Let’s get straight into this MAFS recap because it’s going to be all kinds of fucked.
We pick things up where we left them last night, when Claire told Jesse that she kissed Crypto Dog (Adam).
“It’s fair to say this is not going to continue, so I’ll see you whenever I see ya,” Jesse says before walking away from Claire. He wants to talk to “Haz” which I believe to be Harrison AKA Bunnings Daddy.
What in god’s name would that man offer? Surely he’d just be like, “Well, girls tell me I’m hot all the time, and I kiss them whether they have a celebrant husband or not.”
That’s not what Bunnings Daddy said. He actually said, “Bro, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry that happened, man!”
I’ve never heard Bunnings Daddy sound so enthusiastic. Is he excited someone trumped him with the fuckups? Did Bunnings Daddy get a new voice? I don’t recognise whatever’s coming out of his throat.
“They gaslit you, they didn’t validate a fucking thing you said and they made you feel small and insignificant and wrong,” Bunnings Daddy tells him. Damn, you’d think he was the one who got cheated on. I wouldn’t put it past him to have also been hooking up with Claire, though?
“That doesn’t sit right with me and I really wanted to call that out.” Jesse is happy he chose “Haz” for this.
“I don’t particularly like Jesse,” Bunnings Daddy tells the producers. I just spat out my water. I thought they were bros! “But I believe in doing the right thing.”
LOL. Do you, though?
Claire is crying. She says this is the hardest thing she’s ever done. But if she didn’t hook up with Crypto Dog, maybe she could’ve done something harder tonight. Sorry. She is trying not to vomit.
Jesse has to sit through surrounding wedding speeches and laughter while harbouring this information. They have brilliantly edited in the audio of things Crypto Dog and Claire have said previously in the lead up to Jesse tearing up and walking outside. We’ve all been here, haven’t we?
Bronte is an aware queen who comforts him and asks him if he’s ok.
Jesse is ready to confront the “dog of dogs” AKA Crypto Dog.
“I think you better come with me,” Jesse tells him.
“Let me get some shoes,” he responds.
“Grab some balls while you’re at it, bro,” Jesse says to himself. Quick! Witty! I like it.
Jesse gives Cyrpto Dog to the opportunity to own up to being a dirty dawg, before they start swearing and communicating in a very profane and bro-y way.
“Say you fucking kissed her!” Jesse yells and wow, this is very dramatic.
Adam is laughing. I think Jesse is calling him a cunt?
“I’m a cunt then,” Crypto Dog accepts. At least he’s seeing things clearly?
Or is he? “That’s full of shit I didn’t hook up with Claire!” he claims.
“You saw what she was like that whole time, but it’s me that’s taking the wrap for this. That’s what I’m not standing for. ”
SORRY WHAT.
Crypto Dog is saying that “his missus” came onto him and yuck yuck yuck. He also says there’s more to the story? I truly can’t handle any more to this story.
Neither can Claire. She can hear the ruckus.
Oh dear she’s going out there.
“It was just one stupid little drunken kiss that happened, Jesse,” Crypto Dog says.
Ah, the old “drunk” line cheaters whip out to blame anything and anyone but themselves.
“I feel like I’m the one copping all the heat for this,” he tells them. What is this man on? You are to blame as much as Claire is? You told her to keep it secret?
“Nah fair enough, it was on me, I should’ve told you sooner,” Claire tells Jesse. No sis.
They say it hasn’t continued on in some scandalous affair on anything.
Crypto Dog says he is ready to “wear it” and whatever, as long as he changes this excuse for an outfit he’s in now.
Claire says she won’t blame the kiss on being drunk because she was aware of what they were doing. I like this from her even though I don’t necessarily like her right now.
Claire would like to talk to Jesse. It’s a no from him.
Maybe later, then? Uh, no thanks.
Tomorrow? I think he’d prefer that she burnt in crystal hell, hey.
Janelle‘s turn! Sorry, I’m actually not excited about that. Let me try again. Janelle’s turn.
Crypto Dog tries to glaze over the whole thing and smushes the information about him and Claire amongst a bunch of other nonsense. “Me and Claire had a little kiss downstairs,” he says.
“We were blind, we were smashed, we were having a vape.”
Dead. Shocked they kept that piece of information in there tbh.
Crypto Dog says both couples weren’t in good places and just keeps rambling because he is clearly shitting bricks.
