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I hope you had a very pious Easter, fellow MAFS fiends, because we are about to do some vicarious sinning up in here!! It’s the night of the final commitment ceremony – who will stay! Who will go! Who will yell impotently at Bryce while he makes that smug prick face he’s so fond of!! (Me.)

Just hours away from their couch of torment, the seven remaining couples in the experiment are celebrating their upcoming final humiliations by doing various breakfast things, like sticking cartons of off milk under each other’s noses and making pancakes from bottled mixes like the toddlers they are.

Gordon Ramsay would like a word

Bryce and Melissa are attempting to coming to terms with the fact that no-one in the experiment likes them any more. Liss is all sad that no-one jumped up to greet them when they came into the MAFS dinner party last night. Yeah babe, just one of the side effects of blindly supporting the phenomenal douchebag you’ve been arbitrarily paired up with!

Ooh and what about Alana‘s bombshell about Bryce bragging that he’d be single by the end of the experiment? Obviously it’s not enough to convince Melissa that Bryce is a fuckwit because she’s so deep in denial she’s practically a crocodile.

lovely river mud down here, yum yum

Bryce is like, Everyone’s just bored so they’re making stuff up to entertain themselves! Yeah, ahuh, and aliens built the pyramids.

Everyone is actually entertaining themselves with the age-old MAFS tradition of gossiping about each other. Belinda reckons that Bryce really turned it around last night, but she decided to keep it to herself so she didn’t embarrass Patrick, who continues to think that Bryce is a prick of the highest order. He appreciates it but doesn’t want to silence her. Good luck silencing the sea witch, Pat, but that’s sweet anyway!

tread carefully, mortal

Bel’s thrilled to experience the human emotion of ‘putting others before oneself’. Is that real personal growth I see? Well done everyone!

Except, of course, Jason and Alana, who are sleeping in separate rooms AGAIN because Alana betrayed Jason’s trust… again. In case you missed it, Alana blabbed at the dinner party that Jason had said that Bryce (god typing this is giving me Grade 9 flashbacks) told him that he would be single by New Years – something that Jason apparently told her in confidence.

“Why’s she bringing up conversations and putting me in this fight with my friend in this experiment? There’s no loyalty there,” says the saddest-looking lizard I’ve ever seen. Well, maybe if you a) didn’t have conversations with your idiot mate about how fully sick and cool it is that he’s planning on using his gentle alien bride as a ticket to fame but will totally dump her once the experiment is over IN THE FIRST PLACE and b) didn’t then TALK ABOUT THOSE CONVERSATIONS to your own sweet but simple Hot Teacher wife, we wouldn’t have this problem!

*increasingly agitated lizard noises*

Meanwhile Alana is feeling very upset indeed. I hate seeing her cry and it’s all she’s done for the last like… five weeks! She says that she didn’t want to bring that stuff up during dinner but it’s so hard to get Liss alone (because Bryce is so fucking good at isolating her).

“Liss is a loyal as partner and she sticks up for Bryce in every situation and behind her back Bryce has been saying shit about her. I feel like she deserves to know that,” she says. But she doesn’t want to lose Jason either! Aw sweetie. I’m sure you can find someone else who’s dynamite in the sack and doesn’t force you to keep his idiot boys’ club secrets.

nothing a double-A battery and some quiet time can’t fix

Booka and Brett, despite turning things around since their big breakup, are still in separate rooms. They had a little tete-a-tete on the psycho MAFS couples’ retreat but otherwise it kind of seems like they’re just back to being… friends?

and/or characters in one of your nan’s bodice-rippers

Upstairs, Bryce is still fuming clumsily about being accused of fuckwittery again, this time by Alana. What are he and Liss going to talk about once they’re out in the real world and there are no slights, perceived or otherwise, to occupy the 256 kilobytes of Bryce’s brain power?

the human equivalent of the dial-up modem sound

“I just feel like I’m being attacked constantly,” he pouts, and says he’s been bullied. Someone must have put some pep-pills in Liss’s pancakes, because she’s not just blithely agreeing with her brick idiot husband.

