Tonight is another MAFS dinner party and I’m so ready for Deep South Douche to get REAMED after Holly kicked his unpegged butt to the kerb.
Everyone’s getting prepped and Baby Seal Mitch is back in his pornstar turtleneck.
Look I know some of you thought he looked like a Wiggle but this is not someone I would want my nieces and nephews to learn from.
@badgalella is feeling insecure because he’s not putting enough effort into anything aside from his new adult entertainment career.
Jackson and Olivia confirm they’re rooting heaps and that if it was a competition (it is) they’d be winning.
Regular Daddy Anthony is polishing his shoes with a Chux wipe, and Selin is offering to do his hair in a combover as her attempt to change who he is continues.
Fake tan? Check!
New hair? Check!
Skin his face off and replace it with hers so she can actually look at him? To be continued.
Sam has reincarnated into the ocean in an attempt to make Bebe Al feel like he can actually score.
Holly is preparing a master plan to ruin Andrew’s life after he called her a narcissist. She looks bangin’ so we’re already half-way there. “This is war,” she declares.
Deep South Douche reckons he’s gonna walk in and give her a hug and I can’t wait to see that go fucking terribly.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are fighting because the volume of the TV was not up to her standards.
The fight keeps going for the car ride there and even at the party itself. Fun! Can’t wait for the group to brainstorm a very obvious solution with them.
Olivia and Jackson walk in to remind them how dumb they are, followed by Selin and Anthony who are living proof that if they can get along, anyone can. Selin is all smug and clearly succeeding at her reputation-scrubbing strategy.
Princess Bogan walks in with a pearl neck…line, and Nice Guy.
Princess Bogan apologises to Regular Daddy for making a grave error in judgement and interrogating him at the last dinner party. Kind of.
Princess Bogan has realised she targeted the wrong Daddy so they start discussing Deep South Douche’s objectively bad behaviour instead.
Deep South Douche walks in and convinces everyone he is hurt and remorseful. For some dumb reason Ballarat Paris and Olivia are siding with him, because they think Holly was disrespectful during the commitment ceremony.
Sorry ladies, but I’d love to see how you react to being told you’re a dud root and a narcissist on national telly. We know full-well Ballarat Paris would cut rank and spank him inside the nearest JB Hi-Fi.
He got off lightly with an eye-roll from Holly.
He is playing sad and conveniently censoring his inner-wanker for this performance – and everyone’s buying it. This guy is good and a king manipulator. Now I’m understanding how he tricked people into both marrying and sleeping with him.
He’s cry-bombed everyone and now they’re hugging him? What the fuck. What is wrong with people to think that he is the one being hard done by? And to be honest, he didn’t even have to try that hard.
This is well and truly cooked. I feel like even I’m second-guessing myself? Is this how he does it? It’s working.
He says the only thing he can control is his own behaviour even though he is controlling everyone’s perception of Holly before her and her hot self walk through the doors. He’s just been really, really clever about it. Speaking sensibly in a group setting does not erase speaking douchey in a 1:1 setting.
“I felt that energy that they really wanted to go after Holly. That’s a reflection of Holly not me.”
FUCK YOU.
FUUUUUUCK YOU.
Ballarat Paris reckons Holly’s expectations are too high which is a bit rich a) coming from her retail-hating mouth and b) that Holly was just glad her husband hadn’t murdered anyone.
Holly walks in with the biggest woo-girl energy I’ve ever seen.
She is now free from insults and emotional abuse and it’s beautiful, albeit a little in-your-face. This is the behaviour of someone who smashed a bag at pres.
She completely shafts Andrew which is a pleasure to witness. He keeps asking her how she is from across the room, namely so everyone can hear him and further buy into her being the bad one.
She’s going ham at the bar and I feel like she’s going to get fucking lit tonight in more ways than one. Andrew tries getting her attention at the bar and she still doesn’t want to listen.
I mean… fair? Every time he speaks to her he makes her feel like shit. I’ve literally avoided conversation with people just because it’s safer for my sanity. I get it. He has done this to her.
Holly drags her chair away from Andrew at the dinner table, which again, is a bit dramatic, but I’ll allow it. Unfortunately it’s not helping matters given she’s already under attack from those who’ve fallen victim to Andrew’s spell.
The girls are interrogating her and are so convinced she’s in the wrong because Deep South Douche shed a tear.
Princess Bogan is the only one that’s sensing the serious emotional manipulation here and thank fuck someone is.
“I think we’re all a bit blinded by his beautiful ‘I’m Tony Robbins‘ bullshit,” Princess Bogan tells the cameras.
