A bunch of MAFS stars have engaged in a rap battle on Fitzy & Wippa to milk any and all press opportunities they have left. ‘Twas lit.

You can watch it below or keep scrolling read my take on the whole thing. There were hardly any eps this week and I’m in a recapping mood. Don’t be mad.

Fitzy, a past reality TV contestant mind you, kicks things off. “Welcome to the cast of the love experiment, smash a glass, share a nude and grab your therapist,” he raps to launch the rap-come-roast.

He then goes on to asks them if they were “high as a kite” to go on this show, which would probably be illegal but is also a solid justification.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
there were… drugs to be had?

“Then poor Ella with bruh Mitch, you got paired up with an emotional grinch!”

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
lolol at least the Grinch had hair

Matt, you were matched up with peculiar Kate, she thought your head was rougher than Bass Strait.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
😮 😮 😮

Selina was matched with Cody. Out of the seven dwarves, he’d be Dopey.”

“I’ll finish with poor Al, he’s so immature. He’s not dumb! He’s currently on a Bachelor tour.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
praying for MAFS groupies everywhere

Wippa also gives it a crack but it’s a bit awkward and obvious, IMO. Sorry Wippa, love you. This line was decent though: “Holly, what a pity, Andrew wasn’t the best. Hey at least he got on the show, unlike his audition for SAS.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
i needn’t and i shan’t hear this

Selina’s next.

“Being married on telly can give you the creeps, but nothing’s as scary as Cody’s sticky bed sheets.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
he likes a side of cum with his Batman hehe

“As Celine says, my heart will go on, if Cody doesn’t last – new couple alert: Selina Dion!”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
Dom = Julia Roberts no teeth gif

Alright Matt, man who was robbed of precious airtime, show us what you got.

“Kate and I are over, it’s history, but no women will pash me because of Chicken Twisties! So here I am, with my heart in a bin, until I found out Kate has an identical twin.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
you’re doing great sweetie

“Andrew’s slept with many women, it’s a bit of crass. But when you’ve slept with 300, why bother doing maths?” Matt continues.

So true. Give up after 20.

WAIT. Did he say maths? or MAFS? Either way, yes, stop bothering in general, Deep South Daddy.

Brent, my short king who’s not even that short, is up on the mic.

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
u got dis bro

Tamara said she was keen, but there was a glitch, ’cause she was busy firing naughty messages to Mitch.”

OK, we knew that one. We love it, but keep hanging shit on her like you did for final vows.

“She’s killing it at real estate, or so I’m told, but just like most of her properties, I’m not sold.”

MAFS Recap: Ella Reveals Mitch Asked Her To Fucc In Public Dunnies During A Radio Rap Battle
boom

Good. Nice. Witty. Sure.

Holly! This should be interesting.

She basically says she was matched with “a creep” – her words, not mine – and that Wippa could compete with Deep South Daddy because he drinks too much scotch and falls asleep.

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
no one calls me a dud root and gets away with it

Nice Guy (Jack) is up. I feel like he’s really taking this seriously? And I’m not just talking about his outfit. (Living for this ski jacket BTW.)

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
see you on the slopes doll xx

He makes an obvious Will Smith joke but I am so beyond entertaining that news anymore. He also mentions his sweet baby angel Finn because Finn is life / was likely not allowed in the studio.

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
oop doggy dog

“Meeting Dom’s dad, was quite scary, I’ve never seen Crocs on a man who was so hairy. Actually, I have seen someone like that already! I saw Wippa wearing them and thought,  how’d they fit crocs onto that yetti?”

SAVAGE.

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
Oi! None of that in my studio!

Bebe Al. You’re up. You were born for this (when you came into this world two years ago).

“Wassup, it’s Al and I love to dance. Watch me worm my way, into your pants.”

mafs rap battle fitzy and wippa
my neck hath recoiled

“I love a shoey, I do it with bravado. I’m like a less-successful version of Daniel Ricciardo.”

“I’m a mumma’s boy, just ask me. I get my cooking, cleaning, done for free.”

mafs rap battle ftizy and wippa
Resting John Face would be so disappointed

@badgalella!

“My relationship didn’t go as planned, I think half of Andrew’s partners were on his hands.”

“Carolina and Dan they just can’t hack it. Their behaviour’s as distasteful as Dion’s jackets.”

MAFS Recap: Ella Reveals Mitch Asked Her To Fucc In Public Dunnies During A Radio Rap Battle
i criticise Bal-marn jackets

“We followed the experts like disciples, but they hooked me up with a guy who looks like George Michael.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

“His big earrings did kind of spoil it, especially when he suggested we go fuck in a public toilet.”

Should we… be surprised?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
UNHYGIENC

Princess Bogan (Domenica) is up and I can smell her new radio career from here.

mafs rap battle ftizy and wippa
just like Richard Mercer, only bogan

“It’s been a big season, it’s been quite a lot, because Olivia leaked photos of my honesty box!”

“But I wouldn’t quit for any reason, ’cause they wouldn’t choose us for Celebrity Apprentice …unless we finished the whole season.”

Fuck, would pay to see Ballarat Paris (Tamara) on that and try and understand fancy job names that aren’t in the real estate sector. Nice Guy gives Princess Bogan a big hug because they are absolutely still together, or, at the very least, the very best of fucc buddies.

mafs rap battle ftizy and wippa
proud of you bby

Sledge heaven. Very cringe, but also I AM SO FUCKING AMPED FOR THE REUNION. BRING IT ON.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can find her on IG here.

Image: Fitzy & Wippa