“It’s not bullying,” she says. “Everyone played a part.”

She tells the camera that – gasp!!! – she’s starting to see what everyone else sees. It’s not about their relationship! It’s just about the group vs. Bryce! YES GIRL finally, please continue receiving these signals sent out from the mothership, your people so desperately want to rescue you from this torment.

“He’s just got tunnel vision,” she says.

*petulant static*

Bryce says he’s happy to go home. This is an idiotic thing to say, considering the leave/stay stunt he pulled last week. Time for Melissa to storm out! We love to see equal gender representation in the storming department.

“I’m not going to force anyone to stay with me,” she says. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, let that brick go – preferably off a bridge, into the ocean, forever.

or off that balcony, I’m not fussed

Alana decides (“decides”) that now’s the time to go try to make up with her lizard. She wants to apologise again; she says she tried not to drag him into it. “I’m sorry I had to get you involved in that,” she says. She just wanted to look out for Liss.

The lizard looks less than impressed. I never knew lizards were so hung up on loyalty! Is it an alliteration thing? Whatever, just forget him, Alana! You can do better!

“I’ve had so many people in my life be fucked up by guys like Bryce,” she says.

“Is that more important than our relationship?” sneers Jason.

“It’s not, but it kills me that you still support him so much and you know that he’s not a good guy,” she says though tears. There’s the real crux of the issue: she wants her favourite root rat to be a more noble beast than he actually is. Sorry, Alana! Lizard can’t change his scales, etc!

She says that she’d be so hurt if he said the shit about her that Bryce was saying about Liss, but she still really wants to work things out. She thought they really had something.

Jason’s not having it. He’s cut up about the end of the relationship but there’s no coming back from this betrayal. RIP to the root ratty relationship. We hardly knew ye.

I’ll miss cumming most of all

Here’s Daddy John explaining what the final MAFS commitment ceremony is. We know what it is! Shut up and let us get in on the gender-segregated knitting circle gossip clubs!

appropriately bleak decor here

Jake is looking better than ever in a very fetching pink Uniqlo linen number, and explaining that he’s still feeling unwanted by Bec in a physical sense. The greatest tragedy on TV since they axed Huey’s Kitchen.

For her part, Bec is really leaning on Jake’s outstanding demonstration of chivalry at the couple’s retreat as the reason she’s gone off him (remember? When he stood up and told Bryce to sit the fuck down?). Bec! Just admit that you’re an ancient asexual ice being who has no interest in flesh-made mortals! Stop trying to conjure up completely nonsense reasons to not like your magnificent himbo husband!

srsly tho are you fucking blind

Bryce has his smart person disguise back on but he’s still saying dumb shit. Melissa stormed out on him, boo hoo! He doesn’t know if she’ll write stay or leave! Shut up and who cares.

chicken little looking-ass bitch

Meanwhile Liss is telling the gals that he still wants to leave. Kerry, who has earned my eternal fealty, is like, “Is he worth it?”

“I don’t know,” says Melissa, in a particularly poor bit of amateur acting. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.” You can shut up too, actually. We’ve all seen the Insta posts and we know you’re still together. After all we’ve done for you!!!

We Were All Rooting For You GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Finally, everyone files into the heterotopia of the MAFS Commitment Ceremony room, and John goes on a cute little rant about how inspired all the experts been by everyone’s courage and bravery to try to fall in love (or break up trying). He reminds them that they’ve got FINAL VOWS coming up, because the torment that is MAFS never fucking ends, so this is their absolute last chance to bail on the whole shitshow and try to recoup the last scraps of their sanity.

real horsemen of the apocalypse colour scheme going on here fellas

First up are Belinda and Patrick. Bel is rocking yet another dress-up box ensemble, as I have come to expect and cherish.

never change

They tell the experts about their cute little spa date during the retreat, when Pat was like, “I’m falling for you!” and Bel was like, “Thanks for sharing!” Alessandra is like Girl, throw him a bone – do you like him?

