Welcome back to our second MAFS commitment ceremony. I’m thrilled to confirm we lose some tributes this time ’round.
Ahead of their couples counselling sessions, Nice Guy has surprised Princess Bogan with a box of flowers. It is not a box of period-sex IOUs, but will have to do. Even through she deserves all the roots in the world after seeing through Deep South Douche‘s BS.
Nice Guy did write her a note to go with the tree branches but does not remember what it said. How sweet.
Brent still won’t touch Ballarat Paris or her feet with a 10-foot pole. He says he can’t live a normal life constantly compromising his beliefs, like retail workers being actual human beings, in order to satisfy her. Meanwhile she thinks he has a bit of a temper, which, to be fair, is not a lie.
Selina and Cody have engaged in rumpy pumpy, proving only that if you spend enough time with someone, you will end up having sex.
Cody believes they’re “on track now”, unlike his hair.
Sam and Bebe Al appear to be fighting for some reason other than him not knowing how to wash the dishes. Sam has found out that other couples didn’t pash for the pash challenge, so now she feels like she was pressured into the task.
Holly is unsure if Deep South Douche’s unlaundered asshole will be sitting on the Couch of Ouch tonight. That said, she’s hoping he doesn’t show face so that she can actually speak her ~truth~. Unfortunately she’s feeling isolated because all her experiment friends are in fact dickheads who are easily persuaded.
The wives and husbands have their routine pre-ceremony chat and Holly is letting the girls have it for shitting on the sisterhood.
Olivia, who I no longer recognise, tells Holly that Andrew’s words didn’t persuade her but that Holly’s behaviour had her taking the Texan’s side.
Holly kindly asks Olivia to think about what has made her act in such a way (Deep South Douche). Holly then declares war between her and her husband, again.
@badgalella shares her concerns about Baby Seal being a baby idiot to her at the dinner party where he reincarnated into a F-bombing demon. Selina is glad she brought that up because she is a feminist.
Meanwhile, @badgalella and Princess Bogan are very excited about the roots Selina and Cody are finally having.
Deep South Douche!
He is alive! Just like Simba.
But will he rock up to the commitment ceremony?
Nope. We’re there now and he has not rocked up. Resting John Face confirms that our Deep South Douche has decided to leave the experiment for good, likely so he can get back on track with the weekly roots.
Interestingly, the puppets have now decided to support Holly after previously tearing her a new one.
Holly plonks herself on the Couch of Ouch and there’s a watery diarrhoea coming out of her Mila Kunis eyes. She tells the experts a completely factual account of what’s happened. She says her “heart was broken” when the group basically attacked her at the dinner party.
She is self-aware and knows she struggles to get her words right, especially when being brain-fucked by a man who constantly belittles her. She has written something down to address the group. Here’s hoping it’s a manifestation that sees @celeb_spellcheck hanging shit on them after the experiment.
“This man went to such lengths to make me look bad when I walked into the room,” says Holly. “He had more chances from me than he had deserved.”
She continues: “Andrew took my voice and he silenced me. This is my voice, and believe me, I am here to speak to the people in a relationship who have been silenced, and who are not believed.”
Yes, you good woman. Just because people act nice in public, it does not mean they are nice in private. Take notes, all.
Holly tells them she felt alone and attacked. Selin cries, confirming that she does in fact have a heart.
Jackson wants to jump in and please don’t make me hate him and his penchant for public indecency. He says everyone was willing to listen to Holly’s side of the story.
Selin comes in to tell her Genovians that they’re being peasants. “In my view, she didn’t get the benefit of the doubt from the group.”
I… don’t…. hate you Selin?
“I think the point is, she couldn’t explain,” Selin continues.
Olivia has lost her lips.
Princess Bogan, our Bogan of the poiple, has now jumped in. “The fact that he’s not here tells us everything. Holly rocked up tonight and laid herself bare on that couch, we need to respect that.”
Nup. Olivia has an issue and her lips have popped back out of her face. She thinks Holly’s behaviour hasn’t been “100% adult”.
Holly says she wasn’t allowed to be a mature person in this relationship because Deep South Douche wouldn’t let her finish a sentence (as well as finish other things, I’m sure).
Jackson maintains he’s being a good person trying to listen to both sides of the story even though he is clearly more interested in Deep South Douche’s side. Fuck I’m upset. I fear Jackson may have lost some brain cells.
The MAFS experts have jumped in and thank god. They ask Holly what she’s learned. Holly says she cooked Deep South Douche breakfast, lunch and dinner, and that it might’ve been too much. But I’m sure Bebe Al would’ve frothed.
Holly says she knows now that she is enough. The experts wish her well but I hope they’re paying for all the therapy she’ll need after this.