Deep South Douche realises his cover has been blown and needs to take Princess Bogan back down a motivational rabbit hole.
“Do I think he’s a bit of a bullshit artist? Yeah, I do!”
GOOD BOGAN.
WE LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE SO SMART.
10 ROOTS THIS WEEK FOR PRINCESS BOGAN.
Now please go talk some sense into Olivia so I can resume obsessing over her existence.
Bebe Al spills red wine and he’s shitting bricks that Sam will be disappointed. Oh sweet man puppy. He doesn’t know which of Sam’s body parts he should touch to show affection.
Baby Seal reckons @badgalella sits like his mum and do with that what you will. Cody tells Selina she is better than “pretty OK” as a wife.
Bugger, why must we consistently lower the bar to receive the bare minimum out of a partner?
@badgalella is wondering if Baby Seal can see them together beyond the experiment, and he totally disregards her because they’re two weeks in. “Who cares to be honest?” he asks her, which I’m sure made her overjoyed.
YOU ARE ON AN EXPERIMENT TO FIND A RELATIONSHIP.
OF COURSE SHE CARES.
Our Baby Seal has started swearing incessantly at @badgalella because he is in porn movies now and therefore rough.
He says this, which is fucked:
He is being a very unusual Baby Seal right now, telling her that he doesn’t need to make @badgalella feel good because anyone on the street can do that to try and get in her pants.
Let’s keep following this truly baffling conversation:
What the fuck? Does he think P in the V is the only thing he has to do to make a relationship work?
What board? Does he have a blackboard with his conquests? Is “board” code for “radar”? What is HAPPENING?
Has Baby Seal always been this much of a dickwad and we’ve been to focussed on his hairless ass to tell? I thought his inability to converse and grow hair were his only downfalls, but I guess I was wrong.
He has completely dismissed @badgalella and she’s not sticking up for herself which is both sad and triggering for many, I bet.
No man is hot enough to make you feel like your concerns aren’t valid or that you can’t speak up.
I hate Uncle Jamie Baby Seal!
And honestly, having a hairless face doesn’t even make you hot. It just makes you hairless.
He continues swearing because his vocabulary is evidently limited. It’s very aggressive, uncalled for and just plain nasty. The MAFS experts are going to speak with him about this later (at the commitment ceremony).
Sam has come up for air from her oceanic dress to ask Brent and Ballarat Paris how they are. It has prompted another argument around the TV volume, and look, as long as it’s on an even number I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
Ballarat Paris thinks Brent is as fake as her toenail. She is now getting upset and yes, it is a bit confronting when someone makes you feel like you’re the worst in front of a whole room of people.
Selin is very interested in hearing why Holly despises Andrew in preparation for the imminent husband swap.
Bebe Al has taken Holly for a chat because he is worried about her. He is so naive I could die. I love that she keeps calling him “my darling” and speaking to him like he is her son.
She quickly deflects to talking about his and Sam’s relationship, choosing to tutor him through the mechanics of foreplay.
She tells him to brush past her in the kitchen and hold her hip to get her horny. She is roleplaying the situation and I’m sorry honey, but are you drunk?
The MAFS experts are all of us watching at home:
Al is processing while at the same time strategising an exit plan.
“When you try and go for the nether regions, that’s not what we want at all! ” Holly tells him during phase 2 of the sex masterclass.
Regular Daddy is convinced he can help Holly given he once forgave PrinCESS of Genovia AKA Selin. He decides to go speak to Holly and here’s hoping some sparks fly.
Holly tells her new husband that she’s feeling emotionally unsafe, before Selin decides to break up the brewing romance by throwing Deep South Douche into the mix. She walks in wearing a dominatrix dress that’ll whip them into shape.
Apparently she is now an expert when it comes to solving relationship problems.
Holly tells Deep South Douche he’s made her feel “lesser than dirt” for the 350th time tonight. She continues to talk about him like he’s not there and it’s very entertaining.
She’s just sick of being balls deep in insults and can we blame her? Flames are literally coming out of her ears right now and I am waiting in anticipation for her to spontaneously combust.
Deep South Douche reckons he’s going home tonight, and I’d say I’ll believe it when I see it, but I’ve already been wrong the previous two times. He is cockroach who just won’t die.
Holly’s convinced he’ll be back for the commitment ceremony to insult her some more. I would agree if it wasn’t for Sunday night’s trailer showing her sitting on the Couch of Ouch alone.
Is Deep South Douche gone for good? Will Baby Seal buy a swear jar? Will Brent massage Ballarat Paris’ fake toenail with the remote?
Until then.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.