“Pat is special to me, and I do really care about him,” says the sea witch. “I’m starting to really care about how he feels.” She mentions that she had to really go out of her way to support Patrick during his conflict with Bryce.

“You know how much I am against people controlling other people,” says Pat, “so I want you to always have an opinion.” Gentlemen, I hope you’re taking notes.

Alessandra gets all interrogative about their sex life because of course she does. Pat is simultaneously too coy and TMI, as per usual. “A hand went somewhere, and then Bob’s your uncle,” he says, upsettingly.

and this uncle was… part of your sexual congress?

Whatever, I still stan them. They’re both staying, doy! “Thanks for sharing,” laughs Pat. Love that unaccountably confident Mathlete.

Next up is Johnny and Kerry. Once again I forgot they existed, which is absurd because they’re so hot and charming. There’s just no conflict for me to grab onto with my trash-loving racoon hands! Sorry!!

like Teflon they are

They have only nice things to say about each other, and Kerry says she had a few big revelations at the retreat, especially considering that they’re both fresh out of marriages. “He knows how to treat me well,” she says. “I feel really secure. He hasn’t let me down.”

Whatever, says Alessandra, how’s ya sex life! “It’s spicy,” says Johnny. Lord help me. Kerry’s just happy she doesn’t have to talk about sex (or about Johnny’s sex narration). Obviously they’re both staying. I bet the producers are kicking themselves for giving these two the green light. This isn’t good TV! It’s just good nice friend material! Sucked in MAFS team, you did your job properly for once.

Alana and Jason are next. He’s looking redder than ever and I am simply dreading what’s about to go down.

Jason immediately dobs on Alana for telling on him. “Am I wrong in thinking that a private conversation with my wife should not be made public in a public forum if I don’t want it to?” he says.

sassy lizard mode: activated

Alana is like, Yep, I’ve done wrong by him and he’s right to be upset about it. Daddy John wants to know if she’d actually do anything differently at the dinner party.

“No, I don’t regret saying it,” she says. Yes. Finally. Some fucking moral fibre.

“Why would you do it again?” he asks, and Alana gives an absolutely award-winning speech. I simply was not expecting this slightly dim, soft-spoken horny teacher to be the voice of the feminist resistance on this show but here she fucking is!!!

“I care about Liss,” she says. “Liss deserves better and she deserves to know the truth. It’s unfortunate Jason was involved, I tried not to bring Jason’s name into it, but i’m sick of seeing girls get ttreated like shit. It’s easy to let people do the wrong thing to other people, and it shouldn’t be the right thing to do. And I chose the wrong moment but Liss deserved to know that information.” GO THE FUCK OFF, SIS.

Oh and here comes that tedious piece of masonry Bryce, doing what he always whinged about when people did it to him: commentating from the other couch. He’s having a go at Alana for saying stuff that wasn’t true.

“It is true,” she says, and goes on to say a lot of very specific things that certainly help to make it seem fucking true! Like that Jason was going to be on the Gold Coast at New Years and Bryce would be single by then so they should hang out!

He’s like, That was two weeks into the experiment, and Alana’s straight up like, “Bryce, you’re lying through your teeth.”

*clutches pearls*

Ohhhhh god, he’s playing the “you’ve taken it out of context” card. How are the MAFS experts just sitting by and letting this happen? Fortunately none of the other contestants are taking him seriously (except maybe Jason).

that’s it, take him off the foam party guestlist

He says some revisionist shit that I automatically tune out, and then it’s Bec’s turn to jump in for a stir of the pot. “Why would you even say anything about being single?” she asks. Everyone shut up, Alana is speaking!

“Bryce, I will deal with you at another stage,” she says, and thank god we’re finally seeing Teacher Alana show her crowd-handling skills for real.

dunce’s cap. naughty corner. now

“Sorry for calling out that you were lying again,” says Bryce, because he’s a fuckwit.

“Jason, do you want to comment on anything while we’re here about what Bryce is saying?” says Alana, who’s really hit her stride. “Is Bryce telling the truth? Am I a liar?”

WOOF. It might be the three cans of wine but I am on the edge of my SEAT HERE.

