Are we meant to just continue this season after everything that went down at the MAFS Commitment Ceremony last night? There is not enough superglue to mend me.
But tonight! Tonight Claire will admit that she fucked Crypto Bro (Adam)! Maybe! I truly don’t know yet. But that’s what I’m banking on.
Bronte is moving back in with Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) which is an objectively shit idea.
Bronte says their relationship has had “hiccups” that don’t “even need to be discussed”. Fuck that, let’s discuss them.
This man got his dick wet ahead of marrying you. He gaslit you and then made you think you were gaslighting him. He continuously shifts the blame to you. He thinks he is god’s gift.
Meanwhile, everyone’s going on about how happy Jesse and Claire are which means they are setting us up for his heart to be ripped out. Love it!
He even says he likes her snort chuckle which means this is a very slippery slope for him now — he’s in deep.
But Claire? She feels guilty! “He doesn’t know the truth,” she says. Oh dear. She’s walking over to Jesse’s to drop the bomb and NOPE, that’s not her MAFS husband’s door. It’s Dan and Sandy‘s suite.
Ok Claire and Crypto Bro kissed that night where they all went out. This is not as bad as I thought it was going to be (fucking) but it’s still pretty bad. And what about Janelle?! I hate that she seductively ate a banana for him.
I bloody knew it. And to make Jesse feel crazy for thinking something happened? When it did happen? Wouldn’t know the feeling! This never happens to anyone ever!
Crypto Bro’s been asking Claire to not kiss and tell, literally. (Side note: so glad Sandy is getting more airtime — it’s not her fault Dan breached his contract.)
We have two new MAFS weddings to attend, people. Please be some gays. It’s Pride Month for fuck’s sake.
Crypto Bro can’t wait to see who it is, probably so he can hook up with them. His advice to the new couple is to “give it everything you’ve got” which is fucking rich considering he has been giving it to people who aren’t his wife.
First up we have Tayla, a nurse whose flaw is that she’s shit at negotiating. Hell on earth, she says she breaks people and takes away what they have to offer. But she feels awful about it? Does that… make it better?
She is being matched with Hugo who already appears very breakable in Tayla’s hands. He says he is a solid seven in the right lighting and with heels on, and I feel that on a personal level if you replace the heels with sunglasses.
Hugo’s mates think he has “Big Labrador Energy” and that’s an energy I can get around, to be honest. He sees himself as a “loveable space cadet” and same (minus the loveable part).
Next up is model Evelyn. She is very hot and wants to meet someone special so she doesn’t need to use a lint roller after every spoon sesh.
Jesus her MAFS husband is hot in a generically hot way. Oh dear he is a sparky, someone please restrain me. Rupert doesn’t mind getting his knees dirty which is a good thing given men who don’t like going down on women are dead to me.
Back to Tayla, she is stressing out about how tall her husband is because apparently that matters. This chick is the one claiming Lyndall‘s a big bully, right? I’ve had some menty b’s in my time but this woman is making me dizzy.
Tayla is excited to piss in a dunny and meet her MAFS husband. That was a rollercoaster, wow.
He is also very tall. Or at the very least, tall enough. He introduces himself and she responds by saying she had a goat named Hugo too. Can she please look at him?
He’s not her usual type and doll, your type has left you single. I can’t tell if I’m speaking to Tayla or myself right now.
Tayla tells Hugo she’s explosive and then lists her demands. Hugo is clearly loving it because he swallows all his pride in preparation for a soul-breaking.
He says he is excited by this handful of a wife but I don’t believe him for one damn second.
During Hugo’s vows, he says he will hate whoever she wants him to hate that week. I am obsessed with him because not everyone understands a rotating roster of hate.
He also promises to not be hung daddy on Sundays. This man is an ANGEL.
Claire feels like a right turd, doesn’t she?
Enough of that wedding for now. Rupert is wigging and I’m concerned that he may have a heart attack. Oh dear, he’s dropped the rings and I fear this bloke may actually be a potato.
Now he’s worried about his limp handshake with Evelyn’s dad.
Melinda has diagnosed Rupert with nerves based on his shiny forehead and red ears.
Yeah, Rupert is happy with his MAFS wife. “Jesus Christ, she is something else,” he says. You know he means it because he used the lord’s name.
Stop looking at her tits.
What. The. Fuck. Did. He. Just. Say?
Rupert’s inability to speak in the presence of a 10/10 is the best thing I’ve seen all day.
The worst thing I’ve seen all day? His vows. It’s giving mandatory Year 7 speech.
He cannot find the rings and all of this is just so much funnier because his name is Rupert. I have never met a real-life person with this Christian Naahm.
This guy is also proof that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities someone can have, because my handshake isn’t the only thing that’s limp after watching him interact.
Meanwhile, Claire is being hit with “a ton of shit” which sounds both painful and wet. Now she’s vomiting and fuck me dead, was that audio necessary?
Oh wow, Evelyn has to do all the talking in her joke of a relationship with Rupert. This is my worst nightmare. In fact, this is why I’ve given up on dating. Being the backbone of the conversation is exhausting.
Evelyn tells Rupert that she is steering the ship here and I love her for guiding him. How is he confused?
She feels like talking to Rupert is like hitting her head against a brick wall. I have to agree simply because watching it feels exactly the same. I do, however, feel like she’s saying “Rupert” just for the fun of it now. Like yogalates.
Poor, sweet Jesse thinks Claire might be getting sick, which is why she’s quiet. Oh, Claire’s coming in. She’s going to fess up.
They’re outside now. Claire tells Jesse she has not been perfect and has acted outside of integrity. “I’ve broken your trust. That night that we all went out and…” Claire starts.
I feel like he knows?
“Adam and I went outside, we kissed.”
Jesse is laughing.
“That is classic! I knew it, you know,” he tells her. This is just very sad. I can’t tell what’s sadder — the fact that Claire has to live with the fact that she hooked up with a man who is into crypto or the fact that Jesse was made to feel insecure for no reason.
“Adam, bro, what a dog,” Jesse says. Crypto Dog. I love it.
Jesse can’t wait to see him and I also cannot wait for this. But I am worried for Janelle.
He says for Claire to kiss Crypto Dog after 30 minutes is “so fucked up”. Well then. Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimised by Jesse Buford. 30 minutes is a lifetime when you’re freshly 18.
Jesse says he doesn’t know what kind of kiss it was, but he’s guessing it’s more than what they’ve done in all of three weeks. This is sad now.
I feel like he is really holding back the tears.
He thought he was being pulled outside to be dumped. He says he couldn’t imagine worse but that this information was worse.
I am so ready for the confrontations that will be had on the next episode. And for the MAFS experts to please, please, please take Crypto Dog and Claire to town for this.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram and TikTok.