A bunch of MAFS stars have engaged in a rap battle on Fitzy & Wippa to milk any and all press opportunities they have left. ‘Twas lit.
You can watch it below or keep scrolling read my take on the whole thing. There were hardly any eps this week and I’m in a recapping mood. Don’t be mad.
Fitzy, a past reality TV contestant mind you, kicks things off. “Welcome to the cast of the love experiment, smash a glass, share a nude and grab your therapist,” he raps to launch the rap-come-roast.
He then goes on to asks them if they were “high as a kite” to go on this show, which would probably be illegal but is also a solid justification.
“Then poor Ella with bruh Mitch, you got paired up with an emotional grinch!”
“Matt, you were matched up with peculiar Kate, she thought your head was rougher than Bass Strait.”
“Selina was matched with Cody. Out of the seven dwarves, he’d be Dopey.”
“I’ll finish with poor Al, he’s so immature. He’s not dumb! He’s currently on a Bachelor tour.”
Wippa also gives it a crack but it’s a bit awkward and obvious, IMO. Sorry Wippa, love you. This line was decent though: “Holly, what a pity, Andrew wasn’t the best. Hey at least he got on the show, unlike his audition for SAS.”
“Being married on telly can give you the creeps, but nothing’s as scary as Cody’s sticky bed sheets.”
“As Celine says, my heart will go on, if Cody doesn’t last – new couple alert: Selina Dion!”
Alright Matt, man who was robbed of precious airtime, show us what you got.
“Kate and I are over, it’s history, but no women will pash me because of Chicken Twisties! So here I am, with my heart in a bin, until I found out Kate has an identical twin.”
“Andrew’s slept with many women, it’s a bit of crass. But when you’ve slept with 300, why bother doing maths?” Matt continues.
So true. Give up after 20.
WAIT. Did he say maths? or MAFS? Either way, yes, stop bothering in general, Deep South Daddy.
Brent, my short king who’s not even that short, is up on the mic.
“Tamara said she was keen, but there was a glitch, ’cause she was busy firing naughty messages to Mitch.”
OK, we knew that one. We love it, but keep hanging shit on her like you did for final vows.
“She’s killing it at real estate, or so I’m told, but just like most of her properties, I’m not sold.”
Good. Nice. Witty. Sure.
Holly! This should be interesting.
She basically says she was matched with “a creep” – her words, not mine – and that Wippa could compete with Deep South Daddy because he drinks too much scotch and falls asleep.
Nice Guy (Jack) is up. I feel like he’s really taking this seriously? And I’m not just talking about his outfit. (Living for this ski jacket BTW.)
He makes an obvious Will Smith joke but I am so beyond entertaining that news anymore. He also mentions his sweet baby angel Finn because Finn is life / was likely not allowed in the studio.
“Meeting Dom’s dad, was quite scary, I’ve never seen Crocs on a man who was so hairy. Actually, I have seen someone like that already! I saw Wippa wearing them and thought, how’d they fit crocs onto that yetti?”
Bebe Al. You’re up. You were born for this (when you came into this world two years ago).
“Wassup, it’s Al and I love to dance. Watch me worm my way, into your pants.”
“I love a shoey, I do it with bravado. I’m like a less-successful version of Daniel Ricciardo.”
“I’m a mumma’s boy, just ask me. I get my cooking, cleaning, done for free.”
“My relationship didn’t go as planned, I think half of Andrew’s partners were on his hands.”
“Carolina and Dan they just can’t hack it. Their behaviour’s as distasteful as Dion’s jackets.”
“We followed the experts like disciples, but they hooked me up with a guy who looks like George Michael.”
“His big earrings did kind of spoil it, especially when he suggested we go fuck in a public toilet.”
Should we… be surprised?
Princess Bogan (Domenica) is up and I can smell her new radio career from here.
“It’s been a big season, it’s been quite a lot, because Olivia leaked photos of my honesty box!”
“But I wouldn’t quit for any reason, ’cause they wouldn’t choose us for Celebrity Apprentice …unless we finished the whole season.”
Fuck, would pay to see Ballarat Paris (Tamara) on that and try and understand fancy job names that aren’t in the real estate sector. Nice Guy gives Princess Bogan a big hug because they are absolutely still together, or, at the very least, the very best of
Sledge heaven. Very cringe, but also I AM SO FUCKING AMPED FOR THE REUNION. BRING IT ON.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can find her on IG here.