“I told you that Bryce said that,” says Jason, impressing me with his commitment to equal distribution of lizard loyalty. “You’re not a liar. If that’s Bryce’s recollection of it, so be it.”

Alana pulls the same face I do.

are you for fucking real brah

“Anyway,” says Alana through gritted teeth. “I want to work on my relationship so I will… talk to Bryce later.”

and by ‘talk’ i mean ‘skin slowly with my acrylics’

She says that she feels like she might sabotage her relationships because she’s scared about things getting serious, and that’s why she said those things to Liss in front of the group. It’s a moment of surprising self-reflection.

Jason just wishes that she hadn’t broken his trust. I keep underestimating the capacity for these two to evoke an emotional response from me!! I’m NOT crying!!!

Alessandra points out that Alana straight-up apologised at the dinner party, with no excuses and genuine remorse, and that’s a really important thing because that’s how you rebuild trust. Once again we are reminded why this sexy gem is leaving MAFS at the end of the season: because she has an actual brain in that gorgeous head of hers.

*laughs in legitimate qualifications*

What’s their decision, then? Alana has chosen to stay, which is going to make Jason stay regardless. Surprisingly, Jason (ever the malleable reptile) has also chosen to stay, because The Boys talked him out of leaving!! My poor little heart can’t take this much jerking around. More wine cans please.

Okay it’s Bec and Jake’s turn, and I truly have no idea which way these two impeccable hotties are going to go. They look fabulous, at least.

your majesties

Jake explains that the whole debacle with Bryce made it hard for the two of them to spend quality time together during the retreat. Bec repeats that the way that Jake responded to Bryce’s behaviour wasn’t okay for her.

In his defence – “I just felt somewhat of an obligation, or a responsibility, to stand up against that type of behaviour,” says Jake. “And I don’t regret that, to be honest. If I was in the outside world, I would stand up for my partner. I’ve grown up in a household where people who you love and care for, that’s what you do.” Hear fucken hear!

What’s the decision, then? Bec is still fixated on Jake’s behaviour at the retreat, and she writes leaves (shocking). Jake is still somehow invested in things, and he wants to stay. Buddy! Why?? I keep telling ya, I’m right here!

can of wine with your name on it babe, any time

Ah whatever, it means both of them have to stay and I’m not complaining about getting to look at their hot faces for another week(s).

Booka and Brett are up. Is it just me or is this whole saga taking forever and not making up for it with nearly enough dopamine hits? Also: post-MAFS diss track. We know this shit doesn’t work out.

Anyway Booka is glad that Brett wrote stay last week, because she got the opportunity to reflect on their relationship and feel a bit better about things. Also they had a cute sleepover at the retreat. In their pyjamas. Or at least… their pyjama tops.

tell me everything immediately

“Yes, we had sex,” says Booka. God I love her. Still no guarantee that she’s staying though! She says the trust still isn’t 100% there. If there’s anyone to make me burst into the MAFS theme song with unbridled gusto, it’s these two: LET! THEM! GO!!!

She has decided to leave – with a smiley face and a love heart, because “Brett’s still a legend”. The romantic side of things has just gone. What does Brett’s moustache have to say about that? Well, they’ve learned so much about themselves that… WHAT I am GOBSMACKED: he wants to leave too!

Enamoratrix — I couldn't find this anywhere, so I made it.

Omg everyone else is devvoed, including the experts. Sorry that the two funnest and most charismatic people are ditching you all! Do better next time!

it’s not us, it’s you

They’re totally going to stay friends. Someone please option this for a low-budget dramedy and pay these two a squillion dollars for the rights. Also just quietly can we also take moment to appreciate all the gals doing the heart-hands at each other? I simply cannot overstate my delight at the sleeper feminist movement happening on the set of MAFS this year. Chicks forever.

now that’s what I call consciousness raising

Penultimate MAFS couch victims are Liam and Georgia. She is looking her Elle Woods-est and he is looking absolutely smitten, which is what I like to see.

