asked him! Jason literally just told me that there wasn’t a girl!

“I even know the girl’s name,” says Samantha. They beep it out. I am both furious at and deeply appreciative of this level of producer-led manipulation here.

je suis Booka

Poor Liss. That, apparently, is what’s finally cemented the truth of the rumour for her: that the girl has a name. She looks absolutely devastated.

“If Bryce is doing this sort of stuff, you need to know,” says Sam. “I’ve got your back. I’m not ever going to let what happened to me happen to you.”


not enough forgetty juice in the world tbh

Everyone is so crushed for our stranded alien visitor. All the gals are like, We’ve got you babe! You deserve better! She takes herself off to the balcony to look up at the stars and send off another futile cry for help from the motherworld.

Samantha comes over to commiserate. Liss needs to know exactly what happened.

“I was at a bar with my mate, and Jason walks into the bar,” says Sam. “And he sat down with my mate and I, and he was basically like, I know everything, Bryce tells me everything that’s going on! And then he said, Can you believe that [the girl] is still hanging on waiting for Bryce to come home?”

Sam says she couldn’t believe it, but she knew right away that she was going to tell Liss. She and the girls just don’t want her to get hurt. They’re not trying to cause issues in Liss’s relationship; they just want her to be happy.

remember that feeling, sweetie? happiness???

Poor Liss tells the camera that she is “the biggest fool”, and breaks down crying. I am just fucking heartbroken for her. Let this woman leave and go immediately into extensive therapy paid for in full by MAFS, please! This is too much!

And that depressing note is what we leave the episode on! How wonderful. The previews for Sunday’s dinner party look, if possible, even more devastating than tonight: the group is calling Bryce’s girlfriend? The fucking honesty box is back?! The stress is taking years off my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. See you then, my beautiful goblins!!!