“Weren’t we in a good place during then, though?” Janelle asks.
Honestly, I don’t remember a time where these two were in a bad place other than his defensiveness on the honeymoon.
“I just feel so stupid,” Janelle says before walking out.
FUCK ADAM. FUCK ADAM RIGHT IN THE METAVERSE.
If I wasn’t crying before I am CRYING at the vape on the coffee table right now.
“I just put all my trust in him. This happened like weeks ago, why is it coming out now?” Janelle cries.
She thinks he is trying to blame her and she is absolutely right. He is the dog of dogs.
She has gone to see Jesse and tells him she feels very stupid. Let’s be clear here: Adam and Claire are the only stupid ones. And anyone who thinks they have to go outside to vape.
Janelle promises to give zero flying fucks about Crypto Dog and take him to town at the dinner party and MAFS commitment ceremony. Can’t wait for this. I feel many feelings. But mostly I am feeling things about this bonding session:
Janelle goes back to her suite and tells Crypto Dog: “Hey. I would like you to move out.”
“He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about Jesse. He’s just sorry he got caught.”
Word.
In calmer news, the MAFS newlyweds are on their honeymoons where Rupert is trying to string two words together in front of his hot wife Evelyn.
Rupert is worried that Evelyn is trying to get him tanked and honestly, whatever makes him less boring, I will take.
“My nipples are so cold I could key a car,” she tells him.
CONFIRMED: I AM OBSESSED WITH HER. Lucky he’s blotto.
She runs a bath to be “suggestive” and Rupert responds by reading out some of the bible again.
“She is something else,” he says. Right before bringing up boardgames with his 11/10 MAFS wife.
I’m sorry, but this water is gonna overflow any second.
If Rupert does not die from overheating first.
He thinks he is punching. No comment,
Please, Rupert, tell us how hot you think it is some more.
He puts up a pillow fort that no one asked for.
Meanwhile, Tayla and Hugo are not killing each other. Yet.
She wants him to sleep on the couch, which he thinks is fucked, so he tries to get in the bed anyway.
“No. End of story,” Tayla tells him.
She offers the windowsill and he is starting to realise his MAFS wife is the devil. Then she goes to bed with a full face of makeup on only confirming our hellish assumptions.
Rupert is going to massage Evelyn and I hope he does not go into cardiac arrest the minute he cops some skin-to-skin. He smacks her with a leaf.
I can’t imagine ever feeling relaxed around this man. He wants this to be “sensual” and literally just hearing that come out of his mouth made me dry up.
Evelyn gives him a gold star for effort.
Tayla and Hugo are playing croquet to decide who gets the bed tonight. She won like she wins everything in her life.
But now she decides that the bet was for the whole experiment.
Hugo thinks it would be inhumane for Tayla to keep him on the couch for the entire experiment and doll, have you met your wife?
Janelle is avoiding the Crypto Dog stench lingering in her suite by sleeping on the couch. Crypto Dog woke up lonely. Good.
He’s going over to chat to her and turn that ass around, son.
She tells him to fuck off and die. Well that’s what she would’ve said if she didn’t filter her words.
Rupert confirms he has a personality by asking Evelyn if she raw-dogs her oysters before the cursed “honeymoon box” appears on the table.
He asks Evelyn how important sex is to her. She tells him she loves an orgasm.
His nervous energy is wild! “I think you’re very sexy,” he tells her.
He can see himself being compatible with her but can’t look at her while he says that.
Hugo wants to know what Tayla asked for in a partner.
“It was probably someone the opposite of you,” she replies.
She doesn’t think he’s “sporty”. Why? The way he speaks, apparently.
She requested someone who didn’t talk much. She wanted a “man’s man” which, in her words, is a “tradie, footballer, bit rowdy, likes to drink beer.”
“There’s your answer are you happy?” she asks him (as if she’s telling him).
Has he… broken out in hives?
“You’ve been a bitch to me the entire time,” he tells her.
“You’ve been frosty as hell.”
Someone send this man to the Emergency Room.
Janelle has invited Melinda and Tahnee over to tell the beans. Tahnee is not shocked:
“It’s just trash behaviour,” Tahnee says and she is not wrong. They’re all really shitty at Claire too. Fair. Janelle asks for their support at the next dinner party and to not hold back. Fuck me dead.
I’m scared.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram and TikTok.