Harvard Law School isn’t worthy

These two are another pair that the producers must be kicking themselves over. They have not much to report, because things have just been going so well! Four weeks in and they feel like they’ve known each other for forever.

“You know I was on the shitter today and Georgia’s at the door talking to me,” says Liam. Dad!!!!! Gross!!!! Are feelings developing, though? Are they ever.

Liam reveals that the morning after the last commitment ceremony, Georgia woke up and was crying, saying that she was falling for him and scared she was going to lose him. It’s too cute! Obviously they both want to stay. Now get outta here you two! Go get that shag carpeted swinging mansion that I know you’re going to purchase together, and please invite me to your next keys party.

Finally, we arrive at tonight’s main course of unbridled unpleasantness and needless dramatics: Bryce and Melissa. They’re still in a shit with each other after Liss walked out. It’s a stroppy side of her that I’m loving with every molecule of my blackened little heart.

“The retreat was an absolute shitshow,” says Liss accurately. “It all really stemmed from the comment that Bryce made during our last commitment ceremony about bullying.” She says that she agreed with Bec and Jake that it wasn’t bullying. God this is tedious – just as tedious as the retreat was!

She says she tried to address things at the dinner party even though she didn’t want to because she doesn’t like being the centre of attention. You’re with the wrong bloke if that’s the case, babe. Unfortunately, even though Bryce “goes to bat” for her, he does things differently to how she would. Yeah, because you’re a beautiful alien princess and he’s a piece of construction material made of dried up dirt!

exhibit A

“But this type of behaviour just can’t keep happening,” she says. “It’s just not healthy. It’s so toxic.”

John wants to ask Bryce a question that’s been on his mind for several weeks. I am very ready for Daddy to read Bryce to the gods. Why, he wonders, does Bryce attract so much hostility from the rest of the MAFS contestants?

“What do you think you might be doing to contribute to the fact that the group is now against you?” asks John.

Bryce spouts some Disney-ass bullshit about being true to himself and honest. Shut up you intolerable dork. John points out that other people have also been honest, and Bryce is like, “That’s a crock of shit.” Not enough cans of wine in the world to deal with this muppet!

John’s like, This is a pattern, and we’re worried that the pair of you are not going to have any friends.

Bryce reckons that everyone else is just manipulating the MAFS experiment to suit their own agenda. Alana rightly points out that they have nothing to benefit from doing that! John’s just trying to help them recognise patterns. Bryce is like, “It’s very evident I don’t want to be here,” because he is an imbecile.

“Melissa, how confident are you in this relationship lasting?” asks Joh.

“I have very little confidence,” she says.

correct

Are we really ending this episode with more of the experts trying to get through to Bryce? It can’t be done, you guys! Stop bashing your heads against this particular brick!

They won’t. Can’t he see that he always blames other people instead of himself, and that’s antagonistic behaviour? He can not. Quelle surprise.

John tries to bring the focus back to the pair of them. How are they feeling about each other? Liss says she’s still falling for him, especially when he’s “himself”, whatever the fuck that means. Bryce says that he felt “the click” on the weekend, to which I say HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT.

Women Hate Him! One Weird Trick To Tie Down Your Long-Suffering Love Interest

“I’m basically at a point where I am falling in love with Melissa,” he says. She looks so stoked and it makes me feel sick. Everyone else looks nauseated too.

“I’ve never really had this before,” says Liss. “So I’m pretty ecstatic, to be honest.” Ughhhh, honey. No.

At least Bryce has learned from last week, and written STAY with a big love heart. After some serious consideration, Liss has also decided to stay – but she says that things better improve between them. I love to see her stand up for herself but I have zero confidence that it will make any difference. That guy is an immovable object and he deserves to remain unmoved and alone for the rest of his life.

“I’m not taking any shit anymore,” she says. We can only hope that that is true.

And THAT, thank Christ, IS THE END OF THE EPISODE. Bye Booka and Brett! Bye last shreds of sanity for everyone else! See you tomorrow, for what I can only assume from the previews will be depths of despair as yet unplumbed by this cursed experiment. Until then, beloved goblins, stay grubby!!!