Olivia and Jackson are up. Jackson says Alessandra‘s sex box opened up a few things for him, and even though he’s had period sex before and enjoys public indecency, he’s never played with sex toys. But Liv is a good teacher!
Alessandra acknowledges that Olivia has been acting a lil’ rogue. Olivia then apologises to Holly for not using words the best that she could’ve but it’s not hugely convincing given she was still getting up her 30 seconds ago.
Olivia says she’s never felt this way before and reminds everyone that her and Jackson are the reigning couple. Then she starts getting emotional.
“I wish my dad could see this” she says, before noting that him and Jackson would’ve gotten along well. It’s so fucking hard to bring new people into your life when someone close to you has died. I get it.
Olivia and Jackson both choose to stay – shook – but Resting John Face reminds them he’s got some things up his sleeve to fuck everything up. How nice of him!
Sam and Bebe Al. Sam is wearing a leather jacket and a choker to remind Al that he better shape up, because she needs a man, and her heart is set on him.
Resting John Face has made an observation. He says Bebe Al’s usually energetic and bubbly but that something, or someone, has sucked the life out of him.
Bebe Al admits Fucc week was a bit fucced. He says he worries about touching Sam, before Alessandra checks her notes and brings up the kissing assignment.
Sam says it wasn’t good and Alessandra is confused because she was under the impression that affection was what Sam wanted.
Bebe Al says he can’t read Sam and her signals. But Sam thinks Bebe Al’s PDA is all for show. She says doing these things in private would make her feel more comfortable about doing it in public and that Bebe Al hasn’t “earned” it.
Alessandra makes it clear that consent is important and that no one should do anything that makes them uncomfortable but that Bebe Al didn’t force anything. Bebe Al doesn’t know if Sam likes her, even though she says she does, because of what’s happened.
The group convinces Al that Sam likes her. Resting John Face reminds Sam that Al can’t read minds and that she needs to communicate.
Al decides to stay in adult font! Sam stays in incorrect child font! That’s cute, even though that is a fucking horrific attempt at the iconic S.
Selin’s feeling pretty smug after retrieving Regular Daddy Anthony from the bus she put him under and they both choose to stay in the quickest Couch of Ouch session I ever did see.
Princess Bogan wants to know her ass looks good and Nice Guy is learning to appreciate her nice ass.
Princess Bogan reckons she’s got the best husband and after Jackson’s opinions tonight she could very well be onto something. You know something ain’t right when the guy who doesn’t have period sex is the cream of the crop.
Selina and Cody tell Alessandra they fucked and everyone cheers like children. They both choose to stay. This is nice given some men can’t even be bothered to bring you the clean-up towel, let alone hang around another week.
Mel Schilling orders them to keep penetrating.
Everyone fist bumps to celebrate the consummation. I’m at the point of rolling my eyes every time I see knuckles (sorry, Olivia, I promise I’m 100% adult).
Baby Seal and @badgalella. Oh Baby Seal you gon get it.
Resting John Face gets right in to Baby Seal’s conversation with @badgalella at the dinner party.
“The delivery was brutal,” Resting John Face says.
“Brutal?” Baby Seal asks because he left his Merriam-Webster at home.
“Yeah I can be blunt sometimes,” says Baby Seal who clearly does not compute.
The MAFS experts tell him he is demeaning and condescending, implying that being a laser hair removalist does not give you a free pass to be a dismissive dickhead. @badgalella looks secretly stoked that the experts are validating how she felt. But all in all, I think our slimy man fish got off easy.
Moving on to how they feel about each other when Baby Seal isn’t a moaning turtle(neck), @badgalella confirms they are getting “deeper” and “it’s really nice”. Mitch says “he is loving every day” which from his mouth is basically award-winning poetry.
They both decide to stay and then they tongue after realising what no tongue did to Holly and Deep South Douche.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are up to the Couch of Ouch and are straight into the argument about the TV volume.
She is not happy with his scrunchy face and overall existence.
Brent says he’s seen a side of Ballarat Paris he had never seen before, even though I’m pretty sure he attended his own wedding.
Then they have an argument about whether or not Ballarat Paris called him a cunt.
It went a little something like this:
Brent goes on to say that Ballarat Paris is a “very difficult person” who limits his nap-time. Alright I guess that is a bit cunty.
Ballarat Paris says she is worried about being m!ssundazt00d.
Brent and Ballarat Paris decide to stay and call each other cunts some more.
Resting John Face asks Ballarat Paris and Brent to tell each other what they need – in front of the entire group. Brent wants positive vibes only so he can keep being Miley, and Ballarat Paris wants patience and communication.
They’re so fucked.
Things wrap up with Resting John Face wishing Holly all the best after ruining her life.
But tomorrow night we’re getting some more weddings! Unfortunately they all appear to be heterosexual.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.