COVID got me! I’m back (for now).
It’s MAFS Commitment Ceremony time and I have a hunch it’s going to be good. I can feel it in my currently infected cells.
Before we go to the Ouch Couch, can we talk about the OTT vanity set-ups all the MAFS brides have? My GRWM consists of a Kmart toiletry bag with five likely-expired makeup products.
It’s time and I just get a sense that Claire has two painful couches to sit on tonight.
Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan) are up and let’s talk about these outfits. She is Strawberry Shortcake and he is Newtown Hemp King.
Alyssa would like her Hemp King to check in on her while playing tennis. Excuse me? That’s not how tennis works. It cannot be interrupted, luv.
Alyssa thinks that Prince Eric has made a dig about her child always being his first priority. Why? Because Prince Eric asked whether or not he is a priority to her.
Prince Eric shuts that down quick-smart. He thinks she’s manifesting her own insecurities onto him, and that her expectations are concerning.
“I have a child,” Alyssa reminds everyone before storming out.
Aaaand she’s back.
Prince Eric tells Alyssa how he feels in this relationship. He tries to comfort her and she pulls away. How does she reply to him voicing his needs and concerns?
“Sorry you feel that way,” Alyssa tells him.
SHE LITERALLY GOT ANGRY AT HIM FOR SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE RETREAT.
Decision time. Prince Eric is staying. So’s Alyssa but only if she can get off the couch, please!
MAFS expert Mel Schilling tells Alyssa to sort her shit out because they gifted her the only decent man in the experiment. Or something to that effect.
Tahnee and Ollie are falling in love. Cute. They stay.
Can Cam put his hair back up, please? I don’t love this for him.
Cam was able to leave his Skye Suites prison cell for the retreat and because of that, his relationship with Lyndall has benefitted. They both stay. Yawn.
Bronte and Bunnings Douche (Harrison) are up. Bronte tells the experts that despite her husband breaking up with her, she’s still falling for him. A shame she also looks terrified.
MAFS expert John Aiken no comprenday, and fellow expert Alessandra Rampolla has whipped out the finger usually reserved for his forehead.
Bunnings Douche “rejects the notion” that he manipulated Bronte and Claire thinks he’s on acid. Well, she said he’s a “tripper” so I assume that’s what she means. I’m an acid-virgin who cannot confirm nor deny.
Bunnings Douche says Bronte gets “worked up”, “emotional” and “exaggerates”. No one is impressed by this.
John steps in and tells Bunnings Douche to admit which of his behaviours contribute to the problems in this relationship.
This stripper tradie doesn’t know because he doesn’t know much, does he?
John needs one of Claire’s crystals.
Bunnings Douche wrote stay? Oh dear. So did Bronte. Ew.
Claire is confused, but Lyndall? Lyndall looks like someone who’s having withdrawals from something.
She’s in “disbelief” and feels stupid for supporting Bronte, telling her that she’s being emotionally manipulated.
John asks Bronte if she feels that way. “No,” she says. Why does she look so scared then?
Bronte’s worried he’ll find someone better and sometimes she does not feel good enough for him.
“I love showing her off,” Bunnings Douche says. Ew. Women are not cars to parade.
They are dismissed.
Rupert and Evelyn are up and look very connected. Together. As a couple.
He touches her on the bum sometimes and they’ve even seen each other in their birthday suits!
Rupert says there has not been an “adult hug” and hell, I forgot about how this bloke describes sex. They both stay and are N*Sync.
Melinda and Layton are up to the Ouch Couch, only for John to make a cute lil’ joke about his footwear.
I love John. I’d like to see an entire show called John At First Sight where we just see John go on like, 50 First Dates.
John and his fabulous footwear are yet again sick of Layton’s CEO chat. John tells Layton that vulnerability is cool and he should try that instead. I have to agree.
He is literally the suit at The Establishment who will ask to buy you a drink and then just talk about his job for the next hour, making you regret ever saying yes.
They both stay but Layton decides to stay with an underline, which is apparently a big deal? Congrats to all the people out there celebrating the bare minimum in a relationship, truly.
Jesse and Claire are up to the Ouch Couch and something tells me it’s going to be extra sore on those cushions tonight.
Jesse says Bunnings Douche’s comment about Claire only staying to repair her image reminded him of everything he’s been through with the cheating saga.
Bunnings Douche interrupts Claire’s thoughts on the dinner-party comment.
Claire tells him it’s her turn to talk, which is pretty interesting considering her ongoing commentary whenever anyone is on the couch.
Jesse lists out all the things he likes about Claire and John tells Jesse he has feelings for her. Jesse nods.
John says they can turn it around and homeboy must be getting carsick with all the motion in this relationship. “No,” Jesse says.
He’s been pushing their trust issues aside and chooses to leave, as does Claire. This is sad. Confirmed: vapes ruin lives.
I hope Bunnings Douche is happy. But also, Claire did this to herself, let’s be honest. This is what happens when you cheat on someone, friends — you ruin everything. Take notes.
John tells the group, but particularly Bunnings Douche, to not meddle with other relationships.
I feel really empty and need Jesse to come back immediately. What a ride he took us on. I’m sure he’ll find love pretty quickly after this, if he wants it.
Um, next MAFS episode they swap the couples for a few days and — wait for it — they’re putting Melinda and Bunnings Douche together.
DYING. LIVING. SCREAMING.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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